Thank you Terry, careythomas and snow for all your help in editing and improving this chapter. I couldn't have done it without you.
Like almost all of my series, this one will only be understood if you have read the chapters before it. Thank you to my readers for going along this journey with me.
Chapter 13
Despite the bright and sunny morning, neither Rikki nor Liz could dismiss their dark moods. Driving on her way to meet with the lawyers, she wasn't looking forward to seeing Samuel. Since kicking him out, she had only talked with him a couple of times. The more time passed, the more her feeling of contempt for him grew. Just being free of him made things better, although the feeling of failure remained.
"Now I have to sit in a room with him and hear him try to justify himself," she thought. "God, why didn't I see who he was sooner?" She gripped the steering wheel tightly, while lifting her foot up a bit on the gas pedal. She always sped a little too much when she was angry.
Despite the depression that Liz felt since seeing Rikki with Yamile, she was still there to support her best friend. Part of her didn't know what else to do.
"As much as I want to say something, I don't know how to. Plus, she has so much shit to deal with right now! I don't want to add to it," she thought, looking out the window. Beyond that, she wasn't sure exactly what happened. Well, she thought she knew what happened, but not why. "Yamile's in a lot of pain too. Maybe it just was the two of them comforting each other when they needed it. It might not mean anything."
As much as she told herself that, it didn't seem to help. Seeing them like that crushed the vague hopes she had of getting together with Rikki since the breakup. Still, her coming along today was an attempt to keep those hopes alive. "I'll be here for her. It's all I can do, but she'll see I can take care of her."
After Rikki pulled into a parking space, she looked at Liz. "Liz, thanks for coming. Remember to kick me if I start getting too pissed off, okay?"
"You got it," she replied as they both got out of the car. In the lobby, they met Rikki's lawyer, and went up to where Samuel and his lawyer were waiting.
As they were ushered in, Rikki noticed that he was wearing a shirt and tie she gave him. It was always her favorite and she admitted he looked handsome in it. However, the old effect wasn't there anymore. Today it just pissed her off. "Does he think he can manipulate me?" was her angry thought. Her face remained expressionless.
"Before we get started, my client wants you to know that he does not want to proceed with the divorce. He hopes that you'll consider counseling and reconciliation," Samuel's lawyer said. He looked towards him.
"Marika, I admit I've screwed up. I disrespected you and our marriage. I did things that I shouldn't have, but does this have to be the end? I can change," he said. "I will change, I promise you. Think about our family. Kieran deserves both of us there raising him." He started to reach across for her hands, hesitated, and then pulled back. "Babe, I love you. Marika, can't you give me another chance?" he asked.
If he hoped for a softening of her heart, Samuel was disappointed. If anything, her face became colder.
"Samuel," she began, making his name sound more like a curse, "What I saw, I can't unsee! I did everything to make a good marriage and be a good wife. You threw that away. I could never trust you again, not in a thousand years. You don't love me. You don't know what love is, you ba...." She stopped, cutting herself off. After taking a deep breath, she continued. "No, there is no way. I want out and I want out as soon as possible."
When she finished, she felt herself shaking from the emotion. Liz reached out to take her hand, and she clutched at it, giving her a weak smile. The anger at Samuel flared so high that it almost frightened her. "Maybe some counseling would do me some good," she thought. "I don't want to have this much anger around Kieran."
"In that case, perhaps we should start," Samuel's lawyer said. Reaching into a folder, he pulled out a sheet and slid it forward. "This is our suggestion for a division of property.
Rikki couldn't help the little scoffing noise she made. The insincerity of Samuel's plea was clear. This was about money. It almost always was with him. Divorce would cost him money, and now that it was inevitable, he was ready to start haggling. It was what made him good at his job and he'd use it now.
"Fat lot of good it will do him," she thought. It might be a no-fault, community property state, but that didn't mean they couldn't contest things, especially about his fitness as a father. Her lawyer had all the information gathered by the private investigator. While the sex and drugs in the alleyway might be the most relevant, she was pretty sure that Samuel really didn't want the information about his affair with the woman from his customer revealed. That was the type of thing that could get him fired.
She almost chuckled at the thought of what the owner of his company would do if she found out. Rikki met her several times at company dinners. Isabel, as she insisted Rikki call her, had a reputation as being a bit of a hard-nose, although she no longer was directly managing the company. Truly serious things, like sleeping with a customer to get business, still were bumped up to her. "She'd probably spread the word and he'd have a hard time finding another job. Not that I want that," she thought. "I just want something fair." She looked at Samuel. He had his pouty face on, the one he always wore when he didn't get his way on something. It ruined the impression he had tried to make.
She squeezed Liz's hand. "Thank god I have her as a friend," she thought. "She's always there for me." A part of her wondered why Liz couldn't be as good a friend to the women who shared her bed. "She holds back, never committing. I wonder if she ever could." The thought triggered another. "Maybe I should talk to her about what happened with Yamile. She'd understand at least." But then she slightly shook her head to herself. "She'd just tease me, after all the years of me talking about my complete disinterest in women." It wasn't worth it. "Besides, I don't know if it meant anything. I haven't even talked to Yamile about it. Maybe after that," she told herself.
Her lawyer looked at her. They had already planned it out. "Marika, why don't you and Liz take off and I'll go over our proposal. I'm sure we can come to an agreement. I'll text you when we are done," she said. Opening up her briefcase, she pulled out a thick folder. As Rikki shut the door, she heard her lawyer speak with a slight note of triumph. "Perhaps your client hasn't acquainted you with the entire situation. Shall we?"
Letting go of a breath she didn't know she was holding, Rikki looked at Liz. The predatory look on her face made it clear that she was enjoying the idea of what Samuel was about to go through. "Not me," she thought. "It's just something that has to be done in order to be free."
They went downstairs and outside, heading towards a little restaurant they both liked. It was still early enough that the hostess seated them immediately. "Let's not talk about it, okay?" she told Liz. "And I'm tired of talking about me. Let's talk about you for a change."
Liz groaned. "Oh no, let's not. We can talk rafting," she said.
Shaking her head, Rikki took her hand. "No, what's up with you? Sunday, you were in a crappy mood all day. You bit off my head. You yelled at Bohdi. Bohdi, for God's sake! Something was bugging you."
Liz looked at her, debating whether to be honest. She wanted to, but honestly wasn't her strength. "Maybe a little honesty," she thought, as she squeezed Rikki's hand.
"I don't know. There are times I just wonder what I'm doing, you know, with Indigo. Actually, what the fuck is she doing with me? She's got Alex, you know. It doesn't make sense," Liz said. It might not have been what was bothering her the most, but it was still the truth.
"Oh," Rikki said. It was so unlike Liz to be reflective that it caught her off guard. "Don't worry about Indigo for the moment; what do you want?"
Liz squirmed. She rarely asked that question of herself. "What I want?" she thought. "That's the one thing I can't say." She was quiet as she thought about it. "I don't know. I just don't know," she finally said. "Sometimes, I wonder what it might be like to be with her for real, but then I push her away. I don't even know why."
"You always do. Sweetie, all the way back to high school," Rikki said. It was true. Every time someone good really fell for her, Liz managed to fuck it up, usually by cheating, although it was hard to call it cheating when she never actually committed to most of them. Some just drifted away. A few ended with major blowups.
"You remember that night with Sharon?" Rikki said with a smile.
"Damn, how could I forget it," Liz said with smile. Now, years later, she could smile.
Rikki laughed. "Most memorable birthday party ever. Her grabbing your cake and shoving it into your face when she found you kissing that Japanese girl. And then screaming 'you're a bitch' over and over again."
"Yeah, and then she scratched me on the cheek when she slapped me," Liz said.
"And she didn't stop screaming. You're standing there with blood dripping down your cheek, covered in cake, and she is still screaming," Rikki said. "Wendy dragged her outside, and she was still calling you a bitch. And that you broke her heart."
Liz was quiet, lifting her hand up and touching the spot where she was scratched that night. "I did, you know. Fuck, the only girl I said I love you to, and I knew it was a lie when I said it," she said.
"Why did you then?" Rikki asked. She knew Liz had said it; everyone there that night knew it. Sharon had thrown it into her face enough times.
