Author's note: Many thanks to Fewella, Luxx, Onyx03 and TheMasterBaiter for their help in brainstorming and editing.
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I met Allison during my gap year, right after my A-Levels exams. During that time, I found myself going to this private library that had a cafe-bar available to its members only. Not only was the coffee that they had delicious, they also held different activities. I only attended one religiously; the book club. Most of the book club members were little old ladies. Being eighteen, I was by far the youngest one amongst them. Despite knowing that I was not welcome there because of the looks the middle-aged women always gave me, I still went and participated.
I noticed Allison on the first day I went to the cafe. It was hard not to look at her. She was the perfect eye candy. She looked so masculine and yet so fragile. She was fit, with a sleeve tattoo and another one on the neck. It was a small skull that I knew I wanted to kiss the first time I saw it. She always wore those ripped skinny jeans with loose tees. Her arms were toned but looked so soft. I kept thinking about how her whole body must be like that too. Whenever she would get close to me, I would silently breathe in her perfume; it was so delicate, and yet not feminine at all. It smelled like citrus mixed with the woods.
At first, the only time I spoke with her was when I ordered my usual coffee and croissant. However, after a couple of weeks, it seemed that she had started to remember my order. As soon as she would see me entering the cafe, she would nod to me and as soon as I nodded back, she would start the coffee machine and grab a plate.
I never tried for her. I didn't expect she would be interested so I didn't let my attraction get out of control. For me, she was just a hot waitress that made it hard for me to concentrate on whatever the old ladies were saying.
Everything changed the day the topic book was Les Justes by Albert Camus. I was sitting at a table alone and drinking my coffee while listening to an old lady commenting on the play. It would be a lie to say that I was not throwing glances at Allison once in while. She was leaning against the bar table and listening as well. The thing with being the youngest in that club was that everybody thought that my analysis lacked depth or that I was just trying to be different. In reality, it was their analysis that lacked depth; they tended to take everything literally. What they said that day was what made me never go back to the club.
"Well I think Camus is just defending terrorists by giving them feelings," A lady spat out before she sipped her tea.
I stopped chewing, not quite believing what she had just said. My croissant stayed in between my fingers while I was trying to process her thoughts. I wanted to say something but when I saw everyone nodding with her, I could not. I knew that they would report me and I would be banned from coming again.
But Allison did not give a single fuck.
"That's it." she burst in "I'm fucking done listening to you. How can you say that? You claim to know about the book and yet you don't even realise that this story is based on real events! Camus tried to give them feelings to make us think about their heroic actions!"
Everybody gasped, including me. I chugged my coffee and swallowed my croissant in one go. I could sense the tense atmosphere and how everybody was fuming. I mean, I could imagine them thinking about how some waitress dared to cuss and give her opinion.
The lady chuckled, probably thinking that she was the smart one, "Oh, I did not know the waitress was in the club as well. How about you bring me some more tea? Besides no one agrees with your pathetic view."
Everybody looked around, waiting for someone to speak up. No one did and I saw Allison reddening with either anger or embarrassment. I don't know what compelled me to rise from my seat and clear my throat, making everybody look at me, including Allison.
"Well, I agree with her," I said, without stuttering.
For a small moment, I felt good and happy until the lady hit me with "Oh really? Please do explain."
This time, it was my turn to blush. I felt embarrassed, wanting to disappear from the room. Instinctively, my hand flew behind my neck as I let out a couple of "Uh"s. I looked at the lady and saw her smirking and then at Allison who was watching me with a genuine, bright smile. It probably acted as a boost because I gathered my courage and gave one of my best interpretations of that play. Everybody stayed quiet while I was talking and I knew they were as shocked as I was. Without me asking, Allison brought me another coffee.
After the session, everybody walked out while giving me dirty looks. I kept thinking how they were probably going to report me and how I would have to explain to my parents why the expensive membership that they had paid for would be wasted because they would not allow me to go to the library anymore.
I quickly grabbed my stuff and put it in my handbag. I walked to the bar to pay. While I was walking, Allison kept looking at me and smiling. I felt all warm and I guess I was glowing with a sense of pride, knowing that I had won her attention. When I got to the register, I took out my credit card and gave it to her. She wouldn't take it. Instead she smiled again, tilted her head to the left side and bit her lip. I did not really know how to react. It was not that I didn't know that I appreciated girls but I had done nothing apart from the occasional boob grab and kissing practice between friends in high school.
"Thanks for earlier. I'm probably going to lose my job but thanks. Your analysis was perfect. It's my treat because you helped me."
Like a dumb teenager, I stared at her while nodding slowly and unable to say anything.
"I think someone's calling you," she pointed to my phone that was in my hand. I awkwardly jerked my hand and my head and let out a weird laugh that I instantly regretted. I smiled at her and walked away and answered the call. It was my driver, who came to pick me up after the meeting. For the first time ever, I did not speak at all during the drive back home.
And for the first time ever, I could not properly label my emotions, I could not quite figure out what I was feeling.
