STEPPING OUT
After a wild one night stand with Carina, Toni is beginning to reconsider her sexual orientation. In this final chapter she goes back to Carina's apartment after work to discuss their future relationship as sexual desires rise to the surface yet again.
Toni had been writing for years, short stories for the most part but the novel she was writing had been redrafted several times because the characters didn't seem to want to play along. Sometimes she felt as if she was merely trotting along behind them recording their conversations and actions for posterity. It was somewhat disconcerting to have a word limit of a few hundred thousand instead of a few thousand and there were times she found herself putting the novel aside just to pen a short story to feel as if she was more in control.
That evening Toni felt very much like one of her characters, knowing the path she intended to take and yet considering other options along the way. Sex with a woman had opened up her world in a whole new way. She'd found it frightening and a little daunting at first but then she'd found her rhythm and ultimately it felt more natural than doing it with a guy. A woman's body was familiar to her, she knew the moves and yet the fact that Carina was also her friend troubled her. What if this killed a friendship? In that way women were no different to guys. You started off friends, became lovers and if you broke up then you lost not only a lover but a friend.
Toni let her eyes play over the restaurant. Customers ate and talked, drank and laughed just as they had the previous night and indeed every other night but it was different now. Her lover was working the other side of the room and every now and then she'd steal a glance in her direction and wonder if this could be maintained. It was one of her golden rules, don't date co-workers and she'd just broken it big time, oh and there was that other rule that she didn't date women. However that last one was more a suggestion than a rule.
She'd spent the morning in a class trying to focus on rewriting one of the passages her teacher had supplied and as luck would have it she chose a paragraph describing the feelings a man had for a woman. Her teacher had jokingly remarked that the women who chose that piece could change the gender to suit themselves. Toni had kept the gender and rewritten it to describe Carina in flowing prose that she had always considered silly. Secretly she was mocking the piece, trying to turn it into satire but her teacher had thought otherwise when Toni read out her paragraph.
"That's amazing," he beamed, "you've really made that come alive in a new way, I feel almost jealous that I haven't met this woman yet."
Toni blushed and not because of the praise, it literally was the way she felt about Carina at that point in time, drawn into her world with no thought for the consequences, hoping for the best and yet fearing the worst, unable to believe her luck.
She left college right after class with every intention of going home but instead ended up dawdling her way along a strip mall, she bought some food in one store and then found herself in a thrift store she'd been in only once before. She tried on some clothes and eventually bought a couple of tops and two bracelets, but some of the other clothes she'd looked at would have suited Carina and she almost bought a patterned shirt before changing her mind. Toni exited the store with her purchases and a sense that things were spiralling out of control.
Carina's text took her by surprise and after a brief exchange she felt as if a weight had been lifted from her shoulders. Carina still liked her and she almost went back to buy the shirt before changing her mind and going home.
It was sitting at home that really brought it all back though. It was here on the unmade sofa bed that she'd spread her legs for a woman and Toni laid down on the sofa bed with her nose about where Carina's head had been. She could still smell a hint of her perfume and not long afterwards she drifted into a light sleep punctuated by sudden starts whenever a car went past. Eventually she got up and folded the sofa bed up and went through to try and do some writing.
However that was not meant to be. It seemed that all her inspiration had dried up, a familiar feeling and one she'd overcome many times in the past but today she felt no great desire to do any of the things to break through. She was still reliving the previous night, going over the things they'd said and done to each other and with each passing moment Toni felt a mixture of happiness, fear, and longing. Could this be maintained? How would it be in three months time when Carina left for Scotland? Would Carina change her plans or would it be Toni who did all the changing?
"Enough," she told herself, "you're thinking too far in the future, you fucked once. It might not happen again."
And yet despite that very sage advice, Toni took more care with her routine when getting ready for work. Shower, manicure, hair and then her outfit. She dallied over her underwear drawer before opting for a sexy black thong and matching black bra, just wearing the thong felt like an invitation and she chose the newer of her white blouses, even though the one she'd worn last night could still be worn tonight. She almost wore the same trousers until she decided on a whim to wear the mid length black skirt. Toni rarely wore skirts to work and now that she was wearing one it was back to the underwear drawer to find pantyhose, of which she had precious little choice, black or white and the black pair had a run in the ass. But Carina would be the only person to see that she mused as she knotted the tie and pushed it upwards.
"You look good enough to fuck," Toni told herself as she took a selfie and sent it to Carina.
Carina: You look hot xxx
Toni stared at the selfie Carina had sent and felt a shiver run down her spine.
Toni: So do you, babe xxx
And yet despite that promising exchange there was no greeting kiss when she arrived at work but then again this was different she realised a split second later. Carina's smile seemed warmer and perhaps suggestive but she wasn't going to out her at work.
"Catch ya in the break," Carina nodded at the counter, "you're working the other side of the room."
"Right," Toni switched into the old familiar role of supervisor and subordinate, conscious that other women might have observed the greeting. Would they know or guess anything? Or was she just being paranoid?
It seemed the latter was the case when they both stepped out for a quick break. Carina drew her a little further away from the door and positioned herself so that she could see anyone coming out before Toni.
"We never talked about this last night," Carina began, "I'm not about to out you."
"Good," she exhaled slowly, "I mean not that it's a bad thing," she looked past her, "I should but right now I'm confused."
"I guessed that," Carina nodded, "it's okay to doubt and even change your mind. You're still my friend and it might disappoint me but I could get over it."
Toni didn't register anything for a few seconds and then she glanced quickly over her shoulder and took one step closer and turned back to her. Both women stared at each other and then Toni leaned forward and kissed her lightly and gently.
"Thank you, I haven't made up my mind yet but you just scored a brownie point."
Carina smiled and kissed her, this kiss lasted a few seconds later but there was suggestiveness in the lingering kiss before she pulled back.
"So, what are you doing tonight? Fancy some company or are you going to write another chapter of your book?"
"Um, yeah," Toni replied, "I mean yeah, we should go back, perhaps to your place?"
"My place?" Carina smirked, "you sure you're ready for my place?"
"Why? How many women have you got stashed there?"
"None last time I looked, I tend to use the apartment for sleeping and eating, playtime is always in someone else's apartment."
"So, I might be the first?"
"You might very well be," Carina replied, "and let's be honest we do need to talk about what comes next in this story."
It was a potent reminder that at some point Toni would have to make a decision and as they made their way back inside a few minutes later she resolved to keep her mind open. Life just happens her mother had told her once, in spite of yourself. The rest of their shift was uneventful apart from one customer who complained that the dessert was not to her liking and she told Carina in words that had Toni wishing she was able to empty the plate over her lap.
