You Can't Ignore Love

It was the middle of the semester and since I didn't have very much work due, I decided to take a night off and go to a show that included a few of the singing groups on campus. I was meeting my friend Jessica there, but she always ran late, so I had to wait in the lounge for a while for her. I was pretty bored sitting by myself, and just watched people walking in and out of the lounge and into the auditorium. I didn't really give anyone a second look, I was just people-watching in general. Until this one girl walked in. She grabbed my attention as soon as she walked by. She was beautiful – long, dark brown hair, maybe around 5'6 with the heels she had on, and gorgeous brown skin. I couldn't tell what she was, I thought either Hispanic or maybe middle eastern. But she didn't really look quite like either. She was wearing a little pink shirt with a track jacket over it and jeans with a loose, silver belt around them.

It was an especially nice accessory when she walked by. I looked up at her as she got right in front of me, and she kind of smiled a "hi" at me. I smiled back and then looked back down immediately. I was more than a little bit shy. Once Jessica got there, we went inside and found some seats. After the show had started, I just happened to look across the aisle and the beautiful girl from earlier was sitting right across from us. I stole glances of her through out the show until she left at intermission. When the lights went back down she hadn't come back, so I figured that she had left and I was upset with myself for letting her get away without saying something to her. The hosts came back out and introduced the Native American singing group onto the stage. And there she was. She went to the middle microphone and introduced the other girls singing with her, and then she said her name was Natalie. She had the cutest country accent ever.

"Yea Natalie!" Jessica yelled.

"You know her?" I asked.

"Yeah, she was in one of my music classes. She's so sweet and really pretty too."

"Oh really?" I asked, as if I hadn't noticed Natalie's beauty. None of my friends knew that I liked girls too.

Natalie sang acapella with the other girls, the song was so incredible. It was an original song they wrote about their heritage and being Native American women. Natalie had an amazing voice too. I stared at her through their whole performance and could have sworn she was looking right back at me. But with the lights shining right at them, they probably couldn't see the audience at all. They did three songs and then returned to their seats a few minutes later. Once the show was over Jessica had to go to the library to pull an all-nighter, so I was going to walk back to my room alone. As I was leaving I saw Natalie standing in the lounge by herself. I got up the nerve to go and talk to her.

"Hi," I said.

"Hi," she smiled back.

"Um, I just wanted to tell you, I thought you guys were great, and you sing really good, and um," I laughed nervously, "yeah." So unsmooth.

"Aww, thank you so much. That's so sweet." The cutest country accent ever.

"Well," I said after a fairly awkward pause, "it was nice meeting you. Have a good night." I turned to walk away when she her voice stopped me.

"Hey," I turned back around to face her, "you didn't even tell me your name."

"Oh yeah," I laughed, "I'm sorry. My name's Jenny," I extended my hand to shake hers.

"I'm Natalie," she shook my hand, "nice to meet you."

"You too."

"Um, I'm about to go get some ice cream, if you want to join me?" She asked.

"Oh, um, sure."

"Okay," she smiled back at me.

We made the walk up to the ice cream shop and got a table overlooking the street. We sat there and talked for what felt like forever. But I loved every minute of it.

"What's your major?" Natalie asked me.

"Biology. I'm doing pre-med. Well, I'm trying to do pre-med."

Natalie laughed, "You'll be fine."

"I hope so. What's your major?"

"Music. Concentration on vocal."

"I should have guessed. You're an amazing singer."

"Aww, I'm ok," she blushed. After a moment she asked, "So, are you single? Boyfriend?" She paused, "Girlfriend?"

I laughed loudly and very nervously. "No, nothing. Single."

"Really?" She leaned in over the table.

"Yeah," I laughed again.

"Interesting."

"Are you," I paused, trying to figure out which question I wanted to ask, "single?"

"Yep, unfortunately."

"Why is that unfortunate?"

"I don't know, just kind of sick of being alone and not really having anyone to talk to."

"I understand completely. I feel like that a majority of the time."

She looked at me for a moment, then asked, "So, are you," she paused, "are you straight?"

I looked back at her in shock for a long time. No one knew I liked girls at all, but I did she think she was beautiful. So I could either tell someone my biggest secret, or just say I was straight and possibly miss an opportunity with this beautiful girl.

"I'm um, I – I'm straight."

She smiled at me and asked, "Are you sure about that?"

"Yes?"

She laughed, "I'm not trying to pry, but you just didn't sound too sure about it."

"No, it's okay." After a moment I said, "I actually have been," I sighed, "attracted to a few girls lately."

"Really?" She asked.

"Yeah," I said as I looked down.

My hand was on the table and she lightly grazed it with her hand. "I wouldn't happen to be one of these girls, would I?"

I was speechless. "Maybe," I said in a near-whisper.

She laughed, "You can't just leave me with a maybe."

I was getting really nervous, so I pulled my hand away from hers. "I'm sorry."

"No, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have – I'm sorry."

"No, it wasn't that at all. I've just never done anything with a girl at all. Including holding hands," I laughed.

"You've never kissed a girl?"

"No," I said looking down.

"Hey, that's nothing to be embarrassed about. Everything happens when it's supposed to."

I smiled at her, "Thanks."

Natalie looked down at her watch, "Oh, it's after midnight."

"Are you serious?" I asked.

"Yeah, I have no idea where the time went."

"Yeah, me neither."

"I guess we should go then. Are you ready?"

"Yeah."

We got up and began walking back to our dorms. It turned out that she lived in the one right across from me. We got to my dorm first and stood there awkwardly for a moment.

"Well, this is me." I said.

"Yeah. It was really nice meeting you tonight, and hanging out with you."

I smiled, "Yeah, you too."

We stood there for another moment.

"I better go in and finish up my homework." I said.

"Yeah, me too. I have to go finish a paper."

"Well, have a good night."

"You too."

I started walking up to the door, but stopped when Natalie said something.

"Hey Jenny."

I turned around and walked back towards her, "Yeah."

She stared at me for a minute, then walked up to me and kissed me lightly on the lips. When I opened my eyes again, she was staring back at me smiling.

"Now you've done something with a girl." She said. I smiled and looked at the ground. "Bye Jenny."

"Bye." I said, still in shock.

Over the next few weeks we hung out almost everyday. Natalie had her own room, so that made it pretty convenient. I had spent a few nights in her room, just sleeping though. Holding her in my arms, watching her sleep, and waking up in the morning looking into her eyes. We hadn't gone further than kissing. It wasn't that I didn't want her because trust me, I did, but I was so nervous about sharing something like that with another girl. Especially one that I had fallen so in love with. One night we were in her room watching a movie, well ignoring the movie, and had started making out. Eventually Natalie pushed me on my back and got on top of me. She started kissing my earlobe and neck, and her hands made their way to my belt buckle. She unhooked my belt and unfastened my pants.

"Whoa! Baby," I sat up and scooted back a little from her.

"What's wrong?" She asked.

"Um, you were taking off my pants."

"Wow, nothing gets by you Jen," she said sarcastically.

"No, it's not that, I just – I mean, you know I haven't – before."

"You're kidding!" She said sarcastically, once again.

"Natalie, please. I'm being serious here."

She sighed and laid down beside me with her arm over my arm. "I know babe, I'm sorry."

"It's okay."

"Just so you know though, it would be good."

"What would?" I asked.

She giggled for a second, then looked seriously into my eyes. "Us making love."

"Natalie, I really want to be with you, but I'm just really nervous, that's all."

"There's never a reason for you to be nervous with me."

"I know, and I feel really comfortable with you-"

"Then why are you nervous?" She interrupted.

"Because," I paused. "Because I don't want to be bad for you."

She laughed, "Bad for me?"

"Yeah, you know."

"No, I don't know. Jenny, do you trust me?"

"Yes."

"Do you love me?"

I didn't say anything. We hadn't said 'I love you' to each other yet.

"I love you Jen."

"You do?"

"Of course I do."

I put my hand on her face and smiled. "Oh Natalie, I love you so much. But I thought it might be too early to say it."

"That's your problem, you think too much." We both laughed. "Just don't think anymore tonight. We love each other and we trust each other. We're – consenting adults," she laughed. "There's nothing to worry about baby." She kissed me. "Just let me show you, okay?"

"Okay," I whispered back.

Natalie got on top of me and kissed me passionately. She pulled my shirt off, then began kissing her way down. It felt so amazing, but I was paralyzed in fear. When she got down to my nipples and kissed them through the thin fabric of my bra, my breath caught in my throat. I arched my back for her and she reached around to unfasten my bra. She took it off and went back to my breasts. She kissed and licked all over them, avoiding my nipples. She licked circles around the bases of my nipples and it drove me insane. She began sucking my nipples and it took me over the edge. She was laying in between my legs and I began trying to rub myself against her. She held my legs down and looked up at me with a smile.

"You impatient girl."

She scooted back down and kissed her way down my stomach. She sat up and pulled my pants and panties down. She rubbed my thighs and looked over my body for a moment.

"I guess this isn't really fair, is it?"

I didn't really understand what she meant, but she stood up and stripped her clothes off. The view was far more amazing than I ever could have dreamed. She didn't have huge breasts or anything like that, but everything was so right on her. A perfect body. She went back between my legs and kissed up between my knees and thighs. I began involuntarily bucking towards her, my clit needed to be touched so bad. I was so close to putting my own hand down there when I felt her tongue lick my outer lips.

"Ohh," I let a moan slip out.

She continued licking my lips and pushed my legs apart. She dove her tongue as far as it could go into my pussy and pushed it in and out. It felt amazing.

"Natalie," I moaned as I put my hands in her hair.

She removed her tongue from my pussy and began flicking it at my clit. I nearly screamed from the contact. She would flick slowly, then faster, then slow again, then fast, then repeat the cycle all over again. I was getting so close to orgasm and she could tell, so she started sucking my clit into her mouth as hard as she could.

I screamed out "Natalie! Oh my – oh fuck, baby!" as I came.

Tears rolled down my face as my first orgasm hit. Natalie kept tongue fucking me until I could take no more. She came up and laid beside me rubbing me all over as I came down. She rubbed my face and felt the wetness.

"Baby, you're crying?"

"No. Well I don't think so. It just felt so incredible."

She laughed, "I told you it would be good."

I laughed and we met for another kiss. I could taste myself on lips, on her tongue. It was kind of weird, I had never experienced that before, but I liked it. We stared at each other for a while, just enjoying being there with each other.

"I guess it's my turn now."

Natalie rubbed my back and scooted closer, "Only if you want to babe. You don't have to do anything."

I smiled and said, "It's okay. I really want to."

We kissed again and I rolled Natalie onto her back. Instead of being sensual and slowly kissing down her body, I went straight for her pussy. It can be excused because it was my first shot at this. I tried to mimic what she had just done. I licked her lips up and down, then pushed my tongue into her pussy and tasted her for the first time. She was so sweet. Natalie started moaning and saying my name under her breath. I kissed and licked her clit until she started panting, then I knew how close she was. I sucked her clit until she came. I tried to lick up as much of what came out as I could. I spread her juices over her clit with my tongue and continued working on it to make her orgasm again. She came three more times before she asked me to stop. I laid beside her and kissed the side of her body, neck and face until she recovered. She put her hand on face and smiled at me.

"Thank you," she said.

I laughed, "I just tried to copy what you did, I had no idea what I was doing."

"Not that, well thank you for that too," she laughed, "but thank you for letting me share this with you."

I kissed her and said, "Thank you for being my first."

She smiled, "I love you so much Jenny."

"I love you too."

We fell asleep in each other's arms and skipped class the next day just to stay in bed all day and be with each other.

Everything was so perfect. I had never been happier. Natalie was everything I had ever wanted and I did everything I could to please her, especially when school got out for summer. She lived nearly two hours away from me so I wasn't able to see her as much as I would have liked to. I would randomly send her flowers, just to let her know I was thinking about her. We talked on the phone every night, and whenever I could get away from work I would drive up to surprise her. When school started back I was so excited just because I could be with her again. Everything was perfect, just like the way we had left it. There was one thing though, I still hadn't told anyone about us yet. All of my friends thought I was single and would have never guessed the person I was seeing was a girl. I think all of the secrecy had started to get to Natalie, but for the most part she never mentioned it. Until one night.

We were walking through the campus together around sunset after we had eaten dinner, my hands were in my pockets and her arm was linked with mine. We were just talking and girls link arms all the time, so I wasn't really worried that it would look 'weird' or anything like that. Until I saw Jessica, my friend who I went to Natalie's show with. When I saw her walking towards us I immediately took my arm away from Natalie's and kind of scooted away from her.

"Hey guys," Jessica said.

"Hey," we both said.

"Where are you headed to?"

"Um," I hesitated.

"We were going to my room," Natalie said. I looked at her shocked, I was so worried she would out me.

"Oh really? I'm upset I didn't get an invite," Jessica joked back.

I laughed nervously and said, "Nothing like that, we just have to study and do some work and stuff."

"Oh okay. Well I better run, I'm meeting my study group in 5 minutes," Jessica said.

"Ok, I'll see you later."

"Ok, bye guys."

Jessica started walking in the opposite direction and by the time I turned around Natalie was walking away from me too. I ran to catch up with her.

"Hey, where are you running off to?" I laughed.

She didn't say anything and just kept walking.

"Nat, what's wrong?"

"Aren't you walking too close to me? I wouldn't want anyone to actually find out that we knew each other."

"What are you talking about?"

"We'll talk once we get to my room. I wouldn't want you to be embarrassed in public by talking to me," she snapped back.

I didn't understand what she was talking about, but I just walked with her to her room in silence. Once we got to her room, I walked in first, then she closed the door behind us and locked it. I was standing behind her and she just walked by me and threw her purse down. She went over to her computer and started looking at it. I just stared at her, waiting for an explanation of what that outburst was.

"Um?" I said. She looked at me then sighed loudly. I was still waiting for an explanation, so I asked her, "What's going on?"

"I'm just kind of hurting right now Jen."

"You're hurting?"

She sighed again, "Yeah."

"You have to forgive me, but I had no idea what you're talking about. I mean, are you hurting physically? Emotionally? Am I hurting you in some way-"

"Yes," she interrupted, "it's you."

It broke my heart to hear her say that, "It's me?"

"Yeah."

"What-," I couldn't even pose a coherent question, "What did I do wrong? I never tried to hurt you, I didn't think I did. I mean, you never said anything if I did."

"You didn't do anything wrong, I just – I can't take being your dirty little secret."

"But when you met me you knew I wasn't ready to tell people and you said you were okay with that."

"I was, but geez Jen, I didn't think it would take this long."

"So what are you saying? Are you dumping me?"

"No, I'm not dumping you. I just want you to not push me away when we're walking together and we see someone you know. I want you to not ignore me when you see me on campus-"

"I've never ignored you!" I interrupted.

"No, but you very quickly wave your hand at me beside your waist. You might as well ignore me completely."

"Well damn it Natalie, what am I supposed to do?"

"I want you to at least be friends with me in public! I want you to not be ashamed of me!"

"You know that I'm not ashamed of you."

"Why does no one know about us then?"

"I already told you I'm not telling anyone."

"So you are ashamed of me."

"No! Natalie, I'm not ashamed of you-"

"But you are ashamed of us? And what we're doing?" I didn't say anything, because I guess I kind of was. "You don't have to say anything Jen, your silence answered it all." She sat back down at her computer and turned her attention back to it.

"Shit Natalie! What the hell do you want me to do!?"

"I want you to fucking hold my hand in public!" She yelled back. "Is that clear enough for you!?"

I was so enraged I just walked out of her room. As soon as I got outside I realized it wasn't rage, it was sadness and regret. Sadness because I had hurt Natalie, just as much as she had just hurt me. And regret because I felt like I had screwed up the most perfect thing I ever had. I started crying uncontrollably walking back to my room. Why was I such a moron? I didn't talk to Natalie over the next few weeks and when I would see her on campus I looked down or did anything I could to avoid making eye contact with her. I missed her so much though. My heart literally hurt when I thought about her, and I thought about her often. But she was asking me to do something that I couldn't do, right? My friends might look at me differently if I told them. They might think I want to date them if they knew, even though I definitely don't. But then again, if they're really my friends, they wouldn't care, right? I was so torn. Should I do what Natalie wants me to do and possibly lose my friends? Or should I not tell anyone and lose the best thing that's ever happened to me?

I was leaving my calculus class one day and I saw Natalie walking towards me. She knew I was standing there so she did her best to look away. We were going in opposite directions so I did the same and just continued walking by her. I had walked a few paces when something just made me stop. I turned around and watched her walk farther and farther away from me. Something inside made me feel like this was permanent, if I didn't stop her now she really would be walking out of my life forever. I started walking towards her, then running until I caught up with her. I desperately snatched her arm and spun her around to face me. I grabbed her face and kissed her. In the middle of campus and in front of everyone. I stopped kissing her and took both of her hands in mine.