Something More

"Just come over here!" My best friend, Cassie, could be so impatient at times, and today was no exception. Her voice rang out through my cell phone, "I have to eat some dinner and then we can hang out."

"Okay, fine," I replied. When Cassie wanted to see me she always demanded instead of asked. Of course, I was eager to see her too. Truth be told, we were kind of addicted to each other. Since we had met at work six months ago, we had spent nearly every day together. I kept waiting to get burnt out on her, but so far every minute I was with her only spurred another hour I wanted to be with her. "I'll be over in twenty minutes."

"You might as well bring some comfy clothes and spend the night." I had expected this. Sleepovers were pretty routine with Cassie.

"Your parents won't mind?" I had been brought up to give adults, especially parents, the utmost respect. Cassie not so much.

"Who gives a damn if they do? No girl, just get your ass over here. Okay? Bye!" I hung up the phone and grinned to myself. She always made me smile, that was for sure. I quickly put together an overnight bag and headed out the door.

To this day, I cannot believe how our friendship snuck up on me. To be honest, I never expected to be such good friends with Cassie when I met her. I was working midnights as an aide at a long-term care facility -- which is just a proper name for a nursing home -- when she entered my life as "the new girl shadowing on third". I had been going through a really rough time in my life due to family problems, and I was out of antidepressants to boot. My depression was at an all-time high, and I was very withdrawn from everyone. I still laughed and joked around as was expected of me, but I did so in a daze, as if I were going through life on autopilot. Thus when I met Cassie for the first time, I evaluated her from a distance.

Even through the fog of depression, I noticed certain things about her right away. First, she was gorgeous, and I mean GORGEOUS! She had an exotic look about her -- courtesy of her Czechoslovakian heritage I later found out -- with high, broad cheekbones and big, brown almond-shaped eyes that sparkled with humor and wit. She had a pair of plush, smiling lips complimented by a dainty nose, and her dirty-blonde hair fell in curly ringlets down to her shoulders. Second, I noticed she was quite brilliant, very quick to make witty or sarcastic remarks. Her sense of humor was one that I felt was very compatible with my own. Soon we were bouncing about a playful banter, challenging each other's quick wit like dueling fencers.

Still I never really considered the possibility of being anything more than work buddies with her. Things began to change one night when we worked together. It was during the time of the month for me where it was the week before the period, and as all ladies know, we get extremely horny during that week. Having been without intimate contact in quite some time, I was especially frustrated that night. Cassie caught on that something was wrong and when she asked me what it was, I went into a rather detailed explanation.

"So," she laughed, "you're frustrated because you're super horny?"

"YES!" I laughed too. "It's like a going-out-of-business sale! Everything must go! I'll take the best offer!"

"Oh my god," she giggled. "I love it! Going-out-of-business week!"

"G.O.B. week," I amended with a smile.

"G.O.B. week," she agreed. Without warning, she hip-checked me into the wall of the hallway.

"Bitch!" I gasped as I hit the wall, and I proceeded to chase her down the hall. When I caught her, I pinned her to the wall while we caught our breath. Suddenly I realized this chase had done nothing to calm my raging hormones; instead I found myself even more turned on.

She must have realized this too from the look on my face. "Whatcha gonna do, Miss G.O.B?" She grinned wickedly. I just stood there, confused by the sexual tension I now felt between us. I'd never been turned on by a girl before, and I was pretty sure Cassie was 100% straight. Hell, up until that moment I was pretty sure I was 100% straight! When I didn't answer, Cassie grabbed my hair with one hand while spinning me around with the other until we had traded places and I was the one pinned to the wall. As the hand in my hair tightened and began to pull, my breaths became ragged.

Suddenly she let go of my hair and backed away from me. "Ha ha, too easy," she said, laughing.

"You really shouldn't mess with people who are on G.O.B. week you know," I forced laughter. Damn it, if she was going to play it off, so was I. "If you had a dick, I'd probably rape you right now!"

"If I had a dick, I'd slap you over the face with it for saying such a thing." We both laughed at the thought. The rest of the night we joked and kidded around, doing silly little things like racing to unlock doors and hip-checking each other into bushes outside. I know she thought that she was helping distract me from my hormonal state, but truth be told, my body jumped every time she touched me even slightly. I found myself studying her, wondering what it was about her that I found so attractive. I didn't like the places my imagination was taking me that night; still I felt more present in my head than usual, and it felt good to turn off the autopilot for a while.

I had the next two nights off for the weekend, and I spent a large portion of them satisfying my needs in my bedroom. "Satisfying" is probably the wrong word to use, though, because I was entirely insatiable that weekend. And to my dismay, Cassie was cropping up in my fantasies more often than was acceptable -- I wasn't trying to think about her, but the way her face had looked when she had me up against the wall kept popping into my head. Finally the G.O.B. state eased up on Monday morning and I returned to work feeling refreshed.

I had been bracing myself all day to see Cassie that night, unsure of how I would react. When she walked into the building, she was texting on her cell phone, furiously tapping the buttons -- she was a pro texter. When she looked up and met my gaze, her eyes lit up brightly. "Hey there!" she called, a grin on her face. "How was your weekend?" I couldn't help but grin back at her; her bubbly demeanor was infectious.

"Fairly uneventful," I replied. "Didn't leave my bedroom much." She laughed heartily at that.

"Didn't think you would after Friday night!" I laughed too.

I was surprised to find that again I felt very present in my head around Cassie that night. I very quickly placed the strange sexual tension on a back burner in my mind and just concentrated on spending time with her. Our conversation fell into a comfortable pattern -- we talked about everything from our hopes and dreams to our fears and shortcomings. As the night continued on, I found myself opening up to this charming girl in ways I had not for years. I told her about some of the family problems that had really been burning me up for the past months. She in turn opened up to me, telling me about her dad's debilitating medical condition and how it affected her life.

That morning we went to breakfast together. After that we started hanging out whenever we had a chance. She texted or called me first thing when she woke up, and we would hang out most of the day. We never planned anything ahead of time, and it was almost funny how we would take such care to make it seem like we just had nothing better to do than hang out. Cassie would invite me over for the most mundane things: once she called and said, "Hey I need to clean my car out. Wanna help?" Of course I agreed. Any excuse to be with Cassie was good enough for me.

One time she came over to my house out in the country, and we drank wine coolers and laughed until our sides hurt. "Admit it--," she demanded once, eyes glowing with mirth, "you love me and would be completely lost without me, Krissy."

Feeling brave from the wine, I looked at her with complete honesty.

"I do love you, Cassie. And you love me too?" She smiled and nodded enthusiastically. I sighed and we sat in a comfortable silence for a while. I finally said quietly, "I'm really glad we're friends, Cass." There was only silence for a few seconds.

"Kind of like besties, huh?" she then stated just as quietly.

That caught me by surprise. Cassie worked so hard at being aloof at times, I had always wondered if I enjoyed her way more than she enjoyed me. I turned to look at her. "Really?"

She didn't look at me when she nodded and said, "Mm hmm." I noticed then that she held her breath, as if her life was hanging on how I would react to her statement. I was touched.

I felt a huge grin spread across my face, and a happy laugh burst from deep within my chest. "Best friends," I marveled. "And after only 3 months!" She looked at me and grinned back. I laughed again, feeling happy from the sentiments and wine. "Seriously, Cassie, how did it happen that we're best friends after only 3 months?"

She smiled softly as she contemplated the question, then she shrugged and said simply, "I guess some things are just meant to be."

Now, a few months later, we were inseparable. We joked that we probably had some kind of problem, an addiction to each other. Truthfully we were both entirely obsessed. Whoever woke up first would text or call the other and we would find some reason to get together, even if only for a couple hours. The longest we had gone without seeing each other was 2 days when I left town for the weekend, and we compensated by spending about an hour on the phone both days as well as constant texting. Cassie was my personal antidepressant; all of my other friends and family had noted how much happier I seemed, and my tendency to go on autopilot had all but vanished. Whether for saving me from myself or for just being her, I honestly loved Cassie more than anyone else on the entire planet.

The only problem was, I was also half in-love with her too. As much as I enjoyed her friendship and wouldn't trade it for anything in the world, the sexual tension that had first flared in the beginning was still there. For the most part, I ignored it whenever I was around her, but a great number of my fantasies still contained her face. I was more than a little freaked out by this, because, as stated before, Cassie and I were both straight. I kept telling myself that I wouldn't think about her each time, but my body seemed to be tuned to want her -- other fantasies barely turned me on any more. In fact, I was barely interested in being with anyone else, and I turned away several men after only a couple dates because the bedroom sparks were just not there.

Cassie and I openly talked about our sexual encounters with men, but we both denied having any interest in women. One time, we were watching television and a lesbian couple came on the screen. "Blech! That is so gross," Cassie stated, her face screwed up in disgust. "I could never be with a woman -- I would puke!" She went on for another five minutes or so about how nasty lesbians are. I remember wondering whether she was defending herself a little too forcefully or if she really hated the idea of being with a woman that much. A night shortly after that one, we were playing truth or dare and she asked if I'd ever kissed another girl. When I told her I had not, she was surprised and told me that she had once when she was drunk.

"What was it like?" She looked away for a minute.

"I don't really remember. I was too drunk." That was all she had to say about it.

For a very long time I was able to limit my sexual thoughts about Cassie to those lonely times at night when I couldn't sleep. Lately, however, it seemed that these fantasies would pop into my head when I was with her too, usually when we were lying next to each other in her bed. With her lying only inches away from my yearning fingertips, never did she ever seem so unattainable. This was only made more difficult by the fact that Cassie was a snuggler, and she would cozy up to me as she slept at night. Honestly I liked to cuddle too, but my thoughts always went haywire whenever we touched. Still I found that I always slept better when next to Cassie; my own bed was too lonely without her.

It was for these reasons that I was bracing myself as I walked through her door that night, overnight bag in hand. After a brief hello to her parents, I galloped happily down the stairs to her bedroom where I knew she was waiting. I found her sitting on her bed, gazing into her laptop. Without even glancing up, she growled, "Well, it's about fucking time." "Really, Cass," I asked, grinning. "Not even a hello?"

She smirked, still focused on the screen. "Hello, Krissy. It's about fucking time."

I laughed as I sat down next to her on her bed. "And people wonder why I love you," I said sarcastically. Her only response was to smile faintly into her computer. "Okay, Cassie, what's up? Why are you being so grouchy with me?" She finally looked at me with accusing eyes that sparkled with a touch of humor. "You said you'd only be twenty minutes. It's been, like, twenty-four!"

"Oh my god...twenty-four minutes? We are wasting precious time!"

She snickered at my mockery. "Okay, Asshole. Make fun of me all you want. See if I invite you over ever again."

"Now Cassie, you know you can't live without me. Your empty threats mean nothing to me." I winked at her.

She smiled, big and bright, the kind of smile that I lived for nowadays. "Actually I can't live without you -- I need your help with an assignment for my comp class." I loved to write, and Cassie often asked me for help with her English class assignments.

Intrigued, I said, "What's the assignment?"

"We're supposed to write a poem about something we love and hate at the same time, but I don't know how to write poetry. I don't even know what topic to choose."

Poetry was my favorite. "The whole purpose of poetry is to recreate emotion using only words. Here's what I want you to do: think of something or someone that makes you feel extremely happy but extremely sad too. It needs to be a very strong emotion though." She frowned as she thought about it. "Let me know when you've decided, but don't tell me what it is okay?" She nodded. After a minute, she quietly told me she had decided what made her happy and sad at the same time. "Okay now I want you to think of that happiness and how it feels. Imagine that you can experience that happiness with all five senses..." We went on to discuss how her feelings would look, taste, sound, smell and feel like, and a half hour later, we had a beautiful prose poem written on her computer:

Green hues shine through the settling dust, My heart pounds noiselessly as the world stops All is lilacs and roses Lilacs and roses Your arms are my shield, Your tender lips a fleece blanket surrounding my soul. Such sweet seduction lies in this fantasy that can never be.

We both stared at the poem, reading it over and over again. "It's perfect," she whispered. "That's exactly how I feel." I admit I felt a twinge of jealousy. I was almost positive I knew which boy of hers the poem was about, and thinking of how his lips and arms made her that happy made me cringe with desire. It wasn't even about sex, just my desire to look into her eyes and see that kind of happiness spilling out of them for me. "Krissy," she asked solemnly, "have you ever felt this way? Like there was one person out there that you longed to be with, but you knew it would never happen?"

I smiled sadly. "Yes." You, Cassie. I looked over at her, catching my breath on her beautiful, sad eyes.

"Do you still see them?" I nodded slowly. I really hoped she would stop asking me about it, since she could always tell when I was lying and I didn't want her to guess my thoughts. "Often?" Oh it was getting dangerous now.

"Often enough." I hoped my obscurity would throw her off. She chuckled softly.

"Good answer." She looked back at the computer screen. "There are moments when I'm with them, and I just want so badly to tell them how much I love them, but I just can't."

"Why not?" I was determined to play the role of Best Friend instead of Jealous Secret Admirer.

She looked at me with those sad, sad eyes and smiled softly again. "Too much at stake."

"Cass," I began, "sometimes the risk is the only thing standing between you and happiness. The worst that can happen is your heart gets broken -- then you dust yourself off and try again. But the best that can happen... well you'll never know unless you try." It was good advice -- advice I could never even take myself.

"And what if the risk is something I'm not willing to lose? What if confessing my love costs me a friendship I cannot live without?" I felt a pang in my heart from her words. Whichever boy this was clearly owned her heart. Lucky son-of-a-bitch.

"If they are a true friend, they will never desert you because you've developed stronger feelings for them. A true friend will stand by you no matter what." My curiosity was growing. "Who exactly are we talking about, Cass? Is it Josh?" She swallowed once, and then shook her head. "No? Is it Kurt? Gabe? Ryan? Adam?" She shook her head each time, looking extremely nervous. I was running out of names. "Is it someone I haven't met?" Again she shook her head.

"So do you think I'll get a good grade on this poem," she asked suddenly. My jaw dropped open. She was changing the subject? Not even a smooth transition (I mentally awarded her a C-minus for tact)!

"Wait, wait, wait..." She turned her head so she wasn't looking at me. "You're not going to tell me who this kid is that you're in love with?" She didn't move. "Cassie, I am your best friend. We bare our souls to each other on a regular basis! If there is anyone in this world you should be able to tell, it should be your best friend. Right?" I waited but she didn't move. Her face was turned away from me, and I felt incredulous. I could not believe that for the first time in months she was shutting me out like that.

Then I realized that she was crying.

"Cassie," I cooed, my voice breaking halfway through. I'd seen her cry before, and every time it broke my heart to know that she was that sad. She shook her head and tried to turn further away from me. I reached out and tenderly put my hand on her shoulder. When she didn't pull away, I gently stretched my other hand out to her far cheek and pulled her face back toward mine. When her watery eyes met mine, they were filled with an expression I could not read. It was a mixture of sadness and agony and longing and desperation...

Wait. It couldn't be possible, could it?

We stared into each other's eyes for several long moments. Caught within the intimacy of that unbroken gaze, I realized that just as she was my salvation, I was hers. Our eyes wordlessly communicated a need so deep that we were both so desperate for. My heart began to crash in my ears as she leaned forward into the hand that was still touching her cheek.

Slowly, slowly, she lifted her lips up to mine. We kissed so gently, my head started spinning immediately, and my stomach filled with butterflies. Her lips were warm and soft, and they slowly moved in synch with mine. The tip of her tongue slowly caressed the junction of my lips, seeking entrance. With a slight sigh, my lips parted, and her silky tongue met mine. Her taste was exquisite, and the feel of her lips and tongue against mine felt so right, I felt tears prick my eyes. We began to explore each other's mouths unhurriedly, savoring every moment of contact. I caught her lower lip in between mine and sucked gently, then slid my tongue along hers as deeply into her mouth as I could go as she did the same to me.

"Mmmmmmmmhh," she moaned softly into my mouth. It was that moan that undid me. My heart galloped in my chest, and the hand that was on her cheek slid around to the back of her head, pulling her face even closer to mine. Needing very little encouragement, Cassie attacked my lips with a fervor only matched by my own. Our breaths turned quickly into pants, and our fingers, almost with minds of their own, began to leave burning trails on each other's bodies. We nipped at each other's lips and tongues, our fingers getting tangled in the hair we grasped as our bodies collided and pressed rhythmically.