A special thank you to "herecomestherain" for the help and for stimulating some ideas in my head.
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I spread out on the bed, my chest crumpling the thick blanket underneath me. The dim light of the table lamp brightened the words in my textbook. My brown eyes widened pouring over the complex language in the book nestled on the pillow. I played with the leg of my loose black shorts and pushed back the sleeves of my gray sweatshirt trying to focus on my studies. Analyzing the drawing for a moment, I was startled as an image of her sweet face flashed before me. Yet again, she had seeped into my conscious thoughts. "Becky," I murmured, the sound of my voice broke the silence of the empty dorm room. This is not good; I can't keep my mind off her. Maybe I should of gone with my dorm roommates to that party tonight. Shaking my head, my long black hair swayed. What if she was there and with him? I slammed my small palm on the textbook and winced in distress. Becoming sidetracked, I redoubled my efforts to concentrate on my studies. However, no matter how hard I tried, she occupied a deep spot in my mind.
I heard the sound of shuffling footsteps on the nearby stairs. Who could that be? It was way to early for my roommates. The door of my campus room creaked opened and slammed shut. I looked up from the textbook. There she was! The object of my unfulfilled desires, the one that always invaded my thoughts, the one who had a special place in my heart, the one who reminded me I wasn't like other girls, my friend Becky. Her high-heel black shoes slid across the floor as her sleek legs covered in red sheer pantyhose trudged forward casting large shadows across the dimly lit room. Her face was in a state of anguish with red lipstick slightly smudged as her lips frowned. Her blonde disheveled hair swayed across her face. The silk red blouse was pulled from her slim fitting black skirt as she moved towards me. Tears streaked down her face and it was evident from her sore blue eyes that she had been crying for some time.
"What's wrong?" I asked as I sat up abruptly concerned for her well-being. My textbook carelessly fell to the floor. The words I learned suddenly forgotten.
"Sandy! He dumped me. I was going to go all the way tonight. I thought I was ready but I couldn't do it. I dressed up for him and wanted to take our relationship up a level, but it just didn't feel right. He became cruel and said so many awful things." She sat next to me sobbing.
That guy was a jerk. He didn't really care for her, the scum bag only wanted to get under her skirt. Ever since I first saw them together, I wanted to rip her away from him. I had to admit I didn't just hate him I was also jealous. He could be close to her and I'd love to take his place. I adored her in every way. Everything about her seemed perfect, her body, her mind, and her soul. If only I had the guts to tell her my innermost feelings. To do that, I would have to gamble our friendship. However, the pain of holding the truth inside of me at times seemed almost unendurable, I could not risk losing what we had together.
But whom am I kidding? How could I tell her, when I was scared to tell others? I dared not tell my family. My father would say I'm a deviant. My mother would order me to change, as if I could simply snap my fingers and make these feelings go away. No, they would never understand. Sometimes I wish could yell out to my friends, 'This is what I am. I've always been this way and if you don't like it fuck off!' But I couldn't do it, I was so afraid they wouldn't want to be with someone so different. I would be alone. Only my high school buddy knew about me; she was like me. She was the only one I trusted with my secret, but she was far away starting a new life with another girl. At this College, I couldn't find anyone to share my hidden side. Therefore, I put up a fake front again. I'm accustomed to it now. I just disguised myself to be like my roommates feigning interest in guys. I masked my feelings for women and sometimes I almost fooled myself into thinking I was normal, but not after I saw her for the first time in class. As we became close friends, these repressed feelings grew much stronger.
"That jerk didn't deserve you." I leaned to the side table and pulled a tissue from the box by the lamp. I wiped away the tears. With extra caution, I wiped near her beautiful blue eyes looking into the sorrow they displayed. I rubbed the mascara that had smeared down with her tears. She didn't flinch as the tissue nearly grazed her eye.
"All this time he has been faking about really loving me. Tonight when I changed my mind and couldn't go through with it, I asked him to wait a little longer. He became a different person, he was so mean," she said grimacing in pain.
"That stupid prick has no idea what he lost," I said as my other hand gently rubbed her back trying to console her. My fingers moved along the seam of the red shirt. I abruptly stopped as I felt her bra strap hidden underneath the thin fabric. As a forbidden thought surfaced, my hands quickly returned to my lap in shame clutching the wet tissue.
"Yesterday, he said he loved me. I thought he meant it," she said sobbing. "I will never find someone to really love me," she said shaking her head from side to side. I tightened my fist. I want to hurt him for breaking her innocent heart.
