The Meaning of "i Am."

James and I had been friends for years going back to high school. We had been roommates for the last two years. Both of us were academics although not at the same institutions nor in the same fields. When I broke up with Nancy, my girlfriend at the time, he had been there to pick up the pieces when Nancy found another man more to her liking. I knew James was gay, but as near as I could tell, he largely played the field. There were a fair number of men of course. He would bring them home sometimes introducing me, sometimes not. They would head to his room. I usually turned on the television or headed out to a bar to avoid having to listen to the goings on. They tended toward the loud side and to be honest, I felt like I was intruding although James never seemed bothered that I was sometimes in the living room within ear's reach.

When I came back to the apartment after one session between James and his "for the evening" lover, James came out of the room wrapped in a robe and headed to the frig and came over to me handing me a cold beer while he sipped the other.

"Your friend gone?" I asked.

"Not my friend per se," he remarked sipping his beer. "Just a dick for a winter's night."

"It isn't winter I quipped."

"Close enough," he shot back. "I have friends--like you for instance, and then there are guys with hard cocks. I have a thing for hard cocks. They scratch my itch. You don't have to depart the premises every time I bring someone back. If you are so inclined, listen in to the show. I like that you are listening. Who knows, you might enjoy it."

I came home from work one day to find him entertaining four very attractive naked guys. Did I mention they were quite hard and apparently not all that surprised at my presence? James was naked as well save for a black harness that stretched across his shoulders and chest to his crotch. A triangle of leather framed his cock and balls. This time he introduced no one, but in truth, I had seen two of them around town. He knelt before them. He had oiled his body and glistened in the late afternoon light. I could not help but notice his erect cock. It was as hard as the men standing before him.

Feeling awkward, I babbled some excuse and started to leave, but before I could, James stopped sucking and, with cock in hand said, "stay and watch. No use in missing the show."

James went back to loving the cock in his hand. I looked away but not for long. I found myself staring at the sight before me. James sucked slowly at first, taking time to run his tongue up the ridge on the underside. The man's eyes were closed but I watched as his hands began to tighten on James' head. James sped his rhythm. The man's breathing quickened. My eyes were fixed on the scene. I could feel the energy, the raw lust one man for the other. Soon, the man began to moan. He screamed as he pumped his cum into James' mouth. There was so much that some of it leaked. James slowed his pace but kept sucking, draining every drop of cum in what looked like slow blissful agony. Backing away from the satiated cock, with his finger, James scoped up the leakage and licked it, looked up at me, and smiled. Then he went to work doing the same to the other three men. All but the last filled James' mouth. The last man shot his load in three strong ropes on James' face. One string hung down from his chin. He must have known--I was hard.

"I can tell you want this," James whispered. "It is your turn. Unzip your pants. Let me see your cock. I know you are hard. So.... may I suck you? Taste you?" he implored.

James touched the all too apparent bulge in my pants. In no time his hand had my hard cock. He again dropped to his knees and then with his finger, pulled the string of cum still hanging from his chin and wrapped it around my cock. His finger went back to his face and pulled more cum lathering it on me as well. "A little appetizer before the main course," he said with a mischievous smile. Soon he was sucking my shaft. The other men, now seated on the couch, watched intently. Two of them had begun to stroke their cocks back to life. I had become part of the show. I wrestled with the reality that I wanted to cum. I wanted to, no, needed to fill James' mouth or shoot cum on his face. Was I gay all this time and living a lie? Did all this mean I had crossed a line from which going back was not possible? Did I want to go back or forward for that matter? I was enjoying this; I wanted what he was offering.

I could feel my excitement grow. Apparently so could James. He knew I was about to shoot so he slowed up his rhythm. I was too close to stop and I found myself grabbing his head and pulling him down my shaft then back again. His control was gone. I wanted to be released and he to release me. James accepted my passion not simply yielding to me but willfully so. As I filled his mouth, James slowly added a touch of his teeth to the mix. The sensation took me over the top. I exploded! My first spurt went into his mouth, my second and third strings he insured found his face, the last shots were in his mouth as he gently sucked the last drops from my cock. I could feel my knees shake and held his head more gently now.

I could feel him rise from his knees and put his arms around me. My eyes were still closed as his lips met mine and his tongue pleaded to let him enter me. Before I knew it, he had tilted my head gently back and let my cum find its way into my own mouth. I tried to pull away, but he would not allow me. Soon we were engaged in a deep kiss with my cum as our common bond. We swapped it with passion. He slowly backed his tongue out and our lips parted.

He was smiling now. Putting a finger to my lips to silence me and perhaps to let me savor the taste, he asked me what I thought of what had just happened. "Did you enjoy watching us?"

Reluctantly I admitted that I had.

"You seem to have enjoyed the blowjob. Just a hunch but you wanted to empty yourself into me?"

"Yes, I did," I said a bit more confidently.

"And that kiss we just did was not your run of the mill kiss. Do you like the taste of your own cum?"

I noticed his hard cock brushing against my leg. It seemed to be tapping my leg as if to remind me that the one cock neither stroked nor sucked was James'. "Yes" I said in part as answer to James' question but more as question to the cock I was now slowly stroking.

James began to strip off my shoes, socks, slacks, and underwear. He had me keep on the oxford shirt I had worn to work although sans undershirt. "My fantasy this time," he whispered. James kissed me again and asked whether, I was sure. I still held his beautiful cock in my hand.

"Yes," I whispered. "Yes, I want you." Part of me was surprised by my response. It was so beautifully hard, and it was hard for me. I stared at it awhile longer, traced my fingers around its head...and knew what came next.

It probably wasn't the best blowjob James ever received. I had taught women how do me so time to remember my lessons. I kissed his cock. Slowly, gently, I kissed. I kissed down the underside of the shaft to his shaved balls. They had pulled in a bit but not enough to keep them from a gentle teabag. I cupped each between my teeth and massaged with my tongue. James caressed my head in his hands.

"Still, OK?" he asked.

Taking his ball from my mouth, I nodded kissing again his cock. The skin was so soft and smooth. Then slowly, his eyes fixed upon me, my lips found his cock's head. He watched as my lips slowly covered it. Two of the other men in the room stepped to either side of James and I, their once again now hard cocks to either side of the visual James and I were providing. Both were glistening with pre-cum. Stopping what I was doing with James, I took the time to lick the pre-cum from the tip of each. Both tasted sweet, one more so than the other. I sucked each of the two men for a minute or two each then went back to James. Each seemed pleased with my efforts. I tried to stroke the two cocks, but it proved a distraction from James, so I went back to using my hands to stroke him while I sucked. The two men went back to stroking their own cocks as close to my face as they could get. I knew what was soon to follow.

First the one on my left began to shudder, his cock erupted in thick white cum onto my face. He screamed "yes" as he covered me, rubbing his cock on my face. Inspired by the scene, the other man shot his load as well. The first spurt landed on my cheek, the second on my lips which were busy sucking James' cock. I could taste him as James' cock moved in and out of my mouth. I knew he was getting close as his breathing had grown deeper, and his hands held my head firmly. I wanted him. I wanted to feel him explode in my mouth. I craved him. This had grown to be more about my desire than his.

The head of his cock began to swell, and I took him deeper than I thought possible. Before I knew it, he screamed "Geez" and shot his first load into the back of my throat. He shot spurt after spurt into my mouth, and I began swallowing his cum, sucking his dick until no more drops could be had.

I looked over at the other two men. One was riding the other's cock slowly, his eyes closed savoring the sensation of the cock penetrating his ass. Both seemed locked in their own worlds. As for the two men who had blown their loads on my face, they had sat down to put their clothes back on although their eyes were still on the other men.

James kissed me again, this time tenderly. We hugged and kissed again. I could feel his spent cock against mine although mine had found some life again. "Perhaps I can take care of that again this evening?" he said with a smile.

"I would like that," I whispered as if after all that had happened, I needed to hide my consent.

"So, did you enjoy what I suspect was your first gay experience?"

I did not have to think long about the question. "Yes," I confessed. "But there is a but."

"Go on," he said quizzically.

"I am trying to decide what my enjoyment of the moment means," I said.

"What do you want it to mean? Before I answer that go into the bathroom and look at yourself in the mirror."

I did as I was told. My face was drenched in the cum of three men and I had no shame. I even smiled at the guy in the mirror.

"You are asking the how gay am I question?" James said softly.

Before I could answer, the man on the couch riding his friend's cock, whispered, "Yes! Give it to me." His partner came. Both men rode each other hard. When finally spent, they separated and as they did, cum leaked down the still stiff cock. Two men slowly kissed in a puddle of cum.

James noticed the look on my face as I watched intently and smiled. "You are not gay until you say you are. None of us can make that decision for you. But, you are at least, by this evening's events, open to making love to a man and that means you know yourself better than you did several hours back. The answer to the "I am" question belongs to you alone. I will caution you that time may well change your answer. Sometimes the people we love do not come wrapped in the packages we were told to expect. Small steps," he said. "Small steps."

I remembered James' cum flooding my mouth, his gorgeous cock in heat, and I smiled. Small steps.

I have heard it said that some people are in our lives for a lifetime, others for but a season. James and I shared each other several times after that evening but our days were numbered. James received a position offer at a prestigious west coast school and accepted. He soon found his forever companion and we drifted apart save for an occasional email. We turned out to be "for a season friends" but the memory remains. Many times, I have come back to the face I saw in the mirror that afternoon, my face, shamelessly covered with the cum of three men but most importantly that of James. Small steps toward I am.