A High Country Tale
Columbine and Bells
Ma'am, if looks could lick, I'd be an ice cream cone...could you please stop the video?" Jeremy did not like to be streamed live without his consent. It happened more than he or I wished for, what with the current state of technology. My man was verifiably photogenic. And nothing if not outspoken.
We were cooling down at the water fountain by Barton Springs after our morning run and the woman had caught sight of us from somewhere. The dogs lapped greedily from the water bowls at our feet, humid weather taking its toll on the two rescues we lived with. Our running attire consisted of running shorts, sweat socks and Asics in this weather. Jeremy's resultant exposure highlighted the superb anatomy he honed.
Sweating profusely, our shorts must be just about soaked to see-through. Apparently deciding that we desired social media exposure, the lady brazenly approached us, android raised and rolling.
Not. Neither desired, nor happening.
The ill-mannered woman didn't seem to hear, or chose to ignore the polite request. Likewise, the second request. So, JFK's plan B went into action.
"Luke, got your phone?" he palmed his hand my direction. Understanding his intent, without comment I retrieved my iphone from the plastic baggie in my sweat sock, handing it over.
Jeremy raised the device, centered his face in selfie mode, set the video function to record and approached her. Phone in one hand, other hand lewdly cupping his prodigious package.
Head-on, he closed the gap between them, beginning his practiced response to such intrusions, "This be Brother J-Man, coming from Zilker Park in Austin. My man and I are finishing our morning workout here, folks, and are experiencing an uninvited and unacceptable encroachment by an elderly shemaleβat least it appears to be-- in search of cheap-ass thrills."
The pear-shaped woman didn't lower her phone, continuing her recording of the minimally-clothed black stud before her. How Ugly-American is this woman, I thought? Go, J-Boy.
Jeremy continued his play-by-play, now flipping from selfie to projection of the video streamer herself, "May I introduce...Cruella De'Ville...recording us without our consent, from a public space here in the heart of Austin, Texas. Capitol city of the state where the Texas Recording Statute 16.02 of the Texas Penal Code --- a law prohibiting single consent recording --- is the law. Please say hello, Ms. Elderella, and could you tell everyone here on YouTube what your real name is so we may make proper attribution? Of course, we can just enter this video into the FBI data bank for auto-match, if you prefer."
The middle age woman finally registered the scenario unfolding, wisely choosing to cease her rudeness. But, only under this flip back duress. She lowered her device, glowered toward the handsome man daring to stream right back at her streaming video, turned on her heel in retreat mode and vacated our vicinity. Epithets leaked loudly from her mouth in diarrheic nastiness, sealing her rep.
Awkwardly tripping over a brick in the paved walkway, she nearly capsized into the adjacent flower bed. "Stand up, Pearl, that is definitely NOT your best angle," Jeremy snickered at the double-wide moonshot, "and if I find my sweaty butt on display by your recording upload, know that not just your extra-wide is gonna be next to it...your subpoena will be posted, too. Have a nice day, sweetie."
I was stifling my own reaction to this hilarity. Both Jeremy and I were well aware that no such law existed in this casino-capitalistic realm. Austin existed as supremely weird, progressive and populated by the most professional populace in the big state. It was, nevertheless, under the quaintly regressive control of red-state ignorance, politically. No-holds-barred laissez faire conservatism, as oxy-moronic as that sounded, thrived here in the home of the Lone Star. Just like in Old West times, 'Anything Goes" remained the state motto. As long as it pushed the far right agenda.
We routinely viewed Wyatt Earp and Dale Evans strutting the streets and by-ways of our city, leg irons strapped proudly on. Much to our chagrin. Dame Ann Richards must be turning over in her grave and Barbara Jordan's sainted ghost was channeling Casper in blanched embarrassment, too, at the backasswardness holding sway here... disapproval duly noted..
Though not too common in an area full of self-absorbed college kids, there remained a small portion of the citizenry bent on vicarious involvement in others' doings. The vaunted Ugly American Syndrome. Did we really wonder why the rest of the world viewed us the way they did? The myopic perception held by the Ms. De'Ville types lent itself to the firm belief that Texas was truly 'God's Country'... They really should travel more.
We forgot the gauche event quickly and brushed off the people rooting Jeremy's actions. He and I ran one of our daily loops this way every few days, enjoying the verdant lushness of the area. Many amply-endowed bodies exercised here and attention to individuals approached mundanity at this point.
Jeremy and my jungle fever union had been a presence for years now, and we enjoyed relative anonymity, most times. Episodes such as this were less and less common in the 21
st
century, in contrast to our early days in the 1990's. The novelty had worn off for the most part.