Debbie, the RA, gathered all 50 of the floor's freshmen girls to the lounge for her standard talk. They crowded closely together, sitting on chairs and on the floor.
Girls, today I want to cover drugs, alcohol, and sex.
(A cheer went up around the room. Voices and laughter were heard: "Which do we do first?", "All three at once?" "Are you going to provide instruction?" and the like.) Ignoring the comments, Debbie continued.
Pot smoking is illegal, and alcohol is illegal because you are less than 21. It is part of my job to tell you not to use them (more laughter. Someone cried out: "But sex is legal. Right?"). I will also tell you that the prohibitions are only enforced if you use them to excess, or if you are caught selling to other students. As far as sex goes: Birth control, for those of you with boyfriends, is available in the Health Center.
(Another voice called out, "Do those who have girlfriends also need to use birth control?" Nervous laughter and chatter around the room. As the laughter died down Debbie continued.)
I know that many of you will have girlfriends in addition to, or instead of, boyfriends. In fact, this might occur more than some of you would have thought. You see, to save money, the university matched up roommates using a computer dating service. You probably noticed that many of the questions in that really long questionnaire you filled out were odd to ask in the context of your preference in a roommate. It used all the normal dating questions...
(From the crowd: "You mean like the question whether we wanted a roommate with big tits?" More laughter, and other comments like "No wonder I got you." with much elbowing of one another)
That was not one of the questions. As I was saying, it used the normal dating questions except that it automatically filled in, for the gender of the person you were seeking, female. Each of you was matched against the other 2,000 freshmen girls to find the best fit, the same way you would be matched if you were looking for a date, a lover, or a husband.
("Does this mean I have to marry my roommate?" More laughter. Several of the girls grabbed the girl next to them and, in a kidding way, kissed them, told them they loved them, they were their soul mate, etc., to much laughter. It took more than a minute for the laughter to die down and for the girls to stop their mock-kissing and caressing.)
Girls, the matching process does mean that we hope you will be very compatible with your roommate. (Another comment: "So the University does want us to screw each other?)
The University does not care about your sex life - so long as you don't get pregnant.
(Another comment from the group: "Debbie, I know how we can have sex without getting pregnant.")
Stop it! Let's just say that you should not be surprised if you are really compatible with your roommate who is, after all, a 1 in 2,000 match with you.
(Another shouted comment: "You mean we probably will end up making love with our roommate?" This time there was no laughter, just some nervous tittering, as all 50 girls stared at Debbie.)
Ignoring the comment, Debbie continued: Assuming you were honest when you filled out the form, we hope to have very few roommate transfer requests. In any case, you have to try your roommate out for at least three weeks.
(more snickers, with more than a dozen girls muttering the same comment, to the effect of, "what does she mean by "try out your roommate"?)
Also, you should know that the dormitory walls are sound resistant, but not soundproof, so please be considerate of your neighbors. Normal conversation cannot be heard in adjoining rooms. But, will your neighbors be able to hear your music and your parties? It depends how loud you get.
("What about our sex?" More laughter, with more murmuring, this time going on longer than before.)
That -- that's actually a serious question, so I am going to answer it. Again my answer is, it depends. As a practical matter, your boyfriends' sex talk and the sounds they make while you have sex certainly will not be heard outside the room.
(Now the room was completely silent as the girls listened.)
But the sounds you make while having sex as well as those of your girlfriends might well be heard, if you are loud. As a practical matter, if you do hear sex sounds coming from your neighbor, it could mean they are masturbating, or that they are with their boyfriend, or that they are with their girlfriend. Since the effects of the walls mean that you couldn't hear any male voices or sounds anyway, you won't know what your neighbor is doing.
(Another comment: "On the other hand, if you hear a woman cry out, "Oh, God, Susan, you give the best head ever." you'll figure out what's going on." (laughter))
Seriously, if you do come home at 3:00 am with your lover and your roommate is sleeping, please show consideration. It's one thing for you and your boyfriend or girlfriend to quietly enter and go to sleep. But even that should be cleared with your roommate - they might not be fully dressed and they probably wouldn't want a stranger to see them partly naked. You can't bring anyone home, boy or girl, if your roommate does not want them to sleep there. That's the rule. You all have to work with that rule.
And, if they say it's OK for you to bring someone home to sleep, but you are going to do more than just sleep, please use common sense. Some light kissing probably will not wake your roommate. But wild and crazy lovemaking with your girlfriend will for sure, and probably even if you do it with your boyfriend.
(At that point someone shouted, "Sounds like the perfect excuse for a threesome." More laughter in the room.)
If anyone wants to be part of a threesome with her roommate and her roommate's boyfriend, or with her and her girlfriend, that's your business. But you should not presume they will want to do this. You should not bring your girlfriend or boyfriend to bed with you figuring that if you do wake your roommate, she can always join you. That is not respectful - she might or might not want to.
("Give me 5 minutes to show her the advantages of a threesome and I guarantee she'll want to." More laughter, whispering, and tittering.)
"Debbie, my boyfriend doesn't make a sound when I give him a blow job. Or even much noise when we screw."
(Some of the girls then called out, "dump him", "ingrate", and "you should try girls instead")
Allison, you might be able to get away with giving your boyfriend a blowjob without waking your roommate. But don't any of you even think about giving your girlfriend head if your roommate is sleeping because that would wake your roommate for sure.
