Introduction
We're friends now, right? So I'm dropping the lengthy intros. From hereon I'm just going to get on with the story. Last time I left you having just clicked with a thirty-something skinhead with hairy armpits. We were bound for the pub after my very first night class . . .
And here's how it went.
Chapter Thirty-Five
You probably assume that, as a self-confessed IT nerd, I struggle to make intelligent conversation and can only contribute in grunts and monosyllables.
Not true! I may not have mentioned it before, but I could chitchat for England and simultaneously talk the hind leg off a donkey. Okay, so perhaps not everything I come out with is strictly "intelligent", but I am very rarely at a loss for words. And I'm also capable of flooding listeners with information, so they almost always miss my dumber observations amid the general torrent.
What can I say? I'm a people person at heart; that's why I'm a techie and not yet a programmer. The idea of sitting at a desk, hardly ever exchanging a verbal sentence with a fellow human being doesn't do it for me. Stuff the megabucks; I'd rather be out and about, saving the taciturn lifestyle for when I'm older . . . much, much older.
What I'm trying to say is that I wasn't short of anything to say as Stan and I walked down Skipton High Street. She seemed content to mostly listen to me and, encouraged by the fade of her habitual scowl, watching it being gradually replaced by a faint smile, I kept on chatting.
I also kept on studying her. A moment ago I described her as having a number two cut but still being attractive in a certain, rough and ready sort of a way. Let me tell a little more. I'm quite tall but at six feet Stan towered over me. Her broad shoulders were impressive, as well. Honestly, she was better built than your average rugby league forward. And she had muscles; lots of them. I guessed she was far stronger than any lover I'd ever had, Val Williams included.
Trust me; the idea of being with such a powerful woman turned me on. No, it made me self-lubricate like crazy.
Why have I only bothered with pretty girls before? I wondered. Why haven't I been with someone like this?
I liked Stan's outfit, too. Well I would, wouldn't I? She was dressed almost identically to me: red boots, blue jeans and a bright white T-shirt (it was mid-August, summer had arrived and it was too warm for my usual sweats). So, similar clobber but, height and physique aside, there was one crucial difference between us.
Stan's tits were absolutely massive.
Okay, okay, I know I sound as if I have a fixation on breasts. Maybe I do. I'm certainly not going to try to make out I never notice a nice pair. And Stan's were show-stoppers. I'd never got my hands on any remotely as big or as beautiful. Just trying not to stare was doing amazing things below my waist.
No bra and bouncing every which way. Yum, yum!!
Maybe my attempt at discretion was poor. Stan clearly realized I was salivating. Still smiling that faint smile, she opened her mouth to say God knows what . . .
Only to be cut off by her phone (with its The Weakness In Me ringtone). I politely shut up but carried on studying as I snooped on her half of the conversation.
'No, I'm going to be late home . . . I'm off for a drink . . . Yes, of course she's a girl . . . Right then, see you tomorrow.'
We'd reached the entrance to the Red Lion. Stan hesitated before going in.
'What are you grinning at?' she demanded.
'You recognizing me as a girl,' I replied. 'I often get mistaken for a "David".'
'Not by me,' she countered. 'You're obviously a . . . What; a Davina?'
'Got it in one,' said I. 'I'm struggling with you, though. What's Stan short for?'
'Anastasia,' she said, eyeing me levelly.
I was still pondering over that as we approached the bar.
*****
For anyone who doesn't know Skipton, it calls itself the "Gateway to the Dales". In other words it is on the fringe of the Yorkshire Dales National Park and, as the nearest large town, serves as a centre for shopping, eating and drinking as well as being a base for thousands of tourists. I'm sure the place has some quiet periods but don't ask me when they are. They most certainly do not include hot evenings in August.
Fortunately, by the time we got to the pub most of the diners had eaten. Stan bought us pints of Blond Witch and we found a vacant table in a not-so-crowded corner. That is to say the lounge was as good as full but we had perhaps two feet of space from our neighbouring boozers.
'I give in,' I said, not bothering to keep my voice down because of the background noise. 'How do you get "Stan" from "Anastasia"; is it back-slang or something?'
Stan grinned. 'Are you saying I don't look like a tragic grand duchess?'
'Frankly, no, you don't. But I wouldn't be wasting my time with a tragic grand duchess. I'd far rather be here with you.'
'Just us two girls together,' she observed, eying me again, 'and neither of us particularly tragic.'
'I feel quite the opposite,' I assured her. 'I feel very lucky and even more encouraged.'
'I'll take that as a compliment. And Stan is not back-slang. It comes from when I was about seven and this kid struggled to pronounce my name.'
'I think I get the gist,' said I.
'I bet you don't,' she retorted, still grinning. 'There's more to it than mispronunciation.'
'Go on, tell all.'
'The boys at primary school used to bully the girls,' Stan began, her eyes glinting. 'Didn't you get all that attention-seeking crap? Well, I wasn't standing for it. This lad called Bazza picked on me and I punched his lights out.'
'Just like that?'
'Yeah; one punch and he was flat on his back, seeing stars.'
'My hero,' said I, totally sincere.
'There was a big kerfuffle about it,' she went on. 'But nobody split on me to the teachers. It was like a code of omerta. Even Bazza kept quiet. Well, he did when he properly came round. At first he must have been still stunned. When they asked who hit him all he could say was "It was Stan". And that was that; the name has stuck ever since.'
'It suits you,' I said. 'Not preposterous and very, very sexy.'
Stan's scowl was back. By then I realized it was her version of contemplation and just smiled at her.
Sexy, I thought. Oh yes, yes please . . .
'How old are you, Dave?' she eventually enquired, reaching across the table to touch my hand.
'I'm nineteen next month. Dare I ask . . .'
'I'm old enough to be your mother,' she said.
'Well thank goodness you're not! I desperately need to take you home to my bed. And I couldn't do that if you were my mum, could I?'