First, a bit of history...
Ever since I started getting interested in other people as more than just schoolyard friends, I haven't really ever made a distinction between male or female. Sure there are obvious differences in physiology and temperament, but I was attracted to both. But, I also grew up in the western world, where being bisexual was considered by many to be some kind of disease. My parents had no idea and I wasn't about to tell them - it would have broken my mother's heart if I'd come home with another girl.
I towed the line until I was about 16, trying to be a good heterosexual girl. I failed to be good but I did manage to be heterosexual. I had even convinced myself I was exactly that. But by the time all of my friends were turning 16, growing boobs and generally getting a lot more interested in sex, it was dawning on me that I was different. I could joke about boys in a sexual way and they would laugh along with me, but if I slipped up and made a joke about girls, I would get uneasy looks and they would talk about me more and more behind my back. So, I shut up about it and buried it.
*
Fast forward 2 years. I was 18. My boobs had grown, but the rest of me was fairly average looking at 5'8". My friends knew I was headstrong, but outside of my close friends I kept to myself. For the record, I have brown hair and intense green eyes.
It was the last year of high school (my senior year). Every year the seniors get to attend a 'senior camp' where everyone heads into the woods and sleeps in tents for two nights, chaperoned by teachers and the occasional parent. It's something that everyone looks forward to, and despite the teachers trying to stop it, it's where a lot of people hook up, celebrating their transition to adulthood.
November eventually rolled around. I had been seeing a boy for about 2 months. And yes, I had lost my virginity by this time. We were preparing for camp and talking excitedly about what was going to happen and taking bets on who was going to hook up with whom. My Mum drove us the 2 hours to the camp, dropped us off and then left, no doubt worried about the mayhem that would ensue... or possibly just happy to be getting a weekend off.
We were at an old Scout Camp, with dormitory style accommodation, a big dining hall, rope courses, forest walks and a lake some way off. It was surrounded by trees. Despite the dilapidated buildings, it was quite a beautiful place.
The teachers rounded everyone up at 6pm. We got 'the talk'.
"Don't wander off into the forest, don't get up to anything and don't even think about alcohol or drugs," we were told. "Be in bed by 11pm."
Dinner was nothing special. The hall was full of excited teenagers, all yelling at each other to be heard. Teachers rolled their eyes at each other, shaking their heads. There were maybe 50 students at this camp.
Later, everyone broke off into smaller groups and got absorbed by the grounds. Several bonfires had been lit and I was sitting around one of them with some of my friends. My boyfriend was nowhere to be seen - he had gone off with his friends a while earlier and not reappeared. My own group of girls was slowly getting smaller and smaller, as one by one various boys lured them away to other places. I'm pretty sure I knew what they were going off to do. The fire was warm and primal and I was enjoying just being there even if I felt a bit isolated.
I had struck up a conversation with a girl I had seen around but not really spoken to. Her name was Laura. She was a little shorter than me and had blue eyes. She was a bit dumpier than me, but nicely proportioned; I had noticed.
Laura looked like she really wanted to talk to me, so I said, "Hey." We introduced ourselves.
Laura's family had moved into the area at the beginning of the year, so this was her first and last year at my school. She didn't have many friends, but she had managed to tag along with a few others and get by with a minimal social life. I figured she was just happy to have someone to talk to.
Meanwhile, teachers circled just out of range of the firelight, like sharks waiting for hapless students to stray too far from the group so they could pick them off. I think the teachers knew the battle was lost by now, but they put up a show of strength anyway. Laura and I joked about the oppressiveness of it all, in that way common to every generation of teenagers since the dawn of time. We laughed.
Then Laura got a serious look on her face and suddenly went quiet, looking back to the fire.
"What?" I asked, laughing.
She watched a teacher walk by and disappear again before answering, "Do you maybe want to go for a walk?"
"Why?" I blurted out, without thinking about it. That probably made her even more uncomfortable.
"No reason," she said, her smile gone completely. "I'm going to grab something from my room. I'll be back later."
She got up quickly and headed off into the darkness before I could respond.
I sat there, watching her go, wondering what I'd said. I didn't get a chance to think too much about it because Emily, one of my other friends, rushed over and grabbed my arm.
"Come on, we gotta go. Daniel and Jessica are getting it on in the woods."
It was a call to arms. It was practically lore - if something spectator-worthy was going on, you had to at least go and watch and preferably cheer it on.
We threaded our way slowly through the people around the fire, watching the teachers until we saw a gap, allowing us to sneak off into the darkness unseen. I don't know how Emily knew where we were going, but we picked up another 3 girls along the way as we headed off down a path through the trees. There was just enough moonlight to see the path, but not enough to be seen if we kept to the shadows.
Five girls crashing through the trees in the dark is quite noisy, even when they're trying to be quiet. We all realised this and one by one, split off from the group, taking a slightly different route towards a small clearing somewhere up ahead.
I lost sight of the others at some point, but I could see the clearing illuminated more brightly by the pale light and crept slowly towards it. I didn't know what to expect, and I could still see nothing that looked like people up ahead.
I stopped to get my bearings, crouching in the shadow of a huge tree, listening. There was no sound, other than my own heartbeat, which thumped heavily from the uphill journey and from my nervousness at getting caught. Then I heard something. Faint, but it sounded like a voice. No. Two voices. I couldn't make them out, so I crept closer to where they were coming from. Ferns and trees scratched at me in the darkness. Twigs snapped underfoot and the crickets went silent, marking my presence. I cursed them all under my breath.
Again I stopped in some undergrowth, hoping I wouldn't be seen. I could hear more clearly now, even though I couldn't see anything.
"Shhhhh they'll hear us," came a girl's voice, trying to whisper loudly.
"No they won't they're way down the hill," answered a guy's voice, more talking than whispering.
"What do you want me do to?"
"That. What you're doing. Oh my god!"
"Yeah?"
"Yeah."
"Are you going to do anything for me?"
I had to see what was going on. I knew those voices must be close by. I looked around for options. There was a fallen tree ahead of me, which I might be able to sneak up to if I kept my head down. It looked dark enough to keep my cover. There was movement there, but I was pretty sure it wasn't who was making the noise. I assumed it was Emily or one of the other girls.
My eyes had grown more accustomed to the darkness now, so I could see well enough to avoid making much noise. I slipped through the undergrowth and crouched behind the fallen tree. To my surprise I came face to face with Laura. We both huddled in the cover of the tree and looked surprised at each other's presence.
We knew we couldn't speak, we would have been heard. Neither of us could see anything from where we were either. We tried to communicate through facial expressions alone, which didn't reveal much.
What happened next, happened very quickly. There was a flash of light from somewhere ahead of us, and all hell broke loose, accompanied by yelling, screaming, stumbling and snapping of branches. People were running and crashing away through the forest in different directions. Apparently one of the other girls had tried to take a photograph but forgot to turn off the flash on her camera, exposing the whole operation.
Laura and I had both frozen where we were, unsure of where to run anyway. As the sounds died away, we just sat there, looking around and listening. It felt like hours, but eventually my heart stopped trying to climb out of my chest and I turned to look at Laura. She was wearing a huge grin - it was the first time I had seen her really smile since I'd known her.
"What the fuck just happened?" I managed to say.
"I think we're in the clear," she whispered conspiratorially. She had a devious smile.
We looked at each other, paused for a moment, then both burst out laughing. With lightning speed, she leaned in and kissed me on the lips. Just for a moment. Then she backed away.
I was stunned. I had stopped laughing and was just staring at her, unsure what to say or do. Her smile vanished and she started to apologize as she moved away.
I managed to form the words, "No. its ok." I didn't want her to bolt off into the trees as well.
We both sat in silence for another few minutes. I didn't know what to say. This should have felt very wrong, but it didn't. She seemed similarly conflicted.
