Ash and I held hands while walking from her place back to mine on a mild June morning. If we wake up early enough we get to walk through our small town before many people are out and about, where we enjoy the trees and the bird song without the accompanying street harassment that we face at other times of day. I didn't live in my hometown as a choice but rather as a consequence of a substance abuse problem that I was finally making real progress on. Meeting Ash and taking these walks together almost made all the local horrors worth tolerating. When I lived in the city I never really missed what was supposed to be my home, but once I leave again I'm certain I'll miss the calm of a weekend stroll early in the morning.
"Oh, I keep forgetting to tell you this, " Ash said with a roll of her eyes. "I talked to that woman Donna, you know, who keeps trying to plan gay events in town but they always sound kind of bad and get shut down and moved somewhere else by homophobes. I just wanted to tell her that it doesn't have to be a Drag Brunch every single time, like what if we just got some gay people together and had a picnic. Drag is cool and all but what if someone with the resources she has tried planning something where we could like just get to know each other instead of being a prop for bachelorette parties. Anyway, we ended up talking about that one annoying homophobe that is always posting vile shit on the local facebook groups, Richard Hard."
"Please tell me she was able to confirm that it is his real name. I want to live in the world where homophobes are cursed to have gay fucking names like Dick Fucking Hard."
Joy shone on Ash's face, "I'm so happy to announce that is his name and also she knew his address somehow? I still have no idea what he looks like but she has his location."
"Oh shit, what is going to do with that? I would go to one of her drag shows if she broke into his house and used that for the drag brunches he keeps getting canceled. Or is she doing something more traditional like egging his house or doxxing him?"
Ash sighed, "Oh Emma, you forgot that you're not in the city anymore, small town liberals don't think like we do. She wants to do his chores."
I stopped in my tracks and looked at Ash's face, "Excuse me?"
"Well, you know the phrase 'Kill them with kindness.' She thinks if we rake his leaves and bake some casseroles that maybe he will stop harassing all the local queer and trans people online. He told Lila that it was 'on sight' if he ever saw her out in town but Donna wants to cook his ass green beans."
I pressed the hand that wasn't holding Ash's into my forehead, "So her idea is to reward the homophobic guy for being homophobic so he stops being homophobic? I'm not sure how love is ever going to 'conquer hate' or whatever with this attitude."
"Yeah, I told her that I think our energy is better spent elsewhere but I'm not sure I convinced her."
I shrugged, "If she wants to do it she can do it alone. I'm not sure anyone else would want to step anywhere near this fucker's house."
We continued to discuss all the people that made living here again feel so unsustainable. This is something I've struggled with on and off for years. I left this town as soon as I could after years of kissing girls at sleepovers in constant fear of a parent opening a door at the wrong time or of the other girl betraying me to the rumor mill. Leaving this town felt like a key tool of survival for me but I was always pained to know that many queer people from here do not get that opportunity. When I was in high school very few people were out but now I know dozens of classmates that have come out in some way since graduating and moving out. It's hard to look at that and not feel like we missed the opportunity to be a community together, to build stronger pockets of queer solidarity to keep each other alive and thriving. I can't help but feel some sort of responsibility to those who were left behind and may, or may not, be struggling to feel loved and connected to others. Now that I am back here I have some opportunity to build what I think the people here deserve but the pushback from vocal community members has consistently disrupted community building other than mutually complaining with the other gay people fighting in the comments.
As we walked through the shade of the trees we saw another person for the first time this morning, a white man who was probably in his 50s wearing a Hawaian shirt and jean shorts that fell just below his knees packing a big red cooler into the back of an SUV. As he came into view, we instinctively grew quiet out of a desperation to not bring attention to ourselves. Just as we passed his driveway, a car drove by, drawing the man's eyes to the street and to us.
"Good morning ladies," the man said with a wink and a smile that quickly drained when he saw our fingers interlocked. "I must inform you ladies that we don't condone that kind of behavior and I would like to kindly ask you to stop before any kids see."
Ash stopped and I tightened my grip as she started to respond, "And what exactly are you so pressed about? What is going on here that a kid can't see?"
The man huffed, "The public sexual display that is happening right in front of me, on my property."
Ash sighed, "Holding hands? This makes you horny?"
"No, you sicko. It doesn't make me horny, it makes you horny. A man and a woman holding hands is a symbol of the strength of the hetereosexual bond between a man and his woman that keeps society running. A woman and woman holding hands is a declaration that it is alright for women to finger each other."
I looked at him, "What? I just don't even understand what you are trying to say, honestly."
The man turned red, "All I'm trying to say is that the parents in this neighborhood would appreciate it if you didn't poison their kids minds with this fucking dyke indoctrination. The good, God fearing, people of this community are getting ready for church and you are parading your sexuality!"
Ash scoffed, "I guess you're not one of them, unless you're going to fucking beach church."
"Watch your mouth, ladies. If you even are real ladies." The man punctuated his response with a wad of spit that landed between me and Ash.
Ash looked like she was about to pounce on the man but stopped when she saw a woman step out of the man's house, "Richard are you screaming at the podcasts again? Kids are sleeping next door and we need to hurry so we aren't late."
Richard turned to his alleged wife, "Tammy, we're going to the beach. I don't think we can be late you stupid-"
Tammy frowned, "I was just joking dear. You know I'm excited for my beach read."
