Billie - Scarred for Life Ep. 01

A Wedding and a Daughter

The year was 1970.

The place was Sydney.

It was the last Saturday in September.

It was a lovely Spring day, the sun was shining, the sky was blue and the blossoms were blooming in the delightful little suburban park where Billie and Jim were married.

Billie was a gorgeous bride at 20, Jim was a handsome groom at 22 and Sarah was a not particularly noticeable baby bump in Billie's tummy.

Fortunately, Jim's father was wealthy and the newlyweds were able to set themselves up in their own home when they returned from their honeymoon, well before the babe was born.

It was a particularly difficult birth, and after the drama had settled and the mum was making post-natal visits to the clinic with her baby girl, Billie was advised that it might be wise to have no more children. Jim was most upset at this advice. He was an only son and was expected by his father Jack to take over the management of the family manufacturing business when the time came for Jack's retirement. Jim, in turn, had been hoping for a son to continue the dynasty sometime in the distant future.

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Billie

One very important part of Billie's young life was sex; it was one of her favourite activities. Before Jim, she had romantic relationships with several boyfriends. Each coupling with a new boy had been exciting - she loved exploring each new male body; feeling the two of them pressed together skin to skin; feeling his hands and his lips exploring her neck, her breasts and beyond. She would hold her breath in anticipation as the new boyfriend positioned himself between her parted legs. She could feel the moistness at their junction as her body prepared itself for penetration. And then that wonderful sensation of a new and different rampantly erect penis; nudging towards her vaginal entrance, easing it open and pushing firmly up inside her.

Billie practised mostly-safe sex. Her boyfriends always used condoms, apart from those occasions when they didn't. It was sometimes difficult for a young man to obtain condoms when needed, skulking around the chemist shop waiting for the female assistants to be distracted by other customers before sidling up to the male pharmacist to nervously ask for a pack of the required prophylactic sheaths.

On those occasions when her sexual partner was not condom-equipped, he was required to get off at Redfern. (For non-Sydneysiders, Redfern is the last station before Central Railway on the Sydney metropolitan rail network. 'Getting off at Redfern' was the standard term for withdrawal before ejaculation.) The problem with getting off at Redfern was that sometimes the train didn't stop there and went straight through to Central. It had been one of those occasions with Jim that led to Billie's pregnancy and their need for a hurried marriage.

Billie's first time having sex with a boy had been a fumbling affair, but when she talked candidly with her friends it was clear this was a common experience. One girl boasted of earth-shattering orgasms, but Billie was sure this girl's story was mostly fantasy. Another friend told of pressure and demands for sex. The boy said that if she wouldn't do it he would find another girl who would. That, at least, had not been Billie's experience; she had been a most willing participant. But most of her friends who would admit to no longer being virgins talked about experiences similar to her first time, with neither partner having much idea of what to do, the boy ejaculating prematurely, and the girl left unsatisfied; wondering whether her failure to reach orgasm was her own fault or the fault of the boy.

Billie knew quite well what an orgasm was. Early in life, long before her first experiences with boys, she had experimented with the handle of her hair brush to see how it felt to have something hard up inside her vagina. She had fantasised about the popular teen idols whose photographs adorned her bedroom walls, picturing them in her mind; not naked, but somehow sexily available, doing sexy things. Lying on her back, softly caressing her breasts with one hand, the other hand down between her legs; with her fingers massaging her nipples, her labia and clitoris, Billie had no problem taking herself to climactic heights. Her shoulders shrugged, her hips bucked upward and she shivered and shook as she quietly lost conscious control of her body.

An orgasm was like no other feeling she had ever experienced.

It took a lot more experimenting to reach similar heights with a boyfriend, but after she achieved her first boy-induced orgasm, Billie was hooked. These orgasms were different. They were explosive and noisy; her whole body writhed and twisted, and she cried out quite loudly as each climactic spasm radiated out from within and rippled through her. She quickly discovered that boys took her vocal orgasmic reactions as confirmation of their own sexual prowess. They thought she was good in bed mostly because she had the knack of making each partner feel that he really turned her on. Each one was firmly convinced that she found him so much better than all her previous boyfriends.

And that made Billie feel good too. She knew that she was the sexiest young woman in her group because every one of her boyfriends had told her so. It was a great boost to her belief in herself to hear them say how much better she was than other girls. She had been a fairly bright girl in class during her school years, and she was a competent player on the hockey field, but her performance in the bedroom was stellar. Every time she was in bed with a boy she received top marks.

Despite the excitement and thrill that having sex with each new partner gave her, until Jim came along Billie had remained faithful to each boyfriend until that romance ended and she transferred her affections to the next partner. She broke her record of serial monogamy only once, and that was when she was with her last ex before Jim. Daniel was a nice young man, gentle and sensitive to her needs. Billie was starting to think that maybe the time had come to settle down and make this relationship permanent.

But then Jim came into her life. She had known of his existence; they lived in the same district; but he had attended a different school to her and they had not hung around in the same crowd. Then Billie went alone to a party - Daniel had been unable to go. Jim was also there and he was smitten. He paid her extra close attention all evening, and then offered her a lift home. On the way, he just had to stop in at his own place for a moment. It just so happened that his parents were out, and one thing led to another, which caused Billie to be quite late getting home to her own place.

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Jim

Like Billie, Jim was also a top marker when it came to sex. Unlike Billie's serial monogamy, however, Jim's sex life had been one of taking every opportunity he could with any girl who made herself available, and even with some who didn't make themselves available quite so readily. Jim was quite a charmer and had a wide range of seduction techniques.

Jim's history was the reverse of Billie's - while Billie was now trying to balance her relationships between Daniel and Jim, Jim had decided that he had found the girl he wanted to marry and for the first time he had become monogamous.

For a while, Billie saw herself as still Daniel's girlfriend, but sex with Jim was so much better. What made him so satisfying for Billie was much the same as that which had made her so good for her various boyfriends. Jim threw himself into the sex act with enthusiasm and when his climax hit he came with a roar. He assured her that she turned him on more than any of his other girlfriends ever had.

Sex won. Billie had tried for a while to ignore Jim, but found that she couldn't. After one last evening in Daniel's bed, she realised that she would never be able to commit herself to life with him. The break-up was terribly painful, there were many tears on both sides, but eventually it was done.

Daniel had been gentle.

Jim was demanding.

With Daniel she felt nice.

With Jim she felt wanted.

With Jim she felt more alive, more a sexual being and yes, more a complete woman, than she had ever felt before. Whether it was love made great by the sex, or sex made great by their love, she neither knew nor cared. She just knew it was far stronger than any feeling she had ever had with any previous lover.

This was the real thing.

There was just one small problem with Jim and Billie's level of mutual enthusiasm for sex. They were noisy in bed, which limited their sexual activities to those occasions when one or other set of parents was not at home.

However, once they had a home of their own they made love every day until Billie's pregnancy had advanced to a point that made it unwise to continue.

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Family Life

Billie quit her job and settled in at home as a happy housewife preparing for the arrival of their first-born. Despite the rushed circumstances of their marriage, she was convinced that she had the right man as her husband. She loved him dearly and she knew that he loved her too. And when baby Sarah arrived, she became a sublimely happy mother, showering love and attention on her little bundle of joy and receiving unconditional love in return.

An unexpected pleasure Billie found in motherhood was breastfeeding. Through puberty she had developed earlier than her friends and had been somewhat embarrassed by her budding breasts. But as they grew and developed through her teenage years she started to enjoy the attention her breasts attracted from boys. Then, in her later teen years she rewarded boyfriends for their flattering words by allowing them to feel their firmness and, if a boy really turned her on, she encouraged him to nibble and suck on her nipples. The sexual tension she felt was wonderful and, if the boyfriend did it right, the next step was inevitable for both of them and they would end up needing the condom that she hoped the boyfriend had brought with him.

The feeling of a baby on the breast was so different from the excitement of having a sexual partner there. Breastfeeding was relaxing. For Billie it was an expression of a bond between mother and baby. But for Jim it was something he had difficulty coming to terms with. For Jim, from the time he started his relationship with Billie her boobs had been his to play with and to use as a step on the way to getting her into bed for a wild session of sex. Now he came second to a small, sometimes screaming, competitor.

"It's not natural," he said. "It just seems wrong for me to suck on them when the baby has been doing it."

Despite this, as time went on and her body returned to normal after the birth, Billie often found herself feeling quite needy for Jim's loving after Sarah's last feed and when the babe had gone off to her nighttime sleep. Billie wanted to return to the intensity of their lovemaking as it had been in the old days. But it wasn't happening because of Jim's peculiar concern with her lactating breasts.

It wasn't that Jim lacked affection - he was very loving and was impressed by the way Billie had intuitively taken to motherhood. He, in turn, was enjoying fatherhood. Love abounded in their closely knit little family. It was just this one problem that stood in the way of marital perfection. Jim couldn't let himself go and release the sexual spontaneity that had made him such a wonderful partner in bed before Sarah came along. That, in turn, meant that Billie wasn't reaching the climactic heights that were so much an enjoyable part of their lovemaking in earlier times.

So, under pressure from him, Billie weaned Sarah after six months and Jim felt that property which was rightfully his had been returned to him. Her breasts became playthings again. Jim and his wonderfully sexy wife responded to each other in bed every bit as enthusiastically as they had done when they first had sex together. Billie missed the pleasurable experience of breastfeeding, but having Jim so attentive was like being newlyweds all over again.

It was better than it had ever been. They had grown together, and Jim recognised the sacrifice that Billie had made for him. He worked just that little bit harder on ensuring her pleasure, and she responded in kind.

After a while, Jim started suggesting that they should be trying for a second child. Billie was doubtful. Much as she loved motherhood and would like to have more children, the advice from the clinic had been that further pregnancies could be problematic. "Maybe," she said. "I'm not sure. We had so much difficulty with Sarah. I'll have a talk with the doctor and see what he says."

Jim had completed his apprenticeship some time ago with a large engineering firm and was employed there as a tradesman. He and Billie had settled into married life, with Jim a quite well-paid breadwinner and provider, and Billie a stay-at-home mum. Then, a couple of years into their marriage, Jack announced that he now wanted Jim to join the family business to develop his managing skills ready for the day when Jack retired.

"I saw dad and mum today and dad said he wants me to quit my job and go into JWSManufactures with him," Jim told Billie. "It means we'll have a lot more money, but it will need me to put in more hours than I'm doing now."

Billie had seen the demands the business put on her father-in-law, but she knew that the day had to come when Jim would become part of the family business. She was realistic: "It was always going to happen some day, so it might as well be now," she said. "But look, just don't become like Jack; he's married to the business, not to your mum. I couldn't live like she does. I need a man who loves me, not a factory."

Over the following months, several things happened: Some of Billie's fears were realised as Jim immersed himself in the business and Jack pushed more responsibility onto him. On the other hand, Jim's income increased considerably. He told Billie the company would buy her a car and that he would give her money to buy some new furniture to replace some of the second-hand stuff they had started out with.

But then, in the evenings when he was at home, Jim became more insistent that they should try for a second child.

Her doctor said that there were risks involved, but if Billie really wanted another child it should be possible to manage the pregnancy and birth to bring about a satisfactory outcome.

Billie agreed to go off the pill and told Jim that they could try for a second child. She conceived a few months later. Jim was delighted: "I do hope it's a boy this time," he said. "Dad will be happy too, if it's a boy."

It was.

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Post-natal Blues

Jonathan Wiltom Small (Jon) arrived in this world with considerable drama, almost killing his mother in the process. In times to come, the male line could now continue for the Smalls. It would soon be time for Jack (John Wiltom Small) to hand the baton to Jim (James Wiltom Small). Jim would now have Jon as son and heir. He would groom and prepare Jon for the day when Jim, in turn, reached the age of retirement and would hand over the role as head of the family business.

That was in the future. But, for right now, the child's mother was in serious trouble. "Get him out of here" the obstetrician called to the theatre nurse. "If we're going to save her we can't have a husband distracting us."

The emergency C-section had delivered a fine little baby boy who was quickly whipped away outside by the nursing staff. "You have a lovely healthy son, Mr Small."

"But my wife! What about the mother?" Jim was frantic.

"They're looking after her. She'll be OK. Just wait here." In the meantime, the obstetrician and assistant surgeon worked feverishly on stemming the blood flow, saving the mother, and repairing the damage. It was touch and go for a while, but their efforts were successful and Billie was eventually wheeled off to the recovery ward.

It was some time before Billie was conscious and had recovered enough for Jim to be able to see her, and she could only respond weakly when he tried to talk with her. Little by little she recovered, but it was almost two weeks before she and their baby son would be discharged. Billie's mother visited every day with Sarah, who was delighted to have a baby brother. Jim came whenever he could, but things were busy at the factory and he wasn't able to get away whenever he would like to. Even night-time visits could be difficult to arrange when there were problems on the afternoon shift.

The next day after the operation, the obstetrician made his ward rounds. "How's it going Billie? You had us worried for a time there. Getting over it?"

"I'm still a bit groggy and it hurts a fair bit, but I think I'm on the mend," she replied.

"Well that's the last one. No more babies, Billie. This one did too much damage," he said.

"They said I probably shouldn't after Sarah," replied Billie. "It's more definite this time is it?"

"No, not shouldn't. Can't. After this one, you won't be able to."

"What do you mean?" said Billie. She was not yet fully alert and she was concerned about the words so carelessly spoken by the obstetrician. "How will that affect us, you know, me being intimate with Jim?"

"No, it shouldn't affect your relationship with your husband. But you won't be able to conceive. The damage in there has left you infertile." He moved on to his next patient, not noticing how much Billie had been upset by his insensitivity. What did this mean? What about their sex life? Would she still enjoy sex as much? Would Jim? Would she still reach climax during their lovemaking? Orgasm had become such an important thing to her. It was even more important to Jim, and she knew that he felt let down if he was the only one who climaxed when they made love.

'Infertile'.

No longer a complete woman.

Adding to Billie's woes was her inability to breastfeed her newborn. When first put to the breast, baby Jon had suckled successfully, but after three days both mother and baby became frustrated by her low milk flow and his feed had to be supplemented. After a few more days trying and trying, with less and less success, Billie gave up, feeling depressed and miserable about her failure.

"Jim tells me you can't breastfeed little Jon," said Jim's mother on Billie's first day home. That night Billie cried herself to sleep.

The next several weeks were difficult in the extreme. Adding to Billie's feelings of failure and her post-natal depression was baby Jon's demanding behaviour. He woke frequently and cried a lot. Jim couldn't be much help; he worked long hours and slept through the baby's bouts of nighttime crying, so Billie wasn't getting the sleep she needed. She had three-and-a-half-year-old Sarah to care for as well as a troublesome baby, and her body seemed to be taking such a long time to recover from the trauma of the caesarean delivery.

"When will it be OK to have sex with my husband?" Billie enquired of the nurse at the clinic. "It turned out quite OK after Sarah, but what will it be like after the caesar?"

"The only difference should be the healing time required by the incision, and yours was a big one," the nurse replied. "Everything else is the same. Just take it gently and don't get too wild and energetic before everything's fully healed." She raised an eyebrow and grinned. Billie had told her during her time at the clinic with Sarah how important sex was in their marriage, and how she and Jim had returned to the excitement of full-on lovemaking after Sarah was weaned.

Her disappointment about not being able to breastfeed Jon was left unsaid between Billie and the nurse. But at least it meant Jim wouldn't have a problem this time. Indeed, he started back on Billie's breasts soon after she had settled back into home life, and by the time they decided to try sex again it had been like a most extended period of foreplay.