I Cant Choose

My name is Nancy and I have never considered myself to be beautiful, pretty, cute or even adorable. I am white and have been blessed with brains but I think I lack something in the looks department. I mean I have a nice body but I have a giant issue about my face. I don't have or have ever had a skin issue, but I just find myself to be unattractive.

I date ever now and then, but nothing ever becomes more serious than maybe a date or 2 and once in a great while there is some sex, mostly oral and rarely intercourse. I make excellent money, have stocks, bonds, savings, checking accounts, an IRA and a 401K from work. I have offered to work extra hours so I don't have to stay home alone some nights which make my bosses happy but makes me sad some nights and depressed.

My bosses paid my way to take another course for work and it kept me away for 2 weeks. I actually let me hair down a few nights and went out on the town to do some clubbing and some dancing. One night I was out and met this very sexy black guy and we hit it off really well. His name is Dwayne and he was breath taking-handsome and sexy. He seemed to be so into me and I couldn't get enough of him. We danced, we drank and we eventually left and went back to my hotel and had some really steamy sex - oral and vaginal. We fell asleep in each others arms and lucky for me I had a night class the next evening.

I treated him to breakfast and we talked and he asked if he could see me again and I said yes. We exchanged numbers and after my class was over that night I called him and we talked. I had another week to go and he was thrilled and asked to see me 2 additional nights and I was happy to do so. We danced and ate and drank and always ended up in my hotel room for sex and I'm not complaining as it is the best sex ever and I could feel myself starting to fall deeper for him and it appeared he was feeling something for me too.

After returning to work, I was still getting calls and we did meet up for dinner and dancing a few times more and again ended up in bed. He was so sexy and I loved how he made me feel. We made tentative plans to go away in a few weeks for the weekend but I had to cancel as I again had a follow up course in another city. I asked my guy to meet up with me there but he was actually going to be away for 2 of the 3 that I was going to be gone and the third week he was going to be doing presentations every day. We talked every morning and every night.

I was at my next set of classes and a few nights I just went back to my hotel room, made my call to Dwayne and picked on something for dinner, watched a little tv and went to bed thinking about Dwayne. The weekend came and of course there were no classes for me and Dwayne was tied up so I decided to go for an early dinner and maybe do a little gambling on the slots.

As I approached the slot machines, I could see in the distance a great looking black guy that made me think of Dwayne and how much I missed him and being in his arms. I started to play and this God-like man sat next to me and introduced himself as Jim. Talk about sexy - wow and he was talking to me. We made small talk and then we talked more and more and drank more and more and before I knew it, yup, I was having sex with Jim and enjoying it also. I couldn't believe the run of luck with the men I was having of late. I was so upset with myself that I cheated on Dwayne with Jim but tried not to think that way. I wasn't bound to Dwayne and Jim was a great guy.

He and I hung out for almost all the free time I had. He lived in the next town from me and he said he had his own place too and hoped we would get together when we got back home. We had some quiet times, some wild and sex filled night and I still called Dwayne daily. I wondered how I could feel this way, but I was falling for Jim also. It was like a dream come true but I had to choose one of them because I didn't want to hurt either one of them.

I wrote down on paper the pros and cons and the good and bad points of each guy and found them to be at a deadlock for my affections. I had to keep a calendar for my dates with the guys so I didn't book them both for a date on the same night but it happened, I managed to book them both the same night and invited them to the same place at the same time. I didn't realize it until I was sitting with Dwayne and Jim showed up.

I thought I would have been in deep crap with both of them when they both ended up at my table. I introduced them to each other and had dinner with both. I told them that I have had so much on my mind from work and the classes lately that I don't know what I'm doing anymore. They were both civil to me and to each other but each of them pulled me aside and told me that I had to choose one of them and it has been difficult to do so.

That was just before Christmas and I still don't know. I can't choose between them because I really love them both - equally. How did it come to this I wondered and didn't want to commit to just one of them because I loved them both. I was proposed marriage to by Dwayne and Jim wanted us to live together. I didn't know what to do and who I wanted to turn down easily but I asked my bosses for time off for a personal problem and they granted me off 2 weeks. I had each of them come to my place for dinner and then I had them come over the same night.

I made a wonderful dinner and was stalling for time as they were anxiously awaiting my decision and I couldn't do it that night - I didn't want to hurt either one of them. I had them both on the couch next to me and then I experienced a pain in my stomach unlike any pain I have ever had before in my entire life. It was getting worse so Jim called for the ambulance. I was admitted and they found out that I was 2 months pregnant. I didn't miss a period so I didn't know that I was pregnant. The only thing was tha I didn't know if it was Dwayne's baby or Jim's.

As I was laying in bed, I had to stop and think about who had dropped their load inside me and I came up with "they both did" and it was within the 2 month time frame. They wanted to do a blood test and I was starting to wonder if I could have them both but I'm sure that one wouldn't like that I had the other one's baby.

As I was told that I would have to be confined to bed for the remaining 7 months of my pregnancy, as I was having some issues of bleeding. Both men stood by me as my pregnancy progressed and I wasn't pressured by either to do the blood test. They were civil to each other and better than I expected.

In my head I had to decide who I wanted to be with and I didn't want the paternity of the baby to make my decision for me. Early in my ninth month I has having cramps and had to be admitted to possibly have a "C" section and take the baby from me so I do not bleed to death. I called for the ambulance myself and called both guys to tell them what was going on. The both met me at the hospital. I was brought into the operating room where sadly I learned that I had a still born. I was so upset and depressed and no matter what either guy said or any of my family and friends said to me to cheer me up, I didn't want to hear it.

It's been 9 months since I had my still born and I still can't get over it. I named my baby boy Michael after both of my grandfathers. I did not want to have an autopsy performed to find out who the father was and they did not put me on the spot.

I have been going for some counseling to help me get over the death of my baby and they have both been of great support and help to me but I am still in the same position I have been in for 9 months - who do I choose?? Who do I want to hurt?? I don't know if I can choose and I don't want to hurt either one.

Decisions, decisions.....

What would you do if you were in my shoes??