Having your husband leave you barely a year after your wedding is humiliating. Having him leave you for another man is worse. I spent months wondering if I had somehow failed or if I had driven him away from women. I blamed Andrew for misleading me and blamed myself for not seeing this coming.
We began dating late in our second year of college and quickly became exclusive. We married right after graduation. I was happy in our relationship, mostly satisfied in bed, and assumed that having checked off life's married box, I could now look forward to the successful career and motherhood boxes.
It took almost a year before the divorce was final. I was able to work out a way to keep the house we had just bought although money would be tight for a while. I could now look at the rest of my life and where it might go.
Friends helped me to face what had happened and why it wasn't going to unhappen. I found myself leaning a lot on Becca. We had worked together and had become friends early in my career. After she moved to another company, we remained close and I had attended her wedding to Katt.
Since Becca was lesbian, it might have seemed strange for me to complain about my husband coming out. Maybe though, she was the perfect friend to help me understand. She told me how she had thought she was gay as early as high school but denied it to herself and didn't have anyone to talk to about how she felt. Before she came out in college Becca had dated guys and told me that she still felt guilty, thinking that she had possibly misled them.
When we had "the conversation," Andrew kept apologizing. I was in denial about my life falling apart and wasn't ready to forgive him then. Now I wondered what might happened had he felt comfortable coming out before we got serious. I thought about his conservative parents and how happy they were when we announced our engagement. Maybe he was so busy seeking their approval that he didn't see what he was doing to me. Probably they suspected and were glad that he was marrying a woman.
Going to work hungover one morning, I decided that drinking was only going to add to my problems without solving anything. I needed to find a way to move on with my life so I tried counseling instead and found a good therapist.
A really good therapist who helped me to see what was and wasn't in my control. She got me to look less at what had happened and more about where I wanted to go instead. Did I want to start dating? What would it take for me to trust someone enough to think about remarrying? The career box was still okay but I needed to think about whether I wanted to recheck the marriage box and what about the one for motherhood?
Near the end of a weekly counselling session, she asked me to think about what I had lost by dating one guy for most of college and then marrying young. "What did you give up that you might have done if your life hadn't taken that direction?" She told me to think about it so we could talk about it next week.
I did think about it. A lot. On one hand, having grown up in a traditional family where I was taught that girls marry and have kids early, I was proud of finding someone so quickly. Some of my friends were blatantly jealous of me and if I didn't exactly gloat, I did quietly congratulate myself for winning one of life's battles.
But on the other hand, I was quietly jealous of my friends who used college as a time for fun, growth, and even experimentation. I wouldn't have wanted to try the pattern of friends who practiced serial monogamy, dating and sometimes sleeping with multiple guys each month. More common were the ones who would date a guy for several months, break up with him, and then look for someone else. It wasn't the number of guys I envied as much as the variety from which they were able to pick. Instead, I had sought commitment and assumed that breaking up would be a failure.
That's what I told my therapist the following week. She acknowledged my answer but pushed me further. What specific things might I have done if Andrew and I hadn't become a couple so quickly. My life became regimented early which probably locked me in for more than dating. Might I have changed majors? Run for student government? Done a semester abroad?
I admitted wishing that I could have joined two of my friends who were able to study in other countries. Maybe I would have joined some clubs if I hadn't had a boyfriend who I saw almost every evening.
Unfortunately, these were college experiences that, having missed my opportunity, I couldn't go back to try now. One thing I could do, she told me, was to not jump Immediately into another relationship, passing up more opportunities, until I was really sure of what I wanted. I hadn't played the field then but, if I wanted to, I could do that now. She reminded me that I didn't need to sleep with everyone I dated but that dating a range of guys would hopefully help me to find the real Mr. Right this time.
Dinner at Becca and Katt's. I told them about what my therapist had said and that, when I felt ready to date again, I wasn't going to get locked in to the first guy I slept with.
Katt smiled teasingly at me. "Are you sure it will be a guy?" Becca gave her an eyebrow raised glare.
I was used to Katt and her teases so I didn't take offense. "Yeah, pretty sure." I had some friends in college who experimented that way but I had a boyfriend and hadn't been tempted. I wouldn't have been tempted even without a boyfriend, right?
Was that right? I thought back to a party at Andrew's house where we were playing never-have-I-ever and truth-or-dare encouraged by lots of alcohol. Andrew's housemate, who could be weird when he was sober, tended to be an asshole when he was drunk and he dared my roommate to kiss me. She and I were also a bit drunk and with the encouragement of everyone else we did. We actually put on sort of a show, deep kissing and rubbing our boobs together. After, I was mad at Andrew's housemate, mad at Andrew for not stepping in, and mad at myself for going along with it.
My roommate and I never discussed it but I fessed up to Becca and Katt, telling them the story in what I thought would be an amusing way. Katt pushed me "Did you like it? Did you ever think about doing it again?
I gulped but told them the truth. It was nice in a way that was different from kissing a guy. I liked the way her lips felt and the softness of her body. But that was it. I was in a committed relationship and never thought about making out like that again with a guy or a girl.
Katt let it go but she got me thinking about some of my more daring friends who had experimented in college. It wasn't just sexual experimentation--they were just more willing to take risks than I had been. Being in a committed relationship might have actually been an excuse to live a safe life. Now that I wasn't in a committed relationship, might I be tempted to try different things like they had?" Was that included in what my therapist was asking about regarding catching up on things I didn't do in college? I would have to think about this one. A lot.
Continuing to surprise myself, I did think about it. I actually checked out a skydiving school before I chickened out. I considered some other exciting but less extreme activities but none of these appealed to me either. I also gave a lot of thought to my sexual history before and during my time with Andrew and what experimentation I might be willing to try. I've never had a one-night stand and maybe I should do that at least once. While I know of some sexual practices that sound hot, I'm not sure if they'd be as good in real life as they sound.
Katt's "are you sure it will be a guy?" question also jumped around in my head. I had always considered myself fully heterosexual but found myself thinking about when I had kissed my roommate. I finally admitted to myself how much I had liked it and wondered if she did. What might have happened if we had discussed it? I couldn't decide if I was really tempted or if this was just because I was still furious at Andrew and was looking for a way to get back at him.
There is no point in going to a therapist if you aren't going to be honest so I told her what I had been thinking about. She was non-judgmental but urged me to be careful and not just about jumping out of an airplane. I was still recovering from what I mostly viewed as a betrayal. Casual dating and maybe casual sex would be a good idea when I felt ready, but I probably wasn't ready to commit to a new relationship. I didn't feel ready for casual sex yet, let alone for something as complicated as experimenting with a same-sex relationship. Even if I was serious about that, she warned me that I could end up doing to some other woman what had been done to me by leading someone on. Once again, she gave me good advice and left me with a lot to think about.
Becca and I met up for lunch and she apologized for Katt's teasing. I told her it was okay and that, actually, she had gotten me wondering. She gave me her raised eyebrow look.
