CHAPTER 2: GUILTY PLEASURE
It seemed all weekend was spent with doubts, questions, and recriminations. Friday night had been wonderful. There was no possible way to doubt or question that. The issue was how and why had it even happened. Nothing, it seemed, about that night fit into the person I had always believed I was. I had two primary priorities in my life: my professional career and my marriage. As it turned out, my middle-management ex-husband didn't prioritize either as highly when he walked out of our marriage because, in his words, I wasn't exciting enough. I guess the much younger woman he went off with was. In my mind, it wasn't a fair criticism. If I was boring in bed, it should mean he was, too. Friday night had been when I had mustered the determination to prove it wasn't me.
In all that time of reflection and self-recrimination since Friday night, I knew how it had happened and even why it had happened. The real question wasn't that but the guilty pleasure that was that night and the argument I had with that side of myself wishing for me to feel and own that guilt. It was out of character for me to argue the position that guilt wasn't required or necessary. I was, after all, a single 38-year-old woman divorced and now finding my way after 13 years of marriage ending in betrayal. Being 6 months since the divorce, it should feel like a desperate rebound reaction on my part. Rationally thought out, I knew I had debated Friday night with myself and only after recognizing that I deserved more happiness and fulfillment beyond my job did I venture out to see what I might find ... and to prove my ex wrong.
Encountering Travis had been a surprise. Especially someone who didn't seem solely intent on an easy score, even if that was what he ended up with. He had been charming, considerate, and engaging while we had a few drinks. That he was also tall, handsome, and buff apparently didn't hurt, either. The decade of age difference never came up as an issue. Maybe the older woman thing was real? Maybe the big strong black man thing was real? Or, maybe just real enough to add fuel to the encounter?
Regardless, the internal argument over the weekend had resolved itself to a comfortable conclusion. I was secure enough in my ability to balance professional and private lives. It was obvious what the private life should look like and, in the latest arguments, was sex still something relegated to marriage as I had always been told and believed? What did the pleasure of Friday night mean, then?
* * * *
"Good morning, Ms. Wilson," my assistant greeted me Monday morning. "How was your weekend?"
I stopped at her desk outside my office with a smile that wasn't quite honest. "It was ... fine, Alice. How about yours?"
She was a young, exuberant woman who was consumed in a new relationship and a wonderful boyfriend. I was prepared as she went on for several minutes about that. I offered another smile, quickly scanned the cubicles in the HR department to check on everyone, then retreated to the sanctuary of my office.
I turned on my laptop computer, checked the office phone for messages, and settled into beginning my day. Mid-morning I picked up my cell phone despite having not heard a ping or ring indicating a message or call. I held it in my hand before tapping the contacts icon. I scrolled through the contact until ... Travis Brown. I had allowed him to put his contact information into my phone. I liked that about him, too. Rather than asking for my phone number and opening myself up to be pursued if I didn't want to be, his action allowed me to be in control of any future contact.
He gave more than I had anticipated to include his job, company, and website. 'The Gym'. He said he was a Fitness Trainer but I expected it to be at one of the big fitness clubs in the city. 'The Gym' was unassuming but intriguing. So intriguing that I did a search for it. It was a small facility in one of the many strip malls just outside the city. They advertised equipment, hours, and specialized training options including sports and general fitness. It had locker rooms with showers, sauna, and hot tubs in each. The membership was reasonable, too. At the bottom was a link for 'Who We Are'. I had to smile. I liked this, too. Travis had said he was a fitness trainer but he turned out to be more as I read, 'Travis Brown -- Co-owner and Primary Sports and Fitness Trainer'. With all the things I had already seen about him, he was also modest.
* * * *
It took me days because I was fighting the growing impulse, though the potency of arguments I attempted to give myself was weakening considerably. I held my phone in my hand for minutes before entering contacts, then another minute staring at 'Travis Brown' before pressing on the name and then the call icon.
When he answered with no familiarity, it reminded me that I had the contact info, not him.
"Travis ... this is Tessa ..." I began.
"Tessa Wilson," he finished. "I've been hoping you would call."
"Umm ... good ... thank you ... I mean ... ugh." I took a breath. I could almost see a huge smile on his face while holding back his laughter. "I really enjoyed ... before."
"Before?" he responded. "Are you saying before we met?"
"NO ... Travis ... I mean when we were together."
"Yes," he responded, "it was very good when we were TOGETHER."
"Travis, this is hard for me."
"Okay, but just one more."
"What?"
"Hard ... it's hard for you? You think it's hard? You should be here if you want hard."