This chapter picks up immediately after the end of Chapter 2. Unless you have read the previous chapters, it will not make any sense. There is one more chapter to go, and that is being edited so it should a week or maybe a little more. Once again, I have to thank my editors, Terry and Snow. Both of them make this story possible. I owe them so much! I love both of you!
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Morning came much faster than Suzanne would have liked. Still, she answered the bell. When her alarm went off, she was out of bed in a minute and in the shower a minute or two later. If she took a little longer in the shower than normal, it wasn't by much. The rest of getting ready was quicker than usual. She had picked out a relatively conservative suit with a skirt and a high-necked blouse. She spent a little more time than she often did on her makeup. Overall, she was ready and packed in about half an hour. Because of timing, they would just check out now and keep their luggage in the conference room they were using.
Suzanne kept herself so busy getting ready that the thought of what she would say to Colby had not even crossed her mind. Now that she was ready to go downstairs, it hit her with full force. It wasn't that she was worried about what Colby would think. Suzanne just didn't know what to say, and any explanation was complicated. It would take time that they didn't have now. After doing one last check to make sure she had everything, Suzanne grabbed her stuff and left the room.
By the time she checked out and made it to the restaurant, Suzanne had worked out how she hoped they could handle it. Colby had beaten her downstairs and Suzanne could see her already seated and waiting. She grabbed a seat next to her and sat down.
"Good morning," Colby said. Just like Suzanne, she was a little uncertain about what to say. Almost anything else might come off as critiquing last night.
"Morning," Suzanne replied. There was an uncomfortable moment of silence before Suzanne spoke again. As she did, she found it hard to look at Colby. "I know I owe you an explanation about last night, and I will, but I would like us to just focus on the meeting. We can talk at the airport or on the plane." As she finished, Suzanne finally looked up and met Colby's eyes.
For a few seconds, Colby just looked at her in sympathy. When she spoke, that same emotion came through. "First, you don't owe me anything. And second, of course. Let's deal with why we are here," she said. Reaching over, she patted Suzanne on the hand and then looked back at the menu. "I thought I would get the one egg special. Do you know what you want?" she asked.
Relieved at the change in topic, Suzanne glanced at the menu. She nodded. "That looks good." Just then, the waitress came by and took their order. The two of them fell into a conversation about the plan for the day and thoughts of anything else quickly vanished.
That stayed true through the rest of the busy day. Neither one of them had time to spare for thinking about other things. From the moment the first customers showed up at the meeting room until they were done packing everything away, both of them were running the entire time. Even lunch was sandwiches eaten on the go. Then when it was all done, they grabbed their things to get a taxi back to the airport so that they could do it all again tomorrow in Atlanta.
On the way to the airport, Suzanne checked her phone for messages. It had been on silent all day so that she could give the customers 100% of her attention. There were two messages from Jim. Even though her boss knew that she wouldn't be answering her phone, he couldn't help calling to find out how it was going. She smiled, thinking how predictable he was. Once she cleared his messages, she saw there was still the one from her dad. Even though he left it on Saturday night, she still had not listened to it. Now several days later, her feelings were still raw. Suzanne contemplated just deleting it unheard. She was not sure she could take whatever he would say. "For now, I'll just leave it alone," she finally decided. Hearing him talk about what God wants was not going to help her sort out her feelings.
By the time they got through security and to the gate, there were only about 10 minutes before boarding would start. As they sat down, Colby noticed that Suzanne's excited mood from before had somewhat evaporated, especially once she finished calling Jim.
"Was Jim unhappy with what you told him?" Colby asked her. "I mean it seems like we got what we needed. And the customers liked the new software a lot." She didn't ask if Jim had asked about her. She heard Suzanne responding to questions that were clearly about how she did. When Suzanne told Jim that she had done just as well as Wayne would have, it made her glow with pride at Suzanne's praise.
"No, he was really excited," Suzanne replied.
"You seem subdued since you talked to him. Are you sure there isn't a problem?" Colby said in response.
Suzanne fidgeted with her hands, her attention on them. At first she didn't respond, and then finally she replied. "No, it's nothing to do with work."
With all her energy poured into the meeting, Colby had mostly forgotten that they put off talking about last night. Now when the memory flooded back, she wasn't sure if Suzanne even wanted to talk. "Suzanne, you don't owe me any explanation. I'll listen if you want, but your life is your own," she told her friend.
Colby's words seemed to get through to Suzanne. Looking up from her hands, she shook her head. "No, it's okay," she said softly. Suzanne turned to look into Colby's face. Her eyes had a fire in them that Colby hadn't noticed before. "I'm not ashamed, Colby. That isn't what it is, in case that's what you're thinking," she said more forcefully, as if to match the look in her eyes.
"I wasn't thinking anything, honestly," Colby said in a soothing tone. "I'm here to listen, if you want that."
Suzanne sighed. "I'm sorry. I've never talked to anyone about this. It's just that I imagined you think I am ashamed of who I am and that's why I've hid it."
"I wouldn't think that, Suzanne. I'm in no position to judge anyone," Colby said as she reached out and squeezed Suzanne's forearm. "I hope you know I'm a friend."
They both stopped talking as they heard the boarding announcement. For a second, neither one of them moved. Suzanne put her hand over Colby's. "I do; you gave me the courage last night. I would never have talked to Sandy if I hadn't met you." She got up and walked towards the gate with her bag. Colby followed a pace behind. As they stood there and waited for the line to move, Suzanne looked back over her shoulder. "I want to tell you, Colby. We have three hours sitting next to one another. I think I need to tell someone, and I'm glad it's you."
Once the line started moving, they were both quiet as they focused on finding their seats and getting their bags stored away. Even after that, the activity in the cabin discouraged either one of them from trying to talk. Colby thought about how lucky it was that they were on the left side of the plane with only their two seats. "If there was someone seated right next to her, Suzanne would never be able to talk." Even still, it wasn't as if they had any real privacy. She wondered how open Suzanne would be.
After they took off, Suzanne didn't talk right away. She was lost in her own thoughts and Colby did not want to push. Once they had their drinks and pretzels though, Suzanne gave a big sigh and looked over at Colby. Her face was full of conflicting emotions; doubt, relief, but more than any other was sadness. Colby felt her heart almost break for her friend. She took Suzanne's hand in hers and held it tightly.
"I feel like I've been a bad friend to you, Suzanne. I had no idea that you were this unhappy," Colby said in a quiet voice that did not carry far. She felt Suzanne squeeze her hand as she gave a little smile.
"Don't. We haven't known each other long, and I ... I'm good at suppressing it. I'm very good at it. I never let anyone see this part of me," Suzanne told her. She also kept her voice low and seemingly in control, although there was a tremor that betrayed her. "You've been a good friend, that I'm talking about this shows that."
Suzanne paused. Now that the moment was here, she wasn't sure how to start. As much as she wanted to, the habit of hiding was so ingrained. "Trust her," she told herself. "You have to trust someone." It was time to stop lying, especially to herself.
"I'm a lesbian. I've known almost forever. At least as long as I ever felt attracted to anyone. And only four people know, besides you," Suzanne said. "I've only loved one person," she started to say before a wave of guilt came over her. Colby saw her eyes well up with tears that weren't yet shed, but soon would be. "And I hurt and betrayed her. I turned my back on her." Even more than the guilt, the feeling of self-loathing almost overwhelmed her. It had a familiar taste and was part of why thinking about this was always hard.
"Suzanne," Colby said in a tone that made her empathy clear, "I know you well enough to be sure that isn't the whole truth. Something happened."
"My parents caught us. I don't talk much about them. Growing up, family was so important to me. I always felt different and with my family, I had a safe place," Suzanne told Colby, but as she did, the emotions on her face shifted again. Colby could see anger. "As long as I conformed," Suzanne added. "They are religious bigots, Colby. And the worst of the worst are gays."
"Once I knew who I was, growing up was a constant fear that they would find out and reject me. And David dying made it worse. I love them. I really do, and they love me, but they cannot accept me if I choose to be myself," she said as a few tears started to run down her face.
"Oh Suzanne. That makes things so hard. I've had a few friends who faced a similar choice, and it's messed up," Colby said as she pressed her fingers around Suzanne's hand.
"I know others face this. It doesn't stop me from feeling alone, and honestly like it's different for me," Suzanne told her. "David dying practically killed them. God kept them alive. God was all they had to cling to. And they were all I had. I couldn't lose them. I couldn't do that to them, or me."
The inwardly directed anger flared up again. Suzanne closed her eyes to try to clear it, but instead Chloe's face was there in her mind's eye. As usual, it was not the face from their happy times. It was the tear streaked face as Chloe pleaded with her not to walk away. Suzanne almost couldn't remember how she looked at other times. It was the look of betrayal that endured.
