Author's note: This is a slow burn lesbian romance series. Please be patient, because some of the chapters are less erotic than others.
Chapter 8
Popcorn ceilings... they're ugly but they were popular at one time because they covered flaws and created sound barriers. Though I lived in what was considered a luxury condo, my bedroom still had one of those ugly old popcorn ceilings. I had never paid much attention to it, but after that fateful day... it was all I stared at. I practically counted every bump over my head.
Several days past, but in my bed was where I remained. Over and over, I replayed what happened that day; The day I lost two people I didn't even realize were important to me. I lost my Fiancée, and the respect of my best employee.
The damage I had done to these women was irreparable. No popcorn ceiling could cover up the chaos I had created. The ugliness inside me had been exposed, and while one woman was brave enough to point it out, the other simply walked out of my life with her head held high. Both instances hurt, but both women deserved better than me.
I didn't make it to work that next day. I called the regional manager and let him know that I wasn't feeling well. My employees probably carried on like they normally did. They had lost respect for me a long time ago. I was just too stupid to notice until Alana pointed it out.
I didn't know who was in charge while I was gone, and I didn't really care. The office and my career felt so insignificant to me for the first time. My company would be fine, whether I was there or not. However, the women whose lives I had ruined would not be okay, because they had to live with the scars of my failures.
Slowly, one day turned into two, and two turned into three. Before I knew it, I had missed an entire week of work. I just couldn't seem to get myself out of bed. All I could do was lie on my back and stare up at the ceiling, counting all the bumps of popcorn in front of my eyes.
For the first time, now that I wasn't focusing on work, I actually had a moment to think about my life. I thought about the reasons I had worked so hard and pushed myself during my career. I even thought about why I became so successful and bought this luxury condo.
It was all for show... This was my way of telling the world I was happy, when I really never was. This was my way of lying to myself, and pretending I was better off after my divorce because I didn't want a relationship anyway. All of it was wrong. It was all a lie.
Unfortunately, it took someone like Alana to point out my dark truth and make me face the realities of my own issues. My ex-husband cheated on me a long time ago, and I had blamed it on everyone but him. Knowing that he found comfort in other women made me feel like a failure. It made me feel like I wasn't good enough; like I didn't give him a reason to want me only.
What the divorce meant to me was so much more than losing my abusive husband. It was a symbol that I failed the marriage, and I wasn't able to keep him happy. Many had doubts about our relationship from the very beginning, and I was embarrassed that I had proven them right.
I blamed the other women for my husband's unfaithfulness, like they had any clue about me. They were the ones with the unfortunate lives, having to deal with people like my ex, just to make ends meet. And then I was even stupid enough to take my anger for myself out on others, just because they were from the same continent as these women.
Obviously, I was depressed. Who wouldn't be after getting completely devastated by the hands of an innocent girl like Alana? However, what left me with an even more sinking feeling was the question that I now faced within myself.
What is it that I really want in life?
Until now, my only motivation was to appear successful in the eyes of the public. I wanted others to think I was doing great, when an actuality, I was haunted by my own demons that I placed on others.
While I was alone with my thoughts, I could at least point out one thing that made me happy. Instead of giving me hope, however, it only added to the depression because my actions had already destroyed this part of my life.
The only time I had ever felt happy was when I was with Juri. Sure, I kept her a secret from the world, but it was the fact that I could let my guard down with her that truly brought me peace. Yes, Juri was staying at my condo, but it was her presence that made it feel like a home.
I realized if I could do it all over again, I would have loved to explore this genuine joy she brought into my life. Only time could have written the story of whether we would have actually been happy together, once the language barriers and all the baggage I brought to the table had been sorted out.
Unfortunately, I had destroyed that opportunity, and now I would never know. Juri had stopped answering her phone, so we couldn't even communicate anymore. For all I knew, she had already gotten on a plane and went back to her home in Japan to live a better life than I could have ever provided her.
Now, I was left not only with the sadness of what I had done to her, but also the knowledge of losing the opportunity of finding that same happiness with her. And as I remained in bed, staring up at the popcorn ceiling, I could only ask myself,
What now?
What now?
was the question on my mind because none of my past motivations mattered any longer. All I could do was accept the horrible human that I was and move forward with my life, hoping not to bring any further pain to those who didn't deserve it.
Eventually, I made my return to the office sometime the next week. Not understanding where my priorities were anymore, I just sort of waltzed in one day, much to the surprise of my staff.
You could hear a pin drop as everyone laid their eyes on me and watched as I walked in slowly with my head down. Normally, I was the one to arrive first, but since I didn't even care about my career any longer, I just sort of showed up whenever I felt like it that morning.
Another thing I no longer cared about was the way I looked. My hair was all disheveled and I didn't even put on any makeup that day. I at least put on a decent outfit, but other than that, it was as if I just rolled out of bed and hopped straight into the car.
The only place I stopped on my way to work was Starbucks, but it actually wasn't for me. Alana would normally bring me coffee, but since she didn't expect me to be at work, I assumed she didn't make her normal stop. She probably wouldn't have brought me coffee anyway, given how upset she was at me, but I figured I should pay her back at least once before we eventually went our separate ways.
With the coffee in hand, I made my way towards the normally quiet intern's desk near the back. The other women quickly recovered from the shock of seeing me and attempted to greet me with their unimportant chatter, saying, "How have you been, Karina?" and, "We missed you!"
I simply ignored all the fake pleasantries and continued on my way towards Alana, who appeared as if she didn't even want to look at me, and rightfully so. Not expecting her to address me back, or even show any appreciation, I mumbled in a dull voice, "This is for you," before placing the cup on her desk.
As I attempted to walk away, without another word exchanged between us, a curious expression came over her face as she glanced at the cup. "Uh... what is this?" she asked, inspecting the drink.
"It's... um... a vanilla latte..." I answered, coming to a quick stop. "I don't know what you like, but I thought it sounded good... I can go back if you'd rather have something else."
"No, that's okay..." she responded hesitantly, staring at the drink. "I like vanilla lattes... so... thank you..."
Oblivious to anything that had happened between Alana, myself and Juri, a couple of the others who were confused by my gesture, decided to chime in, joking, "Where are our drinks, Karina?"
I wasn't in the mood to explain why I only brought Alana coffee, nor did I want to waste the effort of coming up with a response. Instead, I simply ignored their questions before walking into my private office and closing the door, leaving everyone else silent.
As I closed the door behind me, I realized I was in my most comfortable state. Now that I didn't have Juri, I only wanted to be alone. The difference between my office and my bedroom, where I was used to being alone, was that I had other things to distract me besides my popcorn ceiling.
Still carrying no emotions in my eyes, I just stared blankly at the screen as I went through the documents that had been submitted in my absence. Some of them still needed my approval before being sent to the regional manager. Instead of skimming through them quickly, like I normally did, I actually took the time to read over them carefully, because I had nothing better to do.
Though it didn't come as the biggest surprise, I was still quite astounded by the number of mistakes my employees made. This wasn't a sign of them not knowing what they were doing. It was more of an indication of carelessness, probably brought on by my poor leadership.
I thought back to the days before I was a supervisor, when I was in their shoes. I, of course, was self-motivated, not needing any push from my bosses to complete my assignments correctly. However, though I showed the most effort, the entire staff seemed to work diligently because they had a supervisor who was worthy of respect.
Somehow, during my time as supervisor, I forgot what was most important, and only focused on my appearance. Instead of continuing with my diligent work ethic, I allowed the others to walk over me because I wanted to be liked. I also figured it would make them believe I was a good boss, but that didn't seem to be the case with people who were willing to take advantage of me, given the opportunity.
Fortunately, as I sat there evaluating the poor work that reflected on my own disaster of a job, I tried to think of ways to fix the issues I had created. It wasn't that I was suddenly motivated or anything. With me no longer caring for others' opinions, I was just ready to do what was best for me, since I knew my employees definitely wouldn't.
The biggest issues came from one of the usual suspects, Paula. Her reports were not only done in the wrong format, but they were missing so many little details that it appeared as if she put no effort into them at all. I had been so distracted with my own pathetic life that I never paid attention to her documents unless the regional manager brought them up. Even then, I would just fix the mistakes for her.
Though Paula was the worst, it wasn't like most of my other employees were void of their own issues. It was definitely a reflection of my own inadequacies, but I could also accept that they just weren't the best workers. I thought that was true with all of them... everyone except... Alana.
As the young intern popped into my mind, there was suddenly a knock at the door, startling me. When I advised whoever it was to come in, to my surprise, it was indeed Alana, with her normally timid self, entering my office.
