Tied up in Notts

When we started the trip, there was this underlying current between Penn and I. By the end of the trip, it was an open live wire.

The last few days on the road were pointless from a traveling perspective but enriching on a personal one. I thought Penn might be a little shy and reserved but the moment things became open, Penn was on me like white on rice. He was determined to hold my hand so often it might somehow make up for all the years he spent not holding my hand. He couldn't even go two seconds without touching me in some way.

I loved it. I absolutely relished the intimate contact.

He even invented a new game on the slow trip home. It happened by accident when his innocent questioning became a hostage situation.

Want me to get you coffee? Tell me how Goddamn sexy you think I am

.

Want me to let go of your hand so you can pick your wedgie? Tell me about the time you noticed me, even if it didn't mean anything at the time.

Truth be told, I didn't hate the game. It was kind of fun. Especially watching him blush as he confessed his crazy stalker ways.

We were on the last stretch before Bangkok. Seven hours or so if our stops were quick. Sight-seeing had been replaced by hand-holding and Penn breathing into my neck as I drove.

It was the best vacation ever.

"Who were your firsts?" I asked as it was my turn to interrogate. He knew I'd only ever been with Lee until now but we hadn't talked about him. As someone who traveled a lot for work, I figured he had a long list of conquests. Nameless blowjobs at random oil stations in the middle of the sea or wherever it was he went.

"Firsts?"

"Yeah, kiss, hand job, blowjob, sex."

"No."

"No?" I glanced at his curt response. Penn had been leaning against me for hours but suddenly he scooted away. Not far, but far enough for me to notice.

"I don't want to tell you."

"What? Why?"

"I don't want you to think less of me because of the choices I made. I wasn't in a good headspace at the time."

I squeezed his thigh and pulled him back to me. He sighed and laid his head against my shoulder. He inhaled and I thought he was going to tell me but then he exhaled in defeat. Finally, he pulled himself together.

"Cam."

"Cam?" I asked, my eye bulged discreetly in my head. He groaned and nodded against my shoulder. "You and her...?". Sex with a girl didn't seem appealing to me but, then again, I wasn't married to one.

"Three times."

"

Three times?!"

I squawked.

"How?

I mean...

how?!"

"I didn't exactly have a lot of choices. I was never interested in random hook-ups."

"But having sex with a girl?"

Penn elbowed me. "It wasn't just a girl, it was Cam."

"Wow," I rubbed my face. "I was prepared for a lot of things; like a list a mile long of nameless bathroom Johns but not this."

"You're disappointed." Penn frowned and leaned away like he didn't deserve to be next to me. My grip on his thigh tightened as I slowed the car down and pulled off the road. It wasn't a busy stretch of highway but I wanted to give him my full attention. When we were safely parked, I turned and cupped his face in my hands. His brown eyes we worried and his brow was furrowed, waiting for the bad news.

"Disappointed? How could I be disappointed? Of all the terrible decisions you could've made over the last twenty years, I'd say sleeping with Cam three times isn't one of them. I haven't given dating much thought since Lee cheated but if I did, I'd be worried I'd never find a guy who has the same values as me. I'd have to prepare myself for settling for a second or third-tier guy. Convince myself that virtue, morals, and integrity aren't nearly as important, or achievable, now that I'm in my thirties. Disappointed?" I scoffed. "How can I be disappointed that I found someone who I don't have to lower my expectations for?"

Penn let out a deep breath of relief and kissed my lips.

"So," I pulled away because I wanted to finish the conversation. "Who was your first blowjob? I mean, it obviously wasn't Cam. She might've been your first kiss and the first person you had sex with but she doesn't have a dick." Penn just stared at me. It took me a second to figure it out, and when I did, I was shocked. I pointed at my chest.

Me?

Penn nodded. "You've never given anyone a blow job?" He slowly shook his head and looked at me like

of course I haven't, you idiot

. "But you're so good. Like, really

really

good," I praised.

And he was. It was part of the reason I assumed he'd been with a lot of guys. I always thought Lee had given good blowjobs but Penn had technique I never knew existed. Technique that came with time and practice. Practice, it turned out, he didn't have.

Penn puffed out his chest, something he did every time I gave him a compliment. "How good?" He leaned his weight against my side and breathed down my neck, making me crazy.

"Amazing. Straight to the front of the line," I breathed. I kept my eyes on the road even though I wasn't driving.

"I guess twenty years of want is good for something." His voice sounded pretty happy, maybe even a little smug, as his fingers fiddled with my pants.

"What are you doing?" I asked as he unsnapped my buttons and wiggled his fingers beneath the fabric.

He answered by sucking me deep and lapping me with his tongue. I looked around the deserted road; not a soul in sight. Lucky me. For his fourth blowjob, he was amazing. Not too fast, not too slow, great suction, and a lot of tongue.

I trailed my hand from his shoulders, up his neck, and through his dark brown hair; messing him up as much as he messed me up. A car sped by paying about as much mind to us as we did to them.

It didn't take long before he made me cum in his mouth then left me air drying and panting like a gym patron after a two-decade hiatus. Maybe I shouldn't have skipped the last three days of running.

Penn carefully put me away while I collected myself. Then he cozied next to me, looking like a real smug bastard if I'd ever seen one. It was his turn to run his fingers through my hair as he kissed my cheek and neck.

"Am I still at the front of the line?"

"What line?" I replied, making him laugh. I knew he needed to be better than Lee and I didn't even have to lie to oblige. Penn was hands down the winner.

We kissed until he finally pulled away and forced me to keep driving.

"If you don't get going, we'll never make it back," he said, still smug and cocky from driving me crazy, first with his lips on my dick, then with his lips on

[ND1]

mine.

I shoved him for making it seem like I was the one slowing us down. He kissed me in lieu of forgiveness, then took his rightful place next to me—his body pressed to mine.

Years I'd spent looking at Lee's smaller, blonde-haired legs next to my blonde, yet, more muscular ones. Now it was my blonde and muscular legs against Penn's dark and even more muscular legs. I constantly looked down, seeing the way his leg looked next to mine. The way his fingers, thick and long and perfectly rough, slid across my arm, or how he somehow molded his larger frame against mine in a desperate and delicate manner.

If I didn't know Penn, I'd think he was kind of stuffy. That had always been my impression anyway. I don't think I ever thought he'd be so soft, so touchy, or so affectionate. But it was. He was all those things and more. Every time I was with him, nothing existed except me. That's how he made me feel when he touched me, spoke to me, and looked at me. It wouldn't take much to get used to that kind of love.

"I was thinking," Penn said after a bit of comfortable silence. "When you get back, you'll have a job waiting for you." I raised my brow and he smiled. "With me," he finished.

"Doing what?"

I'd only ever worked for Yevo. I wasn't qualified to do anything else and I wasn't sure dealing with plastic toilets would fulfill my life dreams.

"If you don't want to, that's fine. Right now, I do all the office work, bidding, billing, dispatching, and some of the labor for both the septic and storage units. It would be nice to have someone to help with those things since business had increased more than expected."

"So, I wouldn't be pumping potties?" I asked

"No," Penn laughed against my shoulder. "Not unless you want to."

"I don't."

"I figured," he laughed again at my quick answer. "So, what do you think?"

I thought about it. "I wouldn't hate working with you but I want to see what Wayne lines up with Yevo."

"Of course," the emotion gone from his voice. "He was talking about jobs in the Portland area."

"Yeah, wherever there's an opening that is a good fit. I'd even go to Washington if it felt right. But it would have to be like, the perfect scenario."

"Washington?"

"Well, yeah, if it's right. It will probably be the Portland area, maybe Bend. I think a change would be good. I don't want to give up Yevo because of Lee but Lincoln is out of the question. I've never lived anywhere else and I'm nervous about going back. It's been six months since I left and I don't know that I want to stick around and see what life in Lincoln looks like after Lee. I'm sure news has gotten around and it will be years of questions and inquiries. Nothing will be the same. No one will look at me the same or treat me the same."

"I know, it's just that, Portland is two hours away...Washington is even further. I know that Lee is trying to change things so you don't get what's yours. I just thought, if you worked for me then you wouldn't have to worry about him being an asshole—and you wouldn't have to move so far away. I can pay you more—I can pay you whatever you want. Whatever the number, I can pay you."

"It's not about the money. And if you think I'm going to just let Lee walk away with more than he deserves than you're crazy."

"It's not about the money," he said, dejectedly. It was a play on my own words, both a repeat and a standalone statement in one. And it wasn't about money, for either of us, I realized.

"Penn, I can't change everything because there's something starting between us. I have to put myself first."

He didn't look mad but he wasn't touching me at every possible point like normal and he wasn't holding my hand or breathing down my neck. He was right next to me but he felt a million miles away.

"I know. I get it. I'm trying to be unreasonable. You're like holding sand: the second I get a hand full it's already slipping away. I'm just being selfish. I'll get over it."

He looked so defeated and sad and it broke my damn heart. I wasn't going to pass up a dream job or change my plans because of him but I didn't need to put that between us yet. There was still so much to figure out.

"Can we cross that bridge when we get there? I still have a month left in Bangkok, I'm still dealing with Lee, and I have to be six months divorced before I can go back on staff anyway. I definitely want to see where things will go between us but I have to handle everything else, too. Like Lee. I have to finish things with Lee before I can fully move on. I don't want to get ahead of myself or bite off more than I can chew. You know?"

"Yeah, of course, I get it. You're right" He let out a big breath. I could tell he was frustrated but understood where I was coming from. "I have to remember that we're in different places. You haven't been obsessed with me for twenty years like I have you. I have to be patient."

"You haven't been

obsessed

," I teased.

"Yeah, okay," he huffed and looked away.

"C'mere," I pulled his leg toward me. "Warm me up, I'm cold."

It was a burry one hundred degrees outside, if I had to guess.

"I think I've learned a lot over the years. My experiences have given me perspective. I never turned away from hardships and never gloated during windfalls. All things have given me knowledge and wisdom. I'm not the same person I was at seven, seventeen, or twenty-seven. Having gained so much over the years—it's easy for me to look back and cringe at some of the choices I made. They were so bad. How had I not seen the red flags or realized I was making the wrong choices? It was so obvious after all, right? No, it wasn't. Just because it's a bad choice now doesn't mean it was a bad choice then. I'm proud of all those choices. They helped me grow and mature. I don't regret marrying Lee. It was the right decision at the time. Not marrying him wouldn't have guaranteed a better ending for me, or for you. But I

can

tell you this; Lee cheating on me was the worst thing that had ever happened to me. Nine months later? It's a blessing if I ever had one. I wouldn't be here in this jalopy rust bucket, holding hands with Penn Knott while driving around Asia with no AC and no music. I can't regret anything that brought me here today and I won't overthink where I'll be tomorrow. I trust the process. It's never failed me. It didn't fail me when Ryan kidnapped me or when you and I started becoming friends. It didn't fail me when you were there for me when I thought my life couldn't get worse. Or when I up and left Lincoln and came here only to have Lee freeze my accounts. Or when you flew all the way here, or when you dragged me to the club. I don't think you and I are a blip on the radar of life, so I'm not going to worry about what the future holds because I trust it will work."

Penn stared at me then finally smiled, kissed my cheek, then stretched out until he was comfortable enough to sleep while I drove home. We had less than forty-eight hours before his flight and I didn't want to waste a single one.

----

He was just as affectionately needy as he'd always been but there wasn't the desperate urgency he'd been carrying around. He seemed settled.

The final hours would never be published in tour guides but they were the highlight of the trip. Early nights, late mornings, long conversations, passionate kisses, and mutual orgasms. We savored every moment even though his departure loomed heavy between us.

The drive to the airport was pretty shitty but we expected that.

"You're coming home, right?" Penn asked as he stood with his bag, ready to part ways. He looked nervous. "Last time you said goodbye, you didn't come home."

"I'm coming home. If I could go with you now, I would."

"Then come with me now," he said, though he knew I couldn't. I picked up his bag and handed it to him with a smile. "I'm serious."

"I know. You also know I can't. I have to finish out my classes."

I grabbed the bag I was holding and set it back down, then wrapped his arms around me. "I'm afraid you're slipping through my fingers again."

"I'm not."

"Promise?"

"Pinky Promise," I said, holding out my little finger. He wrapped his around me then kissed me. Before the kiss became too much, I pushed him away. "Go, or you're gonna miss your flight."

Penn grabbed his bag and sulked off. He turned around a few times before he was gone for good. I stayed at the airport for a little while, just in case and laughed when I got a text from him less than twenty minutes later. He had figured out the free airport wi-fi. Then he paid to have inflight wi-fi. Then he was back in Oregon where he had unlimited text and data.

****

My phone rang with an incoming video call. Right on time. It was early as shit in Oregon. My favorite since it meant Penn had his deep, sexy morning voice and mused hair and sleepy eyes.

And shirtless.

And mine.

"Are you going to tell me?" I asked. He'd told me he had something to share but wanted to tell me 'in person' which really meant on a video call. It also meant I had to overthink what he might say. I wanted him to tell me he was coming back but I knew that wasn't going to happen.

"Good morning and I miss you too," he said. His voice was gravelly and his eyes sparkled with sleep and amusement.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah. Four more weeks. I miss you, too. Now spill."

Penn laughed, then yawned, then laughed because he yawned while laughing.

"I decided to do another welding contract. It's a pretty big one. I should be done right around the same time you get back."

"Oh, that's fun," I smiled. "And should keep you distracted while I'm gone."

"Pretty much the only reason I'm going," he laughed. "I hate being here when you're gone."

"Four more weeks," I reminded him. "When do you leave and where are you going?"

"Alaska and I leave in two days. I'll be working on a fleet of boats. It should be fun."

"Will you have service?" Because heaven forbid I couldn't see his face every day or two.

"I'm pretty sure there's Wi-Fi everywhere these days," he laughed, secretly pleased by how anxious I was about missing him. Regardless, I was excited for him to take the job. He hadn't done one for a while and I knew he probably wouldn't take another job once I got back. This was kind of his final hurrah. I never would've asked him to stop welding but he had already made his decision.

Penn was 'investing in relationships' closer to home which meant he wouldn't be traveling as much.

"Alaska isn't everywhere. Alaska is practically nowhere. It's not a real place."

"I'll miss you, too," he said, grinning ear to ear.

****

I learned the hard way that there wasn't Wi-Fi or much along the line of service where he was at. Five days of waiting and all I got was a chopping phone call. The conversation was frustrating and consisted mostly of '

what? I can't hear you, you're cutting out

' on repeat until the call was disconnected.

A few days later he called from a landline.

"Turns out there isn't Wi-Fi

everywhere

."

I smiled into the phone and wished I could see his face. "It's only a few weeks," I tried to convince both of us. "How is it?"

"It's pretty cool. I haven't been to Alaska before. There's a lot of work to be done and it's freezing cold. I'm rotating with two other welders. Even with heavy gear, the water gets cold fast. It's different this time."

"Why's that?"

"It's the first time I can't wait to get home."

"Who's waiting for you at home?"

Penn growled into the phone, unamused by my fishing expedition. I laughed. "What? I'm not there for you to come home to."

"You will be and that's good enough for me. We'll actually be getting back the same day-ish. Which reminds me, I won't be able to pick you up from the airport. I fly into Eugene instead of PDX."

"No biggie, Dad wants to pick me up anyway. Tell me more about Alaska."

I laid on my bed as Penn told me a little more about his work and what it detailed. I found it fascinating. When he was done, we sat on the phone in silence. I was just happy to have him so close.

"I miss you," he whispered and my chest tightened at his words.

"I miss you, too."

"The house is pretty much done. If you need a place to crash the first few nights."

We stayed mostly at Hostels saves a few cheap hotel rooms but, even then, privacy had been pretty limited. The thought of spending real quality time with him was nerve wracking but exciting.

"Can you handle it? There won't be strangers coming and going or walls so thin you can hear the conversation next door," I asked.

"Happily."

"We'll see," I teased. "You won't buy the cow if you get the milk for free."

"I'd buy the whole damn farm for the one cow. Milk is just a bonus—a really great perk."

"In that case, this cow might need a place to crash, but just for a day or two."

Penn's laugh made me feel good. I could imagine him leaning against the wall, smiling as he talked on the phone. I bet he was a bit of a mess from working long hours. A stocking cap on his head and a thick jacket zipped all the way up. His cheeks rosy and lips pink from the cold.

"Have you talked to your family?" I asked after another lull in the conversation.