Joe drove. Barry sat silently in the back. I shivered in the front seat, huddled against the door, alone with my thoughts, alone with my confused feelings of shock and disbelief. I totally didn't know what to think. It must have shown on my face. Joe reached over with one hand, took mine, and gave it a squeeze. He was still holding my hand when we turned off Main Street and into the Walmart carpark which wasn't exactly down by the river but it'd do. There wasn't anyone else parked there. It was nice and quiet, just the floodlights and us, which suited me fine because I wanted to scream. Loudly!
With the engine off, it was silent inside the truck. I took in a deep breath. In and then, very slowly, out. Again and then again, pushing out the stress and the worries and the upset and angry thoughts with each breathe. Trying to anyhow! Trying to calm and center myself. Failing miserably! I felt like I was going crazy. Joe slid over, put an arm around me. I leaned into his embrace, shivering.
"You're cold," he said.
"I'm not."
He didn't say anything but Barry was listening. He took his leather jacket, reached over the seat back and hung it over my shoulders. I did feel warmer. I was still shivering though.
"Drink?" Barry held out the bottle. I had no idea what it was but I raised it to my mouth and swallowed a large mouthful.
"Jesus!" After I finished spluttering, my throat stopped burning and my eyes stopped watering I rather more carefully took another, much smaller, mouthful. I felt the fire and then the glow as it worked its way down.
"Goddamn white man's firewater," I choked out once I could speak. Still, I wasn't shivering anymore. I was definitely buzzed and the glow felt good. My cheeks were already flushing red. Damn that Asian alcohol intolerance gene. I better not have much more. "Jesus, what IS this stuff?"
I guess it's easy to spot I wasn't a heavy drinker, I had no idea what it was except that it tasted worse than Mom's Chinese herbal medical teas and they could be pretty disgusting. I could already feel it hitting me. Barry was laughing as he took the bottle from me while I was still spluttering. "Jack Daniels. Hayley, you're drinking straight whiskey. You better go easy on that stuff, much more and you're gonna be flat on your back."
"Yeah, well, that won't be anything new. Will it, Joe?" Did I sound cynical? Well, excuse me!
"Shit Hayley, I said I was sorry," Joe muttered.
His arm was still around me, solid and safe and reassuring. Well, strike safe I guess. Just make it somewhat reassuring. I shrugged, reached behind me and took the bottle back from Barry.
"You think saying sorry makes a difference?"
I didn't normally drink the stuff but then and there, I felt like I really needed a couple more shots to help me calm down. The third mouthful left me with a relaxed glow. After the fourth, I sighed and leaned my head against Joe's shoulder. I just wanted someone to hold me. Joe would do. He looked at me, then took the bottle from me and knocked back a slug himself.
"So tell me Joe, what did you and Steve talk about, you know, before the party?"
I didn't really want to hear it but I needed to know. I blinked back sudden tears. I mean, it was hard to believe that it was Steve who'd initiated the whole thing at the party with Joe. If you'd have asked me, I'd have said it was the kind of thing Joe would do. Not that the sex with Joe hadn't been great. It had been unbelievably good. I wouldn't have spent the whole night and half the next morning being fucked by Joe if it hadn't been. But like I said, it hadn't been what I'd planned, which had been to give myself to Steve. I mean, that had happened but it had been a bit incidental to Joe fucking me god knows how many times. I didn't blame Joe, but I did want to understand what had happened. What had Steve been thinking? Why? Why would he want to do that to me? I wiped my eyes angrily.
Steve and I had been an item for two whole years. Two whole years of my life! I was eighteen years old. That was eleven percent of my entire life. Eleven point eleven, I automatically corrected myself, at the same time damning those math's tutorial programs my parents had put me through when I was younger for the involuntary irrelevance of those decimal places popping into my thoughts! I'd spent the last three weeks blaming myself and feeling awful about what I'd done to Steve back at Joe's party! Only to find that he'd been the one who'd initiated what had happened. To say I was upset and angry was to put it rather too mildly. I felt betrayed. I felt used. I felt sad. I felt deceived. And tonight had made everything I felt ten times worse!
Tonight I'd thought that we were back together again. I'd been so happy when I'd seen Steve at my front door. So happy that I'd flung myself into his arms and begged him to forgive me. I'd given myself to Steve eagerly, I'd been grateful that he was willing to have me back after the way I'd treated him. But in reality there had been little for me to forgive. Steve had only been trying it on yet again. And I'd felt terrible about what I'd done to him? Well fuck Steve and the horse he rode in on! Fuck him!
Yes, I was a little angry, as you may have gathered. Mostly with Steve! Beside me, Joe took a deep breath.
"Well, you know you asked me about borrowing my room so you and Steve could fuck."
Barry opened his mouth. Joe silenced him with a glance. Barry's mouth clamped shut. He looked at me, then at Joe. He seemed to decide to just shut up and listen. Good decision, Barry, I thought to myself. He was now likely the only one who knew about this whole sorry mess who was going to get out of it unharmed. Because the way I was feeling, someone was definitely going to get harmed. Somebody was going to suffer besides me. Probably Steve, but if Barry said the wrong thing, he was going to get one of my Doc Martens to the balls regardless. And yes, I was feeling that mad.
And yes, before you ask, I was wearing my Doc Martens. I liked them. You don't see too many Chinese girls wearing Doc Martens, I know, but I wasn't just any Chinese girl and they kind of went with my style. Anyhow, those Doc Martens are good for kicking. Things. People. Guy's balls. Not that I'd ever intentionally kicked a guy in the balls except in sparring at Tae Kwon Do that once and then I'd been so apologetic about it. But tonight was shaping up to be a good night to start.
"Fuck's not quite the word I'd use Joe, but yeah, I haven't forgotten that." Except it was supposed to have been a romantic night of love, my first night with a man! My special night with Steve! Roses and candlelight and romance! Not just a fuck. Fuck it!
"You didn't tell Steve anything about what you were planning did you?"
"No. It was supposed to be a surprise. I thought it was a surprise." Did I sound sad when I said that? I guess I did. I was! Well, what had actually happened had definitely been a surprise for me! Of that I was very sure.
"Yeah, well, probably, but Steve must have been having his own thoughts about what he wanted to do because back at the start of the week he asked me if he could use one of the bedrooms as well."
"You mean both of us asked you? Joe, why didn't you tell me?" I looked at him accusingly.
"I thought you guys were planning a little surprise for each other and it all seemed so cutesy pie that I didn't want to mess it up for either of you."
"Well that didn't work out too fucking well did it? I mean, you fucked it up for me in the end didn't you! You fucking fucked ME Joe!" I probably sounded as mad and as hurt as I felt right then. Joe looked upset. Jesus! That was a first with him. Chalk one success up for Hayley! I'd never seen him upset over a girl before. "So what's this shit about Steve putting you up to joining him and me?"
"Jesus Hayley, I feel like a real asshole," Joe took another mouthful from the bottle. He actually sounded like he meant it to. Would wonders never cease?
"Yeah, that'd be right, you ARE an asshole sometimes Joe," Barry chipped in for the first time. I found myself agreeing with him. I'd always liked Barry. I suddenly found myself liking him a hell of a lot more.
"Yeah," I agreed, reaching for the bottle. Joe passed it to me and I drank; then passed it back to Barry. The Jack Daniels was going down rather more easily now, it only tasted awful, it no longer tasted as bad as Mom's Chinese herbal teas. I was definitely buzzed. Definitely! Jesus, I was half-crocked.
"And Joe, we both know I liked what we did that night, so get over the saying sorry shit, okay? So let's just be real fucking clear about what happened. I really enjoyed you fucking me, okay. You were great and I'm not feeling sorry for myself at all about what you and me did and I fucking enjoyed it, okay! However, I am feeling very fucking mad with Steve right now. So just fucking stop the fucking waffling and fucking saying fucking sorry and fucking tell me, Joe, is that fucking okay fuckit?"
My voice was rising as I spoke and I was swearing a little more than normal. I think I'd actually just said fuck as many times in one sentence as I'd said the word over the entire rest of my life. It was going to be used more tonight for sure. I could feel it inside me! The rage wasn't exactly being bottled up! In fact I could feel myself starting to become un-bottled! I really wanted to scream and then kick something. Hard!
"I fucking well want to fucking know what Steve said, okay? I mean, fuck it, we both know what actually happened between us and I'm okay with that so fucking forget it, okay! What's done is fucking done, okay!"
Joe nodded. "Okay, okay." He paused for a second or two, visibly gathering his thoughts again. "Yeah, well, you told me you were gonna fuck Steve and back in the middle of last week Steve and I were having a few drinks. He kept asking me if I thought you were good looking and of course I told him I thought you were really hot..."
"Thanks Joe," I said dryly. Barry laughed. I glanced at him, gave him the cold-face look. He shut the fuck up. Good boy, Barry!
"And then he started rabbiting on about how it really turned him on to think about watching some other guy fuck you. I told him he was nuts but he kept saying he'd been reading this stuff on the web, stories on this really great website he'd found about guys watching their girlfriends and wives and stuff being fucked in front of them by other guys and it was a real turn on, he couldn't stop thinking about it. He kept saying he wanted to watch some other dude fuck you and then he wanted to fuck you after. I kept tell him he was crazy and to stop jerking himself, all those stories were just fucking make believe, guys like him jerking themselves off."
