I left my husband's office holiday party early, complaining of a headache. Those events just weren't for me--egotistical lawyers and tartish legal secretaries getting drunk and exchanging suggestive language? No, thank you. After the third curvy woman blatantly grabbed Adam's ass, to which his biggest protest was a huge smile and a "how're you doing" (Tina or Naomi or whatever the bitch's name happened to be) I decided I'd had enough and called for a cab.
In Michigan where I grew up, we always hoped for white Christmases. In L.A., to where I'd moved fifteen years ago a wide-eyed, naive babe in love, a precipitous Christmas meant rain. At least southern California was trying, I thought as I fumbled in my purse for the key amid the monsoon.
I surprised Kaylee, the babysitter, when I rushed through the front door dripping wet. She leapt up from the sofa.
"Lauren! You're soaked. Let me get you a towel." She darted down the hallway to the linen closet. I expected her to just hand me the towel when she returned, but to my surprise she wrapped me in the plush terry cloth. "They're saying to expect landslides. It's crazy."
She jabbered away about what she and the kids had done that evening as she dried me off. I stood still and listened to the sound of her voice. I liked Kaylee. Not just because she was a good babysitter, but because I admired her so much. She was smart and self-assured, a junior at Berkeley studying to be a social worker.
She was tall and athletic, with bright blue eyes and light brown hair that she always wore in an unruly ponytail. I suspected, knowing how fickle youth could be, that she was considered plain by people her own age because she didn't wear much makeup or dress seductively. However, she had the kind of natural beauty that would stick around long after her "hotter" peers lost their bodies to babies and their over-tanned skin to wrinkles.
"Where's Adam?" she asked, suddenly realizing he wasn't with me.
"Still at the party," I replied, and burst into tears.
"Are you okay? Come sit down." She led me to the sofa and turned off the TV. "What happened? Tell me."
"I'm fine," I sniffled, embarrassed at my outbreak and her motherly treatment. "I just get a little homesick this time of year."
Kaylee smiled. "A lot of people I know spend the holidays with friends if they can't make it home. Maybe you should too."
I dabbed my eyes with the corner of the wet towel. "I don't have any friends," I lamented. "There are other couples we see, but they're all Adam's friends. That's what my life is! Everything is Adam's and I'm just along for the ride. He's such an asshole!" A new wave of tears shook me. I was ashamed to blubber to the babysitter, but it had been a long time since anyone took the time to listen to me.
"You've spent the last fifteen years being a wife and mother," Kaylee said. "Maybe it's time to do something for you. You could get a job."
"And do what? Don't take this the wrong way, but I used to make fun of women like you. I thought women who went to college just weren't pretty or coy enough to find a man to take care of them. That's what my mother always told me."
Kaylee smiled. "Not all women are looking for a man."
"Oh, don't worry," I assured her. "There will still be a few good ones left after you graduate. The trick is to not make more money than them. They hate that."
"That's not what I mean," Kaylee replied. "Didn't you know I was a lesbian?"
"A what?" It took a moment for her words to sink in. "You are? YOU? But you're so...."
She grinned. "What? C'mon, tell me."
"Um, feminine."
"We're not all flannel-wearing butches with mullets!" she laughed.
"I'm sorry," I said. "I've never known a lesbian before. So what does that mean? Are you attracted to me?" I thought of all the times I'd run around the house, giving her instructions in a half-zipped dress while tugging on pantyhose. Was that the same as being partly undressed in front of a guy?
She cocked her head to the side. "I think you look really pretty right now."
"Are you kidding?" I ran a hand through my soaking hair. "I probably have mascara all over the place."
"I've always had a thing for tall redheads," Kaylee explained. "I like tall, wet redheads even better."
The bold double meaning in that statement took me off-guard. "Are you--coming on to me? You know I don't...swing that way or however you say it...."
"Yeah. I used to not 'swing that way' either," said Kaylee. "Then I met Elaine. One night with her was all it took to ruin me for men forever."
I felt a rush of heat throughout my chilled body at her brazen way of speaking.
"Do you want to know what it's like, Lauren?" she murmured, pulling an errant strand of hair away from my face. "I can show you."
I had time to pull away. I could stop this before it began. In my mind I said "no" a million times, but the word never actually left my lips. Maybe, if Adam were a better husband I would have called her a degenerate. Maybe, if I didn't feel completely useless I would have turned her out in the rain. But I was lonely, and something within me told me to grab the comfort being offered to me, the chance for fulfillment. What did I have to lose?
"Adam won't be home for at least another few hours," I choked.
"You won't be sorry," Kaylee breathed. Leaning in toward me, she opened my mouth with hers. It felt warm, soft, so unlike Adam's thin, demanding lips and scratchy chin. I kissed back, for the first time in years worrying if my technique was good enough. The kiss grew increasingly deep and sensuous over the next few minutes, not merely an obligatory precursor to sex but a sex act in itself.
Kaylee's hands cupped my face, moved to the back of my head, through my hair, then alighted on my shoulders. I felt the spaghetti straps of my evening gown release their hold on my body. It was too much, too soon. I panicked, stiffened and fidgeted.
Kaylee sensed my discomfort and pulled away. "Don't make me stop," she pleaded. Beads of perspiration had appeared on her forehead. "We can slow down, but please don't make me stop."
"I don't know--it's just--I'm trying...I think...." I felt a warm rush of blood to the cheeks. How humiliating to be so flustered around someone nearly half my age.
"Don't be ashamed!" Kaylee said. "Being with another woman is a lot less scary than being with a man. Men are full of hair and angles and parts that do weird things. There, that got a smile out of you."
