"It's a boob cactus in a boob pot! Isn't that funny?" I reached out to take the little potted plant from Margo's outstretched hands. It was indeed pretty funny. The tall cactus was covered in bumps that did look remarkably like little boobs, and the artfully made ceramic pot sported a spectacular pair of tits to fit the theme.
"Oh my god, this is great!" I enthused, turning the pot around in my hands to admire all the little details. "Where did you even get this?"
"The cactus is from that nursery that I keep trying to get you to go to, and my friend Cece made the pot," she explained, watching me examine the plant with a smile.
"Thank you, I love it. It's hilarious," I said, leaning in to give her a hug. Margo and I have had a tradition of giving each other dumb, bawdy gag gifts every Christmas since we were roommates in college. Even though we had both graduated by now, we were still living together and the tradition was still going strong.
"I knew you would," she said with a warm smile that made my heart skip a beat. "Ok, my turn."
I carefully set the pot down on the coffee table while Margo wiggled in her seat, giddy with the anticipation of her present. A stab of nerves coursed through me as I picked up the box that held her gift, wondering if I was going too far. This probably wasn't a typical gift to receive from your roommate, but I had a good feeling that she was gonna get a kick out of it. Anyway, it was too late to back out now.
"Ooh, big box!" She said excitedly, taking it from me and giving it a little shake. It rattled slightly. Part of me wanted to grab the box right back and get rid of it so things wouldn't be weird between us if she didn't like it, but I figured that would also make things weird. She ripped off the newspaper wrapping and lifted the lid. Her face lit up with a slightly confused grin.
"Candy canes!" She exclaimed, pulling one out of the pile in the box. She unwrapped the tip and sucked on it, cheeks caving in and glossy pink lips pursing around it. I hoped to god she wouldn't notice the blush that was forming in my cheeks.
"I know they're your favorite Christmas candy, so I got you the biggest one I could find." She cocked her head and looked back in the box, digging deeper in the pile. Her eyes widened when she saw the huge, thick candy cane, and she lifted it out. When the silicone wobbled slightly in her grasp, her eyes widened even further, wider than I thought humanly possible. A burst of laughter escaped her lips, the forgotten candy cane in her mouth falling into her lap.
"Oh my god, is this a dildo?" she asked in between giggles, waving it up and down so the tip jiggled. A wave of relief washed over me, and I let out a breathless chuckle. Thank god she didn't think it was weird. Maybe it wasn't actually that weird, and my judgement was just clouded by the fact that I was hopelessly in love with her. No, it was a pretty weird gift, but so was a tit cactus.
"Yeah," I replied, watching her fingers play with the tip. I shifted slightly in my seat. "I saw it online and I knew I had to buy it for you since you're such a candy cane addict. Isn't it great?" She looked back up at me, her face cracking into a huge smile.
"Oh my god, it's so funny. I love it!" She suddenly leaned forward and threw her arms around me in a hug. I felt the dildo that was still in her hands bump against my back. "Thanks, Noel." I hugged her back, forcefully not thinking about the way her breasts were pressed against me.
"No problem, I'm glad you like it. I was worried that you'd be weirded out." She pulled away and examined the dildo again, occasionally slipping into another fit of giggles.
"Oh please, you know I'm not that sensitive." She jiggled it again, a big dumb grin on her face. "I think my maturity level is the real problem here."
"Well, I'm glad you've got something to keep you busy while I'm gone." She looked up at me, her wide brown eyes meeting mine, and I realized what I had just said.
"I mean- not like- you know, 'cause you were playing with it- not like
that
kind of playing with it... oh Jesus," I stammered, failing miserably at backpedaling. Her smile was small and secretive, and her cheeks were slightly pink. I knew my face must have been lobster-red. I decided to change the subject before I dug myself into a new Grand Canyon.
"Um, sorry we didn't get to give our gifts on Christmas, by the way." I was flying to our hometown to visit my family, but Margo still had work, so she wasn't coming. We had decided to exchange our gifts before I left so we could see each other's reactions (which I was starting to regret). "Are you sure you'll be ok while I'm gone?" She perked up, probably glad to change the subject, and waved the dildo dismissively.
"I'll be fine, really, I'm gonna be super busy the whole time. Miso, on the other hand, I'm not so sure about." Margo's cat Miso hopped up onto the couch as she said the words. The little black puffball curled up against Margo's leg and fixed her huge, lamp-like yellow eyes on me, not even breaking eye contact when Margo started petting her.
"Oh please, she only loves me for my hat." I shook my head back and forth, jiggling the pom-pom attached to my hat. Her eyes followed it with unnerving precision.
"You gotta stop wearing that hat in the house, it's too tempting." Miso wiggled her butt menacingly, so I stopped shaking my head.
"I'll stop wearing it when it stops being cold as fuck in here." Margo shrugged and started digging through the box of candy canes with the tip of the dildo.
"Don't say I didn't warn you," she said, letting Miso sniff the candy cane that had fallen into her lap. Now that the awkwardness between us was mostly gone, I decided it would be best to leave before I said something stupid again.
"I've gotta go pack for tomorrow. Thanks again for the cactus, I really love it." She looked up at me with a smile and then pointed the dildo at me like a gun.
"Thank you for mine, too! Merry Christmas, Noel."