I stared in disbelief as Shavonda's emotions played havoc with her.
"Boo," I said gently, "have you been taking all your meds?" Shavonda had been prescribed a couple of antidepressants about a month previous.
"Yes," she replied. "All of them, even the new one."
Tamika and I looked at each other in alarm. "What new one?" I demanded. "When did you start taking a new one? And why didn't you tell me?"
"I started Tuesday," Shavonda explained. "The doctor gave it to me for my panic attacks."
"Panic attacks?" I was livid now. "You had panic attacks? Why didn't you tell me? Where is this medication?" I watched as Shavonda fished the vial out of her purse and handed it to me.
"I thought you knew," Shavonda was in tears now. I felt bad. I didn't mean to make her cry. "You held me at night through some of them."
It began to dawn on me. Those nights when she'd cried while I gently rocked her were panic attacks. I'd assumed it was just the depression kicking her ass but it was something more. Shavonda was afraid. She still blamed herself for the deaths of several people. Tony, her ex fiancé. The baby she'd carried that Tony had caused her to miscarry. The family who died when Tony hit them head on after running Shavonda off the road. All of this years ago, apparently buried in her memory until recent events had caused her to relive that day. It made sense now. She was afraid something bad would happen to those around her, because of something she'd set in motion.
I looked at the vial she'd handed me. Klonopin. That was the new medicine. An anti anxiety drug. I quickly grabbed the laptop from my duffel bag and did a google search. Just as I thought: there was a drug interaction warning for Klonopin with the Prozac and Trazadone she'd been taking. My queen was being pulled in several directions by the medications. They were fighting each other for control, probably causing her erratic behavior over the past few days, behavior that both Tamika and I had noticed.
.
I hugged my wife tight. "Von," I said. "You can't take this any more. I don't know what your doctor was thinking, but this stuff is interacting with the other meds. One of the side effects is short term memory loss. We'll find another way to deal with your anxiety, but I can't have you forgetting what you did the night before. What if you double dosed on your meds because you forgot you'd taken them? I'm not going to lose you over this."
"Jason," Tamika said, "We gotta go set up the booth. Brian and I can handle it. You stay here with your wife. Von, we'll handle the booth today until you feel up to it."
We spent half the day in the room. Eventually, Shavonda's mood swings straightened out, but until they did, I held her, running my fingers through her hair. "I'm sorry," she said softly. "I don't remember what we did after the bar. I woke up and panicked. I thought you did something to me in my sleep. I know you'd never willingly hurt me. I'm sorry I freaked out on you."
"It's ok," I said in a soothing voice. "I can take you to the hospital if you want to go. But you have to trust me. Everything we have is built on trust. If we don't trust each other our marriage won't work. I need to trust you too. That's why you can't take any more of those pills. I can deal with the depression and the panic attacks. I can't deal with you turning on me like that. Promise me you won't take any more of those klonopins." I kissed her forehead to soothe her.
Shavonda pulled back and stared at my neck. "What's that bruise?" she asked.
"Oh that?" I laughed. "You don't remember, but last night you gave me one hell of a love bite."
"I did that?" she asked.
"Yeah, I guess you were marking your territory."
"Mmmm, I could mark the other side." Shavonda smiled at me, hair wild. She looked so sexy. She always looked sexy to me.
"Only if you promise to remember it this time." We both laughed, rolling on the bed. I had my wife back. If it was only for a few hours I'd take that.
We'd taken a quick shower together, soaping each other up and enjoying the feel of our hands roaming. But we stopped short of shower play, only because we were late to the booth. Dressed in our regalia, we hurried the 8 miles to the festival grounds.
Upon our arrival, we found Tamika relaxing at the booth. Brian was still working for his friend at a food concession nearby, and once we'd gotten settled in, Tamika ran off to join her new husband. We let her spend the rest of the day with him, since they were nice enough to handle the morning setup for us. Sales were brisk as usual. Shavonda's handmade pendants and bracelets were popular at the festivals, and she told me how she'd discovered this by accident.
"Tamika and I went to the Ren fest several years ago," Shavonda said. "Tamika had heard that they were a place where the bigger ladies were appreciated instead of being fat-shamed. She didn't want to go alone, so I tagged along. We had a blast! And Tamika got A LOT of attention. I always told her she was a beautiful woman, but now for the first time in her life she was surrounded by men who saw that beauty. We also noticed the various booths selling trinkets, and we got the idea we could sell our stuff here too. It turned out to be the best business decision I ever made. Not only did we sell a lot of product at the fest, but we also handed out business cards. After the festival was over, people we'd met here started to come to the store and our business took off all year around. After a couple of years, we'd grown large enough that I could open the second store. That's when I met you."
I was beginning to fully realize how much hard work Shavonda had put into the business over the years. In addition to all that work, she'd been blessed with the unwavering support of her Aunt Velma and Tamika, who stood by her through some pretty rough times. Add some extremely good luck and Shavonda had built an empire. And she did it on her own terms.
I knew she never wanted to be the 'token' anything. She never wanted people to think she'd gotten what she had because she was black or female. That was why she'd decided to go into business for herself in the first place. Edie was who she didn't want to be. Edie had risen through the ranks at her place of employment by learning as much as she could, and doing her job better than anybody else. Yet some of her co-workers still complained that she got promoted because of her color. It had to hurt, knowing that no matter how hard you worked people didn't believe you'd deserved your position. By owning her own business, Shavonda avoided all of that. Sure, she'd taken advantage of some programs that aided minority small business startups, but that had only gotten her started. The rest she'd done on her own.
Yes, my queen was formidable. She'd overcome the odds and some devastating events in her life to become the woman I'd fallen hopelessly in love with. And right now, she managed to keep going even though her inner life was turmoil. I was proud of her and I let her know every day. I tried to be there for her to lean on.
The one thing I hadn't counted on was that my own actions would cause her to doubt herself. I'd sensed her deep depression but not the panic attacks she was experiencing. Because of this, I'd misread the signals she was putting out. I'd held her for the past couple of weeks but not pushed for anything more. Shavonda had taken that as a sort of rejection, fearing that I didn't desire her anymore. Nothing could be further from the truth. In denying her, I'd fought an internal battle with myself. I was so horny I could have pounded nails with my erection. I'd held back thinking that was what she'd wanted and needed when in reality what she really needed was for me to make passionate love to her. To tell her just how much she meant to me, and to give her the pleasure that would make her forget everything else if only for a few hours. Her self-confidence had taken a hit, and part of her anxiety was the fear she was losing me. Which led to the prescription for the anti-anxiety medication which had interacted so tragically with her antidepressants.
All of this we talked about between customers. We really had a heart to heart talk. And I made sure she knew she was my heart. We chatted and laughed, eating the turkey legs Tamika had brought us. Then, there, I knew we were going to be alright. That whatever life threw at us we'd find a way through, together. There was too much at stake.
I told her I sometimes had to hold back my lust because I didn't want her to think I only saw her as a sex object. While the mere sight or touch of her bare skin was enough to still drive me wild, our connection was much deeper. Her reply floored me. "What makes you think YOU aren't the sex object." I stared at her in disbelief for a few seconds then we both burst out laughing. "The look on your face was priceless," she said.
