1
"Spread your legs." The man said as he came into the room. A sense of relief washed over me and I complied with his request.
The worst part wasn't the men, wasn't having them on top of me, inside me, or even the filthy things they said. The worst was waiting in that black room for the next one to come in. I could have left, just walked out. I could have, but then I would have had to walk through the house, walk through that room full of men. I was too ashamed to do that. Somehow it was easier to stay. But the waiting was unbearable. Lying on those sheets drenched in my sweat and theirs, feeling our combined fluids leaking from me and becoming cold in a wet stain under my ass. It was the shame though, the shame that leapt from the dark, seemed to rip a tear in the blackness and flow into the room, into me, it was that shame that made me welcome anyone who would open my door and distract me from it.
The shame arose from allowing myself to end up here, from cheating on my husband again, but mostly it came from how my body, how I, was reacting each time the door opened, each time a new man entered the room, entered my mind with his awful words and entered me with his dirty demanding prick.
2
After my husband found out that I cheated on him he treated me differently, colder. It tore me apart that I had hurt him, and that now he couldn't open up to me. I felt embarrassed and ashamed of my behavior.
3
The first time was at my high school reunion, my twenty year. The party was at Joe Yaver's house, a guy in our class who had turned out fairly successful and also happened to be partner's with my husband Will. Joe had met my husband not long after he started his business. Will isn't from around here but moved here with me after college at U Conn. Will had hired Joe to handle sales. My husband isn't really good at sales, at least he says so, but apparently Joe is a wizard. I can understand why, Joe just has this way about him. He seems like a really nice guy but he has this way of making you feel uncomfortable and vulnerable. It's like I feel naked around him. It feels kind of skeevy but also sexy. And I know it's not just because of our past, other women have made similar comments to me. Apparently men just feel at ease with him, like old friends. Eventually Joe asked to be partner's in the business, he said he'd quit otherwise. Will made him partner, he said he'd lose half his clients without Joe anyway.
The reunion was winding down and I had decided it was time to go home. I had had a couple, but I don't drink like I used to and I had to drive. I said my goodbyes and was heading toward my car when Joe called out to me from the front deck of his house. Everyone that was still there was hanging out on the back deck.
"Erica." He said. "I've some papers that Will needs, come to my office for a sec and I'll give em to you."
"Can't you give them to Will yourself on Monday."
"Come on Erica it'll just take a second."
"Shit" I muttered under my breath, but I turned around and headed back towards the house where Joe was waiting on the front deck.
"Thanks Erica, it'll be quick. I swear."
"It's OK". I said politely and followed him as he held the door open for me and then followed me into the house. I felt his gaze on me as I led the way up the stairs to his office. As the noise of the party drifted away I could hear his footsteps following me down the long upstairs hall. The hairs on the back of my neck rose. I had to subdue the urge to run. That familiar feeling was back. I felt like I was just wearing only my heels. My gate faltered a little as this vision flashed through my mind. I saw myself through his eyes my long brown hair swaying back and forth on my exposed back, instead of my modestly cut summer dress. My bottom and my naked vagina peeking out and back at him as I walked. I shook these thoughts aside, "Just get the papers." I thought as I turned into his swanky and immaculately clean home office. Hardwood floors, bookshelves, a brown leather couch, big screen TV., executive desk, and large windows facing west towards the water that now only showed black in the well lit room.
"Where are they?" I said, impatience in my voice."
"On the desk" he said, coming in behind me.
The desk was L shaped and there was one folder on the far side. There was nothing else on the desk save an LCD monitor. No mouse, keyboard or even a picture. Rather than walk around, I leantover the desk and reached for the folder. As I did I felt Joe come up on my left and then I felt his hand on the back of my neck. Instantly I tried to stand up, but he had all the leverage. He pushed my face down toward the desk and I was pressed to it from my hips up. His hold was strong but not violent or unyielding.
"What the fuck Joe" I said, amazed that I didn't sound scared, didn't feel scared. Looking back I think it was the way he held me there. Just enough pressure so that I couldn't move, but not enough to hurt me.
"You going to spank me?" I said. A hint of laughter in my voice. Oddly I didn't want to make a scene. I felt an instant urge to keep things light. Strange thoughts went through my head about awkwardness at business parties, what Will said about how much of our affluence had to do with Joe's ability to sell. Strange things that shouldn't at all have been a consideration at this moment.
"Erica," he said with a calm and a nonchalance that made it seem like we were having tea, "Did you ever tell Will that we dated in High school."
"No". I said. Feeling the need to explain myself, but not feeling quite comfortable with my answer. Joe never asked about my previous partners, that was part of it, sure. But also it always seemed like a non-sequitar. Like what, Hunny I hired Joe Yaver to run sales for me, and I say, Oh that's interesting Will I fucked in High school. But as time went on I knew I should have told him something, but I never did.
Joe watched my face which was turned toward him and pressed against the desk. He watched and waited while this explanation went through my head. But, "No," was all I said and time stretched out. I began to feel uncomfortable with the silence. Odd given our situation but that's how I felt. Joe on the other hand still emanated a calm presence. I couldn't see his face, but I pictured him with an easy look and maybe a cup of tea. I knew he was waiting for me to explain.
"I just haven't that's all."
"Is it because of the things you did back then Erica."
4
Joe and I hooked up at the end of my senior year and we only dated for the summer prior to me leaving for college. Which was a good thing because I was allowing myself to get carried away by the time I packed off to college. Because Joe made me kind of anxious and at the same time made me feel sexy I tended to do what he wanted. He had me all over town that summer, in his car, my parents bed, at the park, in the bathroom of a restaurant, any where he wanted, any where he asked. And that wasn't all. In the last two weeks before I left he started showing me off. I flashed men in other cars, in the supermarket, at the bowling alley, and even some of his friends. I showed Jim Hanson my vagina while riding in the back of Joe's car. Joe told me to so I did. Jim turned around and gawked at my exposed pussy, while Joe eyed me in the rear view mirror. I never looked at Jim while I had my pants down. I just stared at Joe in the mirror. Joe wasn't looking at my pussy either but right into my eyes. Then while looking at me he said.
"Put your fingers in her."
My face was hot already from the shame, but I was turned on. I probably only had my pants down for a couple minutes before Joe told him to finger me, but I was soaking. I little drip of my juice had seeped out and I can still remember feeling it running down towards my ass. I was so humiliated by my arousal, it was the worst part for me, but the more embarrassed and ashamed I was the more wet and aroused I became.
Jim started fingering me but he was an amateur. He didn't even touch my clit. If he had I know I would have cum instantly. I wanted to cum so bad and I kept trying to rock my hips forward and brush my clit against his hand but I couldn't. Eventually Joe pulled over. It felt like ten minutes later but was probably only about two. Joe stopped the car in front of Jim's, where we were dropping him off. When Jim realized we were at his place he pulled his fingers out, and looked a Joe saying.
"What the fuck man some one could see."
"Don't you want to see her cum." Joe said.
By now Jim was fully turned around in his seat on his knees, one hand holding on to the head rest the other holding his wet fingers up in the air like a surgeon who didn't want to touch anything with his clean hands, or maybe more like a guy who was holding something he wanted to set down but didn't know how or where to put it.
"Ya," Jim said Looking from my pussy to my face and back again, transfixed, "but can't you keep driving."
"No" Joe said. "Either get out or watch, but make up your mind."
"I'll watch, said Jim breaking his eyes away from my open vagina for an instant to take a nervous look around. "I'll watch." he said again quieter but determined.
This whole exchange took about fifteen seconds and Joe's eyes never left mine. He held me in place with his eyes. Then he nodded at me almost imperceptibly. My hands flew, one to my opening and one to my clit. My orgasm came seconds later, but I can't tell you exactly how long it was till they fell off and I slumped even lower on the rear bench seat of Joe's car. It felt like forever, but I know it couldn't have been more than a minute or so. I can still hear Jim repeating over and over. "Holy shit. Holy shit man." as he got his crap together and left the car.
5
"No." I said, "I wouldn't have told him everything." It had been some time since Joe had asked his question I realized. I hadn't thought about that day with Jim Hanson in so much detail in years. I noticed then I was comfortable in this position. My legs were comfortably straight, my arms were resting in semicircles formed on either side of my head, the room was warm even hot and the desk comfortably cool. Joe's grip on my neck relaxed to the point that it felt now as if his hand was merely resting there.
After my response I felt Joe's other hand on my thigh just above my knee, he trailed it up along the back of my leg until he reached the hem of my dress which was hitched up because of my position. That bit of cloth didn't slow his hand at all, no hesitation, his hand moved up carrying my hem with it until when he reached my underwear his fingers left my body and continued to pull up my dress until he piled the bottom half of it in the small of my back leaving me exposed from the waist down, except for my underwear.
"Have you just been remembering those times, " Joe said.
"Umm." I said suddenly feeling caught.
"Do they still excite you?" Joe continued.
I was suddenly worried that my panties would be wet. I squeezed a little to see if I could tell and realized instantly that that was a mistake.
"Are you worried that your arousal might show?" Joe said, and then went on without waiting for an answer. "I can't see from here, but I could check." "If your panties are wet, would that embarrass you?" He said.
"No", I said, too forcefully. I sounded defensive. That realization, the self doubt made my head spin, I have every right to be defensive I thought, what the fuck is going on, this man is my husbands business partner, this is wrong I love my husband, I don't need to be doubtful, I need to get the fuck out of here. These thoughts made my body tense up, but I only realized this when I felt Joe's hand press down harder on my neck, forcing my cheek against the desk with more pressure than before. Not so much pressure that I was uncomfortable, but enough for me to realize that he was in control. But he wasn't I knew that at the same time, he wouldn't fight me, he never did, he never laid a hand on me, Joe wasn't violent he was, what I don't know something else.
With these thoughts I relaxed, and so did the hand. I could leave but I hadn't, I could leave now but I'm not moving, I could make a different choice but I'm not going to. I realized this, knowing at the same time that this is how it must always happen. Every women, every man that had ever cheated, had ever sinned, no matter the circumstance they must all have this moment, I could get up, walk out, but I haven't yet, I'm not now, and eventually comes the realization that I am not going to.
