Forbidden Feelings Ch 08 09

VIII

Around noon on Sunday, I received a text message from Leah. "Travis left for band practice. Come over if you want. Kids home though." While I really did want to be alone with Leah, I wasn't going to let her know that, so I responded back, "Be over in a few."

Shortly after, I told Gabriel, who was about to turn on the Formula 1 race, that I was going next door for a little while, but I should be home for dinner.

I knocked on Leah's door, and I heard the kids running to the door. I was surprised to see that Samuel reached the door first, but Madison wasn't far behind.

"Hi Samuel. Hi Madison," I said when the door was opened. "How are you?"

"Good," Madison replied while Samuel was now trying to hide behind the door.

"Is your Mommy here?" Just as I got the question out, Leah came around the corner.

"Hey there," she said as she gave me a sexy smile, unbeknownst to the kids. "Let me just get the kids set up with a movie, and then we can go upstairs to talk."

I caught Leah wink at me as she followed her children into the downstairs play room. I heard Madison ask to watch Aladdin. I stayed in the hallway because I didn't want to intrude.

When the kids got settled and the movie started, Leah left the playroom. She found me sitting on the steps.

"You do know that television isn't a babysitter, right?" I asked her with a grin on my face.

"Of course, that is why I put on a movie. Gives us eighty-four minutes, instead of however long it takes to get to get to a commercial break." She gave me the same grin back.

I opened my arms and legs to let her in between so I could hold her.

"We can't do this here," she told me. "Let's go upstairs."

As Leah walked past me, she lightly touched my hand, and ran her fingers up my arm. When her hands left my body, I got up and followed her upstairs.

Leah sat down on her bed as I shut the door, careful to leave it open slightly, in case one of the kids called for her. As I knelt down on the bed, on either side of her legs, she moved back just enough to give me more room. My left hand went behind her head and pulled her in for a kiss. My right hand was helping to hold me up, but it was weakening with every thrust of her tongue in my mouth. I helped her lay down without breaking the kiss.

As I leaned down on top of her, my left hand went under her shirt. I could feel her erect nipples though her bra, and almost immediately I'd pushed her bra out of the way. I rubbed her nipples, and then pinched them at random intervals. I could feel her moan into the kiss. I felt my right hand about to give out on me, so I laid myself down on the bed next to her, while I pulled my lips off of hers for a quick second.

Once I laid down, and wrapped my right arm around her, her lips found mine again. Her right hand headed up my shirt, as I let my left hand start slowly down her pants. Almost instantly, I felt her tense up and push me off of her.

"I can't do this anymore," Leah said as she moved out of my arms.

"What? Why?" I asked, confused as all hell.

"I just can't," she whispered not looking at me as she put her bra back in place.

"Leah, talk to me. What's wrong?" I asked softly.

She didn't answer me or look at me. I tried to place my hand on her face but she backed away.

"Did Travis find out?" I questioned.

"No," Leah responded in a barely audible whisper. She still couldn't meet my eyes.

"Did your conscience finally get to you?"

Again, there was no answer

"Is that it? Are you feeling guilty?"

Leah shrugged.

"Please, tell me what's wrong?"

She didn't answer me.

"Did I do something wrong?"

"No. You did...everything right, Calie," she said but still couldn't look at me.

"Then what is it?"

"I don't know."

"Come on Leah. Please talk to me." There was a plea in my voice More silence.

"Was I just some experiment? You don't get it from Travis, and you knew I'd give it to you?" I was getting loud because I was getting annoyed at her. However, I caught myself when I remembered that her kids were downstairs. "Tell me Leah, did you really ever have feelings for me? Or did you have this planned all along?"

"I just...can't do this...anymore, Calie...I'm...sorry." Leah cried. Tears poured out of her eyes and ran down her cheek. I felt so bad that I had raised my voice to her.

I moved to console her, and she moved away from me again.

"Well then," I said solemnly. I couldn't take this anymore. "I think it may be best if I leave."

"Okay," Leah whispered so low that I could barely hear her.

My heart was breaking, and I didn't want her to see me cry. I got off the bed, and walked toward the door. I stopped in my tracks and took once last glance at Leah. She had her knees pulled up to her chest. Her arms, wrapped around. Her face, flooded with tears, was lying on her knees. I started crying just looking at her. I couldn't hold my tears back anymore.

For the last week she had been my life. My reason to breathe...my reason to wake up each morning. I knew we had only been 'together' for a week, but it had been right out of a fairy tale. I left the bedroom and walked down the stairs. However, when I got to the front door and placed my hand on the knob, I stopped. It killed me leaving Leah like that. Whether she wanted me sexually or not right now, I still wanted to be her friend. I needed to make sure she was okay. I had to forget about my own desires and needs, and help her through this; find out what was bothering her. I just wanted her pain to go away.

I wiped my tears on the sleeve of my shirt, and turned around to walk back up the stairs. I had left the door ajar, and I was able to see that Leah hadn't moved. Tears were still streaming down her face.

I opened the door so I could walk in, and I sat down on the bed next to her. I tried again to wrap my arms around her with only the intention of consoling her. This time she slid easily into my arms. I held her tight against me, rubbing her back, and running my hand though her blonde hair. We embraced in silence as I let her calm down. If I couldn't have her in the way my body craved, then I would have to settle for this. She felt so good in my arms, but my heart was broken. Something had gone wrong. I wanted to fix it...make the world perfect again for her, but I didn't know how and it killed me.

Leah calmed down as I held her, and I heard her start to mumble something.

"I can't hear a word you're saying," I whispered in her ear as I continued to rub her back.

Leah moved away from me slightly so she could look at me.

"I am so sorry," she said as her eyes filled again.

I put my hands on her face, and I wiped her tears away with my thumbs. Then I held on to her chin as I gazed down into her eyes.

"Leah, I told you, you don't have to apologize for anything. I just want to know what's wrong. I need to make sure that you are okay. Remember, we have to be completely open and honest with each other," I told her as I continued to hold her chin between my thumb and forefinger.

"I saw you this morning in the shower with Gabriel," she said coldly.

I let her chin go. I had forgotten that the bathroom faced her house, but at least the window in the shower was high enough to only show my head and shoulders. Since Gabe was taller than me, his chest could probably be seen too. That was with the best angle of view for an outside person, otherwise, only the ceiling could be seen. We had just forgotten to close the curtain...that's what happens when we rarely use that shower.

"So, were you watching us?" I asked her. As much as it was creepy, I could actually feel my body get excited at the thought.

"No...I mean, I didn't mean to see you," she replied. "I was walking past my window, and glanced up because I saw the light on. I'll be honest, Calie, I felt jealous. But, I walked away to give you some privacy."

"Gabriel is my husband," I whispered as I softly moved hair out of her face that had fallen out of place.

"I know," she responded. "I don't know why I got jealous. I just did. I wanted to be the one in the shower with you. I really thought I'd be okay with what we had, but now I'm not so sure."

"I'm sorry you feel this way, but Gabriel and I are still going to be with each other," I said. "I didn't mean for you to see us, but I'm not going to apologize for doing it. I'm not going to stop making love to him."

"I know. I understand. I don't know why it bothered me so much this morning. I mean, I thought about it...about us. I'm fine now. I really am. I just am beginning to really feel like I'm in too deep," she responded as she looked me straight in the eyes. Then her eyes shifted so she was no longer looking at me. "And then, when you asked if this was just an experiment...that hurt Calie. That tore me apart worse that seeing you and Gabriel together."

"Oh God, Leah. I'm so sorry I lost my temper," I took her back in my arms again. I knew my words had stung her, but I'd not known how much. "I just never thought I'd lose you, and in an instant it seemed like whatever we had, was over. My fears overcame me."

I pulled Leah tighter in my arms and she wrapped hers around me.

"Calie, you were never an experiment," she said without leaving the embrace. "It was so much better than I could have dreamed. I've loved everything about this past week. I've loved the time we've spent together. I've loved how you made me feel. But my problem runs deeper."

"Listen Leah," I rubbed her back as I spoke, "we will work through this. I promise. Just please let me know what the problem is."

Leah was silent for a few minutes while she seemed to gather her thoughts.

"Calie, I think I've fallen in love with you."

Her words hit me like a freight train; it had never even crossed my mind that she was ready to use the "L" word. Sure, I had tossed it around in my head, but I couldn't believe that she was saying it out loud. It seemed too soon. We had only spent a week together, and it was more like one full day and three evenings. Even with everything that we talked about in the last few minutes, I hadn't seen that coming. How could she really think she loved me?

I felt constricted in her arms so I pulled away.

"I'm sorry," Leah said as she turned away from me. "I shouldn't have said anything."

"No, Leah. It's okay," I responded as I placed my right hand on her upper arm. "I needed you to be honest with me, and you were. Thank you."

"Yeah, but now you are upset," she replied.

Just as I was about to respond, Madison yelled up the stairs that the movie was over.

"I'll be right there, Honey," Leah yelled back before turning her attention back to me. "I'll be right back. Will you still be here?"

"Of course," I answered her solemnly. "Where else would I be?"

I glanced up at her and she nodded her head before getting up from the bed to change the movie for her kids. I pulled my knees up to my chest, and wrapped my arms around them, like Leah had done a little while ago.

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I didn't know how I should feel. I did know that I didn't want what Leah and I had to end; but at the same time I didn't share the same feelings that Leah had. Sure, I loved her, but only as a friend. I wasn't in love with her, and I couldn't understand how she thought that she was in love with me. It was too soon...and too wrong. We were both married. I knew that she was no longer happily married, but I was.

I felt like all of this was my fault, like I had led her on. Sure, she had kissed me first, but I could've pulled back. I could've lied to her, and told her that I didn't want to go further than that one, amazing kiss. I shouldn't have given her the option to go further. I didn't know where to go from here.

I heard Leah come back up the stairs and enter the bedroom. She sat down in front of me on the bed and used her left hand to hold herself up. She placed her right hand on my cheek. Her thumb grazed my lips and my wanton body wanted to betray my head.

"Listen Calie," Leah said as she looked me in the eyes, "I realize that was hard to hear, but it was the truth. I'm not asking you to feel the same way, nor do I expect you to. I just needed you to know. I needed it to be in the open."

"Where do we go from here?" I asked her.

"That is a question that only you can answer," Leah responded. "We both know that I don't want it to end, but if this is something that you can't handle right now, or just need time to take it all in, I understand completely."

"Leah, I don't want this to end either," I replied. "I do love you, but only as a friend. I don't know if I will ever be in love with you."

"Listen, I have no intention of ever ruining anything that you and Gabriel have. Like I said before, when I saw you two together, I was jealous. I'm not going to lie. But I got over it. I understand that you two have a very strong relationship. And, it's not like I can just up and leave Travis either. Granted, we don't have a great sex life, but I do care for him deeply. I really do love him. I just couldn't do that to him or the kids."

"So, if we were to continue, it would stay between us, just like it was before?" I questioned hesitantly.

"Of course. Exactly as it was before," Leah answered as she brought her lips to my forehead. "I can't imagine it any other way. I don't want to."

She brushed my cheek with the back of her hand; her eyes asking an unspoken question. I looked deep into her baby blues and slowly nodded my head. Leah closed her eyes, and leaned toward me. I opened my knees and wrapped my legs around her, as our lips converged.

While I still felt like nothing was solved, at least we were back on the same page, and understood where each other stood. The guilt was killing me though; guilt of leading her on and because of that, she fell in love with me. There was also a difference in her kiss. It seems as if it was more out of habit now than want or need like before. Maybe she was scared of losing me; now that she admitted she loved me. I also knew that I was not in "the mood" anymore either.

I slowly moved my lips off of Leah's, but continued to embrace her with my arms and legs. We just sat there, holding each other. I would have given anything to know what she was thinking. After what seemed like five minutes, I slid out of her embrace.

"Maybe we should go downstairs and finish the movie with your kids," I said as I got up off of the bed.

"Yea," Leah replied. "You are probably right."

She stood up with reluctance. I brought her into a hug.

"We are okay," I whispered in her ear to calm her fears. "I am still here."

I felt her nod into my shoulder. I wanted to ease her mind that I wouldn't leave, but my mind was racing. I really didn't know what I should be doing. I kissed her forehead and moved away from her.

I opened the door and followed Leah out of the bedroom and downstairs. Madison and Samuel were laying on opposite ends of the couch. Leah sat down in between them and they rested their legs on her lap. I walked toward the empty recliner, and sat down. I pretended to watch the animated movie that the kids had on, but I couldn't concentrate. I watched Leah out of the corner of my eye.

We sat in silence as the last thirty minutes of The Lion King played. When the movie was over, Leah asked her kids if they wanted to watch another movie. Madison said that she wanted to watch Spongebob, and Samuel said that he was hungry.

Leah turned on the favorite cartoon and told the kids that she was going to start dinner. We both stood up from where we were seated, and I followed her up the stairs and into the kitchen. I figured I'd help her cook for the kids, and then make my way home to eat with Gabe.

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What the hell did I do? I can't believe I actually told Calie that I was in love with her. I mean I am, but that isn't something that I should go around admitting, Besides, we are both married -- and even if we weren't, two women aren't supposed to be in this type of relationship. It's wrong...

...but it feels so right when I'm with her. The way she makes me feel; the way she looks at me. Hell, Travis never looks at me like that anymore. I can't even remember if he ever did.

And then, I almost ruined it. The perfect thing that Calie and I had going. Maybe it is ruined. Maybe it can still be fixed, or maybe it will never again be like it was. I guess only time will tell.

She says it's fine; that we can still have 'last week'. She says she doesn't want it to end either -- but now she knows that I've fallen for her. I've made the biggest possible mistake. I fell in love with my lover, even though I'm married to someone else. Then, as if that wasn't bad enough, I came right out and told her. What was I hoping? That she would leave her husband and that we could run away together? Newsflash: it doesn't work like that. Not only does she have Gabriel to think about, but I have to think about Madison and Samuel, who I love more than life itself. I also have to think about Travis, and while our sex life has made a turn for the worse, I still love him...very deeply. I can't just up and leave either.

Oh well, step one right? Admitting you have a problem? And, I do. A huge problem. And, I have no idea how to solve it.

IX

I was sitting in my office at work on Monday, thinking about the past day's events. Questions kept running through my head. What did I really want in this relationship with Leah? Did she really want more out of it than she was willing to admit to me? If we ever did "break up", would we still be able to remain friends? I had so much work piling up on my desk, but I couldn't concentrate.

I stood up and walked over to the coffee pot I keep in my office for days like this. After pouring another cup and sitting back down, I gave myself a quick pep talk. This work wouldn't finish itself, and I had deadlines that had to be met; the magazine was due to be published tonight and I needed to finish the layouts I was working on.

As soon as I started to sort through the mess, I felt my phone vibrate. Just what I needed: another distraction. I waited for the next vibration to indicate a phone call, but it never came, so I took my phone out of my pocket and opened it to view the text message.

"What are your plans for tonight?" Leah had written.

"Nothing yet. Why?" I responded.

"I'm going to dinner with a friend. Hoping you would come with," she wrote back.

"I don't know," I said.

I had always hated being the third wheel. Plus, I was not exactly sure where Leah and I stood after our conversation yesterday. Everything seemed fine between us, outside of the bedroom that is, last night when were hanging out with Madison and Samuel, but things always can change. I did not want dinner to be awkward, especially with another person around.

"Oh come on," Leah replied.

I wondered what I would be getting myself into. However, looking at the bright side, I would be able to spend time with Leah, in a non-sexual situation. I would be able to read her body language; hopefully see what affect yesterday's conversation had on her.

"Oh alright. What time?" I wrote.

"Meet me outside at seven. I'll drive and we can pick up Kelly on the way," she replied.

"Okay, see you later," I said.

I put my phone back in my pocket and once again pushed my thoughts out of my head. Now I really had to get back to work. I'd been procrastinating all morning.

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At seven o'clock sharp, I met Leah outside her house. Her jeans and black long-sleeve shirt were accessorized by black-healed boots. Her blonde hair was tossed back into a short pony-tail. Although she looked sexier than ever, there was still a jab of pain in my heart as I saw her.

Without a word, I got into the passenger's side of Leah's four-door sedan. We small talked for a minute as we put our seatbelts on and Leah back out of the driveway. However, on the way to Kelly's house we were silent...and it was deafening.