{Some question, criticize what I have to say. There are so many different points of view. I would like to say the unkind comments don't bother me, but that would be a lie.
I am just doing the best I can. I know I struggled to decide on a catagory for this story, I think this one is right.
The only thing I know for sure is I do have just three choices.
I can be just me, and live the way I want to.
I can be with the one man I completely love, and do all I can to please him.
Or I can be alone.
I chose to try and please him.
I suspect there are others out there that are in a position similar to mine. But every act has a consequence, this is the story of mine.}
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I carried the empty coffee cups into the kitchen and must have washed them a dozen times. My face was flaming in embarrassment.
I had just shamelessly thrown myself at my husband's friend Brad, expecting him to reach for me. That was the fantasy in my head, it took a lot of effort for me to manage enough courage to do that.
Brad had rejected me. Oh, sure, he made an attempt to be kind about it but I wanted to run, hide somewhere.
My Tom was always hinting around that I have experiences, as he called it. He acted excited when I told him about anything at all that I did that was slightly sexy, and it was obvious.
The truth is I really did like to tease him, get him going. I was at that point in my life where I wanted sex and cuddling, in fact I wanted it all the time. In Tom's arms, I was safe and warm and loved.
It was the only time I really felt in control, other than at work, or sitting here at this keyboard. It has taken me a long time to begin to understand how putting it all down in words makes my life easier.
I have done a few things at my office that are best described as over the top. I knew I could get away with some of that, doctors have less limits on them than most people. Nudity and things like that are accepted as a requirement, anything considered sexual in nature is not accepted.
They call that abuse of our authority. Most of the time I have no problems of any kind, it is just sometimes, with certain clients. I cannot explain the why of it, but I feel myself dampen, the struggle begins. I know that struggle very well, on one side is that conservative background, good girls just don't. On the other side is that demon, filling me with powerful urges.
Shameful, I know, but a weakness in myself I have come to accept. In the last few months I have come to accept a lot of things.
Still, if a male has concerns in the sexual area, I can do almost anything I feel is necessary. Plus there are a few that come in and it's pretense, I am well aware of that. Hardly a week goes by without getting at least one or two male clients complaining of an ache in their testicles or a lump of some kind, or suggesting impotence. Rarely do I ever find anything of concern, although impotence is fairly frequent. Those with real concerns get referred to urology.
But a man standing there with a massive erection complaining of impotence is silly. I understand though, so I tease them a little bit, look them over and that makes them happy. Actually manipulating a male client to orgasm in my office is very rare though, there are risks. The last man I touched like that was Ben, he actually did have Coital Cephalgia, just headaches during sex. It is a fairly common condition that typically goes away with time, or is eased by a common painkiller.
So there was no real need for a test, but I took his blood pressure before and after, and I helped him with my hands.
Just to try and help him, my rationalization of the situation. The truth? That feeling of power, excitement, his erection in my hands, my control. I very nearly orgasmed doing that.
I think he knew.
Somehow I ended up on a date with him, somehow we ended up in his bed. How he managed to manipulate me into that situation I don't really know, but he was good at it. Either that or deep inside I wanted it to happen. Ben was also a strong and considerate lover, and I liked him. But I think I liked him more than he did me, he never called me after that.
Why do I ramble on about things like this? Just so you can understand. I am a woman, there are things I just am not supposed to do, to think about.
But I do.
Tom really liked it when I told him stories, I used that one incident with Ben to excite him, making the description as erotic as I could. Tom never once ever showed me any real signs of jealousy, rather the opposite.
I also often did strip teases for him, delighting in watching him become erect and flushed with excitement. But it was the stories I told him that really excited him more than anything.
Some of them were true, but some of them were made up. Even when I slipped, said something that didn't make sense, Tom never seemed to notice. One other thing about him, he could not be accused of being very smart. But Tom was always gentle, kind, and oh so handsome.
Early on in our first marriage, Tom encouraged me to dress sexily for him. I soon realized he wanted me to dress that way for others, do things that got attention. That wasn't an easy thing for me at the time since I was a bit heavy, but I managed some of it to please him. My sheltered upbringing combined with my not being completely sure of myself got in the way usually.
Our relationship became rocky and we broke up. But the truth is I loved Tom, so much that when we were apart there was a hole that couldn't be filled in my life. The big empty bed became monstrous, the not knowing where he was or what he was doing caused many miserable nights.
I had turned to medicines, pills. That is like putting a lid on a pan of overheated grease on the stove but not turning it down. It covers up the problem for a little while. I stopped that, then turned to risky sex. All of that was just a search for happiness. I finally realized there was just one place where I felt happy, and that was with Tom, flaws and all.
Seperation was a misery.
One day the phone rang, it was Tom. We had a simple dinner. It was just like a date, I was excited. I really tried to not let that show, I think I failed miserably.
I woke up the next morning with Tom sleeping by my side, his face pressed against my bare breast, softly snoring. I felt happy again.
When we got back together after our first breakup we moved to a huge ranch at the coast. Tom thought I would like it, the change would be good for us.
I didn't like it, and it wasn't good for us. I lasted about a year. Then when Tom started up with wanting me once again to do things like show myself off, even suggesting sex with others, I left again. But it was more than just that, it was the being all alone for days on end, the sounds of what was actually wilderness all around.
Tom had undone the buttons on my blouse right in front of his friend Brad while I dozed one evening. I told myself that was the reason I left the next morning, but it wasn't really. It was just..everything, I didn't fit into a farming lifestyle.
That huge hole was there again. I managed to purchase back the house I live in now, just a stroke of luck and timing. At least I was home again, in familiar surroundings. But I was still miserable.
After several months, in a moment of weakness, I called him on the phone. Tom was right back in my life, just like that.
During this last time we were apart I searched for someone, something. I ended up with Terry, the man who was the real estate broker I used. I actually had to finally seduce him. It was less than I had hoped for by far. I even tried a second time with him, Terry wanted to dress and leave as soon as it was over. I needed to be held and cuddled, to feel that everything was all right, if just for a little while.
