I'm reading you a chapter out of Adrienne maree brown's book "we will not cancel us" as you rest your head on the pillow next to me. You look so cozy and cute I occasionally glance at you huddled inside your blanket hood, your precious little face peeking out of the fold in the blanket. Your soft, slender fingers curled around the part of the blanket that's tucked under your chin.
The chapter is called "unthinkable thoughts" and it's about the obstacles we face as abolitionists when punitive justice continues to co-opt our movements. As your listening deepens, so does the draw of your breath and you're beginning to watch my words blend into your imagination, floating through dream states behind your closed eyelids. Your eyelashes rest on your cheek bones. As I read to you, I'm dreaming about our future- I imagine reading you to sleep for many years to come. The rise and fall of your breathing deepens even further, and you look small enough to fit in my arms and simultaneously the expanse of your breath envelops me entirely. When I finish the chapter, I look at you and pause. You're asleep. I set the book down.
I'm just watching you now, your face still and peaceful with the occasional furrowed brow. I wonder what you are dreaming about. I hope it's something that makes you feel good. Staring at you while you sleep makes me feel like I'm melting into the softness of the planet. I feel at home. I feel safe. I feel tingly.
My eyes trace your jawline up to your ear. I crave the feeling of your soft yet sharp jaw on my lips. I reach my hand over you, this big lump of blanket, and I rest it on what I'm pretty sure is your back. You let out a tiny moan and wiggle closer to me, inviting me to rub my hand up and down your back. You're perfectly still again and your lips begin to ever so slightly part open. I want to kiss them so badly but I don't want to wake you up. You need rest. Your head has been messing with you lately and you haven't been getting a lot of sleep.
I nuzzle my forehead into yours and close my eyes. I can feel your warm breath on my face and the steam coming out from inside of your blanket. "You are the stillest sleeper I have ever met" I think to myself. And right in that moment you open your eyes, it almost startles me. You close them again and I see your cheeks rise and the corners of your eyes wrinkle. You're smiling. You blink your eyes open a couple more times, let out a big whine/grunt, throw the blanket off of you and climb into my arms, resting your head down on my chest.
"Te amo", you say, as I feel the weight of you grow heavier; you're falling back asleep.
"Te amo realmente" I whisper as I kiss the top of your head. Your soft hair drapes across my bare chest. Your palm rests on my lower abdomen. You let out another little baby noise and squeeze the skin of my stomach with your sleepy hand. I feel a warmth surging through my entire body. Every part of me feels free, like I'm flying. I take a long breath and as I exhale I tighten my arms around you, pulling you closer. You're completely limp. Our legs are all tangled together and I can feel myself pulsing on your thigh. After a while of laying there, throbbing for you, I decide to close my eyes and drift off to sleep. Maybe the sexual frustration won't be so agonising if I just sleep it away.
My dreams are vivid. We're together, I think we're in Italy? But maybe an italy that I've only experienced in video games. Anyway, we are in italy and we're at a restaurant on an outdoor patio, eating, laughing, holding hands, and kissing. We have to bring a crystal to this witch on the other side of this park before sundown. I don't remember why.
We leave the restaurant and as we walk through the park I watch the way your eyes glisten when you look at me, the way your hair falls in front of your face. Your smile is the brightest most brilliant star I have ever seen. Suddenly, I find myself pressed against a tree-- you're holding the collar of my jacket and your body is pressed against me while our lips lock together for an epic make out session. We are writhing back and forth and every time you thrust my hips back into the tree trunk your pelvis rubs against mine in the perfect spot... I'm moaning and you're sliding your hands up into my shirt.
