The Legal Department
My office has a view which overlooks the city. At this time of day, I should be having a short break, but the financial industry is at risk of failure and we're in constant communication with the FDIC to ensure our bank's stability.
Stephanie is pacing around in my office. She still hasn't said what she wants, which makes me nervous. The woman is a corporate powerhouse who regularly appears on business networks and podcasts. She's practically an influencer at this point with a big social media following.
Finally she sits in front of my desk.
"It's nasty out there," she says. "The banking world has always been cutthroat but this is insane. I'm honestly impressed by how rotten people can be."
"Tell me about it. I've never been so stressed."
"Which brings me to my point. I need a favor. Legal advice."
"Personal or business?"
"Corporate."
"At the risk of sounding like a robot, my duty of loyalty is to this bank. My obligations are to the bank."
"I know, I know. But this is sensitive information. A bit personal."
"How personal?" I ask.
"Career ending stuff."
"Give me a ballpark. What are we talking?"
"Sex."
"Jesus. Sexual harassment? Or are you messing around with someone?"
Stephanie shakes her head. "Trust me, you'll want to hear this. I'm asking as a friend."
Everytime she says, 'as a friend,' it's a sneaky reminder that she got me this job. I'm making a solid annual paycheck thanks to her. A couple years ago she pulled a few strings and I went straight to the top of this bank's legal department. Yeah, I'll always be indebted to her and she knows that.
"Alright, let's hear it."
"Have you ever heard of the Skirt Length Theory?"
"Never."
"Well, the Skirt Length Theory suggests that the hems of women's skirts rise and fall alongside stock prices. If women wear short skirts, the economy is doing great. Longer skirts suggest the economy is doing bad."
"That's actually pretty funny."
"It's a gag theory," she says. "There's no evidence which suggests it's a real indicator."
"Yet, you seem so agitated at the moment."
"That's because the Skirt Length Theory has changed my life. This might take a while. If you're busy at the moment, let me know."
"You've piqued my interest."
"Wait until you hear this. The whole thing started when I was promoted to Chief Risk Officer last year. I got a new office, worked on a new floor, and I reported directly to the CFO of all people. To my surprise, that department was run exclusively by women. It was like this secret club."
"You know, I've been to that department a few times. I know what you're talking about."
"Notice anything about their skirts?" she asks.
"Come to think of it, everyone wore skirts"
"It was explained to me when I started working there. How it was an inside joke between the ladies where they'd wear skirts based on economic forecasts and stock performances. I mean, you should have seen the place when stocks were soaring. There were legs for days and it was borderline inappropriate for a corporate environment.
She continues, "One day, I was scheduled for a coffee meeting with the CFO in her office. While I was sitting in the lobby, I saw something that turned my world upside down. The door to her office opened and closed when a colleague was leaving. I had a glimpse inside and saw the CFO naked, it looked like she was in the middle of getting dressed."
"Totally naked? Or changing an outfit?"
"Totally naked. Head to toe. She wasn't even wearing heels. She was barefoot and everything was showing."
"Who knows, she might have spilled coffee on herself. These things happen."
"I considered that possibility," she says. "But the more I thought about it, the clearer the situation was. It was blatantly sexual. My colleague had a certain glow when she walked by, the post-orgasmic kind, and the CFO was so relaxed during our meeting later. Way too relaxed. You know, the whole thing about skirt lengths made sense. The little office game that women played. During the meeting, I remember thinking that I was the biggest fool in the world. That everyone knew except for me."
"What do you mean by that?"
"They were all pantyless beneath their skirts," she says. "Everyone. The only reason I figured that out was because my boss's skirt was perfectly smooth. No panty lines. After the meeting, I discreetly gave visual inspections to the women in my department. Same thing. No panty lines. These smart, talented, ambitious women were walking around with air between their legs."
"Are you sure? You've always been quick to overreact. Let's be honest about that."
Stephanie sits back and shoots me a stern look, but she knows I'm right. She acknowledges my point without saying anything. Then she gives a sly smile, as if she knows a secret. It's the kind of smile girls give each other at school when gossiping.
"I'm very sure," she says. "I learned more when I was called for another private meeting with my boss. The conversation was mundane and my boss asked random personal questions. I realized that she was getting a feel for my personality, seeing if I was the right fit for their private club.
She continues, "I'll paraphrase how my boss explained this to me:
'The work we do is extremely valuable for this institution. The hours are grueling and the stress is often brutal. Women have lost romantic relationships from working here. That's why it's imperative that we take care of each other. We're a team.'
That's basically what the boss said to me.
She continues, "As the implication was slowly sinking in, my boss lifted her skirt while looking me straight in the eyes. She was pantyless. I saw her vagina, cleanly waxed, by the way. And she was wet. It was a seduction and I froze."
"Did you face retaliation because you rejected her advances?" I ask.
"No, I did things for my boss. The truth is, I could make every excuse in the world. I could say that I was harassed, that I succumbed to pressure, or that I feared for my job and career. But the truth was, I did it because I wanted to."
The look in her eyes. Her body language. This is a side of Stephanie that I've never seen before. In all our years of being friends, the topic of sex had never come up. Dating and relationships, yes, but never sex. I've always known that she's ambitious. She's always been open about that. Is she sleeping her way to the top? My god.
"Jesus, that's wild. The CFO has always struck me as being a real bitch. Do people hate working for her?"
"Not exactly."
"I'm listening."
"That department has an interesting dynamic. Women are intimidated by the boss, but they're also crazy turned on. Every woman in the department knows. Everyone comes to the office without panties. I work alongside these smart, talented, amazing women and there's nothing beneath their skirts. Imagine that. Imagine the risk they take everyday.
She continues, "When I was called into my boss's office the following week, the same thing happened. It was under the guise of a work meeting, but she casually hiked her skirt and I saw the same thing. A cleanly waxed vagina that was wet. She expected to be serviced and I did it again. Part of me wanted to explore that world in all its perverted glory.
She continues, "I'd come to learn that it was part of their game, this Skirt Length Theory, whoever has the most accurate stock market forecast gets to visit the boss for a special reward."
I notice Stephanie shifting in her seat and she crosses her legs, rubbing her bare calf with one hand. She's wearing an office skirt, and based on her story, I wonder if she's pantyless. I'm tempted to check for panty lines, but it's too risky.
"Let me interject for a moment. As a lawyer, I want to be clear on this. You gave consensual oral sex to your boss?"
"Yes, and what makes me nervous is that several women have seen it."
"How so?" I ask.
"As I had come to learn, the CFO surrounds herself with like-minded women. Everyone works hard, these are the sharpest minds from the best business schools, with the most accomplished resumes. They also give great oral sex, meaning women-to-women. They'd take turns going to the boss's office to give updates on risk assessments, loan portfolio reports, and they'd get on their knees to perform. Sometimes two women would play with each other while the boss watched. Eventually I learned that the CFO preferred working naked. Apparently it saves time and it's a stress reliever."
"Oh."
My tone sounded judgmental, but it really wasn't. She picks up on that and tries to act polite. She thinks I'm judging her. I'm not. The reality is that I've been close friends with this woman for years and it feels like I barely know her. I'm also stuck in a limbo between my high-paying job and being her friend.
"You must think of me as a terrible slut," she says.
"No, just the opposite. To be honest, I understand."
"Why, because you find my boss to be attractive?"
"You're climbing the corporate ladder. That's what counts."
I dodged her question and I'm hoping she doesn't press me further. Of course I find her boss to be attractive. The chief-financial-officer of this institution is a highly seductive woman and anyone would be lucky to have her.
Stephanie smiles, as if she understands what I'm thinking. She shows mercy by preparing to leave. Hopefully she won't ask about my desires later.
"I know you're busy," she says. "I should be going. But if you could do me a favor, what do you think would happen if people found out about this? I mean, if regulatory agencies go further up our asses, or if we get acquired by another bank, what would happen to my career if people found out?"
"How would people find out?"
"When high-profile jobs start getting axed, jilted people could talk or spread gossip. That's the way it goes."
"And you're worried about your reputation and pension?" I ask.
"That's basically what worries me."
"Fair question. I've drafted countless sexual harassment settlements and non-disclosures for powerful men at this bank. This situation is different. I'll have to do some research and I'll let you know soon."
"You're a lifesaver. How about lunch tomorrow? My treat. Something expensive."
