Author's note: This is a slow burn lesbian romance series. Please be patient, because some of the chapters are less erotic than others.
Chapter 8
Popcorn ceilings... they're ugly but they were popular at one time because they covered flaws and created sound barriers. Though I lived in what was considered a luxury condo, my bedroom still had one of those ugly old popcorn ceilings. I had never paid much attention to it, but after that fateful day... it was all I stared at. I practically counted every bump over my head.
Several days past, but in my bed was where I remained. Over and over, I replayed what happened that day; The day I lost two people I didn't even realize were important to me. I lost my Fiancée, and the respect of my best employee.
The damage I had done to these women was irreparable. No popcorn ceiling could cover up the chaos I had created. The ugliness inside me had been exposed, and while one woman was brave enough to point it out, the other simply walked out of my life with her head held high. Both instances hurt, but both women deserved better than me.
I didn't make it to work that next day. I called the regional manager and let him know that I wasn't feeling well. My employees probably carried on like they normally did. They had lost respect for me a long time ago. I was just too stupid to notice until Alana pointed it out.
I didn't know who was in charge while I was gone, and I didn't really care. The office and my career felt so insignificant to me for the first time. My company would be fine, whether I was there or not. However, the women whose lives I had ruined would not be okay, because they had to live with the scars of my failures.
Slowly, one day turned into two, and two turned into three. Before I knew it, I had missed an entire week of work. I just couldn't seem to get myself out of bed. All I could do was lie on my back and stare up at the ceiling, counting all the bumps of popcorn in front of my eyes.
For the first time, now that I wasn't focusing on work, I actually had a moment to think about my life. I thought about the reasons I had worked so hard and pushed myself during my career. I even thought about why I became so successful and bought this luxury condo.
It was all for show... This was my way of telling the world I was happy, when I really never was. This was my way of lying to myself, and pretending I was better off after my divorce because I didn't want a relationship anyway. All of it was wrong. It was all a lie.
Unfortunately, it took someone like Alana to point out my dark truth and make me face the realities of my own issues. My ex-husband cheated on me a long time ago, and I had blamed it on everyone but him. Knowing that he found comfort in other women made me feel like a failure. It made me feel like I wasn't good enough; like I didn't give him a reason to want me only.
What the divorce meant to me was so much more than losing my abusive husband. It was a symbol that I failed the marriage, and I wasn't able to keep him happy. Many had doubts about our relationship from the very beginning, and I was embarrassed that I had proven them right.
I blamed the other women for my husband's unfaithfulness, like they had any clue about me. They were the ones with the unfortunate lives, having to deal with people like my ex, just to make ends meet. And then I was even stupid enough to take my anger for myself out on others, just because they were from the same continent as these women.
Obviously, I was depressed. Who wouldn't be after getting completely devastated by the hands of an innocent girl like Alana? However, what left me with an even more sinking feeling was the question that I now faced within myself.
What is it that I really want in life?
Until now, my only motivation was to appear successful in the eyes of the public. I wanted others to think I was doing great, when an actuality, I was haunted by my own demons that I placed on others.
While I was alone with my thoughts, I could at least point out one thing that made me happy. Instead of giving me hope, however, it only added to the depression because my actions had already destroyed this part of my life.
The only time I had ever felt happy was when I was with Juri. Sure, I kept her a secret from the world, but it was the fact that I could let my guard down with her that truly brought me peace. Yes, Juri was staying at my condo, but it was her presence that made it feel like a home.
I realized if I could do it all over again, I would have loved to explore this genuine joy she brought into my life. Only time could have written the story of whether we would have actually been happy together, once the language barriers and all the baggage I brought to the table had been sorted out.
Unfortunately, I had destroyed that opportunity, and now I would never know. Juri had stopped answering her phone, so we couldn't even communicate anymore. For all I knew, she had already gotten on a plane and went back to her home in Japan to live a better life than I could have ever provided her.
Now, I was left not only with the sadness of what I had done to her, but also the knowledge of losing the opportunity of finding that same happiness with her. And as I remained in bed, staring up at the popcorn ceiling, I could only ask myself,
What now?
What now?
was the question on my mind because none of my past motivations mattered any longer. All I could do was accept the horrible human that I was and move forward with my life, hoping not to bring any further pain to those who didn't deserve it.
Eventually, I made my return to the office sometime the next week. Not understanding where my priorities were anymore, I just sort of waltzed in one day, much to the surprise of my staff.
You could hear a pin drop as everyone laid their eyes on me and watched as I walked in slowly with my head down. Normally, I was the one to arrive first, but since I didn't even care about my career any longer, I just sort of showed up whenever I felt like it that morning.
Another thing I no longer cared about was the way I looked. My hair was all disheveled and I didn't even put on any makeup that day. I at least put on a decent outfit, but other than that, it was as if I just rolled out of bed and hopped straight into the car.
The only place I stopped on my way to work was Starbucks, but it actually wasn't for me. Alana would normally bring me coffee, but since she didn't expect me to be at work, I assumed she didn't make her normal stop. She probably wouldn't have brought me coffee anyway, given how upset she was at me, but I figured I should pay her back at least once before we eventually went our separate ways.
With the coffee in hand, I made my way towards the normally quiet intern's desk near the back. The other women quickly recovered from the shock of seeing me and attempted to greet me with their unimportant chatter, saying, "How have you been, Karina?" and, "We missed you!"
