Truth and Consequences
It had been a tense couple of weeks after that particular visit to Shaka. Dee had checked the paperwork and her calendar a couple of times immediately she had got home. She should have been OK. She should have been protected from the consequences of her own... She wanted to say 'desires', perhaps even 'needs, but she knew she should say 'stupidity'. Even with that small possible risk it had been crazy to let Shaka cum in her. She swallowed a little as she thought about that moment. How his deep brown eyes had gazed into hers. How he had seemed to capture her soul in that moment. How she had known that if he demanded it she would give him anything in her power to give.
It had been earthy, elemental, natural. The most natural thing in the world. A man and a woman whose desire for each other would produce new life, their child. It had been the most natural thing and she had desperately wanted it in that split-second before he had filled her with his seed. She could not deny that. She had wanted it, wanted it more than anything. She had been willing to risk everything, to face the possibility of losing everything. She remembered vividly how she had held onto Shaka's strong body, held him to her as he had shot his seed deep within her. She remembered how she hadn't wanted to let him go - to break her contact with his strength, his power, his vitality.
A moment of madness. Perhaps. She had certainly thought so over the following couple of weeks. When she looked at her beautiful daughters - when she smiled at some precociously clever comment of young Davey. How could she have been so foolish? How could she have risked hurting them? Because it would hurt them, hurt them terribly. David might be a total wash-out as a husband but he was their father and they loved him, just as they loved her. As a teacher she had seen enough results of family break-downs. Some children were strong and resilient. Others were not - had to be especially cared for so that the hurt and mental scars might have a chance to heel. She was proud of her children. She believed that they would be in the first category. She just prayed that she would never be responsible for putting them to the test.
A moment of madness. Wasn't even that lying to herself? It hadn't even been one night of madness. It hadn't been the night at the club with three Black men whose names she still didn't know, it hadn't been the aftermath with Shaka taking her unprotected, it hadn't even been the night sleeping between the warm bodies of Georgia and Roni. The next morning her friends had driven her to a pharmacy. She had known why. The morning-after pill. Also, perhaps, a test of her commitment.
The latter didn't matter. Dee had her own rules, her own code. One was that you had to take responsibility for your actions. She taught her classes that and she was not a hypocrite - she truly and deeply believed what she taught. If you enjoyed the wild ride then you had to be ready to pay the price, to accept the possible consequences. Taking that pill just wouldn't have seemed right to her and it would have left her forever wondering what might have been. The odds had been massively against her getting pregnant, the risk hadn't been so great - that time at least.
So she hadn't been swept away in a maelstrom of lust and desire. She also hadn't been coerced or intimidated. It had been her own decision, a decision coolly taken while sat in the vehicle outside that pharmacy. The decision to let things work out as they would work out. The decision to own her actions and yes, if necessary, to own the consequences too.
That was what she told herself but she knew that there was another side to her decision too.
It was like mountain-climbing or driving a car at 200 mph or cliff-diving or any of a thousand such pursuits. It was the risk that made life so bright and vibrant. The wait would be like a gambler watching the roulette ball fall or the last card turn. The higher the stakes the stronger the rush and stakes didn't come much higher than those she had been playing for. She'd just have to be really careful in the future. She sent that message firmly into her brain but already knew that in the most instinctive regions, where mother nature kicked logic's butt every time, the message might not last long if it was received at all. She would only find that out as time passed.
Dee had three children - she knew the signs of pregnancy as well as any woman could. The next couple of weeks were spent being hyper-sensitive to every one of them. Once or twice she had felt the cold grip of real fear. Had seemed to sense those first signs. Had perhaps imagined them or, though she would never have admitted it, may even have yearned to feel them.
In time her body had told her that there would be no new pregnancy. Her reaction had surprised her. On the top, of course, a huge joyous crescendo of relief. But there had been that other reaction, that reaction deep down in her very being. Regret. Disappointment. She had realised with terrible certainty that there was a part of her that desperately wanted it, wanted to have Shaka's baby. No matter the risks or the consequences - it was there, deep in her soul.
Shaka had twice now said that he would wait until she was ready. If David had said such a thing she would have been frustrated beyond measure. She would have accused him of dodging the issue, of heaping all the responsibility onto her as usual. This, however, was different. She didn't doubt what Shaka wanted. She also knew there were moments when she would give him what he desired, give it joyously and without reservation, heedless of the consequences. Heedless until that next morning, those next weeks, that moment when the consequences of her decision became clear.
It was weakness on her part, she knew that. She knew that there shouldn't be any question about this. But she also knew how she had felt when she had seen that photo of Shaka's wife and children. His children were so beautiful.
She remembered again that moment when their eyes had met. Did he know? Did he realise what she felt? Had he realised it even before she had?
Shaka had allowed this to be her decision. Why? She had a real suspicion that she knew. He was confident that he would get what he wanted either way and he preferred that, when the time came, it be her decision. That would make her his even more.
Sat in her kitchen at home she felt herself shudder a little. It wasn't fear that she might be right about him. It was the very real fear that he was right about her.
***
Shaka had kept her to himself the previous Saturday. He had taken her out for a meal - really the first time that they had ventured out of an almost all-Black milieu together. The restaurant had been in the Capital but seemed a million miles from Shaka's normal stomping grounds.
Not that it had been unwelcoming. The clientele was mixed, if overwhelmingly white, and the food and service were of the highest quality.
Shaka had picked out her dress for her after she had modelled three or four for him. That had been fun in itself - the sort of fun she'd stopped getting at home years ago. Shaka's choice had been a vivid scarlet number which left her shoulders, arms and upper back exposed. The material was bunched into small pleats everywhere except over the bust. There the material stretched to clearly show the curves beneath. It was really every bit as revealing as the dress she had worn to the club that first time but there was a massive difference. That dress had looked cheap and had blatantly signalled her availability. This dress looked anything but cheap and it was just amazing for Dee to wear. It made her feel like a million dollars and look ... like an unobtainable goddess.
Shaka had already taken her to a salon. He'd handed her over to the women there and just said, "Do your magic," before leaving Dee to their gentle ministrations. Hair, nails and make-up were all given their attention. It was amazing. The hair stylist was African-American, perhaps fifty. She had appraised Dee carefully and then just gone to work. She hadn't seemed to do anything dramatic - basically she had seemed to do just what Dee's normal stylist did. However, there was some magic in those scissors. The changes were marginal but they were all for the better. It was the same with her make-up. Nothing blatant, nothing outrageous - just little touches but every one combining to make her look and feel great.
