Between the Pages of Adultery

Laura sat at the table, her heart was pounding in her chest, her eyes glistened with tears.

"Hi, hon, I'm home," she heard as Harrison walked in the front door.

She tried to speak up and let him know where she was but nothing came out. Her hand shook even more as she brought it up to her face and started to weep again.

As soon as Harrison saw what was happening he rushed into the kitchen and to the side of his distressed wife. "Honey, what is it? He anxiously asked. He'd never seen her like this before. It suddenly occurred to him that he hadn't seen or heard Ashley yet. He was panic stricken. "Is it Ashley? Has she been hurt?"

All Laura could do was shake her head and whimper out a weepy sounding, "No, no. Ashley's alright, she's spending the night at Val's."

"Val's? Honey," he said kneeling next to her and rubbing her shoulder, "please, try to pull yourself together and tell me what's wrong."

She was overwrought with fear. "Please... please, just give me a minute," she begged wiping her eyes. "Why, ah... why don't you get some coffee and sit down, I have something I have to tell you," she sniveled.

Harrison respected her request. With one last gentle, reassuring rub of her shoulder he nervously walked over to the counter, removed a cup from the cabinet, and poured himself some coffee. By the time he walked back to the table and sat next to his wife, she was calming down a little.

"Harrison, I love you and Ashley more than life itself. I don't know what I would do without you both, but that love didn't stop me from doing something really stupid, something for which I am extremely ashamed and can only hope you will see it in your heart to forgive," she said finally looking at him.

Harrison sat, looking at his beautiful mate with a very perplexed look on his face. He had no idea what she was getting at.

"Harrison, I cheated on you; I had an affair with another man," she stated.

Her voice was still weak from crying and Harrison thought he must have misunderstood. He froze as he stared at the terrified look on his wife's face and realized he had heard her correctly, his loving wife cheated on him. He felt as if a cold fog had suddenly enveloped him. He couldn't speak. He couldn't think. He just kept hearing his wife's words echoing in his head.

Laura had tried to anticipate how he would react, but so far he hadn't moved. "Harrison, Harrison, please say something," she whimpered.

"What... what do you want me say?" he said just starting to emerge from his daze. "What am I supposed to say? Oh, I know, how about, oh, don't worry about it, dear; or maybe, hey let's have a threesome!" now his anger was bubbling to the top. "Or... or maybe, GEE, CAN I WATCH!" he yelled.

Suddenly, in one motion, he stood and threw the cup in his hand against the wall as hard as he could. It shattered into a thousand pieces and sent coffee and slivers of porcelain flying in every direction.

Laura flinched and ducked. She expected anger, but never in all their years of marriage had she seen him violent.

"FUCK YOU, LAURA... FUCK YOU ALL TO HELL," he yelled as he turned to leave.

"Wait... Harrison, please don't go, we have to... " the slamming of the front door ended her desperate plea.

She would have thought she'd been all cried out by this time but new tears rained from her red and swollen eyes.

I don't believe this, I don't fucking believe this! Harrison's mind was almost shouting at him through his thoughts. He walked briskly past his car and made a left at the sidewalk, giving no thought to where he was going or even to what direction he was headed. All he knew was that he had to get out of the house and he was in no mood to drive. He'd probably slam right into a light pole or something. DAMN, his thoughts continued to scream at him.

How could this happen? He asked himself. Have I not been a good husband; a good father? Have I not been a good provider?

His body was tense, his breathing, uneven. He had already covered three blocks in a rapid walk. He had to calm down before... before... damn, he told himself, I wish somebody would look at me cross eyed so I could hit the son-of-a-bitch!

It had been almost three hours since Harrison walked out. After crying until she finally could cry no longer, Laura swept up the broken cup and was on her hands and knees wiping up the sticky coffee when she heard the front door. She looked up to see Harrison come in and flop down in one of the kitchen chairs.

"I was worried about you. Are you okay?" she asked.

"Worried about me? Don't give me that crap; I don't want to hear it. If you were worried about me you wouldn't be in somebody else's bed. Well... now you can just go worry about your lover from now on."

"Harrison, please let me talk to you."

"Fine, talk; although I don't know what there is to talk about. I think you pretty much said it all, you were very clear, you're sleeping with another man, end of story as far as I'm concerned."

"Harrison, please listen to me... "

"Do you love him?" he asked without looking at her.

"Oh God, no; no, not at all. I don't even really know him."

"Really," he commented with a sneer. "You went to bed with him, you FUCKED him. I'd say you know him pretty damn well. Who is he? Do I know him?"

"No, no, you don't know him. I met him through work. He's one of our major clients."

"Ah huh, so if you don't love him, what was it then, a way to keep his business? Are you the new company whore?"

His harsh words tore into her very soul. She wanted to break down again but she couldn't, she had to at least try to talk to him.

"No, Harrison, it wasn't like that; please, listen to me. I was stupid and selfish but it's over. I quit my job today so I'll never have to see him again."

That caught his attention. "You quit your job?"

"Yes, I also changed my cell phone number. I had to show you it was truly over. I'll never see or talk to him again, I knew I had to make a clean break and if that's what it took, it was a small sacrifice to show you how sincere I am."

"Sincere, what a laugh," he mocked under his breath. "So what are you going to do to support yourself?" he asked.

"I don't know. I'm not worried about that right now, the only thing that I'm concerned with is saving my marriage and keeping my family together."

"Huh, fat chance of that; I can't live with a cheater, Laura. You should know that by now."

"Yes, yes I know," she said bowing her head. Laura got up from the floor and sat down on the opposite side of the table from her husband.

Harrison sat lifelessly, just staring into space.

"Harrison, I know how hollow it must sound to you, but I am so sorry."

"Yea, I know, it was all just a big mistake; you'll never let it happen again... right?" he said derisively. "What's his name, anyway?"

She remembered what the book taught her, make no excuses, explain it the best you can, and answer all his questions honestly.

"His name is Brad Griffin, and I wish I could say it was a mistake, Harrison, but I can't. Mistakes are made when people screw up because they don't know any better. I knew better, we both know that. No, it was selfishness and arrogance; I had worked so hard to break the glass ceiling at work, that when I did it, I felt entitled. I felt like life owed me something for all my effort. He was flattering and charming; I let myself believe he was my reward. It was the worst decision I ever made in my life and I'll regret it until the day I die."

Harrison lowered his head and rubbed his temples. He was getting a headache. He needed coffee; he might even drink it this time. He felt lost in his own house as he got up and poured a cup. His entire world seemed to be unraveling around him. This morning he was a strong, confident man with a loving wife and beautiful daughter. Now he was questioning his manhood and his loving wife turned out not to be so loving, but the worst part was his beautiful daughter. He was no fool. He knew how the courts worked. He was sure his wife would get full custody in the divorce. How would that affect the relationship between him and Ashley? They'd always been so close?

He stood at the counter, sipping coffee while he stared out the window. He just didn't understand how this could happen. He turned to face the only woman he ever loved.

"I'm going upstairs to pack. I'll see a lawyer tomorrow."

Although it really wasn't a surprise, her heart dropped at the mention of a lawyer. "No Harrison, if one of us has to go it should be me. I packed a bag earlier in case you threw me out," she admitted sadly.

"Really, and where would you go?"

"I don't know, to a motel I guess."

"Ah huh; and just how do you figure to pay for it?" he responded. "You don't have a job anymore, remember?"

"I don't know; I can afford a cheap motel, at least for a little while."

"And what happens after a little while? You think you're just going to move back in when you run out of money? Even cheap motels are fifty and sixty bucks a night and they're not very safe for a woman alone. Besides, we can't both quit our jobs. I still have to work and Ashley's going to need someone to be here for her. No, I'll get packed and be out of here as soon as possible," he said, in a voice still dripping with anger.

"Harrison, please, could you wait one more day so your daughter can see you before you go. She needs your reassurance that you still love her, that you're still her dad. Please, I'll sleep in the guest room tonight."

Ashley was the one and only card in the deck she could play and win.

"How much does she know?" he asked.

"Everything... well, except for the details of course, but I told her what I had done," Laura explained.

"Why; why did you do that? Couldn't you have just told her we had a fight or something?"

"She's our daughter, Harrison. This is going to impact her just as much as the rest of us, maybe more; she has a right to know the truth," Laura sadly pronounced.

Her argument was sound. It didn't take him long to relent. "Alright," he said with a sigh. "I'll come home after work tomorrow and talk to her before I take off."

"Thank you, Harrison, thank you so much."

"I'm not doing it for you, I'm doing it for her," he snapped.

Laura looked at the man who had always been a pillar of strength, the man with whom she always felt safe and protected. The anger was obvious, but behind it lurked the hurt, she could see it in his eyes; she could read it in his body language. He was slightly slumped over, his shoulders drooped and his head hung down. It was almost as if he had aged ten years in the last three hours. Laura couldn't ever remember hating anyone in her whole life, but at that moment, she hated herself, there was no other word for it.

"Harrison, I know I have no right to ask, but do you think you could do me a favor?"

"A favor?" he scoffed. "You've got balls I'll say that for you. Sure what is it, you want me to fix you up with one of the guys from work?"

Laura knew he was lashing out to hurt her like she hurt him, but his words still felt like a dagger through her heart. She had never seen him in so much pain and knowing she was the cause made everything so much worse.

"Harrison, this is a psychology book that deals with adultery. It's very good. It opened my eyes to what I was doing and what I was risking. Will you read it?

"Me... why? I'm not the one sleeping in someone else's bed."

"I know, Harrison, but it explains the reasons why people get caught up in affairs, and there're tons of them. It goes into people's vulnerabilities... "

"Ah huh, and you think there's something in there that'll get me to forgive you. Forget it Laura."

"No, that's not it. Please, Harrison. I'm not making any excuses, but at the very least it will point out that my affair had nothing to do with your ability to please me, in or out of the bedroom. It will help you see that this was my fault, not yours. You weren't responsible in any way. Please," she reiterated while pushing the book across the table to where he had been sitting.

"I'm going up to take a shower," he said downing the last of his coffee. "Then I'm going to move some clothes into the guest room for tomorrow. You can have the bedroom. I don't want to sleep in that bed anymore."

Again his words cut into her soul. "What about dinner?" Laura asked.

"I'm not hungry," he replied walking past the table and leaving the book where it lay.

No one got any sleep that night, not Harrison, not Laura, and not Ashley. Laura heard Harrison moving around an hour or so before the alarm was due to go off. She thought of making him some breakfast but if he was up that early it was because he didn't want to see her and she had to respect that. She knew she had to give him some space and time to deal with everything.

She laid awake listening, visualizing what he was doing, and praying it wouldn't be the last time she would ever hear him getting ready for work. When she heard the front door shut she was sure her heart stopped.

Laura wasn't about to get any sleep anyway so she got up and put her robe on to go down stairs. She was hoping he took the book with him but it was still on the table right where she left it.

Laura felt empty inside as she robotically maneuvered around her kitchen making breakfast. By the time she was finishing her first cup of coffee for the day, she had already questioned her decision to come clean, at least three or four times, again.

She sat, numbly staring at the wall in search of her future. She was going to need a new job whether Harrison stayed or not. Her mind was also mulling around Val's suggestion to write a book. At first it sounded ridiculous. Other than a few essays in high school, she'd never written anything before, but the more she thought about it, the more she liked the idea. Even if it never got published, at the least it would probably be cathartic. It was something to think about.

Laura was so deep in thought that the ringing of the wall phone startled her. It wasn't even eight-thirty yet; it could only be one person.

"Hello Val, how is Ashley doing?"

"How did you know it was me," Val asked a little astonished.

"Who else would call me this early? How is she?"

"Ah... well she cried most of the night. I didn't send her to school. I think it would be a waste of time, besides she needs you."

"Yeah, I agree. Let me grab a shower and I'll come over and pick her up, okay?"

"That's fine. She's still in bed but I'll start breakfast and let her know you're coming for her. She just needs to be with family."

"Okay, thanks for taking her, Val."

"It was no problem. So... how did it go?"

"Not too well. He was going to move out last night but I talked him into coming home tonight after work so he could talk to Ashley first. Val, maybe I should have listened to you and not said anything. You should have seen him, I hurt him so deeply, he was in so much pain all I wanted to do was wrap my arms around him and hold him, but of course I couldn't. I've caused so much grief, first Ashley then Harrison, it was the most heartbreaking experience I've ever gone through and I know it was worse for them."

"Well, if it's any consolation, after we talked the other day I changed my mind about not telling Harrison. I think you were right to tell him, honey. A marriage should not be based on a lie, and by not telling him that's exactly what you'd be doing, lying by omission. No, I think you did the right thing. I'm still not sure about telling Ashley but I know you're doing what you feel is best. I just hope it works out for you."

"Thanks Val, that means a lot. Ah, if I come over about nine-thirty, is that okay?"

"Yeah," Val answered, "that'll be fine."

Laura dragged herself into the shower. She was hoping the soothing hot water would help calm her nerves but it did nothing more than wash away the tracks of her tears.

Just before leaving, Laura remembered the book sitting on the kitchen table. She still hoped she could get Harrison to read it. He was right of course, there was nothing in it that would give him a reason to forgive her, but if he understood how many human emotions were involved maybe he at least wouldn't hate her. Laura brought the book upstairs and laid it on her dresser.

The moment she stepped into Val's house Ashley ran and hugged her tightly. Laura covered her with a protective wrap of her arms, cradling the young girls head in her hand.

"What did he say, mom; what did dad say?" she asked with tears in her eyes.

Laura looked to her friend sitting on the couch, for guidance but a subtle shake of Val's head told her there was none forthcoming.

How could she tell her daughter? What words could she possibly use to reduce the terrible hurt Ashley would feel when her dad moved out of the house? Obviously there were none.

"Honey, Your father was extremely hurt and very angry. I honestly don't know what's going to happen, but he did say he was going to move out of the house."

She felt Ashley start to sob more heavily.

"Honey, you will still see him. If I know your father he won't move very far and I would never restrict your time with him in any way. Remember, honey, he's angry with me, not you."

Harrison sat at his desk. Something, a noise of some kind brought him back to reality. He realized he'd been staring at the same sheet of paper for the last forty minutes and had yet to read the first word. His mind was in turmoil. His subconscious was traveling back in time, not in a linear fashion, but in a series of broken flashbacks, searching for clues, for something that would make some sense of his current plight. There was nothing.

His brain switched gears from the past to the future. What will life be like after the divorce, he wondered? What will it do to my relationship with my daughter?

When he walked into his office earlier that morning, Harrison had every intension of calling a good divorce lawyer, first thing. He glanced at the clock on his desk, it was almost noon and he hadn't dialed the number yet.

Harrison rose from his chair and walked over to his third story window. He was tired. The emotional strain he was going through was draining him physically as well. He was confused, unsure of himself. What's wrong with me, he asked himself. He was always so confident in his judgment. Even as a young boy he could analyze whatever situation came up and use cold, hard logic to bring it to a successful conclusion. But this wasn't logical and as hard as he tried to look at it like that, in the end he knew the conclusion would be anything but a success.

The other thing on his mind was Ashley. He knew she would be hurt terribly by him moving out and divorcing her mother, but somehow he had to make her understand. Huh, he snickered to himself, how am I going to make her understand when I don't understand it myself?

As the day grew older, Harrison became more anxious. All day he'd been at a loss as to what to do. It wasn't like him. He had tried repeatedly to analyze things but how do you analyze feelings of the heart. He'd loved Laura for twenty years and as hurt, disappointed, and angry as he was, that love was not about to go away anytime soon.

Harrison sighed, it was time to go home and face his little girl. He wasn't looking forward to it.

"Dad, oh dad," Ashley cried out as she ran to the front door. She threw her arms around his waist and squeezed for all she was worth. "Dad, I love you."

Harrison put his arms around his daughter and hugged her back. "I love you too, pumpkin."

Laura watched from the kitchen doorway as a tear broke free from the corner of her eye and trickled down the side of her face. "Harrison, I hope you can stay for dinner," she said wiping the moisture away. "It's almost done."