Product tester required Chapter 1.
The advert was brief and ambiguous. The successful applicant will be scientifically analytical and capable of applying testing procedures to consumer products. They will have experience in product safety legislation and familiarity with safety standards. Blah, blah. But no mention of the type of products.
Joanne had recently moved back to her home town of Bath, back to her old family home after working for Nottinghampshire Borough Council in their Trading Standards Department. She had studied at Loughborough University where she met her soul mate, Sam.
After graduation she moved in with him in his home town Melton Mowbray. The relationship had taken a strange turn when she was isolated from her friends and he was returned to the bosom of his family and friends.
They welcomed her initially with open arms. But soon after every decision Joanne made about their flat seemed to conflict with the unwritten rules of style which were held by Sam's Mum and Sister's.
There was no end to their disparagement and Sam seemed incapable of seeing how pissed off it made her or standing up for her against some often quite vile bitchiness. Enough was enough when they disliked her choice of color of toilet paper.
"Are you taking the fucking piss?", Joanne ranted. "It's in the bathroom and provided to wipe your fanny with. Every and I mean every time you bitches come round here you find something that I've done to hate. If I behaved like that in your house you wouldn't put up with it. Now I'd be grateful if you'd take your opinions and leave."
There then followed a distinct lack of uninvited guests leaving. Joanne stared at Sam whose frightened face wilted in the direct beam of his mother's and Joanne's glare.
"Right, thank you Sam. You spineless twat. You're making this very easy for me." With that she went upstairs and packed.
Her relationship with Sam had been everything, but in the end he didn't even have the balls to fight for her.
She deserved so much better and whenever Joanne met new men they soon revealed major character flaws that she knew couldn't live with.
She had been volunteering at the Citizens Advice bureau while looking for a new job when she saw the advert and applied.
The interview was scheduled for the next week and she was then asked back for a second interview the week after, where the questions turned weird.
They wanted to know about her sexuality, which must be illegal to ask, so she answered asexual, wishing she could add, although it's none of your business. Then they revealed the products which were to be tested were sex toys.
The questions became more and more intimate. Have you ever masturbated with a non-vibrating toy? A vibrating toy? Has your anus ever been penetrated by an object as wide as a carrot, a cucumber?
She really thought this was a wind up, she was looking round for the hidden cameras and answering all the questions, "yes," or, "Oh larger."
Joanne had no intention of accepting the job.
Joanne's mum was livid when Joanne told her that she had no intention of accepting the opportunity of paid employment. She was faced with a stark choice. Accept the job if offered or find somewhere else to live.
Two days later the letter arrived. Joanne's mum lent the opened envelope against Joanne's tea mug when she came down for breakfast. Joanne read the letter already knowing it was a job offer.
Joanne started her new job just a week later. The lady, Yvonne who had interviewed her, welcomed her and showed her round the factory and introduced her to the Managing Director Raymond and his sister Geraldine who was also the Finance Director.
She was then shown to her office. It was spacious and well lit, a desk with a computer occupied the space in front of the window. A work bench occupied the wall to the left, a rack of simple tools was behind this.
The most impressive bench was opposite the window and contained some larger test equipment and shelves of oscilloscopes, multi-meters, scales and many types of electrical sensors and assorted scientific equipment.
Yvonne admitted to not knowing what most of the stuff in the room was for, but was pleased when Joanne was able to describe what a data logging unit was for and how it might be used to collect data onto a computer in a test that may last several days.
Joanne was then shown through a door on the fourth wall. The room beyond had no windows and although it was clean, bright and well lit when the fluorescent lights were on, contained much larger test equipment with the obvious facility to include human test subjects.
"This is the human test facility," Yvonne said slightly nervously keeping her eyes firmly on Joanne's reaction.
Joanne managed to keep her poker face. Looking more closely she could see at least there were no restraints and rationalized to herself that they seemed to be taking the safety of their product line seriously.
The last area in Joanne's new empire was the changing cubicle and shower, a small toilet room completed the tour.
"Well I'm afraid that I can only show you the documents and files, apart from that you know as much as anyone. The last incumbent and his assistant left under a cloud. The MD made it a policy that he would only employ women in this department."
"I understand. Will I get an assistant?" Asked Joanne.
"Yes, I completely forgot to tell you. We've been interviewing. The MD wants you in on the second interviews on Wednesday," said Yvonne.
They wandered back into the office and Yvonne showed Joanne how the filing worked. Joanne made notes on sticky notes and labelled the main documents she would need to familiarize herself with. The product testing reports complete with their test results for all existing products. Testing procedure files and European Standards relating to the product type plus some company internal documents for more specialist products.
The book shelves had some fascinating volumes 'human sexual anthropometric data', she couldn't resist having a quick leaf through it to check out the 95th percentile cock length.
Yvonne took her leave and told Joanne to spend the day between reading the test procedures and determining how to do them. If she needed any samples she should sign for them in the packing department, where they would make an order out to testing.
The first testing procedure Joanne picked up was for a variable speed / variable function rabbit style vibrator. The introduction laid out the scope of the procedure and the range, size and functionality of products to be included.
Joanne sat back in her office chair, looked round her domain and exclaimed "This is a fucking brilliant job."
With that she left the office and wandered to the packaging department. She was let in and welcomed by a young pretty woman who introduced herself as Beverley. Joanne introduced herself and told Beverley that she wanted samples of a range of the company's products.
