Joanne's promise to keep in touch lasted a little over a week. She phoned three times the week after the Memorial Day weekend and then twice the following week, followed by a brief Sunday call in the next two weeks. She seemed to sink deeper into her job with each passing week and there was no hope she would be home on any weekend during June. The Fourth of July was a mid-week date and I wondered how Jo would mark that Holiday with her family. I had hoped she would tag the beginning or end of that Wednesday and make it a four day weekend with her family. I left the usual messages with her asking the question but by the week before the holiday, I had not received any answer. I was past being frustrated with my wife and her reluctance to keep in touch with her family. Finally on Sunday, Jo called home.
"Hi Mark. How are you?" she asked glibly.
"I'm fine. I was wondering when I'd hear from you. What's your plan for July 4th?" I asked.
"I'm in the middle of a project and I'm not sure I can get home for the holiday." she replied with an apologetic voice.
"I see. Jo, it's been a month since you've been home. Is that what I can expect; a couple of days every month or two?" I asked acidly.
"Don't be like that Mark. You know I'm trying the best I can." she said with a conciliatory voice.
"Jo, I just don't think you give us much thought any more. We're an afterthought it seems."
"That's not fair, Mark. I think of you all the time. You're not being very fair to me." she said in a complaining voice.
"Well Jo, I'm tired of begging. I'm tired of trying to remind you that you have a family. I'm tired of pleading with you to come home to see us. From now on, it's up to you." I said in an angry tone.
"Stop it Mark. You're being mean. I don't deserve this."
"We don't deserve being abandoned by you." I raised my irritated voice. "The ball's in your court, Jo. You decide how important we are. I'm finished begging you."
"Are you giving me an ultimatum?" she asked.
"No, I'm simply putting the monkey on your back. I'm telling you your relationship with this family is in your hands." I said, now angry.
"What kind of attitude is that?" she demanded.
"It's the one that says I don't have the strength or inclination to beg you to remember who we are." I concluded.
"This is very unfair of you, Mark. I thought we had an understanding. I can see I was wrong." she said in her best imperious voice.
"Suit yourself. I've told you what I think. You decide. It's now up to you who we are and what we mean to you." I said finally. "Good bye Jo. Call when you feel like it." I made no attempt to listen for an answer and hung up.
She didn't call back and I knew I had thrown down the gauntlet. She had pushed the wrong button and I was fed up with taking all the responsibility for holding this family together. I was through calling her and leaving messages with a silicone chip. I sat back in my sofa and thought about the likely consequences of this phone call. I had lost my temper and I wasn't proud of myself, but I was, in my mind, justified. She simply didn't give us much thought and from now on, the responsibility for communicating would be hers.
I didn't sleep very well that night. I tossed and turned and my thoughts were filled with recriminations over my burst of temper on the phone with Jo. I argued with myself about how justified I was to be frustrated and angry. On the other hand, this was my wife of twenty years and I couldn't come to terms with how our relationship had deteriorated to this point. Was it my fault? I didn't think so. Jo had to take some of the responsibility. The argument went on all night. By six the next morning, I was exhausted and I decided I was better off getting up and having a shower and finding something to do with myself. Coffee! I knew that would solve everything.
That afternoon I came home from work early. I was tired and I decided to take an afternoon nap. A couple of hours later, around six o'clock, I woke and went downstairs to see if Lindsay was home. She was in the kitchen, had made dinner for herself and was heading out for her regular Wednesday night softball game. I gave her a kiss on the forehead and apologized for not being with her at dinner time.
"It's OK Dad. I guess you didn't get much sleep last night after the phone call with Mom." she said.
"You heard? Oh ... I'm sorry Lindsay. I didn't want you to have to hear that. I should have been more careful." I offered apologetically.
"You really laid it on the line for her ... I'm proud of you Dad." she said smiling.
"I'm not sure it was the smartest thing I could have done; I guess I let my temper get the best of me. I hope I haven't done too much damage."
"You were right, Dad. It's up to Mom to decide. She's the one who left us. She's the one who doesn't call or come here." Lindsay was growing up fast; maybe too fast. I gave her a hug and another kiss and thanked her for her support and wished her luck at her game.
I went to the liquor cupboard and took out the Scotch bottle and poured myself a stiff drink. I walked out on the deck and sat in the warm early summer evening. I had made some big decisions today. Or, at least I had confirmed decisions that I had been thinking about for a while now. I would have to share these with Lindsay and Pete this weekend because all of us were going to be affected by them. I slowly sipped my Scotch and sat quietly, listening to the early evening birds; lost in my thoughts. Sometime later, I rose and went in the house, scrounging for something to eat. I made myself another Scotch while I concocted a sandwich from leftovers and went back out on the deck. I finished the sandwich and the Scotch and put my head back on the lounge chair and again fell asleep.
I guess I sensed someone's presence rather than heard it. I woke, groggy from the sleep and realized it was dark. I looked over my shoulder and saw the outline of a woman silhouetted in the kitchen light. I stood unsteadily and turned to see who it was. I was surprised to see Jo; standing there in her business suit and looking at me wordlessly.
"Hi." I said brilliantly; desperately trying to gather my thoughts. I quickly looked at my watch and saw that it was almost ten.
"Hi Mark. Sorry, I didn't mean to startle you." she said quietly.
"Yah ... it's OK." More snappy dialogue. I was beginning to come around. I stretched and looked at Jo without moving toward her.
"You want a drink or something?" I asked cleverly.
"A glass of wine would be nice." she replied. We were like two fighters in the first round. Both trying to feel the other out; sparring at arms length and circling each other. I walked to the kitchen to get her a glass of wine. Jo didn't follow. When I returned to the deck, she was sitting in one of the deck chairs near the lounge I had been in.
"So, what brings you out all the way to the 'sticks'?" I asked; instantly regretting my smart-assed remark.
Jo paused for a moment while she sipped the wine. "I was very upset at the phone call last night, Mark. I didn't get much sleep after that." she said evenly.
"Well that puts you one up on me; I didn't sleep at all. I caught a nap this afternoon and I guess it caught up to me tonight." I offered lamely.
"I couldn't believe you'd hung up on me."
"Yep. I did. I apologize for that." I said simply.
"Did you mean what you said last night?"
"Yes, Jo. I did. I admit I was angry, but I meant what I said. It's up to you to decide. I'm tired of being the only active participant in this marriage." I tried to keep a civil tone in my voice. I wasn't sure if I had succeeded.
"I think you're being very unfair." she said in an even voice. I've only just started this job. I'm just getting my feet wet and already you're quitting on me."
"You've been gone over three months, Jo. You've been home three times for a total of six days. You don't call, you don't answer your phone and you don't return our phone calls. I talked to your mother and father yesterday and they haven't seen or heard from you since the Memorial Day weekend. So which part of communications am I not being fair about?" I could feel myself getting angry again.
She fell silent for a moment.
"Tell me, Jo. Is this what you really, really wanted? Is this job really worth it? Does it give you great satisfaction?" I asked evenly. "It reminds me of those pet Gerbil cages with the wheel that they run in. They go round and round and no matter how fast they go, they get nowhere! And if they stop running, they get spit out onto the bottom of the cage. That's what your job is like. No matter how hard you work or how fast you run, it'll never be enough. They'll always want more tomorrow. It's the nature of the beast. Can't you see that?" I asked.
"I told you, I'm just getting started. I haven't had time to stop and smell the roses. It's an important job, Mark. I have big responsibilities." she finished in a pleading voice.
"Big responsibilities? Bigger than your family?" I asked in my best indignant tone.
"For now, yes. I have to rely on you to keep things together here until I can get myself organized." she stated emphatically.
"What the hell do you think I've been doing for the past three months? Who do you think pays the bills, buys the groceries, makes sure Lindsay gets her school work done, pays Pete's tuition and board? You haven't contributed a single god-damned dime to this household since the day you left. You've been lost in your selfish little world and you haven't give a minute's thought to any of us until you get pestered about it. Well, I'm through pestering." I had worked myself back into last night's anger all over again.
"I have some news for you Jo. I am not selling my business! I am not selling this home and I am sure as hell not moving to Chicago!"
"What?" she said in open mouthed surprise.
