A Question of Love and Infidelity

Lying here, I'm looking over at the person who loves me almost unconditional. You may ask what that feels like and for the life of me I really can't explain it, you just have to experience it to understand. Nothing will ever be the same, and I don't know if that's a good thing or bad? I just know that right now I have no wish for it to change.

Let me fill you in on how I came to be laying here watching my lover sleep the sleep of the contented. It started for a better way of putting it almost a year and two months ago.

"Nurse? Her eye fluttered!"

I heard some rustling and then a hand on my wrist, "Ms Baxter? Can you hear me? Do you know what day it is?"

I opened my eyes, but I only managed to see out of my right one. I was confused; the room was out of focus and didn't look familiar, I realised that I was in hospital and the two women standing over me were strangers. The one in a nurse's uniform smiled down at me and continued to take my pulse, "Where am I? What happened?" My head hurt like bitch, and my one good eye was blurry.

"You're ok Ms Baxter! You've had a nasty bum to the head, and some minor cuts and abrasions, but apart from that you're doing well my dear. I need you to answer some simple question if you would. You've had a head injury, and we need to know what affect that has had. Do you think you can do that for me?" The nurse smiled again to reassure me.

I looked to the other woman; she didn't look like she was part of the medical staff. While the nurse was talking I was doing an inventory of what I knew. I looked back to the nurse, "How about I save time here! I don't remember much of anything, I have no idea what day it is or who I am, where I live or what I do for a crust!"

I looked back over to the other one. "And who are you?" She was little more than a girl, abate pretty, eighteen to twenty, mousey blonde hair tied back in a tight ponytail, her clothes didn't seem to fit her; hanging loosely on her petite frame. With a little help she could quite easily turn heads where ever she went. She was on crutches, with her left leg in plaster, "Don't you remember me Natalie? I'm your partner, Serena! We share a home together, and have done for almost a year now!"

I was now more confused and I thought, "Partner? Not friend or girlfriend, or even sister, but partner as though we're living together. What sort of life did I have? How many more surprises will I have to get through?"

The nurse smirked, but kept her tongue. For me, I couldn't for some reason, remember my own name, or if I was in a relationship with anyone, let alone a lesbian one with this waif, "No! I'm sorry I don't. You do look familiar, but for the life of me, I can't remember from where!" My head started to pound and I slipped mercifully back into oblivion.

The next time I woke, a different nurse was tending the machines hooked up to me. There were tubes and wires hanging off me right left and centre. I must have looked like a reject from the Star Trek, Borg movie. Looking around, I saw Serena sleeping in a chair, the nurse noticed, "The poor thing hasn't gone home since you've been here. The nurse gingerly pulled the blanket back over Serena's shoulders, "She certainly thinks the world of you my dear. She's pestered the doctors incessantly about your condition. Do you remember anything?"

I lay there watching her chest rise and fall steadily as she slept. I shook my head and felt dizzy, "Ohhh... Jesus that hurt! I can't even remember what I ate last!" I whispered, shutting my eye as little tendrils of pain shot through my head.

The nurse smiled and put a needle into my cannula, "Just a little something to ease the pain and allow you to sleep. Sweet dreams and I'll see you in the morning!"

The following morning I woke to find Serena's chair empty. I pressed the call button and waited, "You're awake missy, and how are you feeling this morning?"

I blinked my one good eye a couple of times, "Better I think. Where's...Ummm the girl...Serena is it?"

The nurse went about tidying my bedding and checking the monitoring equipment, "We sent her home to shower, and change clothes. She said she'd be back in an hour with a change of underwear and a nightie for you. So how's the brain box this morning? Remember anything from before the accident?"

"Just flashes last night, I must have dreamt, but I don't know if they were real or just dreams."

The nurse brightened, "Well that's a start, much better than nothing my dear. Amnesia isn't uncommon in head injury cases like yours!"

The doctors were in and giving me the good news when Serena appeared at the door to my room. She seemed reluctant to enter. I couldn't put my finger on it; her demeanour was meek, mild and/or submissive? I'm not sure, but she looked as though she would dissolve if confronted harshly.

"You'll be able to go home in a couple of days Ms Baxter, you have been suffering from a depressed skull fracture. We had to put a couple of bur holes just above you right temple to relieve the pressure on your brain."

A nurse handed me a mirror and I saw that they had shaved the side of my head, "I'm going to have to shave the other side and go punk until my hair grows out!" I quipped.

One of the nurses giggled, "Pink, blue, and purple dye in your hair and it won't look out of place at all!"

I didn't know whether to laugh or cry, but the doctor saved me, "Everything seems to be healing well now, but I have to impress on you that while every indication shows that you're out of the woods, but if you should feel at all unwell, I suggest you get yourself back here to hospital. I would rather hope you had someone to look after you for a week or two!"

Serena commented mousey from the doorway, "It's ok, I'll take good care of Natalie, Doctor Niles. I have done my St John's comprehensive first aid course. I was the one who gave her emergency aid at the scene of our accident." Dr Niles nodded his approval, "Then you look like you're in good hand Ms Baxter. Two days for the rest of your tests to come back and then you can go home." I had been in hospital for over a week, and I wondered if anyone else had missed me.

After the medical staff left, Serena stood looking expectantly at me, "I brought you some things. Change of underwear and a nightie. Those back to front hospital gowns are awfully draughty." She giggled nervously.

I smiled at her; there was something about her that I liked, but as far as calling it love, then the jury was still out on that one. I didn't even know how I felt about loving, or making love to another woman.

Obviously different processes reside in different parts of the brain, and in mine the memory centre was affected, but I still remembered how to talk, I hadn't written anything, but I could remember how to spell words. A thought caught me then; why wasn't I upset at not being able to remember? I didn't feel panicky because I couldn't remember Serena or our love making; in fact I didn't feel much at all. I was just disorientated and confused if anything.

The trip from the hospital was a task to say the least. After much effort with staggering and clumsy grabbing, Serena and I managed to get to her/our front door. As soon as she opened it I got a flash of memory, it was of Serena standing in the doorway, with an old grandfather clock behind her, but this entry didn't have the clock in it.

I stood for a minute waiting for more, but it never came. Serena asked concerned, "Are you ok sweetheart?"

"I saw a flash of an old grandfather clock when we entered. Does that mean anything?"

Serena seemed a little cautious, "That could be the clock at my mother's place, you did take a shine to it when you first saw it. Are you sure you're alright?"

I shook my head to clear it, "Yes of course I'm fine sweetie!" I stopped again and thought, "Where'd that come from?" I couldn't remember ever calling anyone sweetie! I took a deep breath, something nagged at the back of my mind, but I was feeling too tired to dwell on it and needed to lie down.

The apartment was small and old, but certainly clean and tidy. Whichever one of us was the domestic, we liked a neat house. Serena helped me to the one and only bedroom and turned back the covers as I sat on the side of the bed. She stood looking at me as though she couldn't decide on what to do next, I helped her out, "I would really love a cup of coffee, and the dishwater they cough up in hospital is enough to put you off coffee for life!"

Serena seemed to liven up at having something to do for me, "One Serena special coming up."

When she got back from the kitchen, I'd already removed my skirt and blouse. The panties Serena had got me fitted fine, but the bra was the wrong cup size." I'm a C cup and my boobs weren't filling the void, and it gave me food for thought. I removed the ill fitting bra because it irritated me and put the nightie on that Serena had got me in hospital while I thought. For one, I felt good about remembering my bra size but that brought up another puzzlement. One would think that if we were lovers for almost a year then she should know what cup size I am? Also the fact that the bra was scratchy, as though it was brand new without ever having been put through the wash.

Serena came back with our coffee in two travel mugs, and noticed me looking at them, "I couldn't carry normal cups and walk on crutches!" She handed me mine and sat on the bottom of the bed while she sipped hers.

Every now and then giving me a cheeky smile, "What are you smiling about?"

"Ohhh nothing! I'm just so happy that you're home safe and sound. I was so worried that I've hardly slept or eaten."

I sipped mine and enquired, "Can you tell me about the accident? Maybe it'll jog my memory?"

I could see a concerned look ripple across her face, "You do remember what happened, don't you?"

Serena looked over her cups for a minute, "What can I say? It was a dumb accident, not even a spectacular one at that. You were driving and with a loss of concentration veered in the oncoming traffic, side swiping an oncoming car. That sent us into a ditch on our side. My airbag saved me from serious injury, I don't know how but I broke my ankle. Yours did go off as well, but I think you may have hit your head on the driver's door window, when you clipped the other car, because it was broken. There wasn't enough damage to the driver's side of the car to have broken the window. The police accident investigation squad are still piecing it all together!"

Apart or the details of the accident there was something reticent about Serena going into detail of where we were going and why, "Well can you tell me what we were talking about at the time? I need to know Serena; why would I lose concentration?"

Serena became clearly agitated, then she dropped her head, "I don't know, I can't remember." It was clear that she knew something but didn't want to say. I looked around the room for anything that would jog my memory. Sitting on the bedside table was a photo of the two of us. It looked like it was taken some years ago, so I commented on it, "When was this taken?"

Serena became a little more animated, "Ohhh that was at a family bbq for thanks giving, we met a couple of months before that and I introduced you to my mother that day. It wasn't the easiest of intros to say the least."

I finished my coffee, feeling a little uneasy. It was now late and I was tired and in needed of sleep, the elephant in the room was hard to ignore, "I'm tired sweetie! Do you want to..." I left it unsaid because I didn't really know what to say.

Serena got up off the bed and hesitated, "Would you prefer it if I slept on the couch? I don't mind, I mean that...you know with you not remembering and all."

That caught me as funny for some reason and I shook my head, "No sweetie, that couch didn't look at all that comfortable. I don't think you'll attack me, will you?" I tried to make it sound coy and not accusatorial, "Why don't you go get ready for bed and I'll wait for you." Serena almost slumped with what looked like relief and scooted off into the bathroom, emerging minutes later in a long cotton nightgown and her hair now loose around her shoulders. She again hesitated before climbing in and lay stiffly on her side. The elephant was now real hard to ignore.

I was anxious to say the least. Serena had been so nice and compassionate in her care of me that I didn't want to upset her, "Would it be ok if I ask you for a cuddle? I'm not up to making love but I'm feeling unsettled and need a little TLC." Serena smiled and slid over as I held up my arm; she snuggled up beside me and lay her head on my shoulder, she commented, "I didn't want to make you feel uncomfortable, with you not remembering and everything!"

I giggled, this smacked of a first date with both of us skirting around the obvious. I kissed the top of her head, "I know and you've been so patient and wonderful, maybe tomorrow we can go over our relationship in more detail."

Serena slid her arm over me and I couldn't help but notice it stopped as her hand tenderly cupped and caressed my left breast. It felt weird, but comforting at the same time.

I slept soundly for the first night without the aid of drugs. I woke only once to find myself spooning into the back of Serena only drift back off to sleep again without so much as a thought about why I was here.

Next morning when I woke, Serena was already up and making breakfast. I threw on a robe and slowly made my way to the kitchen, Serena look over her shoulder, "You should be still in bed, I was going to bring you breakfast."

I waved my hand, "I've never been all that keen on eating in bed!" The statement made me stop and think again. "I remembered that?"

Serena and I chatted over breakfast, she told me some things about where I worked, and said she'd rung them to let them know that I'd been in a car accident and that I'll be off work for a couple of more weeks. I wonder what I did there and asked Serena, "You're an Office manager of Segway Financial Solutions, and quite good at what you do, from what I've been told."

She didn't seem to know too much about my family apart from the fact that they lived out of state. As Serena was finishing the morning dishes, she added, "I have to go and do a little shopping, I haven't had time with being up at the hospital all the time. Will you be ok for an hour or so?"

I giggled, "Yes mother! I'm a big girl now, and I can look after myself!"

Serena rolled her eyes, "I'm just worried that you'll be alright."

I assured her that I'll do nothing too strenuous, "Maybe just watch a little tv and take a nap when I'm feeling tired."

While Serena was out I sat staring at the television, with nothing taking my interest. I looked around the apartment, and wondered where all the photos of us were. I expected there to be ones of us scattered around but found the only one was the one I saw last night on the bedside table. It made me wonder and I decided I needed to check out my home a little more thoroughly.

What I found gave me cause for concern. There was very little to say that I have ever lived here, walking into the bedroom, I went through the closet. Apart from a multitude of jeans, not my size, and T-shirts, there were only a couple of dresses and they all looked like ones Serena would wear.

This morning Serena was again in a formless loose fitting sundress, and I suspected that it was because she couldn't get her jeans on over her cast.

The underwear draw comprised of some bras in a thirty four B cup, and modest panties, obviously Serena's. Another draw revealed some more panties still in their packaging, and two more bras like the one I had come home in, all the wrong cup size. I was now certain that I didn't live here and that Serena had, if not a malefic agenda, it certainly was self-serving and suspicious.

The bathroom produced nothing that made me change my thinking. While there was two tooth brushes, one was brand new and two hair brushes, again one new with now hair follicles in the bristles. Cosmetics consisted of nothing more than one solitary lipstick, and a little blush and eyeliner, all of it didn't look to be used to any extent, if at all.

I would have thought for a business woman in a position as Office Manager, I would atleast have the regular complement of makeup, lotions and creams that you find in most female bathrooms.

It was obvious that Serena, while being extremely pretty, didn't seem interested in her feminine appearance, and actually went out of her way to be non-gender specific in her appearance.

I sat back in the lounge waiting for Serena to return and trying to understand what she had in mind when she started this ruse. I was fairly confident that she did know me, and probably fairly well, but I was now doubting the lover angle, and not for any anti-gay reason either.

I knew from last night, that I could quite easily fall in bed with her and feel comfortable. What did that say about my previous life, was I actually gay, or not, maybe bi-sexual?

I was standing in the hall when Serena came hobbling through the front door having difficulty in carrying two bags of groceries on crutches. As soon as she saw me she stiffened, and then dropped her gaze, before shuffling past me to the kitchen.

I followed her not saying anything until she put the bags on the table, "You want to tell me the truth now, or do I just walk out of here and find my own answers?"

Serena dropped into a chair and started to cry, "I'm sorry, so dreadfully sorry." Whatever had made her do this? I'm almost sure she knew it wasn't going to last. She looked up at me with tear filled eyes, "I do love you Natalie. Please don't ever doubt that, I always have, but..." She stopped and broke out in a fresh round of tears.

I felt sorry for her and sat down, "I'm not really your lover, am I?"

Serena just shook her head and continued to cry, "You want to tell me who I am, and how you figure into all this?"

Serena threw her head down on her arms on the table crying almost hysterically and said nothing. I knew I wouldn't get much out of her like this and I need to console her, "Serena? Listen to me sweetie, I'm not angry darlin, I just really need to find out about my past and you're the only one I know that has even a some chance of doing that. I'm going to take a shower, you put the kettle on and we'll sit down and talk all this out from there. Ok with you?" Serena didn't lift her head, but nodded her agreement.

I showered and thought about what I wanted to know, luxuriating in the steady stream of hot water caressing my body. I reluctantly turned the water off. I really wanted it to continue, but more pressing issues dominated my thoughts.

Serena stood stock still holding a fluffy pink towel, "I bought this specially for you the other day! I washed it and added softener to make it even softer to the touch."

I felt a sadness creep over me at this maudlin creature, who was obviously trying in some small way to make amends, "Thank you sweetie, I appreciate it." Standing naked in front of her didn't make me at all uncomfortable, and I could see she was almost mesmerised by my figure.

After drying off and wrapping the towel around me I padded into the bedroom, where I dropped the towel, more for Serena's benefit, than any other. I got a strange thrill out of enticing a female eye, instead of the more male stares.

Serena to her credit tried in vain not to stare and blushed when she saw me catch her.

"Do you have any clothes here that I can wear?"

Serena looked around in her closet and came out with a simple cotton sundress, "I'm sorry, but this is all I have that would go anywhere near fitting you! You're much taller than me and if you don't mind me saying so, I think you're so pretty..." She caught herself, "Sorry... well this it or the bath robe!"