Could First Love Overcome My Fears

As always, I need to thank my friend David, ('OhDave1') for his generous time, and fabulous editing.

The story also comes with a warning. It is a very long story. I did wonder about breaking it into chapters, but. In the end decided to post it as one. If you do have the time to read it, and feel I made the wrong choice. I would appreciate you offering me your thoughts. I would be interested to hear them.

Thanks.

*****

"Mum, I said I don't know."

"Sweetheart, I think the problem is you don't have a man to share your life with. Somebody special you have so much to offer."

It always came back to that with Mum... A man...

"You don't get it do you, Mum. This is about more than having a man in my life. I feel lost at the moment. Like my life is empty... Meaningless. It seems all I do is work and sleep. Nothing makes sense to me. When I left school I had all of these goals and ambitions. I've not done a single one of them."

"You are being too hard on yourself Love. Gosh, you are only twenty three. Your whole life is in front of you. Gosh, you have a fabulous job which you love. That is something, surely?"

"Yeah all right. I do enjoy my job, but aside from work, I haven't done anything. I've never even been out of the country."

I watched as she sighed, her hands closing over mine. "Sweetheart, you are not the only person who hasn't managed to fulfil all of their dreams."

"All... Mum, I haven't reached one, let alone the others."

"You are feeling a little lonely Love. If you had somebody special in your life to help you out. You wouldn't feel this way."

Shaking my head in dismay, I sighed sadly. Her response sounded almost practised, I'd heard it that many times. Things I said to her sometimes, just wafted over her head as if they meant nothing. All she focused on was my single status. It was pointless trying to have anything resembling a serious conversation. She never failed to bring it back to a man.

"Sweetheart, if you just let me help. Alison's sister has a son about your age. He is single, jolly good-looking and by all accounts very successful."

"Mum, I don't want a date. I didn't come round tonight so you could fix my life. All I wanted was a friendly ear."

Her sad expression showed a level of frustration I'd seen many times over my life. "Look at me Mum, I'm nothing, just an average everyday person. I'm hardly a beauty, overweight and blah."

"Stop being so hard on yourself," she said with a comforting rub of my arm. "Sweetheart you are beautiful."

"In your eyes, maybe. You have to say that."

"No, let's be honest. Yes, you could lose a kilo or two, but gosh Love, we are all in the same boat."

I shrugged, offering a sigh. She still didn't get it. "My life feels empty. I feel valueless like I'm just dragging the world down."

"That my love is not true. Step back and look at what you have achieved. You own your home, you have a nice car, a job you love. There are a lot of people who can't say that."

"Those are things, Mum... That's not what I'm talking about. I want to make a difference."

"Then sign up for some charity work. There are plenty looking for workers."

"Yeah, I spose." It wasn't what I was on about at all. "Look at Eva, she's just moved to the UK and got that awesome job. I haven't even been out of the South Island."

"Is that what this is all about... Your friend going off on an adventure? Goodness gracious sweetheart. Take a holiday. You have money in the bank, enjoy a little excitement."

"Spose," I huffed.

At home, I looked around at my little haven. Of course, I had nothing to grumble about. My little house was wonderful, and I owned most of it thanks to Nan, who left me the house and a generous sum of money in her will. Of course, I did what everybody who owns a house does. I remodelled it to make it more modern. Once I'd started, it became a bit of an obsession and I went even further adding a garage, and landscaping. Now I had a small mortgage, not unmanageable, but an obligation.

That had really been the start of all my despondency. Losing Nan hurt like crazy. She had always been such a huge part of my life. Having lost Grandpa at a young age. She poured herself into my life. We did so many amazing things together. She was there at every hockey game clapping and yelling my name. Rain or shine, there she was waiting to drive me home, or taxi the other girls and me somewhere.

Whenever I needed a comforting word, she was always there. School work, homework. Whatever I needed, she was there. When she passed, it sucked out some of my life force. My guardian angel gone...

Standing in front of the mirror, I squeezed the flabby spare tyres hanging around my waist. Laughing at the word... Waist, I no longer had a waist or hips.

The dark self-loathing weighed a little heavier, and I felt the need for food. Throwing on my warm jammies, and fluffy robe, I wandered out to the kitchen, the pantry full of tasty treats. A nice chocolate caramel biscuit would lift my spirits. Yes, a nice cup of tea and a bickie.

Nothing helped, I couldn't shake off the depressing thoughts that my life meant nothing. Reaching for another biscuit, I realised... I'd eaten the whole packet.

"Fat bitch," I said aloud admonishing myself. TV, and scrolling through the internet usually brightened my mood. Not tonight, a fear grabbed me... Was this it? Is this all I could look forward to for the rest of my life?

Eva's leaving had sort of been the driver for the reawakening of my insecurities and self-deprecating thoughts. She had so much to look forward to. A new job in a foreign country. New people to meet, new adventures ahead and here I was stuck in my boring drab little existence.

"Maybe a new hairstyle?" I mused. Yes, it'd been a while since I'd bothered. Could Mum be right? A holiday, it did sound like fun. Somewhere exciting and new. Sunshine would be nice. Lately, our weather had been shocking. Rain rain and more rain. I'd need a passport. That made me laugh, that's how boring I was. Didn't even have a passport.

The darkness, the hunger and the urges were there again. Laying in bed I gripped the blankets, God the urges were back stronger than ever. My hands shook, the dark desires pulling back the blankets... Tugging gently on my soul.

"No," I screamed sitting up, the clammy grip, the little beads of cold sweat. "No... Please," I whispered. "Fight Jae, Fight... Don't give in."

Laying back down, the blankets pulled tightly around me I curled up in a ball. Rolling from side to side unable to get comfortable. "Don't give in," I whispered biting the blankets... "Not now..."

The tears started slowly, just droplets forming and drying, but as the fear of falling built within me the droplets became rivers. The sobs wracking my body.

Forces far stronger than I remembered moved my arm, the bedside drawer opening. The cold steel of the tiny blade felt comforting in my hand. The trembling eased.

"Just one," I promised myself... "Just one."

My body surged as I pinched the skin of my inner thigh. The pain created gentle waves of euphoria as the skin bunched into a ridge. Then the biting sting as the razor-sharp blade slid along my pinched flesh. The blood oozing out made my heart leap, my pulse quicken. Slowly the blade slid a little deeper.

The anxiety gone, a warm feeling of satisfaction comforted me. The blood oozing out somehow quietening the fear. The voices stilled.

The morning came filling me with hate and embarrassment, the sticky plaster reminding me I had given in again. "Weak pathetic bitch," I snarled dressing for work.

"No wonder you can't find love" I sighed inwardly. "Who'd want a scarred up monster like you?"

Putting on a forced smile I walked into the office foyer, people greeting me with open arms. We chatted about the day's activities. Yes, I loved my job. School guidance counsellor wasn't what I envisaged for myself, but I did love it.

Being surrounded by people took my mind off other things. Kathy's smiling face at lunch cheered me up.

"Why do you look so happy?" I asked.

"I'm organising a social netball team. I hoped you might like to play with us?"

"Netball... Really?"

"Yes, come on Jae, it'll be fun."

"Look at me, do I look like somebody who would be good at netball?"

"You used to be. I remember at school. You were awesome. The best centre we ever had."

"That was a long time ago Kath, a very long time ago."

She smiled and opened her salad. "I'm going for a jog after we finish tonight. Do you want to come with?"

"Jogging, me?"

"Yeah, you. Stop feeling so sorry for yourself. Come for a run with me."

Sports, and running felt like a different life. "I don't have any gear. Shit girl, I don't even have runners."

"Then finish your lunch quickly and we'll go buy you some."

"No...." I mumbled searching clumsily for an excuse.

"Yes, you and me. I could use a new pair as well."

She could be an unstoppable force when she wanted. There were reasons I stopped playing sport, but I couldn't tell her, or anybody else the reasons why. Scars... Shorts or tiny tops exposed things I never wanted any other human to see.

Walking around the store, I wandered through the women's section. There were options now, like leggings, Lycra... Although the sudden mental image of my wobbly belly in Lycra wasn't something that filled me with joy.

Everybody would laugh. There weren't a lot of options though. It was Lycra, or explaining why I had scars in places I shouldn't.

Kathy smiled as she saw me buying all the gear. "Gee, you are going all out."

"You know what, this might be the push I need."

"Good for you Jae, we can run together every night. I'm not much of a runner, but I need the exercise. Having a running partner would keep me honest."

"You, god there's hardly a kilo out of place. You look amazing."

"Phhht," she scoffed. "Two kids and I'm nearly thirty. John doesn't look at me the way he used to and I feel all my muscles tightening up. It's not just about losing weight Jae. I feel awful. I need this for me."

"Gotcha, I need it as well. No laughing tonight when you see me in my running gear."

"Remind me again why we're doing this?" I panted breathlessly trying to keep up with her. We'd barely covered two Kilometres and I felt exhausted.

"For us Babe, you and me. We're gonna be fit as hell. We'll make the others jealous."

Laughter overwhelmed me. My lungs burned, my muscles ached. Nobody would be jealous if they saw me now. Kath set the pace though and the one thing I hated was losing. Sucking in a big breath I doubled down and matched her stride for stride.

"I'm gonna make the bastard eat his words," she muttered between breaths.

"Who?" I asked.

"John the bastard. He called me fat and lazy. Me... He had the gall to call me fat."

"You... No way?"

"Yeah, he thought he was being clever. Blasted shit. He can't fit into clothes he bought last year and he called me fat. He could lose twenty Kilo's and you'd never notice. I'll give him bloody fat."

We both laughed as we ran on. "It's not just his comments either Jae, he doesn't look at me the way he used to. We hardly make love any more. He obviously doesn't desire me the way he used to. When we were younger he couldn't keep his hands off me. Now he hardly touches me."

"You've been married over ten years. Most people probably go through that?" I said trying to make her feel better.

"Probably true, but that's not what I wanted from life. It might be impossible, but I need him to still want me."

"I'm sure he does. You are an attractive woman, Kath, I've heard comments from the men at work. You still raise looks, girl."

"Really?" She gasped between panting breaths.

"Yeah, I've heard some of them."

"Who?" she asked panting.

"Not saying, they weren't nasty or dirty. Just like. 'Cor, she looks bloody hot.' That sort of thing.

"Gosh, blind buggers."

"No, you have it going on babe. Totally skux. Trust me."

"What about you Jae, are you dating anybody?"

"Nah, all the decent blokes in this town are already married. The single ones are single for a reason. I've given up at the moment."

"You might be right about the quality, but don't give up. There's somebody out there for all of us. John might be a shit, but I do still love him."

A kilometre or so later I stopped, bent over with my hands on hips panting like a nanny goat.

"That's it, Kath, I'm done."

She stopped as well laughing snidely. "Thank god, I only kept going because I didn't want to be the first to give in. Gee, we've got to run back yet."

"Bitch...," I scolded with a snicker of my own. "I wanted to stop ages ago."

The jog back to the school was slower that's for sure. Every muscle in my body ached. They felt tight and like they might pop at any moment.

"Nine flaming kilometres babe. Gee, we nearly ran a ten-kilometre fun run on our first go."

At home, I ran a hot bath and slipped into the water, the sharp sting of my cut from last night bringing a smile... I loved that feeling... Bringing me a very sharp reminder.

*****

It started at school, Never really fitting in, I constantly felt like an outsider looking in. Never a beauty, always fighting the battle of the bulge. My self-esteem tumbled to lows I didn't know existed. My unease heightened by the realisation that most of the other girls were already dating boys, yet none of them showed any interest in me.

Even my friends made jokes about my lack of intent around dating.

I could still remember Lisa's snarky jab. "Are you queer? Is that it? Are you perving at us in the changing room?"

Some of the other girls laughed, but that stung. "No, I'm not gay. I just don't fancy any of the boys."

Peggy, my closest friend stuck up for me and told them all to pull their heads in. She and I lived only a few houses apart, and most nights we studied together. She was a brain box. So smart everybody was jealous. She was the reason I passed my school cert and did well on my Uni entrance exams.

So many times I congratulated myself for picking the same subjects as her. Even if they never really interested me. It meant we shared research and study material. We never cheated, but having a genius like her working beside me, helped me get awesome marks.

We sort of supported each other for different reasons. Her because she wanted the school DUX...

Me because I felt worthless.

When she moved away it was another moment of deep loss. I lost my best friend.

With her gone, and nobody to share with, my anxieties returned with a vengeance. She had been the saving light, the light in a dark room. Alone and overwhelmed with oppressive clouds of discontent. My mind carried me to some dark places, The first time I cut myself was an accident.

I'd been helping mum prepare the salad. My job, dicing and slicing the cucumber, tomatoes and onions. With my mind swirling anxiously around a dark mood. I didn't even feel the sharp knife sliding into my fleshy palm.

"Jae, what have you done?" Mum cried out rushing to me with the tea towel to wrap tightly around my hand. The counter top covered in red sticky blood.

The sting came from the onions, the juices seeping into the wound.

What happened... My anxieties lifted, focused on the cut. All else flowed away, my mood lifted.

Okay, it stung like crazy for days afterwards, but that pain gave me a release I couldn't explain. It took away my fears, like a drug rush, it gave me a high... The anxiety seeped away as the blood trickled down my skin like a shiny sticky river.

From that day onwards, when the world weighed me down...

When the lights went out I sneaked a blade from my father's tool kit. A box knife blade, sharp and easy to hold. The scars though became harder to hide. Higher up the inside of my thighs. The added benefit I could feel the sting for days as my legs rubbed together angering the wound.

That's when I stopped playing sport. Naked in the showers, there was no way to hide them. Embarrassed and afraid somebody would tell. I simply told Mum I hated sports and she begrudgingly wrote me a note.

The worst shame... I loved competing. Hockey being my favourite, but the short skirts made it impossible to hide. Same with netball, the short tunics barely covered our bums, let alone anything else. Sport was the one area of social connection I excelled at. I enjoyed being part of the team, and because I was good. The others included me.

*****

Over the next few days, Kath and I went on our nightly runs. The ten kilometres stretched out to fifteen every night. On a Friday night, we jogged along side by side, our strides matching. "Did you know there's a Karate class in the gym every Saturday morning?"

"And?" I muttered.

"I'm signing up."

"Why for god's sake. We're running fifteen kilometres a night?"

"Yes, but I want to be good and fit when we get on those blasted netball courts. I figure the Karate will be a different sort of exercise. You want to come along as well?"

Unconvinced, but intrigued. I added my. "Yeah... Spose so."

The Karate surprised me, and I wondered why I never did it when growing up. The movements were great for flexibility, as well as being quite punishing. The instructor who I had never met was really nice. He appeared to spend a lot of extra time with Kath and I.

"I think he fancies you babe," Kath said with a lecherous giggle.

"It's not my bum he's ogling," I snorted in reply.

She knew it as well, she loved the extra attention. He might have been a black belt at Karate, but he knew nothing of the dark arts of seduction and flirting. Kath played him along enjoying the extra attention.

"What the hell would John say if he saw the instructor's hand all over you?" I said teasingly as we drove home.

"I wish he would see. It might wake him up. Lately, he's been worse than ever. All this blasted exercise makes me horny. He hasn't even noticed. Not one single comment."

"He might be busy at work," I offered in his defence.

"No, he's just thoughtless."

"That's blokes for you. They're all the same."

"Yes, you are probably right. Makes me wonder why we're going to all this trouble?"

"To be the best on court. That's why I'm doing it."

"Seriously Jae, you need a boyfriend. Let me set you up with somebody. John's got a few mates who're single and not bad-looking."

The mere thought of it scared me. If I liked him, he would eventually see my scars. There was a reason why I was still a virgin. "Nah, not that I don't trust you. I'm just not ready. Maybe when I get rid of all this excess flab."

"Sweetie, you're hot as. Trust me. You look good. I've seen some heads turning recently. Your figure looks sexy as, especially in the Lycra gear."

I laughed loudly. "Yeah right."

That night after my soak in the tub, I did stand in front of the mirror, and my flabby rings were shrinking. My belly had tightened up, I felt toned. It was much harder to find a flap of flabby skin to pinch. When I looked at my bum and rear thigh region though. The smile faded. Cellulite... Oh god, it looked worse than ever.

Sunday night as we neared the turnaround point of our run, I kept going. "Hey," Kath called out.

"What are you doing, we have to get back."

"You go if you want. I'm aiming for twenty tonight."

"Bitch," she called loudly as her feet pitter-pattered on the pavement behind me. The thought egged me on, my strides stretching out a little. I wasn't going to be the first to stop tonight.

"No... Stop," she called to my back. "I'm buggered. I cannot go another step."

That night, for the first time in a week, I didn't need my blade.

The netball practice turned out to be fun. None of the other women had put much of an effort in. Kath and I were the fittest by a huge margin. They all puffed and panted after only a few minutes on the court.