Unfaithful Christmas

"I hate you."

"Please don't say that. Dillon I love you."

"You love me? You love me? You have one hell of away of showing it. I can't stand the sight of you."

Karen gave me the type responsive of a guilt ridden woman. She covers her face with her fingers and tries to use her salty tears to blunt my emotions. I heard her whimpers. I saw her big ole crocodile tears streaming down her pretty brown face. Her silky brown skin looked blush with emotions. And I couldn't care less. Cry me a river like Justin Timberlake sings and I bet her tears are as murky and dark as the Mississippi. She reaches out and tries to grab my hand but I snatch it away from her. How dare she touch me?

"Some Christmas morning," I huff around the bedroom like rouse up bull. "You have ruined everything. Wasn't I there for you? I gave you love when I should've been focused on myself. I turned my back on my dreams. And for what? So I can have a very un-merry Christmas. What a gift I got."

The fire inside of me burned with white hot intensity. I couldn't even look at her without wanting to put my hands around her throat but my mother raised me better. I wouldn't hurt her physically like she hurt me.

"Dillon, please stop and talk to me. I'm so sorry. He took advantage of me. He was my mentor. I thought I could trust him but you were right. You were right all along. I'm sorry."

"You are sorry for what? Are you sorry that you cheated on me with your superior? Are you sorry that he treated you like a piece of meat and fucked your brains out on video cam?"

"I'm sorry it happened. Dillon, baby ,please just listen to me."

"Or maybe you are just sorry that I took my gift back? I held you in my arms and told you that I loved you. I got down on my knees at the Music Soul child concert at The Pageant and purposed to you after he performed his love song. I hate you."

"No you don't." Karen said as she wipes away her tears. "I've hurt you. I know but we have hurt each other. You are not perfect Dillon Harris and neither am I. I know I should have talk to you after it happen but I was so scared of losing you. I felt so sick the next morning when I walked in and saw you lying on the couch. I saw the fire in your eyes when you looked at me. You talked to me with so much anger in voice that I was scared that my confession of what happen the night before would push you over the edge."

"And the next morning," I scream. "Don't forget I saw everything you did."

"What are you talking about?"

"I saw everything." I yell. My voice echoed through out the upstairs bedroom. "I saw everything. I saw him fuck you on the couch. I heard you moaning out his name with sweat on your face. I saw him spank your ass and pull your hair. You claim you were drunk and he took advantage of you but how do you explain the next morning? He filmed your dumb self again the next morning. I saw you riding him on his pull out bed. I saw you on your back with your legs in the air. How do you explain that?"

"He's just trying to destroy our life together Dillon." She starts to cry again. "He pounced of me while I was still sleeping in his bed. He was already inside of me before I fully woke up. He wouldn't let me leave until he got off."

"So that's your excuse? He forced himself on you again while you slept in his bed after having anal sex with him the night before with no protection. You didn't look like a woman being forced too me."

"Don't look at me like a slut." Karen snaps and invades my personal space. "I'm no slut. If you wasn't driving me insane with all your intimacy issues and treated man like the queen by your side then maybe I wouldn't found myself in that predicament."

"So it's my fault you starred in that man's personal porno flick and got pounded up the ass like a porn actress? I hate you scandalous Saint Louis women. That's what STL stands for scandalous type ladies. You dirty..."

I bite my tongue and stopped myself from calling her out her name. When it hurts so bad that the only comfort you can stomach is in the satifisation of making some one feel the same hurt then it's time to move on.

"Go ahead," Karen sticks her arms straight out in the air. "Call me a bitch if that makes you feel better. You treat me like one anyways. I invited you to live in my home when yo broke ass was still living under your mother's tits. I didn't ruin your life I enhanced it."

She finishes her statement and stares in my eyes.

"You know what I'm leaving before I kick your ass." I said before I move her to the side of the bed and snatch up my gym bag and the black trash bag full of my earthly belonging from the floor. Karen runs to the bedroom door.

"You aint going no where."

"Watch me." I said looking at my five-foot-five soon to be ex finance.

"No." Karen yells and sticks her arms out to barricade the door way. "I've played second fiddle to your low life friends and held my tongue when you came home all drunk and high after being in the studio. I've worked to damn hard over the past two years to let you walk out that door."

"Get out of my way." I said as my bags drop back down on carpet. If she wouldn't move then I will tear her away from the bedroom door.

"Don't touch me." She screams and her high pitch brings bells to my ear. "Sit down on the bed because you are going to listen to what I have to say."

"I heard it all on video camera." I said in disgust. "You are just like the rest of these stupid women out here. Jacob and Suave were right about you."

" My friends said I was stupid to hold on too you so tight. You didn't want to work. All you ever wanted to do is smoke weed and complain about no one giving you respect. You claim I nagged you. I just wanted you to live up to all the potential every one sees in you. I've waited damn near two years for you to grow up and be a man. I made a mistake Dillon. Please just sit down on the bed and talk to me."

"Talk about what? Rather you swallowed or not?"

"Keep on talking to me like that Dillon." Karen threatens.

I didn't except Karen Davis to lounge herself at me like a wrecking ball swinging at a brick building. I'm five foot eleven and weigh two forty five. I got six inches and over hundred pounds on her. But then again, I didn't except to wake up Christmas morning and find a mysterious email from AOL. The header read wild office parties in Saint Louis. I thought Karen sent the email. It was forward from her address. I open the email and downloaded the links and got the shock of my life. I saw my beautiful soft brown woman sitting half dressed on a couch I didn't recognize. I took one look at her pink and black lacy bra pulled down and my heart stop. It was that night. That night she didn't come home from her office Halloween parties until the next morning. She told me she had got intoxicated and spent a night at her friend's house. She was drunk alright. She stared right into the man's camera with glazed over hazel brown eyes. Her plump brown breast dangled free from the confinement of her bra as she sat with her arms crossed between her bare thighs. I couldn't tell if she still had panties on or not. She looked over to the left and I knew some one was with her. He purposely was standing out the frame. He pointed a camera right at the cushion green couch in his loft. I heard his voice and it spent chills down my spine. I knew that voice.

"Karen stop it." I said as I pin her down on the carpet floor. "I don't want to fight you. I just want to leave here."

"Let me up Dillon." Karen demands. "If you are such a big man then let me up. I wish I could stab your big ass."

"That's it."

I quickly get up from on top of her and let her arms go. I went to look for my bags when Karen jumps on my back. We tumble to the bed. Karen sits on top of me and I don't know what she's trying to accomplish. There's nothing she can come up with in her twenty four year old mind that will make me want to stay.

"The only reason he sent you that email is because I got fired for harassment. I stopped him from coming by his office. I told him how I felt about him taking advantage of me in a vulnerable state of mind. He knew we were having problems because I came to him as a professional and comfy in him. We use to argue so late into the night that the next morning I would fall behind in work from being so emotional drained."

"It's back to my fault. It's always my fault."

"Listen to me." Karen pleas for my ear as she continues to pin me down on the back. "Remember when you walked out on another assignment and went off to Tennessee with the Double Up Boys. You left me for three weeks and when you returned you had a funky attitude. Remember how much we fought then?"

"Yeah I do. But did that mean you had to sleep with some one else because we fought a lot back then? Only reason we fought is because you were mad and thought I wouldn't have enough money to buy you the ring I promise you."

"No, Dillon that was not why I was mad at you. I was mad because you left me without a warning. You left me alone when I needed you most. I had just started working at A.G Edwards and instead of being able to relax and learn my new job I worried about what you were doing down south. I worried if you didn't come back how I was going to pay the rent on our townhouse, and the cable bill and keep the lights on. That's was the reason why I was mad at you."

"Get up. I'm not going to leave." I said as I tap Karen's thighs. "I'm cool. I'm calm. I'll hear you out before I go. So tell me this why did they fire Mr. William Douglas the third."

"He was stalking me at work. He wouldn't stop emailing me at work and he would always come and sit by me in the lunch room. I told him to leave me along and in fact that I was getting married soon and he laughed and said that I just a tease and needed a real man to tame me."

"You needed a real man to tame you. Wow!" I said stun.

"When he wouldn't stop emailing me I printed out some of his emails and took it to human resources. Apparently I wasn't the first female coworker he had harassed before. They called him in the office on a Monday and by Friday he was cleaning out his desk. They told everyone at work he resigned but I knew he got fired."

"So they fired him but that still don't explain what happen. How did you end up in his apartment?"

"Dillon," Karen looks into my eyes. "Please know that I love you and I didn't mean to do anything to disrespect you. I love you. I love your family. Your sister is going to be my maid of honor. I would never want to hurt her big brother."

"Karen please," I said after hearing her opening statement. "Just tell me the facts. How did you go from a party downtown to that man's loft?"

"Oh god," Karen puts her hands to her face and cries again. "I'm so ashamed. I know when I tell the whole story you are going to hate me more. I know you hate it when I drink too much. I know I should've listened to you instead of feeling like you were trying to be my daddy. I know you are only four years older then me but you have a way of talking to me sometimes that gets me so upset."

"What happen?"

"After the office party me and a couple of my co-workers from the office went to have drinks at bar. I was so mad at you, Dillon. You fought with me the whole time I was getting ready. You basically called me a whore for wanting to go out and mingle with people I worked with."

"That's not true." I said defending my actions. "I didn't like that tight pink cat suit you had on. I said you looked like a woman in the cathouse then a young professional analysis. I know you Karen. I know how you get sometimes especially after you've been drinking."

"I'm so sorry." Karen cries intensify. "I didn't plan on staying out all night. I didn't know William would be there. He overheard me complaining about you to Shonte. He joined us at the bar and offers to pay for our drinks and order us another round."

"You can talk to anybody but me." I shake my head in deeper disgust.

"It wasn't like that. I thought Shonte had my back but she hooked up with some guy at the bar and asked if I could get William to drop me off. He said he lived in the down town area but that he was willing to drive me to North County."

"So how did you end up at his place?"

"I got so drunk that I threw up all over myself in the parking lot. William said if I needed to I could freshen up at his place. I don't even remember driving to his place or how I got up to his apartment. All I remember is waking up on his couch in my underwear and William standing over me with his shirt off. He told me he messed up his shirt trying to help me in the parking lot."

"Don't stop." I insist. "Tell me what happen next."

"Dillon please doesn't make me finish this story. It will only upset you more then you are now. I don't want to fight with you anymore."

"Karen, tell the story."

"What do you want me to say?"

"Tell me how you ended up on America's naughtiest video."

"He sat next to me on the couch and said that I was the most beautiful woman he ever laid eyes on. Can I stop now?"

"I hope it took more then that for him to get you to do what I saw him do to you."

"He took advantage of me. That's what happened. He stripped me out of my cat costume and started rubbing on my thighs and telling me how beautiful my eyes were. I was still too intoxicated to comprehend what he was doing to me. One minute I'm sitting down on the couch with my arms folded between my legs trying to figure out how I got there and the next minute he's kissing on my neck and..."

"And then what happen?"

"No." Karen declares. "It's in the past. It happen and I swear to god it will never happen again."

"Karen do you want me to be able to trust you again?"

"Yes baby I do."

"Then you have to stop with this nonsense and tell me what happened."

"What more do you want to know? He kissed me and started to rub my face. He said I had a beautiful soft brown skin complexion and that my mother must be one striking woman to produce a daughter so sweet. He knew I was mixed because I told him before that my father was half Italy and half Mexican and that my mother was black."

"So he kissed you and rubbed your face. Why didn't you stop him then or call me to come pick you up from his place?"

"I don't know Dillon. I doubt if I could even stand up from his couch without falling down. I didn't know where my purse was and he kept on touching me and telling me how attracted he was too me."

"And you were obviously attracted to him."

"No. Why would you say that?"

"Why would I say that? Baby, I saw the video

clip. I saw the way you cradled his head when he put his lips on your breast and the way you ran your fingers through his hair when he went down on you. You liked it. The look on your face and the deepness of your groans let me know what's what."

Karen goes silent. She sits on the edge of the bed and cradles herself like an infant baby. I lean back on the bed and try to shake the images of watching another man put his mouth of my woman. Not just any man either but some white guy. I can't believe she let some white guy fuck the shit of her! He kissed both her lips and she let him. He stuck his tongue between the crack of her cheeks and she liked it. He pulled out his penis and she discovers that he was as hung as I was. She touched it and allowed that man to lick her wet lips. He kneed down on his knees and what happen next I was finding hard to come to grips with.

"Where are you going?" Karen asks. Her voice sounding strained from all of her crying.

"To the bathroom." I said and slam the bathroom door behind me.

William was a cold hearted bastard for what he has done to me. He sleeps with my woman and video tapes it in October. He sends me a video clip of it from her email address on Christmas morning. I look at myself in the mirror. I know I wasn't the best boyfriend I could have been. I was still growing as a man myself. I am twenty seven years old. I don't know all there is too know about women but I was trying hard. When the Dubs started acting funny over my publishing rights and Karen started bitching at me about not putting the effort in it takes to keep a relationship strong I made a decision. I parted ways with my old rap group and got serious about life. I stop checking in on Jacob so much and spent less time in Sauvé's tattoo parlor and more time with Karen. I stop smoking weed and cleaned out my system. I applied at KV Pharmaceutical and got hired on as a first level chemist. The pay wasn't spectular but it was enough to keep us in our cozy townhouse in Hazelwood and enough for me to start to save for our wedding day. I felt content in my decision. Even when Suave said she had me wrapped around her Afro, Italian Spanish finger. I thought the hell what he thinks. Karen Davis is the woman of my dreams.

"Dillon, baby come talk to me." I hear Karen's voice through a locked door.

What a Christmas morning to remember. This is not how I thought I would be spending my Christmas day locked in a bathroom trying to fight the urge to cry. I reach into my pocket and pull out the small red box with the white bow that Karen's been trying to get her hands on since last week and open it. It wasn't a Hope diamond by any means but I put five hundred dollars down on it and agreed to pay another two hundred and seventy five dollars a month for six months so that my baby could have a diamond karat engagement ring on her finger. I was willing to sacrifice a few weekends and work double shifts at the lab to ensure that she had a very merry Christmas.

Christmas night and I find myself driving at excessive speeds down Interstate 70. I bop and weave from lane to lane as I sip hot vodka straight out of the bottle. There's a liquor stay ran by people from India less then a block from our complex. I brought a bottle of Orange twist, a pack of Newport's and a box of Swisher Sweets cigars. I haven't smoked any thing since I came back from Memphis. But tonight I didn't care if I lived or die let along cared about surprise drug tests or cancer. I remember how surprise Jacob looked when I showed up at his door drunk and wanting to buy a bag. He gave me a twenty sack of green for a Christmas present and asks if I was alright. I didn't say anything. I just gave him dap and stumbled back into my car. I smelled the bag and watched as a couple of feins high off of Christmas crack congregated on Jacob's block.

It was hard to hold the wheel steady when I pulled off. It might have been brightly lit houses in North County and Christmas lights on the different restaurants on Natural Bridge but I was driving down the dark streets of North Saint Louis. I felt my phone buzzing in my pocket and when I went to pull it out I temporary lost control of my 2003 Jeep and hit the side of a light pole. I didn't even get out the car to check the damage. I continue to make my way down town.

It's a cold December's night and I find myself walking the stones of the riverfront. I look out into the muddy Missiippii River and seriously had thoughts of taking a long swim in its dark waters. Saint Louis, Misery. That's what my boys use to call this foul city and the state that birth it. I've had so many disappoints here. I never have gotten along with Saint Louis women. Never. I didn't talk right or dress fly enough. I didn't have a big shiny car sitting on chrome rims or splurge on overpriced club drinks. I had given up hope on finding a soul mate until the day my younger sister introduced me to her ex college dorm mate from Purdue. When I first saw Karen I was memorized by the five foot five silky brown skin woman with the hazel eyes and the sweetest baby face. She was twenty one then and though I found her extremely attractive I was weary about dating my little sister's friend. I know how I am with women. I was selfish, spoiled and conceited. But my swagger as only skin deep. I was also a twenty five year old college drop out living in his parent's basement. I switch jobs faster then I switch love interests but Karen seemed so different to me.