Appalachian Confessions

APPALACHIAN CONFESSIONS - Part 3

I felt my knees wobbling, and I didn't know whether to be pissed or excited. I think I was a bit of both. I looked over at my stepmom before walking the phone down the hall for privacy. Once again, the timing in my life was horrible. After all, I still had Lucy's taste on my lips - a reminder of both an incredible and a potentially friendship-killing experience.

I whispered into the phone, "I can't talk about this right now, but what about... you know, Jed."

"He isn't... we're done. He hit on me for the last time. You should see my face," she said quietly.

As much as I wanted to stay mad, I suddenly felt sorry for her. I guess it was my protective nature again bubbling to the surface.

"Destiny, can I see you? I know you must hate me right now, but... but I'm not a monster, really. Can we talk somewhere? As friends?"

I waited until my brother squeezed past me in the hallway before hearing myself say, "I'm not promising, but where? When?"

I mentally punched myself for opening up again to her.

"Can you get over to the Walmart in Union Town? I could prob'ly get my dad's car if you don't have a ride."

"I don't think so. I just can't...I can't fuckin' trust you," I said as I gritted my teeth, shocking myself at my crude language.

"I understand. I know I wasn't totally truthful, but there are some things you need to know. Please?"

"I...let me think about it, Beth. I have stuff to do this weekend. If you still want to talk call me next Tuesday or Wednesday and we'll see."

"Okay. Just please. Give me a chance. That's all I ask."

"We'll see," I said before hanging up.

How did my life suddenly become so complicated, I wondered. I probably killed off my only real friendship with Lucy, and now I'm actually considering meeting with Beth. I was so fucked up. I just wanted to crawl back into bed, but I heard a knock on the screen door.

"Shit, now what?" I asked myself. I froze in place when I saw Lucy peering in through the screen.

"Anyone home?"

I took a quick glance in the mirror and naturally I looked like hell. I brushed back my hair and quickly put it into a ponytail before practicing a smile. I smacked some redness into my cheeks and prepared for the worst. I took a deep breath and went to the door.

"Lucy, hi...what's up?"

She looked almost as bad as I did, before asking, "Um...Have a minute?"

I couldn't look into her eyes knowing that I took advantage of her, and the few times that I ventured a peek, she was looking in every direction but mine. I knew I fucked up. I ruined the only friendship I had by letting my lust get the better of me. I was guilty - there was no denying it. Now I had to face the consequences, but I didn't want to do it at my own front door. I looked at the mess behind me, including my stepmom who was laying back in the recliner, legs spread as she smoked and watched pro wrestling. I wisely decided not to invite her in. I stepped outside, prepared to be admonished.

"Uh, Lucy, can we walk?"

She nodded and I closed the screen door behind me as we stepped away from the trailer.

"I don't know how to say it, but about last night...," she said quietly, and I sensed a trembling in her voice.

Any hope that I had of her not remembering was lost with that simple comment.

"Um, yeah. About that. Lucy, I'm really really sor..." But she cut me off before I could continue.

She blurted out, "I'm so sorry but I don't think I paid you, did I? I mean, God... I was trashed. I barely remember getting home!"

She finally looked into my eyes and I looked into hers, but I really wasn't sure what I saw, and I hoped she couldn't see the guilt in my eyes, but did I hear her correctly? Did I just get a reprieve? Little did she know that she paid me in a way that no money could, but the fact that she may not have remembered made things even more confusing. I knew that for the sake of our friendship that I needed to confess to her, but I couldn't bring myself to tell her.

"Well," I whispered, "I had a couple glasses of your wine after the kids went to bed, so things are really hazy for me too," I lied.

I took a chance and said, "I mean, I remember helping you in when you got home. I think it was around one. Did you...did you have a good time on your date?"

"It was really good. I know it's way too soon, but I think there is a chance that he could be 'the one.' I just hope I didn't screw it up by getting too trashed."

She continued, "Wait -

YOU

helped

ME

? God, I hope I didn't embarrass myself, did I? I mean, I had the strangest dreams, but that's what too many shots of tequila does to me," she said as if she was straining to remember.

I thought back to that amazing experience and actually could still taste her on my lips. Should I tell her?

"No, you were kind of out of it, but you were really funny at the same time. I don't remember a lot either other than making sure to get you into bed," I said, completely aware that I was playing with fire.

She thought for a moment, as if she was trying to recollect it. I wondered if her blackout was permanent or if there was a chance that the memory would eventually return. I felt sick thinking of it.

"Hmm. Well, thank you again for all your help. And here's something for watching the kids. I hope they didn't drive you too crazy."

"No, really. I can't take that from you. They were great. We had fun."

And YOU were tasty, I thought to myself, so no payment is necessary.

She insisted, so I reluctantly took her money, and we stood there in awkward silence for what seemed like forever.

"Well, anyway...you can...come by any time, Destiny. I started a new drawing if you want to see it sometime."

I nodded and we both turned to return to our trailers. I couldn't resist peeking back at her over my shoulder.

"Let me finish rimming your tight asshole and I'll be right over," I thought to myself as I watched her butt swaying in her leggings.

I heard her screen door open as I walked away, unsure of what just occurred. I knew though that I would eventually need to confess, no matter how hard it was going to be. I started wondering to myself if last night really WAS a dream. After all, I doubt that I would forget if I was being licked, no matter how drunk I may have been. Another lick of my upper lip produced a hint of her taste, and I knew then that it really did happen. I was torn between relief that she had no memory and disappointment in her connection with her date. Any silly notion that I may have held of her possibly being a romantic partner was dashed. Well, at least I still had her friendship, I thought, as long as her memory didn't return.

Although my head was still pounding from my hangover, my thoughts suddenly shifted. Something was awakened in me last night and once again I thought back to Beth and our brief phone conversation. There was clearly a chance that she was setting me up, but I knew I was going to take the risk. I took a deep breath, grabbed the phone and made the call, despite my better judgement. After some small talk, we firmed up our meeting time and place, and my heart was beating out of my chest.

With hope in her voice, Beth said, I'll come by for you in like three hours?"

"Beth, promise me you're not fuckin' with me again. Say it."

"I'm not. Trust me, okay?"

"I guess. Three hours, but don't come down the path. I'll walk out to the park entrance."

The last thing I wanted was for Lucy to see me leaving with Beth.

"Thanks, Destiny, really. See you soon."

I hated myself for allowing her and her insanity back into my life. Was I setting myself up for a whipping or worse? Was Jed really out of the picture or was it just their sordid way to lure me out of my comfort area? I knew I had to be really careful. If she confessed to him what happened to his truck, I realized that I could easily become the next missing person. So why was I feeling that now familiar warmth, I wondered. I decided to trust her for better or worse, for the thrill of the risk if nothing else. As I got ready, I went down the hall into my brothers' room and rummaged around in their utility drawer before finding what I wanted - a small switchblade that fit nicely into my front pocket. You never can be too cautious, I thought.

The clock ticked slowly, and I realized that I was nearly as excited to see Beth this time as I was when I went to the Piggly Wiggly. I was SO screwed up! I dressed down in a faded black 'Guns N Roses' t-shirt and my old black work boots along with my ripped Levi's. I put my hair into a ponytail and ventured out, nervously peeking over to see if Lucy was within sight. Why did I feel like I was cheating on her? I was relieved to see that it was quiet at her trailer, and I slowly walked toward the park entrance, being sure to keep an eye out for the Silverado. I knew that if Beth showed up and ambushed me, I would have to do something drastic. I tapped my pocket to make sure that the knife was still tucked away. In my heart, however, I prayed that she was genuine. As much as I loved the hazy drunken lovemaking that occurred just a dozen hours earlier with Lucy, the tenderness in which Beth and I made out in the thicket was now my focus. I got to the entrance a few minutes early and I lingered at the mailboxes to kill time. Five minutes went by, then ten. In the distance I saw a pickup truck coming my way and my heart sank. I was poised to run back into the trailer park until I realized that it was the totally wrong color, and as it drove past, I wondered, how paranoid am I?

Another ten minutes went by, and finally I saw the big rusty navy-blue Ford Crown Victoria rumbling toward me, which I remember my brothers mentioning was probably an old repainted police cruiser. Not exactly a classy ride, but it served its purpose. She pulled up and I peeked in the back seat to make sure it was empty before climbing in next to her. The seat felt giant compared to other cars that I had been in.

"Thanks for coming," she said. "I wasn't sure you would give me, you know, a chance."

"Yeah, I wasn't sure either, to be honest," I said, trying to feign indifference and looking out the passenger's window. Our past make-out session flooded my brain, and as she watched the road, I turned to take her in. I felt my heart pounding and although I tried not to get my hopes up, I imagined that this was our first 'date.' She was also in torn jeans, but unlike me she was in a short-sleeved navy button-down top, untucked. Her hair was loose and blowing in the breeze, and when she looked over she caught me admiring her. A small smile appeared, and we drove without talking. Her big sunglasses barely hid the dark bruise on the side of her face, and I again felt my blood pressure rising. I need to control my anger, I thought.

Finally, I commented, "This is a little faster than our last ride."

We both laughed, before she responded, "Yeah, but not as much fun though."

"So, are we really goin' to the Walmart?"

"I dunno. I mean, I need some stuff from there so maybe we can stop there first, then get some ice cream or go for a walk somewhere."

Paranoia crept in again. A 'walk' could be the end for me, with a trail being the perfect ambush site. I decided that I would bail at the first sign of danger.

We finally reached the Union Town Walmart, and I followed her through the doors and past the smiling geriatric greeter. I didn't know why he seemed so happy. Didn't he realize he was on death's doorstep? Then again, maybe I was too, I thought. Beth headed for the makeup area and grabbed some generic foundation and finishing powder, no doubt to cover her bruises before her shift began at the Piggly Wiggly. I thought we were done, but she glanced at me and hesitated before moving to the pharmacy area. She took a few steps and looked around before quickly grabbing an early pregnancy test. Jesus, I thought. What kind of shit did she get herself into? First an engagement with possibly the worst person in our county, then a pregnancy test? I took another look at her fingers and was relieved that there was no engagement ring, but that really didn't mean anything.

Again I assumed that we were done shopping, but I was wrong. I followed her quietly as she reached the sporting goods section and turned down the aisle toward the back wall. In front of us was a myriad of locked cases containing rifles, pistols and ammunition. Behind the counter was a disinterested middle-aged man in a red vest that was at least one size too small. He sported a Vietnam tattoo on his hairy forearm, and his scraggly graying goatee made him look like a deranged old billy goat, I thought. When he saw us approaching, he licked his lips and perked up.

"Whatcha lookin' for, ladies," he gave us a coffee-stained yellow toothy smile as he undressed us with a wandering sleepy eye.

I felt a shiver down my spine and I grabbed Beth's arm to pull her away from the counter before she could respond. I looked back at the clerk to apologize, but his eyes were riveted to Beth's ass. We got to the checkout line and Beth paid for her makeup, with the pregnancy test conveniently hidden inside her blouse. I nervously followed her past another leering retiree at the exit, hoping her EPT wouldn't set off the alarm. We reached the unlocked car and I did a quick scan of the lot. Although there were far more pickup trucks than sedans there, none resembled Jed's old blue Silverado, so I slid into the seat as we pulled out of the lot.

We drove in silence for a few miles. I decided not to bring up the pregnancy test or the gun rack window-shopping, but any idiot could have connected the dots. She reached over and popped a cassette in with a shaky hand. REO Speedwagon's "Keep on Loving You" came on, crackling through the broken car speakers. She sniffled as she drove, and occasionally dabbed at her swollen eye with a used tissue. We continued down the 2-lane road, and we passed a marked hiking trail and a sign pointing to Naggassat Lake.

I finally commented, "That looked pretty. Let's try that spot, okay?"

She nodded and found a place to turn around, kicking up dust as she reached the park entrance. It was nearly dusk, so she turned her lights on and slowly followed the winding road before reaching an intersection. A "Scenic Overlook" sign pointed left and "Hiking Trail" sign pointed right. She looked at me and we shrugged as she slowly turned left. We drove another fifty yards or so before reaching the overlook and finding a lot with enough parking for roughly thirty cars. At that point there were only a few vehicles occupying the lot, each facing the lake that fanned out nearly as far as the eye could see. It was quite beautiful in the quickly fading daylight, and we were able to enjoy the view quietly. When the sun finally set, it was almost as if a light was switched off, and we were immediately thrust into total darkness until our eyes were able to adjust. I assumed that there would be lights in the parking lot; however, none turned on. I felt my breathing getting deeper, and I hoped she couldn't hear it.

The Walmart bag was sitting on the large torn vinyl seat between us, and I could nearly hear it taunting us, prodding us to discuss its contents. I took another peek around the lot, still somewhat paranoid but realizing that unless Jed followed us there was no way that they could have set this location up for an ambush. The three remaining cars were barely visible near us, and their windows quickly fogged up. I felt as if Beth and I were on a 'first date,' with each of us unsure of the first move, although we both knew that we would need to talk about the bizarre shopping spree.

I shuffled my feet in the darkness before making small talk.

"This is cool. I heard about the park but never thought I would get to see it."

"Yeah, the sunset was pretty amazing," she said as she gazed out of the windshield, although it was too dark to really see anything.

"So...," I hesitated, not sure how to bring up the myriad of topics that we needed to talk through.

"Thanks, Destiny. For coming along with me. It means a lot."

"No problem."

"I guess I have some explaining to do."

We both laughed nervously as she said that.

"Yeah, maybe a little bit," I said, smiling in the darkness.

"First of all, what happened at the lake, hanging out with you... none of that was planned at all. It just...happened. I shoulda been more honest with you though...about Jed...and stuff."

I stayed quiet and she filled in the silence.

"I been tryin' to get away from him and Billy for a while. I just never expected to bring you into my mess. Then, you know, we crashed that bike, and..."

"Yeah, I know what you mean. I...I felt stuff that day with you that was so, so different," I said quietly.

"I told you I'm not a lez or anything. I mean, I still like guys, maybe too much...but," her voice trailed off and she was unsure how to continue.

"It's okay. I'm not like a dyke or anything either but you're right. It felt so good, being there...with you, and so unexpected," I said, surprised at what I was hearing myself saying.

Despite the seriousness of the conversation, I felt myself getting wet at the thought of her dry-humping me on the ground, and my breathing picked up.

"Anyway, I shoulda told you. I mean, I WOULD have if I had planned that stuff out."

"So, you didn't dunk me just to be mean?" I had to ask.

"Well, yeah. In a way, I saw your brothers leave you there and thought it would be fun to surprise you," she said.

The mood lightened briefly before darkening with her next comment.

"Jed...he beat my ass that night, worse than normal and almost as bad as the time he busted my arm with a baseball bat. He thought I took off with one of your brothers at the lake and he was really pissed. Plus you know, his truck thing didn't help."

"Sorry, Beth. If I'd a known...I wouldn't have stuck that stuff in his gas. Shit! It's my fault that he hit you."

"You don't get it. He did it all the time. He didn't need no reason. He was pissed that I didn't have my engagement ring on. He told me he was going to 'fuckin' melt it onto my finger if he saw me without it again.' He reminded me 'bout that missing chick and said..."

She hesitated, knowing she said way too much.

"Anyway, it wasn't your fault, Destiny."

"Still, it didn't help that I fucked up his truck. I'm sorry," I said and reached over to hold her hand. She hesitated and I felt her briefly pulling it away before she allowed it. Our hands were now resting together on the seat, inches from the Walmart bag.

"Yesterday was the worst. We were at the lake, just hangin' out. Billy and him were really drunk. It's my own fault for puttin' myself in that position, but we were swimming and it was getting dark. Jed started messing with me in the water like he usually does, not like I had a choice."

She paused in the darkness, debating whether or not to continue. I squeezed her hand for reassurance.

"Billy, he kinda swam over while we were....you know. He reached down and tried to touch me from the front while Jed was inside of me, behind me."

She started crying, struggling to continue. I moved the Walmart bag and shifted over to her in the giant seat.

"They...they tried stuff like that before but never took it that far. I swatted Billy's hand away from me but Jed just laughed, said somethin' like, 'Jesus, Beth. Jus' let 'im. You done it before. It ain't like you're a fuckin' virgin'. "

She stopped briefly to explain, "Destiny, I know I'm no angel but I NEVER did anything like that, not that it didn't stop the rumors from spreading. I mean, I only been with one other guy before Jed."

"Yeah," I said, thinking about the recent rumors about me. "I know how rumors get started. They take on a life of their own and you can't stop 'em."