A Cucks Journal

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[ June 16, 2014 ]

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Met a cute girl today at the coffee shop. When I was taking her order, I realized she had no idea what the sizes were called. She struggled between using the terms "venti" and "grande," using them interchangeably. I got really confused. Then it got worse and she stuttered all the way through her order.

Disregarding the initial confusion, it was really cute and funny. Most people who visit us already knew what they wanted. Once a day, I even get an order from a customer dictating what degree the coffee should be heated in.

On the other hand, she seemed like she was still figuring shit out. Watching her flush and babble like that kind of made my day. I realized a second too late that I was chuckling. The pretty girl glared at me, which made me giggle even harder. At that point, I was just trying not to keel over in laughter. It didn't help that she seemed to have a strong personality — from what I could tell, at least. The disparity between her cool alt-girl fashion and her awkward flush was really a sight.

When I handed her the cup, I obviously apologized and told her I meant no malice. How I laughed because it was genuinely funny.... and cute.

Guess what? She gave me her phone number. I've been scared the whole day to ring her, but writing this is slowly giving me the courage. So yeah, I hope it goes well. ___________________________

[ July 24, 2014 ]

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Her name is Cathy.

And things have been going pretty well. Extremely well, actually. She's sweet, kind, and really cool. Maybe a little bit too cool. She's independent and never seems to need any help. She's stubborn, argumentative, but not in a fiery way. In fact, Cathy reminds me of snow.

Some people might say she's a little distant and frigid. And I understand them.

But sometimes, there are these.... moments where the walls around her soften. And I get to see her the way she would've been if she had a normal childhood. I'm not going to talk about it in full detail, but let's just say her father was a bad person.

But yeah. We're taking it slow. Just dating casually like people my age apparently do, but I really do like her, and she wouldn't be with me if she didn't feel the same way. Maybe. I hope she does.

We're just gonna see how this goes.

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[ September 8, 2014 ]

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I'm in love with her.

Fuck

. I'm so fucking in love with her. She lights up my day, no matter how terrible. A single "What's up?" from her sends me spiraling. I can't even sleep or eat properly without thinking about her.

I don't want to scare her off. Should I take a step back?

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[ September 17, 2014 ]

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We got into a huge fight. It was all pretty intense, but it led to our first night sleeping together.

I genuinely can't imagine anything feeling better. Any adjective you can attach to the sex, it was that and much more. For the first time in the past few months, she completely opened up to me. Completely bare and flawed.

And I love her all the more for it — contrary to what she thinks.

I hope she knows that.

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[ January 3, 2015 ]

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We spent Christmas in my house. My mom and dad invited the usual — my aunts and uncles. Their kids, my cousins. All of them.

Cathy met most of my extended family. They absolutely adored her. Even Carla, one of my meanest aunts, toasted and welcomed her to the family. I could tell she was flustered when it happened.

I knew she was unfamiliar with this kind of atmosphere, so I never left her side. Without a single word, I held her hand through it all.

When the day was about to end and I was taking her back to her dorm, she squeezed my hand three times. That was our unspoken code. Each beat stood for the three words of a certain phrase.

I squeezed it back.

For New Year's Eve, we visited her place. It was supposed to be a surprise, which we quickly regretted.

Her mom was with a guy. Apparently, she was working for him.

He didn't stay. He said he only visited to give Eliza, Cathy's mom, a project he needed done right after the holidays. And that he had to go back to his wife who was waiting for him at home.

We all knew that wasn't why he was there. It was New Year's Eve. No boss visits their employee on this day without anything going on.

After saying goodbye, he shook our hands and said it was nice to meet us. Then he left.

The rest of the day was pretty awkward. The two of them stayed silent almost the entire meal. Since it was snowing, we were forced to sleep over. I could hear them arguing in the middle of the night.

The next morning, Cathy made it very clear she wanted to leave already. She looked extremely worn out, which was understandable considering the mother and daughter duo yelled at each other for hours on end. As we headed home, she still wasn't telling me anything.

So I just kept quiet, pretending I had slept through it all.

Cathy will tell me when she's ready. I trust she will.

I squeezed her hands three times. A rare smile caught on her face. She squeezed back.

We're going to be okay.

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[ May 21, 2015 ]

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I graduated college and officially moved out of my parents' house. I say officially because I lived in the school dorms for the entirety of college anyway. I was barely around the house.

But yeah, I started hunting for jobs.

Cathy graduated about a month after I did. She was a lot more successful academically. She ended the year at the top of her class. I couldn't be prouder. At a younger age than I did, too. I'm sure she'll make a great environmental lawyer, which is what she always wanted to be.

Her mom was also there. Along with a man. Different than the one we met in New Year's Eve. Suddenly, I understood why Cathy was angry at her mom her whole life.

And while I don't presume to understand how lonely Eliza was, having so many unstable relationships with men while your daughter grew up wasn't the right thing to do as a mother.

I could see it bothered Cathy to see her mom with yet another guy on her special day.

No words came to mind. So I simply held her hand, squeezing it three times. She squeezed back, but she only got up to two.

In the end, she let go. Told me in a forced smile that she couldn't be with me today because her batch had a celebration dinner planned. I reassured her it was okay. If anything, it would do her good to be away from me and her mom for now. I could tell seeing her mom's new boyfriend drove her near the edge.

Plus, tonight wasn't about me. I told her to have fun.

She kissed me on the cheek and walked up to her two best friends and a boy I frequently saw with them. I think his name's Jasper.

I nodded at him, asking him with my eyes to take good care of the girls. He nodded back with a smile, and the four people headed out.

I waved my hand at her, but she didn't notice.

From afar, I could see her eyes start to disassociate from everything — besides fun.

I know she'll find it with them. She graduated. That was a big milestone.

Part of me was lonely, but I forced myself not to be. She's got friends who shared the school experience. Obviously, she'd want to spend it more with them.

After explaining to her mom that Cathy had to take off, I headed home to my apartment and tried to take my mind off her. Hours later, I was barely succeeding. That's when I heard my doorbell ring.

I could hear the pit pats of water droplets as I wondered what crazy person was outside during this heavy rainfall

It was Cathy, still wearing her graduation robes — all disheveled and wet, asking me if I wanted to live together.

I said yes.

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[ August 21, 2015 ]

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Ever since Cathy moved in, we have been inseparable. We had sex almost every night. She was insatiable, and I tried to keep up with her appetite.

We experimented a lot with dildos, wands, and other toys. Frequently changed positions too, which seemed pretty easy for her. It made me feel somewhat insecure that I was less of a natural compared to her.

It just seemed like she was experienced with everything. When I asked her why that was, she told me she used to play with them a lot when she was still a teenager. I could see she was trying to comfort me, which I appreciated.

So I never dwelled on it again. There wasn't any point to it. Especially when I have this beautiful girlfriend who craved sex with me almost 24/7.

Over the days, the apartment slowly became filled with our stuff. The first thing we bought together was this beautiful coffee table. We got our pictures printed out and put stickers behind them so they would stick.

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[ October 29, 2015 ]

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Cathy asked me to hit her during sex. It caught me completely off guard. It was so out of the blue that it took me a while to understand.

When it clicked in my mind, I immediately stopped our lovemaking and hugged her. I told her repeatedly that I wasn't going to do that. No matter how much it might make her feel good.

Simply because it shouldn't.

She bawled in my shoulders. I whispered that she had nothing to be ashamed about.

That night, we cuddled to sleep.

The next morning, she was gone. Fear took ahold of me.

Did I fail? Did I say the wrong thing?

My thoughts only went silent when I saw her with the cup of coffee she brought for me. She thanked me.

I knew then that I made the right choice.

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[ September 27, 2016 ]

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I haven't written in a while. But for good reason — Cathy and I got engaged.

The past year has been nothing short of my dreams. I landed an amazing job at this great company. Meanwhile, Cathy has been modeling here and there for some friends.

I asked her about it. Considering law has always been her dream, she should be studying for the bar.

But Cathy said she's been enjoying it more than she thought she would — and that law seemed like a poor fit for her right now at this stage of her life. She said she'll stick to modeling for now and review again after a few years.

If she had no qualms about it, I obviously had none too.

I have no doubt that she has a future in the industry either. Cathy started working out. Her curves, which were always there, looked even finer these days. It seemed like every inch of her was beautifully crafted and molded into the perfect ideal body of a woman. It's been a problem in bed too — she's too sexy, and she knows it.

I see the girl in the cover, dressed in clothes concealing her ample skin, while she straddled on top of me completely naked — and I always think to myself, "Is this real? Is she fucking real?"

And the answer was always yes.

It was kind of weird to see her in more feminine clothes, though. She's always either went goth or kind of tomboy-ish. But lately, she's been emanating a lot more womanly charm, even wearing a sensual dress or two whenever we go out to eat.

But hey, people change. I'm not the same person I was when we were in college either.

I'm just grateful I could change alongside Cathy. Maybe even be the biggest catalyst to her transformation. I am her fiancé after all.

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[ April 14, 2016 ]

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We married each other today. Cathy looked stunning in white. We lit off unity candles, proclaimed our vows. Our families were there. So were her two best friends from college, and Jasper, who she worked with for the magazine.

He was also the designated main photographer for our wedding. The rising modeling star was getting married. It was a big scoop for their magazine so they sent him to take a few pictures.

Even with all the flashy lights and the sparkly decoration, my eyes were glued to Cathy the entire day. I couldn't talk to her because of the busy schedule, though. I thought for sure I could spend more time with her alone after the ceremony is done.

That proved to be difficult when the reception came and she was missing for the first hour. I cursed wedding traditions. We had to separate because an outfit change was in order. Why couldn't we just wear the same exact thing?

I ended up calling her after another half hour. Apparently, her dress snapped and she had to fix it as it was too late to get another one.

I wanted to know where she was so I could help, but she told me not to bother. She just asked me to entertain the guests for now.

There were already too many people helping her anyway. Her coordinators as well as the magazine staff were currently taking it off her and whatnot.

Judging from the occasional gasps and heavy breaths I heard over the phone, she seemed exhausted, if not downright crying. I asked her if she was okay. Like a dam bursting, she sobbed on the phone. I couldn't understand most of her words through the gibberish groaning, but I assumed it was because of her dress.

I talked her through it — reassured her that everything is going to be okay and this wasn't a huge thing she had to panic about. Slowly, she calmed down. Her breathing evened out and grew more stable. After a few minutes of panting, I hear her croak out an "I love you" over the phone before hanging up.

A few minutes later, she came out in this beautiful green dress. They must've fixed it.

And though Cathy looked exhausted, her eyes slightly puffy from crying, she was beaming with light. As if a weight had been lifted off her shoulders, she looked visibly lighter and happy.

We danced to our first song as a married couple, "The Way You Looked Tonight."

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[ March 13, 2018 ]

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I haven't been feeling the urge to write here. I guess that's a testament to how happy I am. We weren't perfect, but we tried every day.

Yeah. We'll get through this.

We're going to be okay.

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[ April 2, 2018 ]

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In the time it takes to snap a finger, we were about to celebrate our second anniversary. I love her more and more with each growing day. Cathy has never looked or been better. Still couldn't believe she was mine and I was hers now. By law, spirit, and soul.

Cathy was a beautiful woman. I always felt a little insecure that she picked me. Don't get me wrong, I don't necessarily look bad.

But I definitely couldn't have landed a gal like her if I had a million years. That feeling had only grown stronger since her career took off.

Being with her makes you forget all about that, though. Her smile had that effect on me. Like everything would be fine in the world because she was here with me.

Makes me realize how lucky I am to have Cathy.

How lucky we both were in finding each other.

What we have is amazing. Our connection felt almost spiritual, filled with the purest of emotions. Of course, I made sure to get nasty once in a while too.

But Cathy's gradually leaned off sex these past couple months. Not that I minded too much.

Sure, I do get horny from time to time, but I was satisfied just spending time with her — Cathy and I could talk for hours.

I also started working from home this past month. As a result, I felt her absence a lot more than I did before.

It didn't help that my work tended to be stationary for the most part.

On the other hand, her schedule was erratic. There are days where she doesn't come home. Adding to that, her fame only grew and grew. Next thing you know, she's scheduled for photo shoots in different countries from all around the world. Last week, she went to the Maldives for a scantily clad bikini shoot with Jasper.

I told her I was a little uncomfortable with it, but she reassured me it wasn't going to happen again anytime soon. She said she only accepted in the first place because the photo was for the front cover of Sports Illustrated. It was way too big of an opportunity to pass down.

I knew how important this was to her so I gave her my support.

She came home yesterday, tired out of her mind.

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[ April 12, 2018 ]

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Cathy was distant. Distracted. Lately, I feel as if we were back in those days where she had episodes and would distance herself from everything.

I try to bring up topics I know she'll be interested in, but she quickly brushes them off.

The more I try, the more irritable it seems to make her.

Yesterday, I finally snapped.

We had an argument because she had another upcoming photoshoot in Rome. She's supposed to leave tomorrow.

I know that this is a critical time for her career and I should support her, but we barely spent enough time together these months. Now she's missing out on our second anniversary?

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[ April 13, 2018 ]

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I was just about to sleep. Just wanted to write down that we made up before she left. Cathy promised to make it up to me when she gets back from the photoshoot.

I'll hold her to it.

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[ April 14, 2018 ]

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She called me in the morning — it was something we both promised each other before she left.

Whoever woke up first would call.

I could only see her flushed face. For some reason, the whole screen was terribly lagging. I couldn't see much of anything. The camera was unusually wobbly too. Cathy explained that it was because of the bumpy road.

Apparently, they were headed to a secluded hotel to start early.

But I still felt like something was off. Cautiously, I asked her where Jasper was. She told me he was back in the hotel, handling their accommodations.

She slightly shifted the phone camera to her side and showed me Bella, her model coworker. I could only see her face as well, but I immediately felt relieved. She was right beside another woman.

It may really just be work.

Plus, I could tell Bella was sweating too. It might really just be an exhausting ride. God knows how tiring it must be to constantly commute to different places.

I'm being completely paranoid.

Shortly after that, Cathy asked me why I was looking for Jasper. I lied and told her I had something to tell him.

"Well, happy anniversary, love," she greeted in the sweetest, most feminine voice I've ever heard come out of her mouth.

I greeted her back, happy with her effort to call me amidst busy work.

When they finally arrived, Cathy bit her lips, blew me a kiss, and said goodbye by visibly squeezing her hands in a fist three times.

I told her I loved her too before she hung up.

Despite being miles apart, I actually felt closer to Cathy — more than ever. These past few months were rough, but we'll get through this. Like always.

We're going to be okay.

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[ April 16, 2018 ]

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I was on the supermarket today when I encountered one of my wife's best friends. We haven't talked since the wedding, but she had a lot to say.

I thanked her for being there when Cathy was panicking over her dress, to which she responded with confusion.

She asked me what I was talking about, and I told her about the dress snapping.