Freaed Out

That Monday after the trip, my head was in complete disarray. At the Monday meeting, I hardly paid attention. It was as if I was in some weird world where nothing made sense. On top of that, the morning sickness decided to kick in. I sat there and every smell in the room was intensified. My stomach was doing backflips. As soon as the meeting was over, I made haste to the bathroom to puke.

When I returned to my desk, I had a message from Ken, "Please come see me." I stood to my feet and went into his office. I approached his desk and stood, "You can have a seat." I looked at the chair and slowly lowered myself into it.

"Is everything okay?"

Inside I was screaming, but I responded, "Good. Everything is good."

He looked at me with concern as he looked down at some papers, "I see you requested a week off."

"Yeah, some personal stuff going on, I have to go to Charlotte to help my mom deal with some stuff." That was partially true. I was going to Charlotte to be closer to my mom. I needed her. I was a mess and I needed to get my mind right. I told her I was thinking about moving to Rock Hill. I had a job interview there.

He nodded, "Is there anything I can do to help?" he asked. He was that kind of guy. He was as nice to me at that moment as he had always been. I just finally realized; he wasn't mine. And I had to break myself free of him. Even if it meant keeping the fact that I was pregnant from him.

"Alright then." He responded.

I stood up. I attempted to turn, his voice sounded, "Are you going to have an abortion."

I turned back to him, "Excuse me." The look of shock on my face.

He walked around to me, "I know you didn't get your period in Florida."

I stared at him. I shrugged, "I don't know what I plan to do just yet but rest assured, I will not burden you with my decision," I nodded and left.

At the end of the day, Noni stopped at my desk. She looked into my brown eyes with hers, "You're not coming back."

I shook my head. Her eyes watered, she hugged me, "Please keep in touch."

"I will. As soon as I get settled."

*******

It's weird how your mind plays with you; torments you. Reminds you of all your mistakes. I found myself in the park that night. I went to the spot where I normally stopped to watch the ducks play in the pond. I sat on the ground. I had a sharp blade in my hand. What was I going to do? I was too embarrassed about what I had done and the child I carried was a sin.

How would I explain him or her to anyone, even to the child itself? I had created a perfect mess. I took the blade, I stared at my wrists, cut longways, you'll bleed out faster. No one will find you until the morning, I thought.

I heard a voice, "Hey sis, you don't want to do that." I turned with tears in my eyes.

"Sean?" He sat next to me and reached for the blade and tossed it into the pond.

"Whatever it is, it's not worth it."

"You don't know what I've done. I've created just...my life is just a mess."

He rubbed his beard, "We've all done things we're not proud of. It's how we recover, which determines the strength of our character."

I couldn't help but smile. I nodded, "I'm pregnant for a married man."

"So, that was the complicated situation you were referring to." He blew out, "That's a big one, but...you're not the first woman to get caught up. The real question I have for you is, if you had it to do again, would you make the same choice?"

"No." As much as I loved Ken. I would not have. It wasn't right. I had no claims to that man and I should have known, the odds of him leaving his wife for me, a poor Black girl with no connections or status was slim to none, no matter how much he loved me.

"Let me take you home, make you and the baby a nice little snack and we can talk about whatever, I just want to make sure you're okay."

He stood and reached his hand out to help me up and we walked to my apartment.

My apartment was pretty simple, I didn't like a whole lot of fuss. He looked around, "I see you like to keep things low-key." He walked into the kitchen with me.

"Yeah, I didn't know if I was going to stay here after college. But then I got hired on at the agency. Now, I'm thinking about moving."

His eyebrows rose, "Really."

I pulled out some pots and pans and he looked inside my refrigerator, "Dang when is the last time you been grocery shopping?"

I laughed, "I don't buy a lot of food, it's just me and I don't cook so..."

He found some deli meat and shredded cheese, "You got some bread?"

I went into the pantry and handed him the bread. "Oh look, you have some bacon and avocados too, you're going to love my turkey bacon avocado melt." He turned on the stove, "So, you said you were thinking about moving, is this like a sure thing or just something you're tossing around in ya head," he asked as he whipped up the food.

I smiled, "If I get the job that I'm interviewing for, I'm leaving at the end of the month."

His face saddened, "Here I was ready to begin our new friendship and now you wanna leave, that's messed up."

"I won't be far. I'm moving to Rock Hill, to be closer to my adopted parents and birth mom. I want my baby to have family close."

"That's cool, I'm in Charlotte a lot. My parents live there." He smiled. The kitchen smelled right and I was starving. He handed me that sandwich on a plate, the bread all nice and golden, the cheese melted to perfection, the meat hanging off the bread.

I bit into it and my taste buds came alive, "You're right, I do love this. I can probably eat this every day." He laughed and made himself one. We sat and talked for hours, about nothing and everything. When it was about 1:00 am he said, "I guess, I better let you get some rest."

I walked him to the door, "Thank you, Sean. I don't know if I was going to do it, but, I'm glad you showed up when you did."

"Everything happens for a reason. I'm just glad I was put in your path at the right time. And if you ever need me to talk you down, just call. You already know I can cook. A pregnant woman and a chef, we can be best friends."

"True. True."

I wrapped my arms around him. He wasn't as tall as Ken, but still pretty tall, his frame a little thicker like he may have played football, running back type build. He smelled like Kenneth Cole. I stepped back and smiled, "Goodnight or morning."

He smiled, "See you maybe tomorrow?"

I nodded.

********

On Tuesday evening, I received a call from Ken. He wanted me to stop by the office. So around 5:30 pm, I went. The front door was locked, so I went through the back and I found him in his office. I wanted to kiss him, slap him, yell at him, but I simply said, "Hi, you wanted to see me?"

"Yeah," he sighed, "You're not coming back." He stated. "I looked inside your desk; you took everything."

"I just figured with the circumstances, it's best if I leave. I don't want to cause problems for you or Amy."

He nodded, "So, you're keeping it."

I nodded. "I'm moving at the end of the month. So..."

He went into his drawer, "I created this account, I'll deposit money to help. I did want a child with you and I swear--"

I took the information from him, "I know. It's just, I don't blame you. We got caught up, but the reality is, you were never mine."

"I am yours. My heart belongs to you. Please tell me that it was real to you."

I walked around to him, "You were my first. And honestly, I always had a little crush on you. I love you still and I'll probably love you always. I have part of you growing inside of me."

He smiled and touched my belly. "You're a good man Ken and if we met under different circumstances, I know you would have been the best husband and father." I kissed his lips.

I started to leave, but he placed his hands on my hips, leaned in and our lips touched, when I felt his tongue dancing with mine, I knew. Oh, he wanted to dive into my pool one last time. He looked into my eyes. "Do you want me?" I asked flirtatiously.

"Always." He replied with certainty.

"Show me." He stepped back and went downtown, pulling off the panties I wore and began to feast on me like he hadn't eaten in days and what I possessed that which provided him nourishment for life. I watched him as he worked his spell on me. He was gifted with his tongue.

When I flinched and grabbed his face, he came up for air. I reached for him, undoing his pants and he was ready to receive me. "Up," I said. He picked me up and I felt him enter. He felt so good.

"Did you miss having me inside you?"

"I did baby."

"I missed feeling you."

He walked over to the sofa and sat. I was still mounted on him, the way his hands caressed my back and ass, the way he kissed my neck and suckled my breasts, divine. The way our voices got higher as we climaxed. I looked into his eyes,

"Goodbye, Ken."

His eyes were misty. "I want to know when the baby is born. I just want to know. I promise not to interfere."

I nodded, "I'll keep you posted. I have to go now."

He smiled, "You can't stay just a little bit longer."

I smiled. He had often told me, he loved the moments after we made love when we'd just lie in each other's arms, listening to the sound of our hearts beating and the sound of our voices fading until we'd fall asleep.

"I can stay a little longer."