Clueless 9

If you asked me if my wife Jesse was cheating on me, I probably would have punched you for insulting her. I thought we were doing great. Our two sons were in college, and we were preparing for our golden years. We were both working a lot of extra hours to fatten our 401k's and our pensions. If we weren't working, we enjoyed ourselves around the house or go out to dinner which were much cheaper now there were only two of us.

Not to go into too much detail but Jesse was the smartest woman I dated in college. She had a 4.0 GPA and was on a full ride for academics. She had almost perfect SAT scores.

Things changed dramatically when on a Monday evening, I was coming down the steps too fast as Jesse was walking in. We both went to the floor with me on top of her. She reeked of sex and men's cologne. There was a look of horror on her face and then she pushed me off her screaming 'what the fuck Jack.' The idea that she had been cheating left me speechless, I couldn't get my head wrapped around it.

The only clear thought I had was that I needed more proof.

"I'm sorry Jesse, I lost my balance coning down the stairs, fortunately you were there to break my fall"

I offered to help her up, but she pushed my hand away announcing she needed a shower.

"I'm going to order pizza," I said. "Any request?"

"I'm not hungry, go ahead and get what you want."

Before the pizza arrived, she announced she was going to bed. I searched for her cellphone, but she must have taken it to bed with her. So, I made a list of things to do: get text messages from her phone, turn on 'share my location,' review emails, review phone calls, review credit cards, get some electronic surveillance shit and some trackers, reduce the credit limit on our cards, start hiding money.

Jesse always left 15 minutes before me so as soon as she left on Tuesday, I called in sick. I started with the credit cards first. There was a pending charge for a Notel Motel the night before. It was the only one. I dropped the limit to $1,000. That was the only card she used. The cell phones were in my name, so I checked the cell phone logs. There was one strange number, and she had called it right after she got out of the shower.

For a woman I thought was highly intelligent, she seemed to want to be caught.

I went to the bank took half the money and put into an account in my name only.

There was a lawyer Jim Howe, who we used off and on. He recently helped update our will when the boys went off to college. Since they were adults there was no need for guardianship. I asked to see him right away and he said what about now. After the cordials, I told him that I wanted a divorce. He was surprised. I mentioned that Jesse was stepping out on me. He was more surprised.

He reminded me of the prenup. Jesse's father was wealthy, and he was afraid I was some kind of gold digger. He thought his daughter would go far. He drafted a prenup which was very one sided. Basically, if I cheated, Jess would get everything. I asked him what if Jesse cheated. He started coming after me. I stood my ground and said if you're so sure, make the document even. He was steaming mad, we never really got along before then and it was worse after that conversation. He did update the document so if infidelity was substantiated, the aggrieved party received 100% of all the assets accrued during the marriage. Every year Jim did some legal mumbo jumbo to keep it current.

Jim agreed to prepare a petition for divorce on grounds of adultery but warned me I was going to need proof. A lot of proof. He gave me the name of a PI and set up an appointment for me. I stopped at some electronics store that sold surveillance shit. I was pretty sure I looked like a smuck when I went in there and that was my opening line. He said if it wasn't for cheating spouses and smucks, he would be working at Walmart. After selling me $500 dollars' worth of trackers, voice activated recorders, and hidden cameras, he spent another hour teaching me how to use the stuff.

Next stop was the PI. That was the most enlightening meeting. Since I owned the cell phone, the cell phone company was obligated to provide me with copies of all the text messages and call logs. I gave him the one suspicious number I found. He also told me to put a fraud alert on the credit card she used so I would immediately be notified if there was another Notel Motel charge.

I had been devastated, somehow the stuff I accomplished that day made me feel better. At least I was somewhat in control of my destiny.

Tuesday evening, Jesse complained of a headache and went to shower and to bed. I didn't know if she smelled of sex or not, she wouldn't let me near her. I was angry because we hadn't had sex in almost a week for the first time in our marriage. She left her purse on the table near the front door. As soon as I heard the shower turn on, I hid a tracker in her purse and turned on location tracking for her cell phone. Maybe that was overkill. Then I hid one of the recorders in there.

The next morning, I went and talked to my next-door neighbor. His wife walked out on him a few years earlier. He was blindsided when he came home from work one day. There was a Mercedes in the driveway with some guy in it and a couple of suitcases on the steps. He walked in and a guy handed him an envelope and told him he was served. His wife told him she had met someone else. She walked out, the Mercedes guy grabbed her bags, and she was gone. He was more than happy to help burn Jesse.

He was mechanically inclined, so he installed a ring camera on the front door and one facing the driveway. Jesse was obviously going to see them. Hopefully it would keep her from shagging the guy in my bed.

Wednesday morning, Jesse informed me that they were having a little birthday party for Julie so she would miss dinner. I called the PI when I got to work. He thanked me and said he had the text messages, and I wasn't going to like them. He also had the background on my wife's lover, his wife and two young kids including their Facebook pages. He emailed all of it to me.

I started going through the text messages and I lost my lunch. I told my boss I had to leave and was taking the rest of the week, so I didn't get anyone else sick. He wasn't happy but couldn't argue with my logic.

After pouring myself a nice glass of scotch, I started a deep dive into her text messages. I poured the scotch back into the bottle because I was going to need a clear head.

I think the relationship started leaving the friend zone a month ago when they began going to lunch every day. Jesse was complaining after 23 years, she found sex with me very boring and couldn't remember the last time she really had an orgasm. The sexual banter continued and got more risqué. Jesse had started sucking him off during lunch. Last Monday they left work early and consummated their relationship in the Notel Motel. They had plans to do it again tonight. I put a lock on her credit card, if he was going to fuck my wife, I wasn't going to be responsible for the bill.

The biggest shocker was their plan to spend Friday night at the Hilton together. She was going to tell me she was having a girl's night out and then complain she had too much to drink and would stay over at her girlfriend's house. They teased each other on what they would do with all that time and Jesse agree to give him her ass, her last virgin hole.

My mind went everywhere. I sent the emails to Jim Howe and asked him if that was sufficient evidence. He said he would prefer pictures and asked me when I wanted her to be served. I asked for Saturday around noon when she got back from the Hilton. I passed that on to the PI.

Jesse called me on Wednesday evening and said her credit card had been declined. The location device said she was at the Notel Motel.

"Sorry Jesse, we haven't had a chance to talk much since Monday, I guess you're still pretty sore for knocking you down. I was paying bills on Tuesday and there was a strange charge on your card for some motel. I called the credit card company, and they put a temporary hold on the card while they investigate the transaction."

"What the fuck Jack, why didn't you tell me."

"Well Jesse, you haven't really been talking to me for the last two weeks, so the opportunities have been really limited. How's the retirement party for Mary and where did you decide to go."

"We went to Maninos, and it went well, I'm going to miss her, but what the fuck Jack, how am I going to pay my share of the dinner?"

"The young guns use Venmo these days. You do have a Venmo account remember."

"Fuck you Jack, just fuck you." And then click. They still spent an hour at the Notel Motel, I guess lover boy bucked up or does the hotel take Venmo?

I went back to the recording I made in the morning to confirm it was a birthday party for Julie and not a retirement party for Mary. I had never heard of Mary or Julie before today. I was beginning to think my wife had lost her mind. She wasn't even trying to keep her lies straight.

In the information that the PI gave me was the name of Jesse's lover, Phil Russo. That packet also included his wife, Maria Russo's name and cell phone number.

Jesse came storming into the house an hour later still screaming fuck you Jack. She threw her purse on the floor and headed to the shower. I quickly pulled the recorder and replaced it with a fresh one. Jesse had given him another blowjob during lunch, and he fingered her to an orgasm.

Telling Maria Russo about her husband's infidelity kept me awake most of the night. I didn't want to hurt her but if it was me, I would want to know. On Thursday morning, I sent her a text message saying:

"Mrs. Russo, my wife Jesse works with your husband Phil Russo. I have become aware that they have been having an affair for the last two weeks including two stays at the Notel Motel. Please don't talk to your husband about it yet. There are some things I need to do first. I would be happy to come over and share what I have learned."

"Is this some kind of sick joke."

"I only wish, here is a link to our Facebook page so you know who we are. Also attached is a copy of the credit card statement showing Monday's charge for the hotel. I put a block on the card because of a 'suspicious charge.' There may be a charge on one of your cards for last night when they spent an hour there."

"FUCK" was her response. "Do you want to come over and show me what you have?"

"I can be there in 30 minutes."

"How do you know my address? Wait a minute, let's meet at my mother's because there's a ring camera on my front door. Plus, she can keep an eye on my youngest while we talk."

Maria sent me her mother's address. I gathered my papers and was at her door in way less than 30 minutes. Before I could knock, I heard and argument going on inside, one person was yelling "I told you not to take him back." And the response was, "it's a lot easier to say that when you don't have a two-year-old wrapped around your leg."

I knocked and Maria came to the door. "I am sorry for being the bearer of bad news."

"You probably heard that argument and you can figure out this isn't the first time Phil has stuck his cock where it doesn't belong."

"Language," yelled her mother as she brought in coffee and some Italian cookies.

"Jack, you were right, there is a pending charge on his account for the Notel Motel. What else do you have?"

"These are the text messages between my wife and your husband. Let me warn you before you dig in. It's bad enough that they are having an affair, but the way they talk about us is embarrassing."

"That's just a guilt thing Jack. Maybe it's true or not, but they need to tear us down to make them feel better. They wouldn't have to cheat if we were better lovers, better providers, and on and on. I've been here before and it took a lot of counseling to get over it."

Her mother yelled from the kitchen, "And look where it got you Maria?"

Maria grimaced and started going through the text messages. The tears started streaming down her face and mom magically appeared with a box of tissues."

"I'm so sorry Maria. I was up all night trying to decide whether to tell you. In the end, I would want to know."

"You did right Jack; I would want to know. But it doesn't make it hurt any less."

Maria's mother started to say something, but Maria sent her a look that scared me.

"I assume you have a plan, Jack."

"A loose plan. My attorney wants pictures. I'm hoping the PI got some last night. But I want to burn the bitch, sorry according to what I learned online, that's the expression they used. When she comes home on Saturday, her belongings will be on the front lawn, the locks will be changed, and she'll be served as she tries to get in. It's really a no-fault divorce state but her father insisted we sign a prenup when we got married that requires the unfaithful spouse to give up all claims to any

assets. That's why I need the pictures."

"Burn the bitch, I like 'burn the bastard' better."

"Aren't you glad I insisted you get dick head to sign a post-nup before you reconciled." shouted her mother from the kitchen.

"We have no assets mom, we have the house and its mortgaged to the hilt. The cars are leased. The post-nup will not help me."

"You should have let me call Uncle Tony."

"I can't have my children's father swimming with the fishes or whatever you were planning."

"We were just going to have him castrated, he can't put his cock where it doesn't belong if he doesn't have a cock."

"Maybe we can use the same lawyer, but I don't have a lot of money. But I would love to see Phil's face when he comes home and finds his shit on the lawn and gets served."

"Let me call my lawyer and we should swap footage from the ring cameras."

A few minutes later I told her, "Jim said he'll represent you and asked if we could come over at lunch and I was buying."

We sat across from Jim when we received a report from the PI the night before. There were pictures of the not so happy couple arguing with the desk clerk and some pictures through the window showing them having sex. I also played the recording from lunch and from the hotel.

"The pictures from the lobby are helpful. The shots from inside the room will get thrown out, there's an expectation of privacy in your hotel room. The recordings may help build a stronger case. You know your father-in-law will come after you."

We called the PI and had everything set up for Friday night. Jim was very specific about what he wanted. Jim brought up the idea of suing their company for failure to uphold their morals clause. You might get some money. Most companies don't want the bad publicity but both of the lovers will be fired.

"How will I feed my kids," asked Maria.

We decided to revisit that later.

Jesse tried to be pleasant when I pretended to get home from work. She made me dinner and we had a nice suppertime conversation. She still couldn't keep her facts straight about the "party" the night before. It made me sad; this was the kind of life I wanted, and she was throwing me some bone. After dinner she invited me upstairs, but I told her I had a bunch of work to do. In a nasty voice she said, "your loss Jack."

The next morning had pending credit card charges for Victoria's Secret and upscale clothing store in the mall. I guess she had big plans for her night out. I knew what time she was planning on leaving so I headed over to my neighbor's house so I wouldn't have to watch her leave.

She sent me a text message asking where I was and that she wanted to say goodbye. I ignored it. My neighbor was watching from the window and when we saw her car leave, we went to work. My neighbor started changing the locks on my house and the code for the garage door while I packed all her shit in plastic bags. I kept her jewelry since that was an asset accrued during our marriage.

As soon as he had all my locks changed, he went over to Maria's to do the same thing. He also helped haul all of Phil's stuff onto her lawn.

The PI started sending us some pictures of the happy couple standing in line checking in at the Hilton. In two of the pictures they were kissing and most of the time his hand was on my wife's ass. Maria and my lawyer also received copies of the pictures.

I called Maria and asked if she was okay. She said no and she asked her mother to call Uncle Tony. My next project was preparing what I was going to send her father. I included the recent pictures at the Hilton and the legal ones from the Notel Motel. I added a couple of key text messages especially the ones detailing their plans for tonight and added a recording of her sucking off Phil in the car. That one wasn't really necessary but after our argument about the prenup, I had to twist the knife a bit.

My phone had been off since Jesse left. I turned it on with my morning coffee. Jesse still wasn't home. There were a couple of texts from her complaining because I didn't respond to her text about where I was. Then there were texts saying she was too drunk to drive home and was taking an Uber to Julies. Which raises the question that if you're getting an uber anyway, why not take it home?

At ten, I brought our burn pit into the front yard and started loading our wedding album and any other pictures of Jesse into the pit.

At 11:00, I emailed my loving father-in-law the packet I prepared. He called me 15 minutes later:

"What the fuck Jack" he said.

"Well, it is after 11:00 and your daughter still isn't home from her date last night. Her plans are laid out in the text messages attached to my email."

I could hear him crying and felt bad for him. No father wants to find out their daughter is a cheating slut.

"There's a PI watching the hotel and he'll call me when they are leaving. I'll give you a call when it's time to come to get your daughter. You should bring your truck so you can get her shit off my lawn,"

The PI called at noon and told me they were leaving the hotel. Jesse would be back around 12:30. Tim called the process servers and set that in motion. I sprayed down the fire pit and pictures with lighter fluid and at 12:15, I threw in the match.

And then I sat in one of our rockers on the front porch with a fresh cup of coffee.

Jesse pulled into the driveway around 12:30 and I called her father. Jesse was gingerly getting out of the car. I guess her ass hurt. I expected her to play dumb, but she didn't.

"I guess you found out Jack, how much do you know?" She went to sit down and grimaced.

"I think I know more than enough. Looks like your ass hurts, did you enjoy giving up your virgin ass to Phil. His wife never would."

"Maybe that's why he divorced her?"

"Jesse, have you lost your mind, Phil and Maria are still married. Here's his Facebook page. I showed her the happy couple with their two kids."

"This must be old; he told me they are divorced."

"Look at the date Jesse."

She started crying.

"I'm assuming those are my clothes in the plastic bag, what's in the fire pit."

"Our wedding album and every other picture of you that was in the house."

She was going to respond when a car pulled into the driveway. A man and a woman got out; after asking for Jesse's ID, they handed her the manilla envelop and told her she had been served.

Jesse buried her face in her hands and was saying something like, "Phil said this wouldn't happen."

"Is that the same Phil who told you he was divorced? What happened to you Jesse, you were so smart, almost aced you SATs and for the last month it's been one stupid thing after another."

An unexpected car pulled into the driveway and a sharp dressed woman stepped out and approached our porch.

"I'm going to assume you're Jack, Jesse's husband. My name is Maggy Rizzo, I'm a senior HR Director for the company your wife worked for. Jesse, this is a termination letter for violating the company ethics practice. It is effective immediately. There is no severance pay. Your personal effects will be boxed and waiting in the lobby. If you don't pick them up within 72 hours they will be disposed of."