My daughter Faith had a brooding look on her usually sunny face. When she returned home from college for winter break, her mood alternated from surly to morose. My efforts to engage her in conversation failed and I tried every approach I knew as a professional therapist but she refused to open up.
Earlier that day, I heard Faith talking to someone on her cell phone. When she ended the call, her attitude took a sudden and chilly dip. She was lying on her stomach with a pillow under her arms for support when I walked past her room.
Faith's sad gaze was fixed on the wall in front of her and I clearly saw tears rimming her eyes.
"Mom, can I ask you something?" She inquired in a sad voice.
"Sure baby." I said calmly.
I sat on the side of the bed next to Faith and waited for her to continue. My mind went thru a shopping list of possibilities but except for boyfriend woes, I failed to imagine anything that would upset her this deeply and for this amount of time.
"Are you having problems with your teammates?" I asked in a quiet tone.
Faith was member of the swim team and the program was highly competitive for spots on the roster. Unexpectedly, she turned to look at me with a quizzical expression on her face. Obviously, I had struck a nerve.
"Well, kind of." She said almost in a whisper and sighed.
Lightly, I rubbed Faith's back, hoping to alleviate some tension.
"What is it baby? Is it a boy?" I inquired hoping to hit the mark.
"No!" She stated emphatically and sighed deeply.
I waited patiently for Faith to continue speaking and as I rubbed her back, it started jerking. She was crying and turned to embrace me.
"My poor baby." I said tenderly and tears ran down my cheeks.
I hugged Faith tightly against my body hoping to shoulder some of the pain that enveloped her. She cried softly for a few minutes and slowly regained control of her emotions. She sat up and looked at me with shame in her normally sparkling green eyes.
"It's embarrassing." She said with a downcast face and wiped her eyes.
Faith was my only child and we shared a close mother/daughter bond.
"I'm in a relationship with someone but it's, oh... so frustrating sometimes!" She said with exasperation and a sorrowful look.
"Is it anyone I know?" I inquired with heightened curiosity.
"I think so." She said with a timid air.
"Who is it baby?" I inquired with uneasiness.
"It's one of my teammates." She stated with a miserable expression.
"A girl!?" I asked in a disbelieving tone.
"Yes, Christa Bernardo." She uttered softly as though the walls had ears.
I met Christa at one of the swim meets, she was a dark haired beauty with an imposing physique.
Faith slumped against me and held on with all her might.
"Please don't hate me." she begged in a panicky voice.
"I could never hate you." I cried.
My heart ached for the child that I bore and loved more than my own life. When Faith looked up, tears streamed down my face.
"Don't cry Mom." She said in a heartfelt manner and wiped a few tears away with her fingers.
"Baby, when you're a parent and your child hurts, then you hurt too." I replied in a weepy voice.
Faith took my hands in hers and looked into my dewy eyes.
"I'll be ok." she said with confidence.
From her earliest years, Faith possessed impressive resiliency and strength of character.
"When did you start having these, ah...feelings." I asked politely.
"I'm not sure but we've been friends since freshman year. One day I looked at Christa and something about her appealed to me." She replied honestly.
"All I know is that I wanted to be with her, you know, in that way." She intimated in a low and reserved voice.
"I understand baby." I stated soothingly.
"I guess nothing like this ever happened to you." She said with a sigh.
Her comment froze me and I searched my mind for an answer. Faith picked up on my hesitation immediately.
"Mom, did you have the hots for a girl!?" she asked with wide eyed astonishment.
'Well, ah...oh...ok, yes I did." I answered and it was my turn to be sheepish.
"Was she a hottie?" Faith asked as her curiosity took over. It was the first time I saw her smile in over two weeks.
"Yes, she was." I answered in a whisper as memories flashed thru my head.
What I left out was the fact that while I desired and pursued many girls only one captured my heart.
"I guess it runs in the family." Faith said pensively and lay against my body.
*
As I held Faith and gently rocked her, I remembered my college years as the time of my sexual awakening. I was a member of the gymnastics team and had a steady stream of boyfriends. A virgin until my sophomore year, my boyfriend Chuck plucked my cherry after a frat mixer.
Although I was aware of same sex encounters among my teammates, I had little or no interest in the goings on around me. That was about to change when I arrived home for summer break at the end of sophomore year.
My family resided in an upper middle class neighborhood in Southern California. We were the only family on the block without a swimming pool because my Dad had an irrational fear of water. My best friend, Robyn and her sister Tracy lived next door and I was a frequent visitor to their pool.