I think it was when I was 14 that it began to dawn on me. I pretty much figured it out when I was 16, but I still tried to deny it. It simply couldn't be. I finally had to just accept it when I was 18. That was when everything fell apart. My life ended June 24th, just after I graduated from high school. Well, that is probably being a bit too dramatic. No, I wasn't dead, although, it did feel that way for a while. And, in all reality, I was dead to my family. At least, to most of them. Perhaps I should go back and start from the beginning.
My name is Linda O'Malley. My I was born to Jacob and Susan O'Malley three years after my older brother was born. My parents had a small ranch on the central coast of California. No, we weren't actually on the coastline, but a little bit inland. We raised a small herd of cattle and grew barley that we harvested and sold. Aside from the long bus rides to and from the schools in town, it was a really nice life. Sundays were a really big deal for my family. We would all get dressed up, go to church, and then have a big barbeque with all my aunts, uncles, and cousins. Most of my extended family lived nearby, except for my Aunt Gail. Her dad, who was my grandfathers' older brother, had moved to Las Vegas after he had gotten married. Aunt Gail still lived there, and had started her own very successful engineering firm. She was really smart and VERY beautiful. It's sometimes hard to understand how she hadn't gotten married. She must have had her pick of men, although, I must say that I really didn't know her very well. I really only saw her at weddings and funerals because she lived so far away. Perhaps I should tell you a little bit about her, as she eventually had a very large role in my life.
Aunt Gail lives in the Las Vegas area. Her father passed away a couple of years ago. Don't be sad though. He had a nice long life. Unfortunately, heart disease is common in our family. Anyway, Gail is really smart. She went to college and eventually got a PhD in Mechanical Engineering. She is very focused and driven in anything she sets her mind to. That's probably why she has never gotten married, at least that's the theory being spouted by all my other aunts, uncles, and even mom and dad. They all refer to her as the Spinster Aunt who is too focused on work to find a husband. I know better now, but, at the time, that was the popular theory. As I said before, I only ever saw her at weddings and funerals, but she was always so nice and full of life. I had to admit, that she was my favorite aunt. She would always go with the family to church when she came out. She would make sure to sit up front with her Bible open and sing enthusiastically to the Hymns. I never saw her drink more than one glass of wine at any event. Although several of the single men attending would the church or at the weddings would attempt to curry her favor, she would politely rebuff their advances. Some of the cattier of my aunts would comment that she really needed to find a man to take care of her, or she would end up old, alone, and die a virgin. It never seemed to bother her though. We all finally just accepted that Aunt Gail just had no interest in sex. Also, it was without question that she followed the Bible's teaching that premarital sex was a very large sin, and she was intent on remaining as pure as the driven snow. (OK, I'll pause here while you clean the drink that you just spit all over this screen after reading that.)
June 5th, 2013
"Aunt Gail! O My Gosh! I wasn't expecting to see you!" I screamed as Aunt Gail walked through the door.
"Like I would miss my favorite Niece's Sweet Sixteen Birthday party." She responded as she held out her arms for a hug.
"Oh, Aunt Gail! You say that to all of my cousins!"
"Well, that's true, but TODAY, you are my favorite, sweetie. Happy Birthday!" as she gave me a hug and a kiss in my cheek.
Aunt Gail was truly beautiful. Actually, I was rather attracted to her in some strange way. It was very surprising that she showed up for my 16th birthday party too. I had no inkling that she would have drove for 8-hours just to be at my party. As far as I could remember, this was the first time that Aunt Gail had ever made a special trip out here for anyone's birthday. That day was magical. All my friends and family were there. I was finally allowed to date. My parents had forbidden me to date anyone until I was 16. Truthfully, really deep down, I wasn't very interested in going out on dates. Perhaps I need to go back a little bit more.
GTO:
I completely enjoyed Linda's birthday party and catching up with all my relatives. I decided to make this trip for a specific reason. About 6-months ago, I was out for a wedding, and I noticed a very subtle change in Linda. I had turned the weekend into a week long stay so I could catch up with everyone a bit more. I had been over to Linda's parents house one evening when Linda came in with one of her friends. My gaydar began flashing red, and not at Linda's friend Jill. No, the longing glances were coming from Linda herself towards her little friend. I saw major trouble ahead for a very sweet girl who didn't have the resources to cope with the firestorm that would eventually happen. I vowed to try and keep an eye on her and help pout where I could.
I did manage to corner her at one point and suggest that if she ever needed anything, I would always be there for her.
August, 2011:
It was the last weekend before school started. I had convinced my parents to let me have a sleepover. My four best friends were there, including Jill. She had been my best friend since Kindergarten. She was absolutely gorgeous. We did literally everything together. We were 14, so I'm not going to bother to describe her here. It really isn't necessary. Joan and Mellissa were just bit players here, although, they were still really good friends at that time.
We did the usual 14-year old girl stuff that happens on a sleepover. No - you perves - not THAT!! What's wrong with you? We were good Christian girls! Well, we did one thing that night. It was actually very innocent, but it started the ball rolling down the hill that caused my world to end. We were just about to enter the world of High School. Boys had become a topic of discussion in more favorable terms than before. It was late, and my parents and older brother had long since gone to sleep.
"I saw Sam last weekend." Jill began. "He has changed a lot over the summer. I think he has been working out in order to get on the JV football team."
"Ohhhh. I wonder if he likes me." Mel dreamed.
"I'd like to kiss him." From Joan.
That started the fateful conversation. It eventually devolved into a discussion on kissing. It was naturally just assumed that we were talking about kissing boys, and, in fact we all were. Finally, the question was asked. I don't remember who actually asked it, but it was thrown out there. "Have any of you kissed a boy yet?"
Spoiler alert! None of us had.
We talked and giggled about that for a little bit, then decided to try practicing on each other. We weren't experienced enough to know about using our tongues, but it was still really nice. Kissing Joan and Mellissa was nice, but when it came to Jill - WOW! We really didn't do anything much different than I did with the other two, but, for some reason, it was a lot different. Of course, I didn't understand why at that point. Finally, we decided that it was time to actually get some sleep, so we put on our jammies and went to bed. I had two twin beds in my room for some reason, so Joan and Mel took one while Jill and I had the other.
I woke up in the morning to a body pressed up against my back and an arm wrapped around me. I can't describe the feeling of comfort that I felt at that moment. Then, I realized that I was getting butterflies in my stomach and a strange feeling a little lower. I pretended to still be sleeping and wiggled a bit until I had rolled over and was now laying face to face with my arm over Jill. WOW! Her skin on her back was so silky smooth. This just felt so right. Suddenly, I felt her jerk and move away. Quietly, she slid off the bed and crept out the door. Years later, I looked back to that night and realized that was the night when everything started.
Highschool started, and for the next two years I continued hanging out with my friends. I played soccer and was active in FFA (Future Farmers of America for you city folks). I was fairly popular and had my share of attention from the boys. There were a few boys that were very nice, but I was never really attracted to them. Also, my parents wouldn't actually let me date until I turned 16. Looking back, it seemed that I was always happiest when I was with Jill.
Finally, I turned 16. I got my drivers license and could date. I did go on a few nice dates through my Junior year, but never really felt anything from the guys. No. I never did anything sexual. I was a good Christian girl.
CLARITY - IT CAN'T BE!!
About mid-January, Jill called me crying. I sped over to her house to see what was wrong. As I was holding her while she cried on my shoulder, she told me about how she had seen her long-term boyfriend walking into the movie theater with another girl. I just held her and whispered that it would be OK as she was bawling. I felt so complete there as I held her in my arms. I kept thinking to myself that I'm glad that they broke up, because he was never good enough for her. She needed someone sweet, and kind, and who would never hurt her. Someone like ... ME?????
It suddenly hit me! I was in love with my best friend! OH NONONONONO! I can't be! I'm not a lesbian. Lesbians were sinners. Homosexuality is an afront to God and are to be shunned by all good God-fearing people. I sort of zoned out on Jill as all this was going through my mind. Thankfully, she was too busy in her sorrow to notice. I was able to keep all that inside, and she eventually cried herself out.
