My Destiny

Dear Readers, Thank you for continuing Elizibeth's journey down a life path she chose, not one dictated by her parents and family tradition.

I will be introducing the insidious disease of PTSD in this chapter. It does not discriminate, and while first responders and our Defence Personnel are at high risk of being struck down by PTSD, anyone exposed to trauma in their lifetime can be affected. The symptoms change from person to person. However, one consistent thing is when the victim hits the wall or rock bottom, their world becomes very dark and difficult to navigate. Patience, support from family and friends, and medical intervention will help those affected find peace and reach the light at the end of the tunnel.

The crash Elizebeth experiences in this chapter is based on my real-life experience. I have not included all the details, just enough to expose the reader to the pain and perceived humiliation our service men and women and first responders can experience.

If your loved ones or friends are suffering, don't be afraid to ask if they are OK. If you can find the strength to ask this simple question, you might save the life of someone dear to you.

It was a lovely spring morning, the birds were out and the first blossoms perfumed the air with their fragrance. I shared the joy of the moment with Grandma Beth as we sat on the veranda swing of her home. Growing up, I loved my annual holidays with this magnificent woman. She has a brilliant sense of humour, a sharp wit and personal integrity I hoped one day to replicate. We marvelled at the birds and flowers that surrounded us and laughed at the small jokes we shared. It was so relaxing sitting with her, just enjoying the world go by, it was my safe happy place that I was always reluctant to leave.

How are you doing sweetheart? She asked, I'm OK, just a bit tired It's been a long few years and I guess life has just caught up with me. She seemed to ponder my response before asking, "When are you going to stop running from your past and let go of your guilt? You do know you have nothing to be ashamed of?" I gave my answer some thought before telling her my troubles are complex and go back a long way. She was always the straight shooter, something I am proud to have gotten from her, she told me it wasn't my fault. What my father did is his shame to own and live with, not mine, and don't worry, dear, he will be dealt with when he finally gets here.

When I asked how she found out, she smiled and avoided answering by asking another question. What is really bothering you, sweetheart? I stared out into the garden for a long time before I could provide an answer.

I am still determining my direction. My rush and need to be perfect in life have begun to confuse me; I have even forgotten how to love. After all these years of fighting, I no longer know what my destiny is supposed to look like.

She held me to her chest for a long time, when you forgive yourself, the rest will work itself out. As for your destiny, what your future looks like will depend wholly on your achievements and mistakes, nobody can take that from you. You have all the building blocks of life, how you put them together is up to you, how you put them together is your destiny.

Her words struck a chord in me, and I felt a little relief flow through my heart.

We sat for a long time just watching the world go by, I was enjoying the peace I always found when I spent time with my grandma. Eventually I broke our silence, asking if she would be OK with me staying for a while.

You do know you can't stay? You have to go back. I knew she was right, but I didn't want to let go of her. She leaned over and hugged me tight before kissing me on the cheek. She told me I was doing fine and destined for great things. She let go of my hand and told me it was time. Don't worry, dear; we will see you again. I was sad when I looked at her smile, but turned and walked down the stairs and into her garden.

The sound of beeping machines seemed to infest my brain as my dreams seemed to take form around me. At first I was able to recognise shadows moving around me. These shadows began to morph into people I knew. I made out my sister Julie and best friend Bella holding my hands. Both were smiling but their features looked haggard. I think I saw my mother sitting next to me, but when I saw what looked like my father, I began to panic. I tried to speak and move but could not do either. My limbs felt like they were made of cement, while my head seemed to have a rock concert going in full swing. I tried to sit up and escape my bonds when a lady dressed in white came to my side. My panic slowly subsided as I slipped back into my dream-filled darkness.

Each time I regained consciousness, I was able to focus more on my surreal surroundings. The incessant beeping was always there but so was Bella. Occasionally she was with people in medical scrubs and other times Julie and my parents were at her side.

At first, sheer panic and anxiety preceded my return to the safety of darkness and dreams. Time seemed irrelevant as I struggled to make sense of this strange reality. Eventually, I escaped my weird, drug-induced slumber and woke to the early morning sunlight filling my room. Bella was asleep in a chair while a nurse looked at the medical equipment beside my bed. She said hello when she noticed I was awake and asked if I would like a drink of water. My voice worked enough to give a weak yes in response to her question.

My brain seemed full of fog as I tried to make sense of my surroundings; the smells, medical machines, and even the clean sheets added to my confusion. I worked out that I was in a hospital, but how I got there remained a mystery. I last remember sitting in a truck heading to Ukraine's capital for a meeting. Then, a bright light seemed to hit me, and then nothing.

When the nurse brought me my water and helped me take a sip, she woke Bella and told me I was awake. Bella came to my side, kissed my forehead, and cried as she said welcome back. She let go of my hand just long enough to send a message to Julie and my parents. She cried for both of us as she held my hand as tight as she dared.

My first visitor was one of my doctors, who took his time examining my many injuries. I'm glad Bella was present, as his explanations and comments made little sense to my still-scrambled brain. After he left, Bella helped the nurse get me comfortable before she brought me up to date.

I was in a military hospital in Germany and had been in a coma for nearly two weeks. They were told the truck I was in had been attacked by a Russian drone despite it being correctly painted and identified as a United Nations vehicle. Out of all the occupants, I was the only one to make it this far; sitting right at the back behind all the equipment protected me from the worst. The initial blast ejected me from the truck before it ignited and exploded. I was lucky that there was a doctor in one of the other trucks, and he was able to stabilise me before I was flown to the hospital. Due to my injuries, the surgeons decided to transfer me to Germany, where I could receive more specialised care.

I had been in surgery a few times to set my broken legs, and due to internal damage and bleeding, the surgeons had also decided to remove my spleen, uterus and part of my bowel. The biggest worry has been the severity of my head and brain injuries; the doctors couldn't give a definitive prognosis until I regained consciousness.

Bella told me she sensed something was wrong when the news story first broke; however, when my boss and a chaplain arrived on the doorstep, the family's worlds fell apart. Initially, there was no news of survivors; it was horrible. Fortunately, your parents were staying with us, and your father took charge of the arrangements for us to get to your side. With the help of your work, we were on our way to Germany within a day of receiving the news.

Before she could go into any more details, Julie, Mum, and Father entered the room. Father hugged me first and kissed my cheek before trying to sound serious, "I told you to be careful, young lady." Mum and Julie were not as stand-offish; they hugged me and cried.

They all stayed with me until the end of visiting hours. I asked them to take Bella back to her bed and make sure she got a good night's sleep. When they all left for the evening, I felt very alone and lost; my emotions were overwhelmed, and I was on the verge of panic when my father returned and took a seat next to my bed. I took his hand; he felt warm to touch, and despite our past, I thought he could be part of my future.

Over the next couple of weeks, my strength returned, and I was eventually allowed out of bed for the occasional visit to the gardens and fresh air. On one of these visits, Bella arranged a picnic lunch for us. My father surprised me with Helena, Michael Jr, Margot and Kevin, who had finished their school year and had flown out to see me. Bella sat beside my mum, and Julie sat beside my father. At the same time, the kids took sides around me. It was a simple meal, but the company did wonders for my spirit and will to recover.

Each day that passed saw my physical injuries begin to mend, I knew it would be a long time before I could run a marathon again, but being able to get out of bed and move around by myself felt like a great start to my recovery. However, for all the progress I made for my physical health, my mental injury recovery seemed to stagnate. My nightmares had become a constant companion to the point that I became scared of falling asleep. This, along with my threadbare emotions and scattered thoughts, my anxiety and depression began to consume my being. I was a mess, yet I wasn't able to ask for help, so I just kept bottling it up and tried to hide my shame and perceived weakness.

The night the kids surprised me, Helena stayed after visiting hours to keep me company for a bit longer. This was the first time we have been alone since she found out that I was her birth mother. We talked about nothing in particular, a bit like the times before she found out the truth. We were relaxed and even able to smile at each other again. Helena was the first to broach the topic about her real relationship with me. It was obvious she had spent a lot of time with her conflicted thoughts about her parentage and my relationship with her parents. She told me she was not ready to call me mum yet, but if it were OK, she would like to drop the Aunty off and call me Beth for the time being. I hugged her and told her that would make me very happy. I promised that when she was ready I would tell her the whole story, no omissions and definitely no more lies.

My father interrupted us at that point, as he wanted to make sure Helena got back to her accommodation in one piece. My father kissed me on the forehead before giving Helena a quick hug. It might have been my imagination, but he seemed to be trying to be there for his family; just the thought made me happy.

After they left me for the evening, my nurse arrived with my dreaded sleep medication. The nurses were sympathetic and delayed the sedatives as long as possible, but despite my requests, they wouldn't skip their duty to follow the doctor's instructions. Most nights one of the nurses sat with me as the medication took effect. They knew I was suffering with my nightmares and tried their best to protect me from my demons where they could. Many a night, I woke screaming from my demons to find one of these angels holding my hand and wiping sweat from my face.

Eventually, my treating medical team agreed my recovery was on track and I was well enough to travel home. The trip logistics were hastened when my father called in a favour and arranged a charter trip from a company that specialises in medical evacuation flights. Julie and Bella accompanied me back to Australia while the kids travelled to the States with my parents. While I wanted them with me, Mum recognised I needed space to adjust. The day we left Germany started well before dawn and in my opinion was a fantastic mix of confusion and plans going amiss. I was sad to say goodbye to the nurses who had helped my recovery but excited to get home and start living again.

It was 25 years to the day that I first arrived in Brisbane that we touched down. Even though it was early morning, the sun was out and full of warmth. The ambulance crew noticed the look of pleasure on my face and gave me a few minutes to enjoy the Queensland warmth before I was lifted into the back of a medical transportation for the two-hour trip home, albeit via another hospital bed.

Fortunately, I only had to spend another week in hospital while my rehabilitation program and home care support plan were put into place. Recovery was my primary focus so I had no issues with any of the programs that were put in place for me. My mobility continued to improve to the point where I was able to stop using a wheelchair and get around with the assistance of crutches.

The excitement of going home kept me awake during my final night in hospital. This didn't worry me to much as I was still shit scared of sleep and dreaming. I had to wait for my doctor to sign my release documents, and of course he was running late, but when he arrived his insanely happy bedside manner made sure I couldn't stay angry for long.

Both Bella and Julie arrived mid-morning to get me home, they bought me one of my old track suits for my hospital escape. When I changed, the loss of weight and body condition became evident, my clothes just hung off my once athletic frame, which was a bit depressing, but just added to my drive to feel normal again.

The trip home was filled with trepidation and anxiety, I was aware of the stress I had put my family through, and I was scared of what my current reality was going to look like. Not only did I have my injuries to deal with but there was also my work and the challenges I needed to face. I had convinced myself I would be able to regain my fitness to again be field ready, however, my employment rehabilitation officer tried to keep my expectations neutral on that front.

My immediate challenge was my need for some personnel care and attention. I had lost a lot of weight, my hair was a mess, and my panties looked like they had a koala bear living in them, given the amount of hair I had grown during my time away. I just wanted a bath and time with a razor.

Julie ran the bath while Bella helped me get undressed. They had seen the damage to my body while I was in the hospital, but standing in front of them, my skinny battered body shocked them both into silence and tears. I hadn't really considered how badly damaged my body was while in hospital but now, standing naked in my own house, the gravity of what had happened started to become real. I had never been ashamed of my looks, but at that point I wanted to cover my scarred body in shame. The new scars overlapped the old ones in a crazed pattern only a madman could design. My once nimble and perfect body was stiff and swollen, and my usually manicured and kept features lay in disrepair.

They helped me settle into the tub, both shocked into silence, afraid to speak, though their tears gave away the emotional turmoil they were experiencing. Once I was comfortable, they left me to enjoy the heat on my aching joints and the aroma of my favourite bath oils. They had even put on a disc of my favourite music, which allowed my mind to drift back to better times when life was simple and free of nightmares.

I could have stayed in my little cocoon, but I called for Bella to help me stand and dry off when my aches returned as the water cooled. Sucking up my pride and embarrassment from asking for help was a tough pill to swallow, I had always been independent and asking for help was a foreign act. Even though Bella was a very close friend, having her assist me getting out of the tube and drying off filled me with shame.

As I was still dependent on crutches and in their absence, help to get around, Bella supported me as I made my way to my room, where I found a lovely dress laid out for me. This small gesture nearly overwhelmed me, but Bella hugged me and told me to get dressed and come out to help with dinner when I was ready. I don't know when I last wore a dress like an ordinary woman. Except for the infrequent formal occasions I was forced to attend, I usually wore practical clothes, such as pants, shirts, and boots. My practical dress code also included unflattering utilitarian underwear--nothing flattering or seductive like my old days.

I picked up the dress to feel the material when I noticed that underneath a matching bra and panty set, the white lace was gorgeous and sensual to the touch. This time, I did have a little cry. These two intelligent and beautiful women could read me like a book. They knew what I needed to recover and find my normal again.

I did my hair as best I could, deciding a trip to the hairdresser was in my immediate future before I joined the girls in the kitchen. Despite being continuously told to sit and watch, it was like old times. We joked and laughed until tears ran down our cheeks. Dinner though was a little more subdued. Our conversation took us down memory lane, and we finished with a toast to our absent friends and family.

I didn't last long before my energy levels dropped and I needed to get to bed. Both girls helped me change into some PJs and get comfortable before kissing me good night and leaving me to sleep.

My nightmares attacked my mind like a full-on assault that night. They were like some horror movie that just kept playing over and over. Sometime during the night, I felt an arm drape over my shoulder and hold me; it was different and warm, and as such, I didn't fight it, and it comforted my tortured mind.

I woke confused the following morning; it took me a moment to register that I was not alone. Bella and Julie had joined me during the night and held me as I slept. My movements woke both of them and instead of rolling away, they tightened their embrace. Bella and Julie looked worried, but I assured them I would be OK. I just needed a little time to adjust. From that night onwards, one of them slept in my bed to help protect me from my dreams. They never discussed it with me, which I didn't mind; I appreciated their concern.

I knew the defences I had built up over the years to keep the demons of my past in control were failing. I was like a caged animal trying to escape my invisible shackles. The worst part of my situation was that I knew I was spiralling out of control and there was nothing I could do to keep my collapse from happening. The tremors in my hands seemed to grow worse each day, and following my release from direct medical supervision, my sleep was getting worse.

Eventually Bella and Julie had to return to their jobs, leaving me alone with my anger and growing hate. I convinced them I would be OK and had their contacts should I need their help. While my nights were a living hell, being alone all day with my thoughts and emotions was a living nightmare. I was so angry all the time; I couldn't settle and always seemed to be pacing. I hated crowds but couldn't stand being "trapped" inside. Despite my weak attempts to hide my emotions, both Bella and Julie started to see through me.

They tried to talk to me, but I never let them into that part of my world. They kept trying, but I kept them at bay.

It all came to a head about a week before the kids were to return from my parents' place so they could start their University studies. I woke in my usual foul mood following another night of dreams. My head felt like it was going to explode, and I couldn't seem to control my hand tremors. Before they left for work, Julie, Bella, and I argued about something so minor I can't even remember what the topic was.