The Truth Shall Set You Free

A special thank you to "herecomestherain" for the help and for stimulating some ideas in my head.

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I spread out on the bed, my chest crumpling the thick blanket underneath me. The dim light of the table lamp brightened the words in my textbook. My brown eyes widened pouring over the complex language in the book nestled on the pillow. I played with the leg of my loose black shorts and pushed back the sleeves of my gray sweatshirt trying to focus on my studies. Analyzing the drawing for a moment, I was startled as an image of her sweet face flashed before me. Yet again, she had seeped into my conscious thoughts. "Becky," I murmured, the sound of my voice broke the silence of the empty dorm room. This is not good; I can't keep my mind off her. Maybe I should of gone with my dorm roommates to that party tonight. Shaking my head, my long black hair swayed. What if she was there and with him? I slammed my small palm on the textbook and winced in distress. Becoming sidetracked, I redoubled my efforts to concentrate on my studies. However, no matter how hard I tried, she occupied a deep spot in my mind.

I heard the sound of shuffling footsteps on the nearby stairs. Who could that be? It was way to early for my roommates. The door of my campus room creaked opened and slammed shut. I looked up from the textbook. There she was! The object of my unfulfilled desires, the one that always invaded my thoughts, the one who had a special place in my heart, the one who reminded me I wasn't like other girls, my friend Becky. Her high-heel black shoes slid across the floor as her sleek legs covered in red sheer pantyhose trudged forward casting large shadows across the dimly lit room. Her face was in a state of anguish with red lipstick slightly smudged as her lips frowned. Her blonde disheveled hair swayed across her face. The silk red blouse was pulled from her slim fitting black skirt as she moved towards me. Tears streaked down her face and it was evident from her sore blue eyes that she had been crying for some time.

"What's wrong?" I asked as I sat up abruptly concerned for her well-being. My textbook carelessly fell to the floor. The words I learned suddenly forgotten.

"Sandy! He dumped me. I was going to go all the way tonight. I thought I was ready but I couldn't do it. I dressed up for him and wanted to take our relationship up a level, but it just didn't feel right. He became cruel and said so many awful things." She sat next to me sobbing.

That guy was a jerk. He didn't really care for her, the scum bag only wanted to get under her skirt. Ever since I first saw them together, I wanted to rip her away from him. I had to admit I didn't just hate him I was also jealous. He could be close to her and I'd love to take his place. I adored her in every way. Everything about her seemed perfect, her body, her mind, and her soul. If only I had the guts to tell her my innermost feelings. To do that, I would have to gamble our friendship. However, the pain of holding the truth inside of me at times seemed almost unendurable, I could not risk losing what we had together.

But whom am I kidding? How could I tell her, when I was scared to tell others? I dared not tell my family. My father would say I'm a deviant. My mother would order me to change, as if I could simply snap my fingers and make these feelings go away. No, they would never understand. Sometimes I wish could yell out to my friends, 'This is what I am. I've always been this way and if you don't like it fuck off!' But I couldn't do it, I was so afraid they wouldn't want to be with someone so different. I would be alone. Only my high school buddy knew about me; she was like me. She was the only one I trusted with my secret, but she was far away starting a new life with another girl. At this College, I couldn't find anyone to share my hidden side. Therefore, I put up a fake front again. I'm accustomed to it now. I just disguised myself to be like my roommates feigning interest in guys. I masked my feelings for women and sometimes I almost fooled myself into thinking I was normal, but not after I saw her for the first time in class. As we became close friends, these repressed feelings grew much stronger.

"That jerk didn't deserve you." I leaned to the side table and pulled a tissue from the box by the lamp. I wiped away the tears. With extra caution, I wiped near her beautiful blue eyes looking into the sorrow they displayed. I rubbed the mascara that had smeared down with her tears. She didn't flinch as the tissue nearly grazed her eye.

"All this time he has been faking about really loving me. Tonight when I changed my mind and couldn't go through with it, I asked him to wait a little longer. He became a different person, he was so mean," she said grimacing in pain.

"That stupid prick has no idea what he lost," I said as my other hand gently rubbed her back trying to console her. My fingers moved along the seam of the red shirt. I abruptly stopped as I felt her bra strap hidden underneath the thin fabric. As a forbidden thought surfaced, my hands quickly returned to my lap in shame clutching the wet tissue.

"Yesterday, he said he loved me. I thought he meant it," she said sobbing. "I will never find someone to really love me," she said shaking her head from side to side. I tightened my fist. I want to hurt him for breaking her innocent heart.

"Don't say that. You're such a sweet, smart and pretty girl. I'm glad he's gone. You're too good for him. He doesn't know how lucky he was to spend so much time with you. You're special." The words trailed off as I realized my heart spoke instead of my head. I desperately wanted to reveal my true feelings towards her, but yet again, I pushed those emotions deep inside of me.

"You're so nice. You always know what to say to make me feel better. Just having you next to me makes me feel wanted." She sniffled, wiped the remaining teardrop off her rosy cheeks, and smiled as she leaned closer. As the words from her sweet voice drifted through me, I felt cracks forming inside. "If only I could find someone I could believe in, someone who would love me for myself." I felt the fissures continued to grow stressing the walls I formed. "I thought maybe he was the one," her words penetrated me making me feel perilously close to breaking as she continued, "the one that loved me." She nudged closer and her shoulder briefly touched mine. The barriers inside of me came crumbling down. My hand released the tissue and it slowly fell to the floor. I finally released all the pent up emotion I had for her. My lips opened and whispered the three words I locked in my heart for so long, "I love you."

Her blonde eyebrows raised and she hesitated, "Oh, I know. You're my best friend. We're like sisters."

She didn't understand that's not what I meant. The love I had for her was not like family and it was much more than friends. I turned away from her and pulled myself to the other end of the bed. My heart pounded as if it wanted to force itself from my body. My hands nervously trembled. My eyes looked away from her pretty face and out to the cloudy night through the window across the room. I wondered if I should backtrack, conceal my true feelings and continue with the lies. I lowered my head looking at my hands in my lap and hiding behind the long dark strands of hair falling into my face. I could not retract my words and I could no longer hide my emotions. I took a deep breath and realized this was it, the decisive moment.

"No! I mean I'm in love with you!" I exclaimed with clarity and conviction. I whimpered in relief and fear and bent my head lower. I was relieved that I had finally confessed my feelings but terrified of her reaction. My eyes watered and tears began falling. I no longer had control of any of my emotions. The willpower to withhold them was stripped from me as the naked truth left my mouth. I dared not look at her as I uttered more words broken by my sobbing, "I've tried to ignore my feelings. I can't deny it. I can't hide it anymore. I love you with all my heart."

"Sandy?" Her voice seemed unsure as she was dumbfounded by my revelation.

"Please, let me get this out. I've been holding this in way too long. I have to tell you the truth. I love you as more than a friend. I know how weird this must sound to you." I paused sobbing as tears ran to my cheeks and continued, "At first I didn't understand it. I always knew I was different from other girls. All my life I tried to convince myself it was a phase or I was confused and sometimes I almost believe it. I dated guys and once I explored that side of me with this girl in high school that was just like me, but no one has had the effect that you have on me." I paused again as the tears streamed and continued, "The closer we became, the more I knew what I felt for you was not only friendship. When I came to terms with my feelings, I tried to bury myself with schoolwork to keep my mind off you. It isn't working. I see your face and wish I was kissing you." The tears dropped from the tip of my chin and landed in my lap wetting the fingers of my trembling hands.

"I... uh," shocked, she muttered, "why didn't you tell me before?"

"You mean so much to me, I couldn't risk our friendship. I was ashamed of my attraction to you; sometimes I think something is wrong with me. I was afraid to tell you; maybe you would think I'm some kind of sick pervert. You're only the second person I've told. I thought maybe I had put away these feelings; but as I grew closer to you, they were stronger than I ever felt before. When you dated him, I smiled on the outside; but inside, my heart was torn. I hated seeing you kiss him. It looked like you were happy with him, so I couldn't bring myself to try to break you two apart." Sobbing, I wiped the tear soaked hands on my shorts. "It was so hard, some nights I cried myself to sleep. My roommates thought I was nuts. Even in my sleep, I couldn't run from my feelings. I dreamed about you. I tried to avoid you, because I couldn't handle seeing you and being reminded we were only friends. But it hurt being away from you too. I missed you so much. So many times, I thought I really would go crazy."

I pulled up my bare legs and curled into a ball, "I'm sorry, I wished these feelings went away. I wish I was normal. I wish I didn't love you that way. I'm sorry... Becky, I'm sorry." I babbled as tears continued to stream down my face. I could feel the pain inside me, but now the secret was out. No more lies. I didn't have to pretend to be something I wasn't anymore.

"Oh... I had no idea. You never told me you were into girls. I thought you only wanted us to be friends."

Would she reject me? Of course she would, she wasn't like me. My grief overcame me. I felt faint and collapsed to my back, turned to my stomach, and buried my face deep into the pillow as I clutched the blanket underneath me. I moaned in torment as I closed my watery eyes tightly. My stomach was in knots. I should have continued with the lies. I wondered if our friendship would hold. Would she reject me as a friend? Have I lost her forever? This was a horrible feeling. I was dying inside. I don't think I could live with this hopeless misery, to live without her in my life. As tears seeped from my eyelids and drenched the pillow, I shrieked in pain and fell deeper into my pit of sorrow. I groaned again the pillow unable to muffle my cries penetrated into the silent room.

Then I felt her hand around me; she gently rubbed my back as I had done to her. Her other hand softly stroked my hair. I felt her next to me on the small bed. "Please look at me," she whispered. I timidly shifted my head towards her but kept my eyes firmly shut. "Open your eyes," she said as she brushed the hair away from my face. I reluctantly opened my eyelids, my vision clouded with tears; but as I blinked and saw the blurry image of her face on the pillow just inches away, I abruptly looked down. I couldn't look at her afraid her eyes would tell me something I didn't want to know. As one hand continued to caress my back, I felt her other hand move from my hair and rest under my chin. She gently lifted my face so we were eye to eye. About to apologize for my behavior, her finger touched my lips. Her red painted fingernail tip pressed down on my lips blocking me from saying sorry.

"Don't blame yourself for the way you feel. I'm the one who should be sorry for causing you so much pain. Now I know why you have been acting odd, especially since I met him. I knew something was wrong, but you wouldn't tell me. It makes sense. I should have seen what I was doing to you. You have absolutely no reason to be ashamed. It's okay. There's nothing wrong with you. Please don't cry. Don't worry; I won't put you down for being different. We're still friends," she said her face full of compassion and concern.

"Thank you," I cried as her finger lifted from my lips. She leaned forward, gave me a big hug, and pulled my body with her as we sat on the bed. She reassured me, her hand rubbing my back.

As I cried on her shoulder, she said, "Remember when we first met how shy and scared I was to be here away from my family and friends? We became such good friends. You were always there when I needed help. You protected me, encouraged me to follow my dreams, and made me laugh when I was sad. You were my rock and supported me when I needed it. You never ever asked for anything in return. You're my best friend." My anguish seemed to fade away as my tears slowly fell on her silk red blouse. I felt the smooth fabric slide across my cheek. My anxiety drifted away as I found peace in her arms. It felt good to have her close. She didn't judge me even if we were different.

"Listen, I really care a lot about you," she paused for a moment. "I'm willing to try this. Let me be with you. I haven't been with another girl but I want to try to be with you in that way tonight," she whispered into my ear.

Was I dreaming? I could not believe the words coming from her sweet red lips. But no matter how bad I longed to be with her, I didn't want her to do something she would regret. I wouldn't do that to her no matter how much I wanted her bare body next to mine. I broke her hug, averted my eyes, lowered my head again so as not be tempted by her beauty, and replied, "You don't know how bad I want this, but I can't ask you to do that. I want you to be sure. I wouldn't be able to forgive myself if I forced you to be with me tonight. I don't want one night to ruin our friendship. You mean to much to me to lose."

Her blonde eyebrows raised in surprise with my answer. My hand still shook nervously as I fidgeted. She placed her hand on mine holding it tightly. "The bond I have with you is deeper than what I have with anyone else. You're the most important person in the world to me. You have given me your love unconditionally. I've never been as comfortable with anyone like I am with you right now. I respect that you bared your soul. I want to be closer with you. I really trust you. Don't worry. You aren't forcing yourself on me. I want this. Listen, no matter what happens tonight, I know we will last as friends. What we have together can't be broken. Our connection is too strong."

"You mean it?" I lifted my head and rubbed the tears off from my cheeks as I stared into her deep blue eyes. She didn't have to reply since her eyes revealed her answer.

"Yes," she whispered and smiled warmly. I felt like pinching myself. Could it really be true my dream is becoming reality? She gradually leaned forward and tilted her head; her soft moist lips met mine for the first time kissing me softly, swiftly. Oh my God! She kissed me. In disbelief, I closed my eyes, relishing the moment of bliss and yearning for more. Again, she brought her lips to mine, but this time more bold and the kiss lasted much longer. As her lips met mine, some of her red lipstick transferred to my lips. This boosted my confidence as my hands raised to touch her face. I gently held the side of her face, caressing her warm cheeks and we kissed again deeply. The knots in my stomach were gone, replaced with butterflies. I drew away and she took a deep breath. My finger wiped away a smudge of her red lipstick on the edge of her bottom lip. She smiled as she gazed into my eyes. She leaned in again as her little nose softly rubbed mine. I tilted my head and her lips returned. She slowly parted her lips as my hand ran through her hair. Her wet tongue darted to touch my lips. Taking her cue, I opened my mouth eager for her tongue. Her mouth widened as our tongues danced together as one. When we finally released our mouths from our passionate kiss, I opened my eyes as we both breathed deeply in unison.

She whispered, "I like kissing you." I smiled as I felt her caress my hand no longer trembling. A feeling of elation overcame me as I kissed her again. I felt risen from the darkest hell which I had been only moments ago. Her hand released mine as she unbuttoned her shirt. Everything went into slow motion as I watched her reveal her naked self. I closed my eyes almost afraid my urges would soon be satisfied. For a few moments, I was lost in my thoughts until I felt her hands on my waist. My eyelids popped open and I saw her wearing only her undergarments, hose, and shoes. What beautiful lingerie it was! Intended for him, but I would stare upon her wonderful body gift wrapped in lingerie. He would never appreciate it anyway. An exquisite embroidered bra and panty set with little red roses delicately sewn into the plush black fabric. The bra pushing her luscious breasts showed me the curves of her feminine form.

My lips met hers again. I released them and kissed her on her soft cheek. She exhaled and I felt her warm breath. I traveled to her ear and brushed a careless strand of hair behind her ear. I kissed her earlobe, my tongue gently played through the center of her hoop earring. I softly whispered, "Your gorgeous." My lips traveled to the side of her neck as I continued to her shoulder. My lips moved to her collarbone until they reached her bra strap. My fingers tenderly moved the strap aside. My lips kissed the light imprint the strap had left. I followed the path down the strap and continued to kiss as my lips traveled the curve of her breasts lifted from her fine bra. Looking at the images of red flowers on the outside of the bra, I kissed each rose and my lips felt the hidden nipple underneath the cloth. What once was forbidden would soon be mine.

"You have such good taste in lingerie. I almost don't want to take it off," I paused, grinned looking at her, and continued, "But if you wish, then I must." I kissed her neck again as my hands snaked around her back and fingers quickly unhooked her bra. As my body pulled away from her, she removed the beautiful bra and revealed the greater beauty underneath. The bra fell to the floor discarded and forgotten like the words in the textbook. My brown eyes widened as I looked at her glorious breasts. Those beautiful full breasts! I ached to kiss her cinnamon-colored nipples.

She saw the anxious look and said, "Go ahead, I want to feel your hands and lips." I lowered my head and brought my hands to them eager to fill her request. As each of my hands touched the base of her breasts, I exhaled. I brought my lips to the top of her breasts and lightly kissed her soft skin and beautiful curves. Leaving the best for last, I carefully avoided her areolas as my lips traveled exploring her breast. I finally went to her untouched nipple and gave it the softest kiss possible. I heard her sigh. She pulled me closer, encouraging me. I heard the light beats of her heart. My tongue leapt from my mouth and lathered her areola and it stiffened from my attention. I kissed the nipple again with more passion as if it was her lips. She whispered, "Please, the other one too." At her appeal, I went to her neglected breast and showed it the same appreciation. Her hand once again pulled me closer to her nipple and she whispered, "Please." She didn't need to ask so politely since I wanted too.