I'm sorry if this episode was delayed but I've been down south tending to my ailing mother. I'm back home now but I must continue to write and get this all out of me. Thanks for the wonderful support you have given to me.
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It started on a Sunday morning at around 5:30. My cell phone was ringing, but ringing somewhere off in the distance. Or was this a dream I was having that suddenly took an illegal left turn? I came out of my sleep when the cell phone began to ring again. I just up and trotted over to my desk to retrieve it. I looked at, but without my glasses and my sleepy state, I could hardly make it out. Then it stopped ringing.
I looked closely at the little screen as I stumbled to the john. The caller was my mother! My mother down in Florida! My elderly and ailing mother down in Florida! I peed and washed my face and took the phone to call her back when it began to ring again.
"Hello Ma?"
"Hi, son. I want you to do me a favor?"
"Sure, Ma. Whatever. What is it?"
"Will you call you father and ask him to call me because I don't know where he is. He told me he was going out to get something and he never got back."
I paused.
"Ma? Run that by me again? Did you say Dad didn't come back?"
"Yes. He said he'd come right back," and she hung up.
I looked at myself in the mirror to see if maybe I was still in a dream. I washed my face again. I looked at the phone. Considering that my Dad died about 5 years ago, I was somewhat shaken, to put it very mildly. My mother was disoriented and hallucinating. I had better go down there immediately to see what was going on.
I showered and went back to my bedroom to pack a bag, get dressed and run to the airport. I turned on my computer and padded off to the kitchen to brew up some coffee. This was a perfect morning an extra strong cup of French Roast.
While it was brewing, I toasted half a bagel (with a shmear) figuring that I needed some sustenance before this day began. Thus supplied, I padded back to the computer to see the flight schedule and buy a ticket. I also called my mother. No answer.
The first flight that I could buy was at 12:50 pm so I had plenty of time. The airport was only about a half hour away so I had plenty of time to stew in the situation. When I finally lifted off, I was prepared for anything. My bag was packed for a couple of weeks with a few Tommy Bahama shirts (just in case things weren't all that bad and I had to spend a few days and because you never know. Know what I mean?). I checked my bag and carried only my computer bag onto the plane and found that my seat was near the window. The other two passengers next to me were an elderly married couple. I slept throughout the entire three hour flight awakening as we made our descent into West Palm Beach Airport.
I hurried out of the terminal and grabbed a cab to my mother's house off Military Trail. I called her. No answer. Her house was a nice unattached house in a nice retirement community by a nice lake with a nice circulating fountain in the middle of the lake that always kept me awake all night whenever I slept there and kept me going to the john to pee all night... In a few minutes, we were pulling up.
I rang the doorbell. I rang it again. I waited and rang it again. Suddenly, the door slowly creaked with the sound of locks being turned. The door slowly opened and my mother, very thin and very frail, looked at me.
"Son? What are you doing here?"
I walked in and put down my bags.
"Mom, I've been trying to call you all day since I spoke to you this morning."
"I didn't speak to you this morning."
I stared at her.
"...and, you know, if I don't put in my hearing aids, I can't hear that phone...it's not loud enough...or maybe I just need new batteries for my hearing aid...but I just put in new batteries last week. So, what are you doing here?"
I kissed her.
"Nice to see you, too, Ma."
I led her into the kitchen and sat her at the table. I put up some coffee and sat down next to her.
"Which coffee did you take? The decaf? I have decaf. It's good for you."
"Ma, do you remember calling me this morning at 5:30?"
"I didn't call you. I haven't spoken to you. But I'm okay. I didn't hurt myself too badly. The paramedic said I'll be okay."
"Ma, what are you talking about? What paramedics?"
Over the course of the next hour, my mother, in her rambling, disassociated way, told me how she had fallen in a parking lot and that when she came to, paramedics were taking her to the hospital.
"...but they gave me an MRI and the doctor said I was okay and...where's your father?"
What? The story was getting stranger by the moment. I decided to call her doctor immediately. After fifteen minutes of story and whining and misery and all sorts of business, I was able to get his phone number. I called his office and was able to wangle an appointment first thing the next morning.
I'll spare you the absurd details of my evening, night, and morning with her. I'll spare you the nonsensical events that took place. When the doctor told me that the problem was the cocktail of prescribed drugs she was taking, I was relieved. At least now I could understand her state of mind. I was glad that it was not Alzheimer's and I told the doctor.
"Oh, no. It still might be Alzheimer's but first we have to detox her before we can test for that!"
It astonished me to hear those words about her said in such a cold and clinical way. He wrote down a series of instructions explaining the weaning schedule of the different drugs. The drugs included a little Vicotin, a little Zoloft, a little Percoset, a bit of oxycotin, a little Benedryl, some Singulair...you get the picture. No wonder she was somewhere circling deep space! He also told me that she'd pulled several muscles in her shoulder and might even have a rotator cuff problem but that it was healing. He also told me to buy her lots of food and to start fattening her up. He also suggested physical therapy. What a guy.
When I got her home, I called my office and explained that I would be away for about two weeks. I called her Health Care Provider and arranged for a few shifts of aides as well as a visiting physical therapist. I realized that I might have to sell her house and move her into an Assisted Living facility. But first we had to wean her off the drugs.
The next week was very tough. She drove everybody crazy. In the first few days, I discovered that her hallucinations took place in the early morning when she would walk around in a daze. As the drugs were halved and then, in some cases, eliminated, her lucid moments would increase. Not to the point where one would consider her pleasant, mind you.
Now let me just say this about my mother. I love her because she is my mother but not because of the person she is. I have never liked my mother. As a young boy, I was beaten viciously by both my parents but my mother's beatings seemed to have an extra amount of wildness and venom. Later in life, after the births of my children, I grew to forgive her. Even then, she was still not a nice person. She was envious and annoying, she was racist and vain...I could go on and on but this is a short story and not Moby Dick. As we weaned her, her natural meanness began to surface again and I knew I had to find some escape. I called an old friend and one afternoon, we hooked up and I scored some weed. As I had drunk all the cognac in the house, this was a godsend.
By the end of the first week, I realized that there was little more for me to do. I'd set things in motion and now I was a little lost and with time on my hands. One night, after she and the aide had gone to sleep, I surfed the web for some porn and jerk-off stories. This was an escape I really needed.
I took a look at the local Craig's List and answered a few ads from some local women and a couple of couples. I figured that I had one chance in hell to hook up for some sex but then again, I did bring my Tommy Bahama shirts and you never know. Right?
Then I found some stories and whacked myself, spanked the monkey and spooged all over my handkerchief. I slept well.
Days were getting very weird. After an hour after med time, she'd get wacky but not good wacky. All the rest of the time she was annoying. Everything had to be said three or four times because, even with the hearing aids, she couldn't hear shit and when she finally heard what I said or replied, she'd admonish
"Don't yell! I can hear you perfectly well. Go comb your hair, you look like one of...one of...oh, you know what I mean..."
I was starting to think like her and it was frightening. And then I received an email response.
"Hi. Got your response to our CL ad. We're in Jupiter, about a half hour from you. I'm 50, she's 40. We're very discreet but lately have been fantasizing about a threesome with a stranger. We're both bi-curious but she much more than me. I must meet you first. Send a picture(s) and phone number."
First chance I had, I emailed him several pix (face, full body, hard cock. You know, the usual) and my cell. A few minutes later, I got a response.
"Nice pix. Will call at noon."
It was 11:30. I made up some story to my mother and the aide and received a shopping list for an answer. I was driving north on Military when he called me. I pulled into a parking lot and parked.
"Hi. Peter here.....nice pictures...let's meet somewhere for a drink."
We arranged to meet at a bar in Riviera Beach. Fifteen minutes later, I pulled in. As I got out of the car, I heard my name and looked up to see Peter walking toward me. He was about the same height, balding, beard and moustache, similar build (good but not great)...wow, he was like me!
"Hey. How about we go into my car for a few minutes? I have to get back to my office soon."
We got into his Escalade and spend a few minutes talking about nothing much. He had a partially smoked cigar in the ashtray that he went to relight when he asked me if I wanted to smoke a joint instead. Duh.
"You seem pretty cool. What is your wife like? We haven't talked at all about her."