Monday
Jacob shifted uncomfortably in the sofa chair, bristling under the gaze of the two older men staring back at him from across the room. He tried to sit up straight. He wanted to show that he took the work seriously and that he was grateful to be here.
Suddenly a fearful question crossed his mind: was good posture effeminate? Maybe he should slouch.
"What do you hope to achieve on this retreat, if you don't mind me asking?" asked Ezekiel.
Ezekiel was the older of the two men, a 53-year-old man with grey hair and an even greyer goatee. He stared at Jacob humorlessly.
"Well," Jacob said, his heart pounding in his chest, "I guess I want to be free. Free from these thoughts."
The man standing next to Ezekiel laughed. Brad was an incredibly buff and imposing man, 40 years old with dark black skin and an aggressive smile.
"It is a kind of slavery, isn't it?" Brad asked. "We're all chained to our desires." He tapped his forehead. "But God frees us from the obsession of the mind. He shows us our one true path. The natural way of life."
Jacob nodded. "That's what I want. That's why I joined Brothers Who Surrender in the first place."
Jacob had joined the organization a year ago at the behest of his pastor. At 33 years old, Jacob was ashamed to find himself still wrestling with the same-sex attraction that had plagued him since he was a boy. He had told himself that it was just a phase, that his natural attraction to women would win out and he would become the husband and father he'd hoped to be.
Sadly, the older Jacob got, the more intense these feelings became. But no matter how intense his attraction to men was, he never acted on it. Not once. Instead, he threw himself into service at his church.
It was there that he'd met his wife Ruth three years ago. Now, with a 1-year-old son to raise and a sexually and emotionally unsatisfied wife at home, Jacob was willing to do whatever it took to rid himself of his attraction to men for good.
"This retreat is the real deal," said Ezekiel. "Anyone can join Brothers Who Surrender, go to a few meetings, attend a workshop or two. But the Voyage Into Manhood retreat is a once-a-year transformative experience. A chrysalis, if you will, that turns you from the boy you were when you walked through these doors into the man you'll be when you leave here on Saturday. It's up to you to decide whether or not you're willing to do the work to rid yourself of your attraction to men. You get out what you put into it. And let me be clear--we do NOT give refunds."
Jacob nodded. He didn't need a reminder. He'd had to save for months to pay the $600 to go on this retreat. Hiding the money from his wife had been the hardest part. He had never told her about his feelings for men. He just didn't know how. She thought that he was on a work trip in Las Vegas, not on a desert retreat in Joshua Tree just two hours away from their home in Pasadena.
Jacob was honestly hoping that this would be the last time he'd have to lie to her. He could see it now--he'd walk through the door a changed man, pick her up, carry her to the bedroom, and make passionate love to her the way he'd never done in their two years of marriage.
"I'm serious," Jacob said. "I want to change. I'm willing to do whatever it takes to be the man that God wants me to be."
Brad smiled. "That's what I like to hear. I think we've got a real fighter here, don't you, Ezekiel?"
Ezekiel stared at Jacob, his face a mask revealing nothing of his emotions beneath.
"Send in the next man and join your fellow brothers for lunch," said Ezekiel.
Jacob got up and walked out of Ezekiel's office. He could feel Ezekiel's eyes on him as he left. There was something about the way that Ezekiel looked at him that made his skin crawl. It was like he was a little schoolboy in trouble, but more than that--there was something unsettling about it. Still he knew that, as the leader of the retreat, Ezekiel was the key to Jacob's recovery.
He walked past a young man sitting outside Ezekiel's office, reading a book. Jacob was about to tell him to go in for his meeting with Ezekiel (they'd each been scheduled for their own private one-on-one) when his voice caught in his throat.
The man sitting in the chair was a few years younger than Jacob, maybe in his late 20s. He was Latino, with tan skin, clear glasses, and a thick, black mustache. He was the most beautiful man Jacob had ever seen. He looked up and smiled at Jacob.
"He ready for me?" the man asked.
Jacob nodded. The man stood up and reached out his hand.
"I'm Alex."
"Jacob."
Jacob took his hand, shaking it firmly as he tried to make himself look Alex in the eye. Alex watched him for a moment with an amused look in his eye.
"Nice to meet you Jacob," he said, letting go of Jacob's hand. Jacob turned and watched as Alex walked into Ezekiel's office and shut the door behind him.
"God help me," he thought before he turned and walked down the hall towards the kitchen.
Voyage Into Manhood had been taking place in Joshua Tree each August for the last 20 years. Ezekiel had been the leader since it first started. He didn't have a wife or kids, which Jacob assumed was why he'd committed himself so steadfastly to the program. Ezekiel was the tough, no-nonsense leader who used a heavy hand to guide the men towards their natural heterosexual attraction.
Brad had come on about a decade later, taking his place as Ezekiel's right-hand man and spiritual adviser. Brad brought a much-needed sense of humor and lightness to the retreat with his frequent wisecracks. He was always laughing or teasing the other guys, and if you got too close to him you might be subject to one of his frequent shoulder punches or childish noogies.
As a father of five who'd been married for 15 years, Brad was the kind of guy that Jacob desperately wanted to be. He just seemed so confident and carefree in his masculinity.
Each year they rented the same house in the desert, a 5-bedroom 3-bath secluded home on a 5-acre property. Because of the limited space, these retreats were relatively exclusive and only allowed 6 men at a time (in addition to Ezekiel and Brad).
Jacob walked into the kitchen and grabbed a deli sandwich off the counter. There were two tables in the kitchen, one with two guys in their late 40s and one with two men who were right around Jacob's age. He joined the two younger men at the table.
Since he had only just arrived that morning, he hadn't had much of a chance to get to know the other guys at the retreat. He knew these guys were named Chris and Wesley, and they seemed to be in their early 30s. Chris had a mane of curly red hair and pale freckled skin, while Wesley was an incredibly short and slim Asian man whose hands wove through the air effeminately as he talked.
"Is this your first time at Voyage Into Manhood?" asked Chris as he devoured his sandwich.
"Yeah. I'm not really sure what to expect," Jacob said. He found his gaze traveling along the pale freckled skin on Chris' arm, up to his taut bicep. He found himself wondering where else Chris had freckles...
Jacob shook himself out of his reverie and concentrated on the sandwich in front of him. What was going on with him? He was here to find fellowship and healing with other recovered men. But he'd been there all of two hours and already he found himself overcome with lecherous thoughts.
It was going to be a long week.
"Forgive me, God," he thought silently.
"They change it every year," said Wesley. "I was here the last two years and they were both super different. They always do the walkabout, though."
"Walkabout?" Jacob asked. "What's that?"
"Oh, it's wild," Chris said in between chewing. "They send you out in the desert with nothing but your wits about you. It's like "Naked and Afraid". Only, you know, clothed."
Jacob ate his sandwich and listened silently as Chris and Wesley continued chatting. Apparently Jacob was the only one of the three of them who had never been there before. Chris seemed to be somewhat of a success story, as he had just gotten engaged to his girlfriend and claimed to be almost entirely free of same-sex urges.
"I just come here to make sure I'm on top of my game," he said casually. "You know, to make sure I'm the best husband I can be to Rachel."
"You're so lucky," Chris said, pouting. His hands twisted through the air as he said, "I only WISH I could find a good woman to marry. I just really wanna be a dad, you know? I feel like I have a lot to give."
The door to Ezekiel's office opened as Alex walked out, followed shortly after by Brad and Ezekiel.
"Gather round, everybody!" Brad bellowed as they headed into the parlor, a small room near the kitchen where they held activities. The men in the kitchen stood and joined them as they all gathered together.
Jacob ended up standing next to Alex. He tried to focus on Ezekiel and not on the soft black hair on Alex's arms.
"You're all here because you're broken," Ezekiel said as he addressed the men from the head of the room. "Your feelings of same-sex attraction come not from above, but from below. They're a symptom of spiritual brokenness, the red light on the dashboard telling you that something's wrong with the engine. That's why we're here to set things straight. A spiritual tune-up, if you will."
The men nodded along. Jacob had heard similar things from his pastor, as well as at the meetings of Brothers Who Surrender. He'd hoped this retreat would go a little deeper. Still, they were only just beginning. Perhaps this walkabout would help him unlock some of the heterosexual attraction hidden within him.
"Many of you lack the loving, bonded relationship with your father that you should have had growing up. After all, how many of you remember begging your dad for attention, only to be ignored and told to man up?"
A few of the men raised their hands. Jacob had actually had a pretty good relationship with his father, but he raised his hand just the same.
Ezekiel nodded. "Just what I thought. We're going to give you the father-son contact you never had. That's why we're going to start with the healing touch exercise."
He paired the men up. To Jacob's dismay, he got paired with Alex. Jacob tried to focus on being "fatherly" as he sat behind him in the motorcycle position, his arms wrapped around Alex's chest.
"The point is to get comfortable with another man," Ezekiel said as he walked around the room. "There's nothing sexual about it--it's camaraderie. The natural love between a father and son. Now, talk to each other."
"I love you, son," Jacob said as he felt Alex's tight stomach underneath his arms.
His heart was beating a mile a minute. How was this exercise supposed to be helping? Maybe he was perverting it. Damn his sick mind!
"I love you too, dad," Alex said as he put his hands on Jacob's. Jacob held his breath.
"Tell your father how you really feel," Ezekiel said.
