Love Comes Later

Although we are "just friends," I feel closer to you than I ever have to anyone except my husband. I know that if he were still alive we never would have met...but I believe that he is always with me, and he knows that, after him, I could never love another man. After all, he also always knew that I was attracted to women as well as men, and he loved me just the same... I know that you love me in every way that one human being can love another, except physically...what you don't know is that I love you in every way that one person can love another, including physically.

If only I could let you know, if only you could wrap your mind around the possibility of a physical relationship with another woman, and how good we could be together. I think about you all the time...

In my fantasy, we're alone in your house, having a heart-to-heart discussion, and at some point I can't resist reaching out to take hold of your wide cheekbones and the strong angle of your jaw with my hands; as I often do, I look deep into your incredibly blue eyes...I love your eyes, your beautiful soul shines out of them.

Slowly, very slowly, so you have plenty of warning and can opt out if you want to, I softly kiss your lips; when you're serious or concentrating, the corners turn down, so you have deep grooves there, but when you laugh or smile, your lips are shaped like a bow and your whole face relaxes and lights up, and at those times my heart always leaps with joy. You return my kiss with more enthusiasm than I expect (I thought you'd be horrified), and I catch my breath and nibble and suck on your lower lip...my heart is pounding, I can't believe that you're letting me do this.

My hands slip to your shoulders as we kiss, and my arms can't resist wrapping around you and hugging you tight. After a while, we come up for air, both of us hot and bothered, and I let my hand brush along the side of one of your breasts, while looking at you tentatively for permission...your breasts are glorious, full and beautiful and round, and I want to touch them.

You moan a little, inadvertently, and almost turn away but you stop yourself and kiss me again; I take this as permission and touch your gorgeous chest lightly, tentatively...you hesitate again, and I remember what you said about how offended you were the only other time a woman touched your breasts. I don't want to offend you, I just want you to know how much I love you, and how attractive you are to me...and to make you so happy that you overcome your prejudice against loving another woman.

So I kiss your lips again, then slowly kiss the side of your neck while my hands slip down to your ass...I love your round butt, and those plump cheeks. I know you're not happy about having gained weight over the years (but really, if you were still a size 2, I'd be afraid of you!) but what you don't realize is how sexy the added pounds have made your ass.

While holding you and pulling your pelvis against mine, I kiss my way down the front of your chest as far as I can reach, then hold my breath as I start unbuttoning your shirt. I know that you might stop me...but you don't, thank God, instead you finish unbuttoning it yourself, then you surprise me by pulling my shirt over my head (of course, I let you!) and then removing your own. I catch my breath with excitement and start kissing the tops of your breasts...I stop and look at the big scar on your abdomen, evidence of the terrible accident that almost killed you as a child, and a reminder of the doctors who saved you...I touch the scar, mentally thanking those nameless surgeons, and start kissing around it.

You're reaching around behind me and trying to undo my bra, so I unhook it (so you won't have to struggle with it) and while I'm doing that you shrug your way out of yours...and now I really can't catch my breath, your breasts are so beautiful and perfect and round, and the nipples so dark and big, that I'm stunned. I'm scared to be too aggressive with them, so I go back to kissing them lightly at the tops, but your hands are now on the back of my head encouraging me, so I kiss my way down to your nipples and slip my mouth over one of them, barely sucking, just slowly mouthing it, terrified that you'll stop me or turn away. Instead you moan and arch your chest a little, your head back, and I'm emboldened...I slide to my knees and suck both nipples in turn, holding on to your waist and breathing quickly and shallowly...I'm so worked up by now, my panties are soaked, but I want this to be about you, not about me. I want you to be so fulfilled, so satisfied...

So I try to unfasten your jeans while my mouth is still on your nipple; your hands fly to mine and stop them, you whimper a little and then say your first words since I started this, "What the hell, what are we..."

I whisper "It's okay, it's okay" and then "I love you so much." Our eyes meet and you look at me with wonder and doubt and longing, and then your hands leave mine and you bend over and hold my cheekbones and kiss me, harder than before.

I whimper now, with relief and longing, and suddenly your hands are whirlwinds, unfastening your jeans and tugging them off and trying to get mine off as well, so I stand up and hurry to get out of my pants while you're pulling my bra the rest of the way off, then there's an awkward moment where we're each yanking the pants off our ankles, of course I lose my balance and almost fall over so you grab out to steady me...and we're looking into each other's eyes again, deeply...and then you deliberately reach up behind your head (oh my God! The way your breasts move!) and undo your bun and shake out your long blonde hair.

My heart is pounding again, I've always wanted to run my fingers through your hair, it slays me every time you wear it down (which isn't often)...so I slowly reach up with one hand and touch that amazing, silky hair. You grab my other hand in your strong grip (hands even smaller than mine, but so powerful!) and lead me to the bedroom. We sit on the bed, awkwardly, and all I can think to do is to reach for your shoulder and kiss your delicious lips...the kiss deepens and strengthens and I think I may die of hypoxia and happiness.

My hand slips to your thigh, stroking it, but it's clear to me that you're feeling awkward about what to do with your hands. There's nothing awkward about our lips, however! So I'm up on my knees on the bed, kissing your shoulders and down around your back, parting your hair so that I can kiss your shoulderblades.

We're both still wearing panties, so I try to remove yours but of course you're sitting on them...so I encourage you to lie back, you take the hint and scooch up onto the bed, which displaces your panties long enough for me to tug them down and you finish kicking them off. Now you're really breathing fast (but so am I) and looking scared...so I'm kissing your chest and your belly and murmuring over and over again, "I love you, I love you" until you forget that you're afraid of what we're doing.

Little moans escape you, and I get bolder and start kissing below your iliac crests toward your pubic bone...the thought of the anatomical terms makes me snort with laughter, and you say "What?!" (suddenly worried again)...

So I murmur "iliac crest" into your taut lower abdomen...which makes you snort with laughter too, thank God. I slide one hand under your butt, which makes your thighs part just a little. I see you, so wet and swollen and eager down there, and I want to make you so happy...I kiss your inner thighs with their strong muscles, and I'm so fired up that I'm half-panting, half-moaning into them. I can't believe how good you smell.

I brush my fingers over the wet lips, and suddenly your hand is there stroking your clit...which makes me incredibly relieved, because I know what I like but that doesn't mean I know what YOU like, yet anyway...and also, you surely must trust me (and you must be really turned on!) to be doing that in front of me. I waste no time slipping one finger inside you and stroking the most sensitive spot; this makes you moan and rock your pelvis and spread your legs and raise your knees and work your clit a little faster...so I add a second finger and try to match the speed of your hand with the speed of mine. Your breathing is faster and harsher now, so I rock back on my knees and put my other hand on your inner thigh just below your groin, and push...and increase the speed and intensity of my fingers inside you...and suddenly you're crying out and shaking and shuddering and I'm so grateful that you've come, that I've made you happy...

So I stretch out next to you, and stroke your forehead and your shoulder, and whisper "I love you" every few moments, until we both fall asleep.

I wake up at dawn, unsure where I am...then I recognize your bedroom and remember that I'm in your bed, and I remember what happened last night. But where are you? I look around; you're wearing a robe, curled up in the chair, looking out your window. I slide out of bed and say, "I have to pee," as I slip into the bathroom. There's a t-shirt hanging on the back of the door; I put it on and go back into the bedroom.

I can't catch your eye, which scares me; we always look deep into each other's eyes. So I slide to the floor and lean against your chair and put my hand on your leg...and you flinch away from me, just a little. My heart seems to freeze and stop beating; I struggle to breathe normally, and a moment later I'm able to say, very soft and low, "Are we okay?"

"I don't know," you reply.

I'm terrified; have I ruined our friendship? That's the last thing I wanted. I say, "You know I love you."

"But I'm not gay!"

I take a deep breath and say, "Listen, neither am I. Lots of women are very flexible in their sexual preferences, especially as they get older. Lots of women have loved both men and women. That doesn't make them all gay." You're still not looking at me. Somehow, I have to find the right words. "I love you. I loved you before I met you. I loved you before I was born. I will always love you. My heart CHOSE you; I think it recognized you right away, and the rest of me followed along...and this is the last piece of me to fall in love with you. Please tell me I haven't ruined everything we have...do you hate me?" I whisper that last bit, because you're still not looking at me, and if I never see your eyes again I'll die...you look at me, and there's fear in your eyes, and tears, and something I don't recognize but I'm afraid it might be shame. I can't bear the thought of you feeling shame...so I whisper "Talk to me..."

"I don't hate you, you know I love you, but I can't believe we..." you stop on a sharp inhalation, so I jump in (don't I always do that?).

"Can't believe what? That two people who love each other can't be attracted to each other, can't show their love physically?" I stop, afraid to say too much. Now you're looking at me, thank God. Trying not to break eye contact, I reach for your hand and try to hold it like a friend, not a lover. At least you don't pull it away. I wait, looking deep into your eyes, willing you to say whatever you need to say...the tears in your eyes start slipping down your cheeks, and I'm suddenly hating myself for causing you this pain. I'd rather die than cause you pain...so the tears are now welling up in my eyes, and I know that I can't trust my voice. I look at you, both of us crying, and wait.

Finally, you whisper, "I feel ashamed..."

"Oh no, no..." is all I can manage to get out, I'm crying so hard. I'm up on my knees, hugging you, and thank God, you're hugging back...I'm babbling something like "Please don't, don't be ashamed, I love you" and hugging you and stroking the back of your head...after a while, we've both cried ourselves out. At some point you had slipped down to the floor, probably so that we were on the same level since we were hugging each other so hard. I say, "I need a shower, I'll go get my clothes and go home..."

You reply, "No, you can shower here, use the other bathroom." So I find a towel, and shower, and get dressed. When I leave the bathroom, the house feels empty, and sure enough, I find a note on the kitchen table that says "went to work, see you later."

So I leave, drive home, change, run errands, and go to work, all the time thinking of you and how wonderful it was last night making love to you...and how terrible it is that you're hurt by it. I can hardly think straight, and I swing wildly from feeling grief and shame to feeling horny and wanting to kiss you again.

After a long shift at work, I drive home. To my astonishment, your truck is in my driveway. I pull into the garage and walk over to your driver's side door. You meet my eyes, and say, "Can we talk? Can I come in?"

"Of course, for heaven's sake, come in!" I close the garage door behind us, pour some iced tea, and usher you into the living room, where my cat makes a huge fuss over the fact that you've come to visit her (at least in her mind, it's all about her). I look deep into your blue eyes and say "Talk to me..."

You meet my gaze, and take a deep breath..."I don't know what to do. I don't know what to say. You caught me off guard last night, and I must have been feeling pretty horny, and I can't believe that I let you do that..."

I whisper "I love you" and stop; I'm so afraid that you're about to say we can't be friends any more.

But instead you say, "I've been distracted all day, I can't stop thinking about you, what the hell" and you reach out and take my hand. I bring your fingers to my lips and kiss them softly, and your other hand is suddenly behind my head and you're kissing my forehead, so the most natural thing in the world is for our lips to meet and kiss and explore...I think I must have died and gone to heaven.

This time, it's not something I've surprised you with, it's something you've come looking for...I'm breathing hard, and so are you, so we come up for air. You look into my eyes, and whisper "You're so beautiful," which is so outrageous that I burst out laughing.

"Oh my God, you're the beautiful one, not me!"

"I used to be, " you say, and I snort with indignation.

"Now you're being ridiculous, you're gorgeous, who cares that we're not in our twenties any more, youth is wasted on the young, remember?" You look away, and I say, very softly, "I've been attracted to you for a very long time. I guess I did a pretty good job of hiding it from you?"

"Yes," you say, and then more softly, "I'm attracted to you too..."

My heart is pounding, and I can't catch my breath, and I can feel how red my face is. "Are you okay?" you ask.

I say, "So much more than okay..."

You laugh, and reach over and caress the side of my face, and whisper, "Me too." I'm hugging you now, and we're rocking back and forth, and half-laughing/half-crying with relief. When we slow down, you start working on my shirt, tugging it loose from my slacks.

I say, "Are you sure?" and you give me a strong "Yes."

So I take my shirt off, and you say, "How can you deal with all those little hook-and-eye dealies in the front, for heaven's sake?" referring to my sports bra.

"Easy!" I say, and unhook them rapidly, but then I stop, worried, so you finish removing the bra for me, and start touching my breasts lightly, tantalizingly. I moan, and arch my chest, and suddenly your mouth is on my left nipple, sucking hard, and a bolt of electricity shoots straight from the nipple to my vagina, which contracts hard and soaks my underwear...so I'm moaning and panting and squirming, and you shoot me a naughty look out of the corners of your blue, amazing eyes, and disengage your mouth long enough to say, "Does that feel good?"

"Oh my God!" is all I can answer, and you make a sound that reminds me of a purr or a growl, and latch onto the other nipple. I HAVE to get out of my slacks at this point, so I reach for the hook at the front, and start pushing them down off my hips, and you grab the panties and push them down too...and push me back onto the couch, one hand squeezing my breast with your thumb doing something amazing to the nipple...now I'm whimpering with excitement and desire, and you murmur "You drive me crazy..."

"ME?!"

"Yes, you..."is all you answer as you start kissing all over my belly, slowly, while I squirm. My left hand flies to my clit, dipping into the well of moisture beyond it, and begins working it in the way I like best...but you grab that hand, and say "Wait" as you part the lips, exposing the clit completely, and then I feel your tongue, and your breath...and your teeth, God Almighty! I practically levitate off the couch, whimpering, and manage to say "Easy..."

"Sorry," you say, and then start licking it firmly instead. My clit feels like it's on fire, you're driving me crazy.

I feel your strong fingers entering me, and I'm moaning "Oh god, oh god, oh god" as you start stroking my sensitive spot, adding another finger ...I'm close, so close, but I can feel your tongue tiring, so my left hand volunteers and starts working my clit. Your head is resting on my right thigh as your fingers continue working inside me, faster now...and I gasp, and start shaking and crying out and contracting hard...

When I come down from the peak, you're looking at me, and you say "Was that good?" like you don't know, but you need to know.

"Uh huh!" I say, with your intonation, and you laugh...

"Your turn," I say, when I can finally stand up, take your hand, and lead you to the bedroom...

I close the bedroom door behind us, to keep the cat out; I don't want to share you with her! You're already pulling your shirt off, so I stop you by saying "Let me undress you, please?" and you shoot me a surprised look.

I finish pulling the polo shirt over your head, then move around behind you and unhook your bra, letting it slide off you. I'm kissing your shoulders, and you're starting to make that purring sound again...I reach around you and cup your beautiful breasts, trying to replicate what you did to me earlier with your thumb...into your shoulder, I murmur, "please let your hair down..." and back up to give you room as you reach around and remove the hairsaver that's holding your bun in place. The view of you doing this is just as beautiful from the back as it was from the front last night, and I catch my breath and say, "I love your hair..." as you shake it out.

I wrap my arms around your waist, and bury my face in your hair, and inhale the wonderful smell of your shampoo...from this angle, it's not too difficult to undo your jeans, but I need your help to push them down (and I make sure that your panties go with them). With them down around your ankles, my naked front is pressed up against your naked back, and it feels so natural and perfect...my hands cup your breasts, and start tweaking your nipples again (so big and erect), and your small strong hands come up and cover the backs of mine briefly, then you reach around and put them on my hips, which drives me crazy with desire. I want to make you come like no man ever did...

I release you, and give you space to step out of your jeans, then I lead you to the bed. I'm kissing your cheek and your ear and the side of your neck, as slowly as I can. You're stretched out on your side, on my bed (something I never thought I'd see!) and I'm next to you, kissing my way down your side and running my fingers over your beautiful smooth skin. Your eyes are closed and you look like you're happy, so I murmur, "I'm so happy" which makes you smile and purr some more...your fingers are lightly combing through the short hair on the back of my neck, which is giving me the shivers.

I roll you onto your back and start kissing the tops and then the insides of your thighs; you part them for me so I can keep kissing my way up...how is it that you smell so good? Your hands are on the back of my head, lightly, so I part the lips to find your clit (you're so wet!) and start tonguing it. Now I'm really in uncharted territory; I haven't done this before, and I'm afraid my tongue will get tired too quickly...so I plant my lips around your clit and start sucking. I'm just winging it here, but your response lets me know that I stumbled on a good idea; you're moaning now, and thrusting a little with your pelvis.