"Jen?"
"Brenda?"
They were both caught off-guard...stunned...suddenly unsure of themselves after all the build-up, all the anticipation. Instead of a dramatic encounter, the two cyber-lovers had stumbled into each other in the mall parking lot...not ready...tangled up with emotions and doubt. They both froze and said nothing.
Brenda finally broke the silence, still sitting with her van door open. "Hey."
"Hey." Then quiet again.
Brenda tried again. She even smiled a little. "Um...I can't believe it."
"Me neither." Jen crossed her arms and scratched lightly with her fingers.
"Um...this is awkward." Brenda still had her seatbelt on. The car was beeping from the keys still in the ignition.
"Yah."
More quiet. Then suddenly they both laughed. Not big hearty laughs, but just enough to break the tension, the awkwardness.
"Wow," said Brenda. She pulled out the keys.
"It's so weird to actually see you."
"And to see you."
"Here in the parking lot."
"Yah," Brenda answered. She hesitated and went on. "I was just kinda sitting here."
"Me too," Jen quickly replied. "I was...I mean...I was just sitting too."
"Yah."
"I can't believe it."
"I still can't either."
They went on, stumbling, repeating, not quite sure what to say. The initial surprise was wearing off...replaced by excitement...but also the feelings...the doubt...the guilt...that had left them in their cars.
It was coming back...coming back strong.
"Brenda..." Jen hesitated. "I...I don't know what to say...I...I..."
Brenda looked at Jen...not too directly...but enough to make eye contact...and quietly said, "It's okay, Jen." She paused and then went on: "It's me."
"I know....it's just so weird."
"But it's still us...we can say anything. It's different but it's still us."
"Yah," said Jen.
"But, yah....it is pretty weird," agreed Brenda. Suddenly they could see each other...every facial expression...the looks of concern, hesitancy...even fear. No longer just the words on the screen...but two real people with a million unspoken complexities neither had seen before.
They were quiet for a bit...frozen in the parking lot...Brenda still in the van...Jen fidgeting badly on her feet. Then Jen took a deep breath and decided to spill it all. "Brenda...." She stopped again and looked away.
Brenda looked down and away too. "It's okay."
Not having to look made Jen feel a little braver. "Brenda...I am feeling totally guilty...I don't think I can do this."
Brenda paused for a beat and then quickly said, "Jen....me too."
"Oh man, really?"
"Yah...really."
Now the words began to gush out of Jen like air deflating from a balloon. "Like....I have so loved doing all this stuff with you but this feels really really bad and wrong."
"Yah, I know," answered Brenda quietly.
"I mean...I feel so screwed up sometimes....it's been fun but now I feel like I'm really crossing the line...something way beyond the stuff I've done."
Beat. "Me too."
Jen paused. "Really?"
"Really." Another pause. They still looked away from each other. "Like it's real cheating now."
"Yah."
"Real sex."
"Yah."
"I can't just turn off the computer and pretend nothing happened."
"No."
Now they began to glance a bit at each other...two deflated balloons. They felt a little better...but also more empty, more emotionally exhausted.
"I mean," said Jen, "it's definitely been...um...interesting...and I think you're a really cool person." She wondered what else she could say...still standing in the middle of a parking lot.
"Oh thanks..." said Brenda, "Um....I feel that way too about you. Totally."
They were quiet again.
"So...." said Brenda.
"So..." said Jen. They each laughed a little again...nervously.
"Maybe...we should...do you want to just leave then?" asked Brenda. "Like, just forget this happened?"
"Um..." said Jen. One instinct said yes, go away. Another said no, stay. Stay and....talk. And it seemed to be the guilty side that said to stay. "Um, I guess...or..."
Brenda didn't say anything.
"Or...maybe we could just...just talk?" Jen asked. "Talk...just about all this stuff. Like, what it's doing to us."
Brenda was quiet. Then she said, very softly, "I think I'd like that."
Jen began to almost feel okay. So did Brenda.
They were still talking through the open van door. Jen pointed at it and said, "Maybe...sit down somewhere?" She continued, "somewhere private...not the coffee shop."
"Yah," Brenda laughed. "Not sure I want to talk with other people around." She looked around the parking lot...not a lot of options. She paused. "Want to just sit here in the van with me?"
Jen had visions of suddenly being driven off by this near-stranger. "Um...sure." It actually sounded pretty good. It was quiet and private. And they wouldn't have to look each other in the eye... She walked around the front of the van and opened the door, while Brenda cleared praise CDs off the seat.
Jen settled in and they both looked a bit sideways at each other...bodies forward...necks turned...just enough eye contact.
More silence.
Then Brenda spoke. "Yah...I almost didn't come today."
"Me neither," said Jen. "I could...I could barely sleep last night."
"Oh man...me too."
"I mean..." Now Jen felt braver. "I mean...it's stupid, Brenda. We....we fucked online...but now it feels totally wrong to do it for real. It's stupid." She was amazed to hear her own words.
"Yah...we've fucked online," repeated Brenda. It wasn't erotic...just a statement of fact.
"So why the hell is it really different to do it in person?" asked Jen. Her normal self-censorship had vanished. She thought it..she said it.
"I don't know," said Brenda. "But it is."
"Yah."
"Like...lust and sex are all the same, whether it's for real or in your mind."
"Like the Bible says." Jen couldn't believe she had said that.
"Yah," said Brenda. "In Matthew." She continued. "Jen, I know exactly where you are coming from...especially about all that." They were both...you know...and yet were into all this. It was their deepest, almost unspoken bond.
"Oh, I know, Brenda...you always have. You have always understood"
Brenda laughed a little. It was a real laugh.
"So why do I...we...do all this?" said Jen. She was ready to laugh...but also to cry.
