Wishful Thining

Wishful Thinking....The story continues.

I really appreciate your comments thank you!

I have more in store for you all and I won't say it's not going to be rough

But what doesn't kill you makes you stronger...right? This next part of our story may hit home with those

Of you who have experienced abuse of any kind. I have been encouraged by my friends, my baby and my therapist to lay it all out there to maybe help someone else and that's a tough crowd to refuse so here it all is...I have also included a different way of telling this next series. I "interviewed" Mike to get another scope to our story...So like it or not...here goes!

Blessings

Taylor.

There's darkness all around. I can't see my hand in front of my face. I look up and there, miles above me I see a small circle of light. My heart is racing and sweat soaks my body. I am shaking so badly I can barely stand but somewhere inside I know that if I do sit it will happen.

The slithering rustle I can faintly hear will consume me if I give in and collapse to the cold dirt floor.

I pray silently and desperately for help or death whichever comes first. My lips move but I am careful not to make any sound.

He is listening..Always listening and waiting for an excuse to prolong the torture. No matter what he does I vow with an iron will not to let him break me. Something brushes against my toe and I bit my tongue to keep the scream silent.

The noise builds inside me like a hurricane and I can no longer keep myself from bellowing with fear. Waving my arms frantically I beg for mercy. Yelling for all I am worth I can feel myself slip.

In the distance I can hear someone calling me.

"Taylor.....Taylor...It's ok...I've got you...Stop!" A gentle hand touches my face but I struggle against it. Not daring to believe I am safe. Finally consciousness takes hold and I am aware of my surroundings.

Gasping for air I stare wildly around our bedroom...Our bedroom. With it's safe walls and Mike's strong arms around me. I wipe my sweaty hair from my forehead and not saying a word I burrow into Mike's neck and get as close to him as I can.

Mike rocks me and inquires softly.. "Was it like the others?" Not trusting my voice I nod and will myself not to cry. Mike sighs deeply and asks, "What can I do?" I whisper a reply "Just hold me ok."

Drifting back off to sleep I feel safe with Mike's arms around me.

The next morning sitting at the breakfast table I knew like always there would be awkward silences and I hated it. I don't know why I was having those nightmares again but I knew where they came from.

Mike and I had stayed up many nights talking about my past with my stepfather and the things that had happened to me but I was a coward and had not shared "everything". I knew I wasn't giving Mike enough credit for being able to handle the things I was desperate to tell him but I just couldn't do it. I knew without a doubt that if I bared my soul my life would end...that was the power that "he" still continued to have over my life and I didn't know how to get it back without going over the edge.

*Mike*

God I am so frustrated! After about a year of Taylor and I being together he suddenly starts having these horrible nightmares. I have no idea what to say or how to help him. It kills me to see him going through this and we've talked...which was like pulling teeth.. but he opened up and shared some of his past with me. I tried so hard to keep the look of shock and total horror off my face but I don't think I succeeded.

I know there are some things that he's not telling me and I am terrified of what those things are.

If the stuff he told me is awful...what must the things I don't know about be like? How does a person go through something like that and stay sane?

I watch him sleep and search for signs that he's in the grips of another nightmare and I am filled with such a desire to protect him from his demons. I have had two other relationships in my life but none like this.

I feel like he is the other half of me and my every thought is of him..Will Taylor like this? I wonder what would Taylor like? Sigh I know...it's kind of sappy but I thank God above every day for bringing this special man into my life.

I know he thinks I am going to get fed up and leave..Do I wish things were easier? Do I want a "normal" relationship without the past hanging around? Sure! But if having Taylor in my life means that I get all the baggage then so be it! I just wish I could make him truly believe that no matter what he has me for as long as he can stand me.

We have such a connection he and I. When we are making love we know exactly where to touch each other. I love it that I can just look at him in a certain way and turn him on. I was in the shower the other day smiling like an idiot just thinking about him when I heard Taylor stirring in our bed. I dried myself off hastily and rushed in to "save" him from yet another nightmare but from the blissful look on his face and the erection he was sporting is wasn't that kind of dream.

I slowly drew the sheet from his sleeping form and took a moment to drink him in. In spite of the few scars as past reminders he truly was beautiful. Stocky and all muscle but soft as a marshmallow on the inside. I planted soft kisses on his feet and inched my way to his stomach and proceeded to lick his navel. Feeling his cock growing even harder against me just made what I was doing even more satisfying. My hands found their way to his nipples and teased them into stiff peaks and I stretched my body over his loving the feeling of our skin touching.

I couldn't restrain myself any longer and in one smooth motion I engulfed his rock hard length with my mouth causing him to moan loudly and suck in his breath. I felt his hands softly touch my cheeks.

"Mornin darlin" Taylor's voice was still soft with sleep but his body took on a life of it's own. I growled with frustration as he drew me up his chest and captured my mouth. Our tongues danced each wanting possession of the other and I felt myself harden.

Taylor flipped us over so he took the dominant position and began to tease me just as I had done to him. He knew all my erotic places and used that to his advantage. By the time he reached my throbbing cock I was begging for mercy and just wanted him to fuck me. Instead, slicking up two fingers he eased them inside my quivering hole and began to massage my prostate. My body bucked and moved and I thought I would go insane from the sensations I was experiencing.

His lips found my nipples and he attacked them with vigor. The combination of both sent me over the edge. I felt my balls draw up and time stopped. I exploded, sending thick ropes of come over both of us. Taylor withdrew his fingers and licked me clean. Then lent in to share my taste with me. I moved once again to pleasure him but he stopped me.

"No. That was just for you," He said smiling. His arms went around me held me tightly against his chest. I could hear his heart beating and his hands caressed my hair. I didn't know what I had done to deserve this man but I certainly was going to do everything in my power to make sure he stayed mine.

*Taylor*

I walked slowly towards the red barn door. I didn't want to look but I couldn't help myself. I was drawn to it. I heard a strange noise coming from inside. Something told me to run but my body wouldn't obey. I stood silently at the entrance, not wanting to let "him" know I was there. The consequences may be disastrous. What was that sound? My heart sped up and I started to tremble. Praying that the door would not make a noise I pushed it open slowly. My knees gave way and I sank to the ground. Before I could stop it a scream hurtled from my body. "He" looked at me and smiled. A sharks smile. Full of malice and power.

I clamped my hands over my eyes willing myself not to see..."No..No...No.." I was still yelling as I sat up straight in bed. From nowhere, Mike came running in and enclosed me in a strong hug. "Shhh shhh..It's ok baby it's ok". He whispered soothingly. " I couldn't sleep so I was making some coffee and I heard you yelling". He said by way of explanation.

I suddenly became very angry. Not at Mike but at the way my life wasn't mine. I stood and began to pace the bedroom floor. "Fucking hell!" I ranted. Mike just sat on the bed passively and let me blow off steam. "This is really starting to piss me off! I can't do this anymore. Goddam son of a bitch! How do I get my life back?" I wasn't expecting an answer and Mike didn't offer any. He hasn't seen me this angry..ever. He's always telling me that I need to get mad. I knew it was there but my fear has always been that if I let loose I may loose control.

I stood in the middle of the room at a loss. I was just so tired of things being so hard. God..I was pathetic! Mike knew my anger had subsided and came to join me. Looking me straight in the eye he asked "What do you want?" I knew. I've always known..for it to be over. But when something, even something awful, has been a part of you for as long as you can remember, what do you do when it's not there anymore?

What if I don't know how to be "normal"? What if my brain let's me remember and I fall into that black hole that's waiting to devour me and I don't come back?

So many "what ifs" but I had finally found the person that I was willing to go against every instinct for.I sighed deeply and looked back at Mike. "Ok..Let's make today a new day. You, me, it's all worth going through hell for so let's do it". I sounded so sure, so brave but inside I was terrified. Once again my cowardice took over and I gave Mike an out.

"Look Mike. When this starts if it all gets too intense and you can't handle it..it's ok...I will totally understand if you need to go". My voice broke a little at the end as I waited for the hammer to drop.

Mike's hands closed around my face and he forced me to look at him. "I am not, now or ever going anywhere..Do you get that? No matter what ok...".

I let my breath out in a rush. So let the games begin I thought to myself. It's time to get my life back.

This is the end for now.  I hope me writing on Mike's behalf wasn't too weird for you all. This all happened a while ago but most of it I can remember like it was yesterday. So even though things get a little intense there is a light at the end of every tunnel..it may be a long way off but it's there...

Blessings

Taylor.