I was more and more tired lately of his screwing me and then leaving. Some days things between us were so good, better than good but some days his life got in the way. Even after more than three years together he was still not ready to admit to loving me. Not to his Irish brethren, who knew better. Not to the world. And was I okay with that? No.
I watched Cian while lying on my back in my bed, as pissed off as I was able to be at this point. He moved around my bedroom pulling on his clothes. I could tell from the expression on his face that he was already somewhere else mentally.
Which door tonight? I thought.
Door A: I spend the night alone crying in my bed.
Door B: I go out with friends and drown my thoughts in alcohol—Fuck it!
"Where are you going?" I asked him again.
He acted like he didn't hear me and continued to get dressed. This was the third or fourth time. Deciding I'd had enough of his ignoring me I jumped up from the bed, still completely naked, and grabbed his keys.
"What the fuck are you doing Keya" he snapped at me then without pausing "Give me my fucking keys."
As he lunged for them I moved out of the way. My only option was to run into the bathroom and lock the door, which I did.
In the bathroom silent tears trailed down my face. I angrily swiped at them.
"I am so damn tired of this Cian" I yelled from behind the locked door.
"I have to go. Give me my keys" he said again, highly impatient this time.
"No."
"Open this fucking door before I beat it down" he growled pounding hard on it enough to frighten me.
"Fine" I came out. "Here are you stupid fucking keys" and then I tossed them onto the floor.
His cell phone beeped again, like it had been doing for the past hour. He looked at it, picked up his keys from where they'd landed. He kissed me on the cheek and then left.
^^^^^^^
When I met Cian
Three years ago when Cian and I met I would have never thought that falling in love could be so damned painful. I hated him most of the time. I hated that I had gone to law school and he had gone into the family business after college which kept him busier than my law school classes.
His behavior lately hadn't been about having to work. It was about the redhead he'd been fucking for the past few months. Part of me wanted nothing more than to let go of him but I just couldn't. Rihanna was right when she said it was like an addiction because somewhere along the way my life had begun to revolve around Cian.
After our first night together he had tried to stay away from me and when he found he couldn't I told him I would stay away from him. Although I was better at staying away than he, it didn't change a thing. If I wasn't in his bed most every night or he wasn't in mine it was he who came looking for me.
The first time that I went out with someone else he beat the living breath out of this guy and told me I'd better not ever do some shit like that again. This had come three days after him telling me he couldn't see me anymore.
As time went on I began to want him with a really deep hunger and need. I was sure he felt the same for me. After all, I had become a part of his life. Even his friends began to see me as a permanent fixture in his life. I think the only one who didn't see it was him. The guys would tease him mercilessly, Aidan especially. Aidan was more than a little racist and couldn't understand his friend's fixation with me.
Still as messy as our relationship was I was happy to be with him, I felt at home in his arms and with him between my legs. I would have been content to love him forever because he made me feel like I belonged to him, with him. It was intoxicating. At least until Jenny happened.
^^^^^^^
The Jenny Situation
I had rushed over from my last class to Cian's apartment. I was excited about a grade I'd received in a class I and was in a hurry to celebrate. It was almost six o'clock in the afternoon. It had been raining earlier and was still wet out but the skies had cleared at least. There was obviously a party going on when I pulled up because there were cars parked everywhere.
I bypassed the smoke filled living room, the people I didn't know and went directly into his bedroom where I found a pretty blond lying underneath his blanket, totally naked. She'd jumped a little when she saw me. I guess I had startled her by coming into the room unannounced, then following her gaze across the room both our eyes landed on a naked Cian. He looked like he had just gotten out of the shower. In the next second I was all over her, I mean literally. I wanted to kill her.
It took Cian, Niall and someone else to pull me away from her while Aidan stood smirking in the doorway. I had never felt so much pain in my life as Cian's two goons still held me and he had the nerve right in front of me to hold her and check on her.
"What the fuck is wrong with you?" he barely spared me a glance.
What was wrong with me? This coming from the same asshole that was known to explode in a murderous rage with little or no provocation. I only told you about the first guy he beat down. That guy was far from the last. Who the hell did he think I'd gotten my temper from? He'd completely rubbed off on me. I wasn't the same shy and timid girl he'd met at a frat party. What was wrong with me? He was what was wrong with me.
Watching him tilt her bloody face up to his tears began to slip out of my eyes of their own accord. I felt like I was bleeding to death and he was taking care of her.
"Get off me."
I yanked as hard as I could and the guys who were still holding me tight released me probably because they heard my sobs and knew I wasn't going to do anything else. Cian had taken her into the bathroom anyway.
^^^^^^^
After the Jenny incident Cian and I stopped all forms of communication. The first thing I did was cut my hair. I had let it grow out but now I cut it so short it couldn't be gripped or pulled. Cian loved to pull and tug at my hair during sex and if he was mad at me. It was over and I was going to be happy.
Zabrine, a guy from my job asked me out after giving me a compliment on my new hairstyle one day. Zabrine was sexy, tall cocoa colored skin, athletic build not too muscular but just right. I said yes. He took me to a new place called The Underground. We grabbed a table, ordered some drinks, and then he asked me to dance. On the packed dance floor I had to yell to be heard over the music.
"Why did you bring me here Zabrine?" Of all places.
This place was like any other Irish pub that I had begun to frequent since being with Cian. He caught the uneasy way that I was looking around.
"Oh I'm half Irish" he said against my ear. Of course I thought. I nodded to him while laughing inside at the irony of the situation.
A slower song came on, he pulled me close and whispered that my dress looked phenomenal on me, felt phenomenal on me. His hands slowly and softly traveled up and down the length of my bare back and lower still. His thumbs grazed my breasts. I was not wearing a bra and he was turning me on. In his arms I was surprised not only by my arousal but by how I wasn't thinking of Cian every second. When he asked me if I wanted to get out of the place I felt I was ready and I said yes.
He held my hand as he pulled me through the crowd toward the coat room. I admit that I was looking at his ass in his jeans and not where I was walking until I ran into a solid wall. Actually it was Niall. I looked up to apologize and froze when I saw his huge self right in my way. It was something about the way he was looking at me.
"Hi, how are you?" he asked but he didn't move out of my way.
Getting Niall to say more than that was like pulling teeth. Sometimes I thought if he wanted he would make a great bodyguard or bouncer. I wasn't in the mood to be polite.
"Are you going to move?" I snapped.
"Yeah" he said. And when he did I saw that his huge frame had been covering the fact that Cian was across the way looking at me. My head snapped around before I could tell it not to. I was trying to gauge how much he could have seen on the dance floor. Slowly my eyes crept back to Cian's. He had this grin on his face like he knew what I was thinking. Even from as far away as we were I could tell the smile didn't reach his eyes.
I was mad that seeing Cian had killed the desire that I had been working up to all night with Zabrine. Still I allowed Zabrine to take me home and even kiss me. Tasting his mouth was like eating warm butterscotch candy, I probably would have sucked on his tongue all night if he hadn't been the one to pull away. I guessed that he needed to breathe.
"So can we continue this upstairs?" he asked.
