Elaine - Tuesday morning:
I woke up with the alarm at 7AM and looked out our - now only my - bedroom window. Bob's car was gone already. I was going to have to start getting up earlier if I even wanted even a glimpse of Bob in the morning anymore, I guessed.
I actually felt a lot better today physically. The bruises were definitely fading and no more burning when I peed. But I was still desperately unhappy and confused and worried. Bob had made love to me last Thursday night - the night before the family dinner. It seemed now like a long time ago and even in another life. We had certainly gone for longer periods in the past without sex. But we had always slept together and just talked to one another each and every day. Not now, though.
I was lost in these thoughts at breakfast when Jules asked me, "are you and Dad getting divorced?"
I probably had that deer in the headlights look, for a second.
"Oh, Jules, hon - I don't think so. I sure hope not. I don't want that and your Dad hasn't said he does, either. It's just - I've done some things that have made him unhappy with me. I didn't mean to upset him, at all. But I did.
"And he really does have some work problems and issues he is focusing on right now. He IS going in to work real early right now and just doesn't want to wake us up in the morning either. That's why he is sleeping downstairs, for now."
"OK, Mom - I sure hope you don't get divorced. I love you and Dad and just being a family all together."
It was all I could do not to start sobbing.
After Jules left to catch her ride with the neighbor whose turn it was in the school carpool - I had time to think some more with my coffee. I seemed to have more time to think right now than ever before. Or maybe I didn't WANT to think so much before.
I never considered what I was doing as "cheating" on Bob. I never felt guilty, even - after that very first time. I wasn't "dating" any of those men. There was no "romance" or even friendly talking that turned into even an "emotional" affair. I wasn't looking to trade-up Bob for a better husband - richer, bigger cock, better fucker, more attentive to my own needs, or anything else. I loved Bob and wanted him as my husband from the first time we made love. Right then I felt really strongly and just knew that Bob loved me. And I loved Bob loving me - and I wanted him.
I didn't get pregnant so soon on purpose to trap him. But I did get careless and often just passionately carried away when we made love. Bob loved that kind of spontaneity as well and never complained and seemed very happy to marry me so prematurely. He had his own dreams of becoming a lawyer and marrying me probably ended them. But he did the best he could and his loving kindness to me and then Julia when she was born never wavered. We always had a lot of fun those first years even though money was always tight. We found plenty of free or inexpensive things to do. Walk along the Mississippi River, visit the Arch or some of the great museums in the city, or the world class Zoo. And we had a core group of friends in similar circumstances - young married families - we socialized with often.
Back then, Bob just did the 8 hour job thing. He hardly ever worked overtime and saved energy and time for me and Julia. Then gradually that changed. He changed. He was working harder and longer and with more overtime money coming in. But this meant less time, and even energy for me and Jules and friendly socializing and just joyful things. Why had he changed?
Thinking back now, did I also change? I know I did in reaction to Bob's changing - but could I have started changing myself before he had? Had I started feeling and then acting more dissatisfied with our economic hardships, and is that why Bob started working so much more overtime? It was a chicken and egg kind of question and I could not quite pin it down in my memory.
But somehow over time I was pretty sure now that I HAD become kind of a bitch - complaining more than I should have and acquiring that "pity party" attitude chip on my shoulder. But I still loved Bob alone and he was MINE. And I wasn't going to give him up without a fight - a desperate fight now if need be.
None of this reverie quite got me to that point of last Friday - when I passed far beyond just being a bit of a bitch to outright full-blown stupid bitch. I needed to figure this out before I could even hope to explain any of it to Bob, I knew.
And I needed to shower and get ready for today's doctor's appointment. Oh joy.
I was in the Urologist's office just after 1PM when my phone rang with a number I didn't recognize. I turned on the phone call recorder app I had often used in my real estate business calls - just to make sure I fully understood (could review the recording) all the myriad details buyers and sometimes sellers wanted to spell out. Maybe this was a potential client - even though I was now seriously contemplating just quitting that whole business.
"Hello," I said as pleasantly as possible.
"Elaine?" was the reply in a somewhat familiar voice - though I couldn't immediately place it.
"Yes, can I help you?"
"It's me, Sam!" I could hear the confident smile behind his words.
Fuck, I thought - what the hell?
"Yes, why are you calling me?" I replied as neutrally as possible.
"Uh, well - you left Sunday without saying goodbye and I just wanted to check with you. I was a little concerned. Everything OK with you and Bob?"
"No, it's not. But that's not your concern or business. BTW, I am getting checked for a possible STD infection right now and maybe you should get checked as well."
"Oh, shit, hold on - we all get checked periodically and you didn't get anything from us!" he protested.
"Whatever. Well, goodbye and don't ever call me again."