Imagine this: There's a trendy, modern office staffed mostly by young professionals. Phones beep or vibrate at the same time, employees lucky enough to get a text smile at what they're seeing. You're in the same age bracket, but you didn't get a message. You wonder if there's a secret group chat you're not privy to. You wonder why this stings so much.
That's what I'm feeling at the moment.
What's baffling is that I pride myself on being the cool 29 year old boss. I encourage people to dress how they want, we have parties, I order catering from hidden gems in the city. We currently have 32 employees and last year we leased this office floor on a commercial building.
And that, I think, is why this stings the most, because I've given 32 people awesome jobs and things are happening behind my back.
I explain this in a private session with Katt, our newly hired performance coach. In her early 50's, she's the oldest person here, and I value that experience. She considered retiring from the profession but I was able to nab her. The prospect of working with a younger crowd appealed to her.
"You're not alone," she says. "People are sensitive to being left out. It doesn't matter if the exclusion was intentional or not. It's part of human nature."
"Has anyone here mentioned the same thing? Or have I become psycho?"
I notice Katt shift in her seat and purse her lips. True to form, she never breaks, never reveals anything, putting herself back into neutral position.
"You're not a psycho. And I'm not at liberty to discuss other employees. What I'll say is that more can be done to create a cohesive environment. If you'd like I can draft a few ideas and email them to you."
"Yeah, that'd be great."
"Excellent."
"How's everything else?" I ask. "Are people happy working here?"
"They enjoy working in a lively environment. Everyone is optimistic. Everyone gets to be creative. I must admit, I feel the same way."
"You know, hearing that made my day a little brighter. Thank you."
"Thank yourself. You should be proud of what you've accomplished."
After a hug I leave her office. Back to the bustling sound of a workplace.
What I neglect to tell Katt is that I'm fairly sure I know the source of the newfound office cliques. Several months ago I received job applications from three girls who bullied me in high school. When I say bullying, I'm not exaggerating.
High school was a nightmare because of them. I was 15 at the time, tall and lanky, very awkward, shy in a goofy way. My eyebrows were also a mess. I didn't make the volleyball team despite my height and that led to their taunts. Passive aggressive tones, wrapped in bow tie smiles. In the cafeteria ketchup or yogurt would be flung at my back, sticking to my long hair. I'd turn around to see them giggling, but no one looking at me. Panic attacks came soon after.
That was my life from 15 - 18 years old. Later I'd come to learn that I developed bullying-induced PTSD from these formative moments in my life. A wonderful therapist helped me unpack these feelings and allowed me to heal, but these things never heal completely.
I can honestly say that the experience made me a stronger person. Getting bullied does something to a person's psyche. It's a sink or swim type thing. It can ruin you. Or it can make you more resilient because you've already been there and done that.
So yeah, it was ironic when I saw their job applications several months ago. Deleting their applications was so fucking tempting -- or the thought of dragging them around multiple job interviews just to reject them was equally delicious -- but I don't believe in revenge. In fact I'm against revenge as a whole. I think it's pointless. Carrying anger around for years and years can do more damage than the initial offense, that's my philosophy.
On a more practical note, those girls had the skills I was looking for. Social media personalities with the amount of followers to back it up. They each had around 50-100 thousand followers from documenting their lifestyle as young women navigating professional life. That's why I hired them. Business is business and they bring financial value.
They were gracious when I hired them and they apologized privately for what happened in high school. Do I regret my decision? I can honestly say that they've driven the most revenue since being brought on board. They write content, cut videos, and work autonomously. These girls are valuable assets and they know it, so they can get away with whatever they're doing.
But I'm human, sometimes I doubt myself.
The sound of people typing on their laptops and having conversations is always comforting. The city view surrounds us. Abbey is getting a cup of coffee, she's a zesty 21 year old, the youngest on our team. She's always vocal with her opinions and I need that right now.
For the sake of my own sanity, I grab her attention.
"Hey, let me ask you a question," I say.
"Sure."
"Would you hire girls that used to bully you?"
"How exactly would that scenario even happen?"
"Let's say, you start a business, it grows, and your former bullies apply for jobs."
She roars laughing. "Fuck no."
"Even if they're useful and drive revenue?"
"They can drive revenue up their asses."
"Got it."
I hang around the office and Greg passes by. He's a 46 year old in charge of our small legal team. As a lawyer, he's level headed, so his advice must be solid.
The same question is laid bare for him. He thinks.
"Yeah, why not?" he says. "No one is ever the same from high school. People mature. It also depends on the landscape. If they're the best options available, if they can be loyal, then move ahead."
"Thanks for the moment of clarity."
"Why are you asking?